Saturday, March 29, 2014

Intimidating is not an insult, or is it?

I have always known that I am independent, at times intimidating and very stubborn. It comes from the years of drilling myself to strive for the better, to do nothing but the best and do not settle for anything less.

Someone shouldn't tell me that for my own sake and for the sake of my future husband and marriage, i should change. I should be softer and more amiable to be controlled.

Well, Fuck you. I'm a modern independent woman brought up by a strong independent woman. There's no way i would insult myself, my mother and my upbringing that way.

Of Week 4 and Semester 1

Everyday is a battle. Its only been about a week since I got back but I have no choice but to hit the ground running. Its hard. I still feel sleep deprived from the wedding, the travels and obviously I still have residual anxieties from leaving home.

This is my 6th year here (OMG IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG... WHUT?) And every year leaving never gets easier. Simply coz I know while this is my life and I should really be living for myself, I know that I will be missing life simple surprises and news and events and you know that after awhile, distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

There was a conversation about aging the other day with a couple of people... Honestly, I've never really thought much about aging. I've never thought Oh shit i'm gonna get old, wrinkly and die soon. I'm impatient to end my studying life coz yes, i'm getting older and still unemployed. Mainly also coz there's so many things that I wanna do which could only be done once i'm earning.

I wanna live a life that's fulfilling. That's empowering. That's powerful and influential. I wanna be that lady i've read in storybooks. I want to be the one that makes enough to make a difference not just in my life but in the life of others.

Everyday is a personal battle between wanting to giving it up and thinking if this is all worth it and trying to keep the burning flame in my heart alive. Maybe its been too long that i've been studying. Studying is not gratifying. You have to halt your life to fulfill a certification. You experience live differently and of course, you see everything else from a far; waiting and hoping for the day that it'll be your turn.

Someone asked me if i wanna continue my Masters after this... I'd say nope. Not at the moment. I have to many things I wanna do in live... My Masters will have to wait, for now.