I had a dream

I had a dream last night
What a lovely dream it was
I dreamed we all were alright
Happy in a land of oz
Why did everybody laugh when I told them my dream?
I guess they all were so far from that kind of that scene
Feelin real mean

I heard a song last night
What a lovely song it was
I thought I'd hum it all night
Unforgettable because..
All of the players were playing together
And all of the happies were as light as a feather
See, your love remember is a freeing of soul
But as I recall, the rest will just follow

I had a dream last night
What a lovely dream it was
I dreamed we all were alright
Happy in a land of oz
What a lovely dream it was
What a lovely dream it was

What a lovely dream it was

- Joss Stone

Well, lucky for me the dream woke me up this morning and I finally ended up in Visual Arts.. well after awhile that is... lol!

I think I need to resubmit some of my artwork. I am not satisfied with the marks I'm getting for this subject. How can I be screwing up art to begin with? FUCKING INSULTING CAN? Screwing art is not suppose to exist in my dictionary.. bleargh~

DRAMA ESSAY IS DUE IN 2 WEEKS. I REALISED IT YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS STARING AT THE CALENDAR! bleargh. research somewhat done but i have yet to decide on which question to do. hahahhaa.. smart rite? lol! HAIZ!

Reminder to self: Don't forget to hand in politics if not you'll end up having to sit for exams! (something i'm not intending to do!

)

I made fruit tart yest and kuih ko sui! HAHAHHAHAHA~!!!

yes yessss.. i can be housewife already.

You should see how i peeled those bloody oranges! i had to peel off the transparent skin as welllll!! i stood there peeling oranges in the middle of the night. lol!

yeah i know... strawberries would have been better (and faster since i just have to cut it in half)... but mel doesnt eat fruits and he only eats watermelon and oranges. oh and apples when he is trying to be polite not to offend others. LOL!

so unless i could dry up watermelons, i'll have to stick to oranges.. cant finish the entire tart myself wattt~ have to share if not it will take ages to finish!

Actually come to think of it, i can use watermelons. i'll just have to make little balls of it! but hor! bad enough i was peeling oranges. I dont need to scoop watermelons to make me feel more of a housewife. waaaa~~~

TMR i will bring more ko sui to school while we're gonna camwhore after class!! ok mel? sounds good? HAHHAHAHAHA!!!

XOXO

How is the final episode of Gossip Girl be the last one of the entire thing? LOL! the last episode just have tooo many things that is enough to open the next season! lol!!!

but I like how this season ends though. Its about time Chuck and Blair ends up together and did you realise how Blair was holding on to the presents as if her life depended on it while she was kissing Chuck? Most scenarios would already have the girls dropping the presents and literally melting into the guy's embrace. LOL!!

So basically, i cant wait to see what next season brings especially when the guy Dan met at the cafe is Dan's half brother!!!

Funny really, how everyone is suddenly going to NYU.

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I watched Hana Yori Dango (is that how its spelt?) again. season 1 when Deena was here and Season 2 over the weekend. And i cried like a baby still. even more now actually as compared to before.

Totally reminded me why I no longer watch Japanese dramas / animes and rarely Korean dramas nowadays. yup.

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Exams in a month and i have essays to do which I'm not moving my ass in starting it!!! bleargh~ I'm so not in the mooooddd~!

God help me.

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And Ma, don't worry about things too much. We always come to a solution, regardless of how long it'll take. =) I'm fine here. I'm contented with my way of living here. As of now, you don't need to have the need to feel as though you have to give me more...

So far its enough. I'm sorry for making everyone go through this.

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Suki, I still do.

Haiz. I realised it recently.

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Every continent seems to have their pop princess, R&B diva, etc.

Seems like Agnes Monica is SEA's Britney Spears. lol! I mean she has always idolize the lady. that's no secret.. but her songs nowadays are beginning to sound like toxic, pieces of me, circus and things like that... her music videos tooo~~

But 3 of her songs are definitely catchy.. lol!

