Of reflections and perspectives

 

Have you ever looked at yourself with such tainted eyes? Filled with so much criticism for yourself?

No matter how pretty your outfit was. 

No matter how well-behaved your hair is.

No matter how everyone commented on how pretty you are today.

You still manage to find something wrong with yourself?

Yup.

That's me today.

Stumble and fall.

 

Have you ever felt like you're stumbling around? No matter how much you've tried, there's mistakes. The more you think about it, the more the mistakes happen and the more you feel like shit. Mistakes that do not exist initially as a result of your instincts. But you make them coz you start overthinking, start doubting and questioning every single thing.

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath.

Start counting.... 1.... 2... 3...

Take a step back.

Realign your centre.

Calm your mind.

Come back to it.

And another moment passes.

When it heightens your anxiety again,

Remember.... DEEP BREATHS.

And, try again.

At the end the day, it's not about the mistakes... It's about the number of times you get back up. Over and over and over again.

Have faith in yourself. Other people seemed to believe in you more than you do.

Of Clarity and Life

I have this urge to type things out here but at the same time... I don't even know where to start. LOL

It is one of those moments where you don't know to feel upset, betrayed, disappointed or laugh at the clarity of the situation and the ridiculousness of the situation. Perhaps, all of the above?

And in this moment, all that appears in my head was just one word. Coward.

I don't think I've ever used this word to describe anyone and even more so, it was never a word that came to mind when I think of someone within a situation. 

Coward.

cow.ard  |  \ 'kau'(-e)rd \

Definition: One who shows disgraceful fear or timidity

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I feel guilt each time it is used to describe someone I know. But right now, that word is so apt that I can't seem to get it out of mind. It stays in bold. Blinking in caps as though a warning of war raiding through the air. 

Cowardice.

cow.ard.ice    |   \ ' kau . (-e) r - des  ,  dialectal - ( , ) dis \

Definition: Lack of courage or firmness of purpose 

Through heartbreaks, I've always believed that it takes two to clap. And I do not deny that I still stand by that. In a clueless situation, where others have constantly told you that you did not do anything wrong, you still know you've contributed to it partially. But, under these circumstances, there's a whole lot of unknown variable that you're unaware of and assumptions are unhelpful.

It has been said that the true colours and character of a man reveals itself in the most trying of circumstances. The ultimate test. Like all tests in life, (academics, professional, or personal) there will be those who pass and those who fail. This is just the reality of life and nature taking its natural course. 

I think as a person, I've always tried to be as fair and as unbiased as possible. Even though it does not always end in my favour. But this is one of my basic principle in life.  Truthfully, it isn't always easy as the greed of man will always sneak into the corners of your man. I am human after all. I will always struggle with it but I am unafraid of standing by what is necessary and riding out the storm as one usually would.

Which also means, I am one of those rare people who would take every aspect of a situation into consideration. Of course, always to the dismay of my closest and dearest as difficult decisions may not always seem fair at first glance. Therefore, if conversations were had, none of this would have happened. 

Coz if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have bothered crossing oceans then expecting an explanation which you've avoided.. As there was once, in the middle of it all, we had a really frank conversation and I did bluntly ask about lingering feelings or regrets since I would have been OK with it if they would want to return to what was. It would still have hurt, but I would not have been lost. As there are some things that were beyond my control. Feelings are one of those things. 

I am a realist at the end of the day. I've gone through enough in this life to know what is worth it and what is not. I choose my battles wisely and I would not have wasted all those energy. time, emotions and money, if they were truthful. 

Its funny isn't it? one expects honesty when they themselves refuse to give it. I was right when I had this nagging feeling as though I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I felt that they have always had one foot out the door. 

My instincts were always strong but I told myself to try giving people a chance, to not be unfair to myself. This was the chance I've taken but, unfortunately, on someone who was undeserving.

Maybe it was your lack of self confidence speaking then or maybe it was the acceptance on your part of the clarity of what I am and what I deserve.

Coz they were definitely right about one thing:

"I don't deserve them. I deserve someone better. Someone who could give me everything and more and they were not that person." 

Those words used to piss me off so bad. I may not be the most pious of Muslims. But there were many times in my life where I have just allowed God to guide my heart. Through healing, resilience, holding on to my will... And I know that even in my despair and questions, He has shown me the truth. has told me what to do. Everything that I have done before this that led to the end, was due to the urgent whispers in my heart telling me to do it. That it was necessary for me to test.