When i go back...

Most probably nothing will be familiar back home anymore.

I AM GOING TO...

send Deena to a household chore class! bleargh~

I havent called or talked to my mom in awhile. I'm just so damn tired! I hope she wont mind.. much. gosh~

And I'm really feeling poor rite now... bleargh~ *Eats grass* I really do hope I get the job that I went for the interview for on tuesday. I really cannot survive not earning. I get really paranoid. ESPECIALLY now.

Can I have a turn at being pampered toooo?!! *falls into bed*

Living my life (oh!) Ay ay ay~!!

Went to Sydney over the weekend. Ya ya.. it was unexpected... LOL! Tickets was EX PLS! BLEARGH~! *Eats grass*

Now Sydney was interesting... and EXPENSIVE. DAMMIT. transport was like - daylight robbery! LOL! Surprisingly, I actually prefer this practically kampung western version of melaka comparing to it. LOL! When I was there, I actually missed the setup of Adelaide. No idea why. Don't ask. LOL!

Its quite disturbing how racist pple can get there. Not towards me though. But ya. Nevertheless, witnessing it gives me the urge to smack that person's face left right centre.

One thing that is obviously better off there as compared to here is the DJs in the club. Of course. their remixes arent as bad as some of it here... LOL!

Made new friends. Left an impression as I have here. Had a dance off just to save a particular someone. sheesh. Not once, Not twice... THREE EFFING TIMES.

At strike 3, he gave up. thank god. I wouldnt know what else to do lor if he didnt... haiz..

"Wow. She can dance. Fierce~!"

You know. I never thought of myself being able to do that despite loving to dance. LOL! ballroom and hip hop are worlds apart pls!

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I enjoy dance. I enjoy dancing to my favourite genre. LOL~

An impression was something I never expect that I could leave behind.

yes yes. I may not hold a black belt in taekwando. I definitely hold one on the dance floor.

The past week...

The past week has been... hmmm.. fun? I dont even know if that was the right word. From last friday till now, my mood has been positively happy. HAHAHAHAHA~!!

For the first time since I've arrived I'm actually thinking that this wasn't wrong at all. For once I forgot my misery. lol! interesting don't you think?

Oh well I hope the feeling lasts. it will suck if it doesnt!

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Law pub crawl was fun. Definitely interesting. LOL! It was something I will never forget that's for sure. for obvious reasons or not.

I like it. I like that. ;P

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Deena will be arriving here tomorrow. Now, that is something to look forward too~ lol!! She's staying here for a week... This weekend is something to look forward to I suppose since I might just be doing an inter-state.

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I'll be going fencing at Adelaide Uni one of these days. I think after Deena leaves? I dunno yet. I'll have to think about it. lol!

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I've applied for part time jobs. I think I'm settled enough to add a new routine into my schedule. YUP YUP!

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I have yet to move from the hills. Truthfully, I kinda like it here. But i have a goddamn love hate relationship with the bloody bus. And the dark. And as of now, my landlord! cb rite?

The only thing about looking for house, apart from comfort. I'm actually looking for a double or queen size bed coz I have the tendency of falling off the bed at night. especially if its a single bed. It happens in hotels, it happened in my aunts room. Sooo... ya. LOL!

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Nathaniel (Nat) one of the sabrist I've known and gotten along with in school has found my face innnocent looking and therefore has taken to pinching my cheeks. He needs to die. He's 17 btw. BLEARGH~! idiot.

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I'm becoming a hit in Politics class. WAHAHAHAHAHHAHA~!! My tutor can be such an idiot sometimes. lol!

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It was memorable. that's for sure.

If only you knew...

Cleland Wildlife Park

The day I saw Koalas, Koala, more Koalas, kangaroos and wallabes. Due to the persistence of my landlord in wanting to show me how a Koala look like, I was asked if I wanted to go to the Wildlife Park during school holidays. I thought that I should just shut her up and went for it. Since she's been asking me many times over, EVERYTIME I'M BACK FROM SCHOOL, if I have seen a Koala on my way home. bleargh~

You have no idea how many koalas i've seen by the end of the outing! I was actually more interested in the Dingoes, Bilbys and tasmanian devil then the stupid koalas and kangaroos.

Anywayz, the hand feeding the wallabe in the later picture is mine.

I had fun but if it were with other peeps, i would most probably had even more fun.

And guess what? My favourite animal is below! WOMBAT! ITS SO CUTE AND FLUFFLY I WANTED TO STEAL IT AND MAKE A SOFT TOY OR A FOOT STOOL OUT OF IT!! but yeah.. Cleland wildlife park being the peak of Adelaide hills. It was definitely scenic!!

Still life drawing is proving to be so much harder than my other subjects. Not that I can't draw... I realise that I'm 5 drawings behind in Visual Arts. I give up la. Really give up.

On to other subjects, I've finished all of my essays. Just need to do 3 movie reviews and I should be done with Politics altogether~ like for the rest of the semester. MUAHAHAHHAHA!

Its been raining the past few days... Gloomy Gloomy and coldddddd. It gets dark really fast toooo~~

I'M HUNGRY!!

I went to cleland wildlife park last sunday. I'll post up the pics soon~

Hey hey.

I don't know how you've been but I saw the message. Hope exams good so far!

You've been missed as well.. and everytime that happens...

I tend to watch this. http://www.supernovatube.com/play.php?viewkey=3394ffd25739e05c2eb5

The resemblance between them and us is uncanny don't you think? Everytime I watch this, it reminds me of that conversation we had exactly a week before I fly off at the airport. It was a week wasn't it?

My heart ached that night knowing that my departure is nearing and you're one of those that i'm not willing to leave behind.

There's 3 people in this world who can read me like a book and you're one of them.

I'll see you... soon enough. In the meantime, take care and I miss you as well.

As many have requested for this, i'm uploading a photo entry!

This was my trip to Bakehouse Theatre when I went to catch Mediocrity for my drama assignment. Yes yes. I know abit slow. I even got back my assignment already. LOL! But i like the theatre tho. very very cosy.

I went to Glenelg last week's sunday? coz I was bored and I wanted to be out and I've had enough of staring at my wall. So I asked latha whether she wanna go out or not. Since I am craving for pizza. MUAHAHAHHAHA~!!

I went over to Mel's place last Tuesday coz I wanted to check out a house at Melrose Park and I can only go there after 5 and I finished school at 1. So I ended up at his house and crawled on his bed to sleep coz I was suffering from a flu symptom headache.. But but. i'm all fine now.

So after seeing the house. I was hungry. He was hungry. SO we went grocery shopping and I helped him cook~

Check out the damage! Its like a damn war zone. And our plates are like SUPER CLEAN!!! lol!!! WE EVEN ATE BREAD AFTER THE RICE. TALK ABOUT BABIFIED RITE? LOL!!

HAHAHAH!! CONTENTED FACES YO!

So I cooked Wanton the previous day and he cooked satay ayam the next and wednesday, he suppose to feed me during lunch anywayz and we both have tooooo many things left overs so we told latha to join us for lunch! and we had like a... 4 course meal?!?!

WAHAHAHHA!! If this 4 course meal is often. I will never succeed in losing the weight i need to lose.

So Sunday was Easter Sunday and I received eggs! This one is from my landlord and from my favourite chocolate shop!! HAIGHS!!

I've finished it on the day itself while watching tv. so. anywayz, that was the beginning of my term break!!!!

Now. I'm hungry! i'm currently thinking what I should cook! hmmmmmm.... And I have yet to finish my assignments. PROCRASTINATION IS A BAD THING!