But right now, it has never been clearer that even they were right... 

That I deserve someone better. 

34 years and 21 days.

 life.

 Was clearing out the stuff from the cupboards and found an all stash of letters, notes, lyrics, poems, whatevers. 

I honestly can't remember what this was for, but i reckon it was for a Science project? or probably Health Education or maybe a yellow ribbon project. 

This was rewritten from Mambo No. 5. I never realised I was that creative too.

Ladies & Gentlemen

We present to you

'Coming Out Of The Tunnel'

One, Two, Three, Four, Five

Everybody in the class, so listen up

To the new we gonna bring to you.

I must tell you that the drugs ain't cool.

Like Heroin, Ecstasy, Ice & Grass 

If you eat too much, your brain will rust.

So here we go.

A little bit of Heroin 

is bad for you!

A little bit of ecstasy 

will kill you too!

A little bit of Ganja

make's a fool

A little bit of Ice 

it ain't no groove.

Jump up and down

and shake it all around

To the left is death

To the right is life.

So choose the path 

and makes it all riht

So you won't regret

till the end of your life.

Chorus.

The End.

----------------------------------------------------------

NO IDEA WHAT 13 OR 14 YEAR OLD ME WERE DOING FOR THIS RENDITION OF MAMBO NO. 5 TO BE WRITTEN!

Looking Back

Looking back to 8 years ago.... WHEW!  I mean... 8 years. C’mon! Even the front digit of my age has changed since I last blogged on one of my platforms. Lol!

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! my goodness. I have even went in and out of a relationship.

was scrolling through the entries. I know I wasn’t always blogging here but I’m jealous of my younger self to be honest. There are times where I truly believe my younger self, would be disappointed in me, the me at the moment. Or rather, the me that has struggled the last 2 years.

My younger self seemed to be fearless and relentless about everything. it was just 8 years ago. 8 years is not a really long time, but 8 years ago I fought to be where I was. I fought unapologetically. I fought even when I was unsure.

8 years later, I’m picking up the pieces of myself that was strewn everywhere when I allowed myself to spiral out of control in just 2 years. It was my fault really. I allowed myself to succumb to such depths within myself, allowed helplessness to swallow my thoughts, allowed loneliness to overcome my being, struggled to let my voice be heard, allowed a culture that I have forgotten to shock me through my being and render me speechless.

2020 has been a whole situation on its own. To be honest, let’s sit back and give it a round of applause at the sheer impact it has on all our lives and how in a mere 9 months, so many things have happened and so fast at that. 

But 2020 was also the year that I told myself, enough is enough. Its time to take back my life. One bit at a time. Trust the process and the journey that life has put you on.

10.10.2020

Its October again! And don't you think whoever that's born today has one kind of an epic birthdate?!

I mean... 10.10.2020 ya'll!

October is here again. And life still continues as usual. 

The Elephant in the room that everyone gingerly steps around...

What's going on with the world today? US especially. First with the pandemic, now with race wars.

I do not understand how people do not see that racism occurs on a subconscious level. 🤯 I really do not know what is so hard to understand about that.

Stop telling people to move on or get over it coz it is just how it is. The fact that people just brush it off as it is what it is as though it's something normal is not ok.

These "they should know their place" or "of course they're/he/she is that way... They're (insert race) what do you expect?" Mindsets are not ok. It is not ok to normalise someone based on their race and overlook the person behind all of that. This, unfortunately, is not exclusive to the US. It is relevant in every society.

I have called out racism my whole life. Whether it was directed toward me or someone within my vicinity. Someone like me (a minority) would have gotten multiple degrees under their belt, acknowledged by the community as leaders, given back without expecting anything, and received awards of various magnitude and it will still not be enough for someone within the majority of their country to accept them as who they are instead and overlook their background.

It is the reality of many minorities who have worked their entire life to quash stereotypes and still have to battle to prove themselves. Sometimes it does feel that with every 2 step forward, we're taking 1 step back.

Baby steps. Baby steps are not enough without the majority community recognising the issue at hand.  Withput them acknowledging the problem, change can't be affected. Coz if the majority do not see it as a problem then how could minorities push forth their voice?