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. ... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire ; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything"

- NEW MOON [Chapt 23, pg 514]

My breath caught as I continued reading the paragraph that seems to be screaming out at me, vocalizing the thoughts that i've kept hidden...
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Don't ask me to move away from the one thing that means the world to me. Don't ask me to stop seeing the one thing that makes me smile from the heart. Don't ask me to stay away from the one thing that makes me calm.


Because I can't accept it. I can live in denial. But not for it to be stripped away from me.


A promise is a promise. I'm keeping it. Whether the other keeps it or not is another story. But I keep my word.


So don't ask me to do any of the above.


I won't. I can't.


I have my reasons.

Yes I'm irritated. with you.

I've been having dreams.

Nightmares? I dunno.

Is this a sign? Was it a hint?

Stop making me remember. Just stop it. I'm trying to survive here. I can deal with it later. When I'm older. More mature.

why? why?

why do i have such constant recurring dream? Are you going to leave me again?

I did not realise this until i was looking at my politics tutorial in an attempt to do last minute preparation for class. that i am into week 6 of my education here! sheesh~

Talk about fast. I am even more stressed out now. I feel alittle left behind. But then again, I may just be paranoid. LOL!

Yes. I was irritated.

Sometimes, I wonder what wrong have I done to get certain tones and flippant remarks being thrown at me.

So is that my fault? god. there are times that i wanna kick something and that was one of it. Usually, a person will go like, "you should go there.. or we should go there some time." Or something like that... I mean is it really wrong to give an invitation? Am I some stranger?

No. its not your fault. No. I don't blame you. Have I ever blame you for anything that ever happened? No. Have I ever found fault with you? No. Have I ever retaliated towards any form of unfairness? No.

Seriously, what was that for?

What's up with the arrogance nowadays anywayz? What's up with the defenses?

BLEARGH~

So term break's next week. At least I know what I'm gonna do on the saturday. LOL! Been trying to finish ALLLLL my essays before term break so I dont have to wonder whether I've done things or not during break... Know what I mean? That will just be sucha turnoff!

So you'll wonder.. Why is Nad so hardworking rite? MY ESSAYS ARE DUE DURING TERM BREAK! BODOH OR WAT! I WANNA SLEEP IN AND HOORAY HOORAY FOR 2 WEEKS LEI! I don't wanna come back to the library and do research. I shall do it all now! even though its making me super busy and havent been sleeping much at all. But its ok. Term break is coming. I can sleep all i want then.

I just realised that my International Relations essay is 1ooo words instead of 1500 words that I thought it was. THANK GOD!

My bruise from Fencing have yet to disappear. It has yet to turn purple either. Its still red! IDIOT LA ALL THESE PEOPLE. If I am gonna be a victim of brutality I would rather train by myself. But then again, its ok. It comes with the sport. First years are always like!! ARGH! they'll definitely get yellow cards during competition. bleargh~

I remembered when I got my yellow cards. I collected 23 yellow cards and 2 red in one competition. Not my fault. My opponent was down with fever - so anything I do, he felt the impact more then usual and he told the referee that I was too brutal. Bloody idiot shouldn't join the competition to begin with. Referee actually told me to not so be so brutal coz my opponent is sick. I'M LIKE WTF!?

So i got yellow cards throughout my 15points bout and for arguing with the referee telling him that this is unfair. And by the time 10 points arrived, imagine you tired and constantly being stopped coz your opponent keep on complaining, i lost my cool and swore on piste. I received my very first red card.

By 14 points. I got another red card as well. coz that bugger said i was brutal. and I answered the referee this. "Why the fuck did he even bother? Its not as if he is winning either. I'm winning by fucking 8 points even with all the penalties he's getting, the yellow cards i'm receiving. If he is so damn sick that he is gonna die anytime soon. He can just end this rite now. Since I AM winning anywayz. Disqualify himself and stop wasting my time."

So my second red card was because I was rude. Ya. Referees always have all kinda reasons to give you colourful cards. The give you cards based on conduct when half the time their conduct is questionable. That was my very first mix (men+women) nationals competition. I hated the guy and the referee up till now.