I really do get upset about people belittling the little guys. I get (unfortunately for the other idiot) extremely passionate about telling them off.

More often than not, I do not care what happens to me as long as the person on the receiving end of discrimination receives the apology or justice they deserve.

Maybe it's a job hazard. But tbh, I think it's because of how I am that I chose a certain career. out of passion.

It is not ok for minorities to conclude and accept situations that are discriminatory exclusive to their community as a way of life.

If you have never needed to try very hard to be something more than you are, then you come from privilege. There's nothing wrong with coming from privilege... Just don't stay within your own little bubble and assume that the rest of the world is as sheltered as you are.

Wake up. Look around. Open your eyes to the realities that are within your communities... Speak up when you see injustice. Do the right thing even if your voice shakes when you speak.

If you are unable to support your peers or your neighbours, then who willl? If you are unable to realise that your silence in the face of injustice validates those who are discriminatory towards minorities, then it's time to re-evaluate certain things in your life.

Racism is a very real thing. Coz it's the easiest form of discrimination is it not?

Coz race is a visual. You really don't have to work very hard to discover that an individual is different from you, you just have to look at them. Let's be honest, when you look at something- be it an object or a fellow human, comments are formed in your head, positive or otherwise. "Whoa her hair so bouncy!" "Oh dear, what's with the outfit". "Why do they create something so impractical?". "Omg. That thing should never see the light of day".

These are conversations you have with yourself. Musings in your own head.

But please, refrain yourself from making conclusions and stereotyping a person just by looking. Generalising a person based on your biased views of a specific race is as shallow as you looking at an innate object going "oooo shiny!". But the difference is one is an innate object, the other is a complex individual. Allow your thoughts to see the individual for who they are instead of the colour of their skin.

It is honestly very tiring, saddening and frustrating for someone to have worked very hard to achieve remarkable things but for these individuals to be brushed off solely based on the colour of their skin.

For them to climb mountains just to get to a really simple destination. For them to push through thorns just to be heard. For them to go through an obstacle course just to get a simple job or a tiny promotion. It is not even for something big and life changing, it is a simple day to day reality for some. But its a tiring reality. No one's asking for pity.

Put yourself in the shoes of others once in awhile. That's how you learn empathy. Not by telling them "to get used to it" or "get over it" already. 

Honestly, it's the minorities that should be telling you that. "Yes, we look different, have a different skin tone.. so why don't you get over it already? Coz we're so much more than our skin colour".

Ugh.

Of course, I have been privileged with my social circle where I am often the token minority in my clique (both in Sg & Aust). my social surrounding has been very vocal about shutting down racist remarks and have been very respectful of my racial and religious identity. But many are not lucky enough to have such friends on their side.

Outside of my safe circle, it is also a very different reality. Of course, i do not discard the fact that this vary from country to country, and community to community. I mean, I have seen the kindness and acceptance of absolute strangers ❤️ and the warm welcoming from others 🤗. I acknowledge that fully and appreciate it wholeheartedly. But it's really not about me, it's about racism against minority as a whole.

When it's good... it's great.

But on most days...

It is no doubt disheartening to see racism prevails under the veil of multiracial cohesiveness and the minorities are the second class citizens in a country they call home.

People wonder why did it escalate to this point over on the other side of the world.

That's because when you push a person to a point where they've had enough. Where they take a stand coz they're done with all the bullshit their whole lives. This happens. We're all humans at the end of the day. There's only so much a person can take. Especially if they have to deal with it their whole lives, for generations and they've prayed everyday that their children and the future generation would live in a kinder world.

Coz when enough is enough...

Enough Is Enough.

#SpeakOutEvenWhenYourVoiceShakes #Racism

Twenty - Twenty, What A Time To Be Alive.

Earth is healing in its own mystical ways and in so many ways, I am grateful for it. The year started as a pandemic swept the face of the Earth. Affecting everyone regardless of race, language, religions, nationality and social class.

Covid-19 made everyone equal as it swept through.

In the midst of panic, it became a reminder that at the end of the day we are all inferior to the almighty. That no matter what your riches are, when it matters, it doesn't always mean a thing.

That's a reminder to all those out there who used their status to belittle everyone in their surrounding. This moment, it's a perfect reminder.