So how has Fencing been here? I have nothing much to comment lor. Teammates and all. Everytime I think of fencing the guys back home. I can only think of Matt and how bored Matt will be fencing the guys here. LOL! I don't think I'm good. But I think I put up a good enough fight with Matt. I do get points. LOL!

But the coach here is pushing my fitness level back to before. When I mean back to before - my trainings are nearly the same as when I was in Secondary School. Not the fencing portion. But the physical portion. So ya. If you pple wanna see me slim down. You might just have gotten your wish. Since I'm training twice a week. ISH.

OH AND I NEED TO CAMWHORE SOON! MY CAMERA IS GETTING DUSTY AT THE RATE I'M IGNORING IT.

I need to go to the market and then go home to do laundry and prepare for next week's tutorials and seminar papers since I'm doing my drama presentation next week. I HOPE I DO IT RITE AND IT WONT BE BORING! worried sia~

And I need to do my drawings too~! Are you guys free sometime today or over the weekend?!

And finish my essays, for real this time.. since I don't think I'm free tomorrow.

I was suppose to go Sydney for Easter Break. But sorry ah babe, the flight tickets are incredible la. I cannot afford at the moment. I was thinking of going Melbourne... That is still pending i suppose~ Not sure if i would really wanna go there or not. hmmmmm~~~!!! I have to plan my finances coz of end June.

Its funny really. How one can behave one way in front of you, appear totally different somewhere else and do something else altogether.

Sometimes I wonder, how do one keep track of such things? lies? manipulations? deceptions?

ha. Its funny. really funny. how things has a funny way of blowing up in my face whether you know it or not.

Maybe I'm the only one around that is still honest. That appreciates honesty, in every form.

Prayers from 10,000 miles away...

I pray that you will wake up soon to see the smile on the faces of your loved ones. I pray that you will wake up soon to ease the worry in their minds.

I'm not there, but that doesn't mean I don't know about this.

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This is just a clarification.

If only you read this blog of mine. Only then, you'll know how often i've been disappointed by everyone's actions. I'll never leave quietly. I have nothing to hide from any of you. All I wanted was some support, some assurance and maybe knowing that I have you guys. But it was too much to hope for.

You should know me better than that. I will never leave without saying goodbye. And you should know everyone else much better since you grow up with them; what they are capable off.

I am deemed as unimportant as long as I'm nothing even though they know I've brought so much to the family already. They always have thought of me as the one that will bring everything good to the family, but please... don't reappear once I've gotten what I've always wanted to have.

I did not leave quietly. I was ignored. But let me tell you something, I will return... quietly. Becoz, I don't want sudden association with any of you. Coz I know, then, all of you will return into my vision because of what I will be in the future.

There's no point in having your children to compete with me so that you'll be at the same par with me. They have each voiced out what they wanna be. Never force them to be what they don't wanna be. Success is not measured by which profession or certificate you get but by what you turned out to be by the end of it.

I'm sick and tired of having to constantly prove myself when I know at the end of the day. This is my life. You, have nothing to do with it.

It may sound as if I'm cutting off all ties. But I'll only be staying around those who have stood by me.

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Nur,

I wonder if you read this blog of mine. There are times that it appear as though you do. We both made a promise to each other and you promised me to be something that others here have never been. To not be like any of them. I taught you everything because of what you desperately aimed not to be. So please, go to school. Don't skip school anymore and allow others to think what they have always thought.

I know that you don't keep things from me. You tell me everything and even asked me permission sometimes. Doesn't mean that I'm here and far away from you... You won't have anyone to talk to. Doesn't mean that I won't know and I won't care. If I didn't care, this portion to you will not be posted up. So please. Keep your promise and hold firmly to your dreams. Don't disappoint me the way everyone else there already have.

Love always,
Cik DeeDee.

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Mama,

Happy Birthday. I'm sorry that I did not get to celebrate you turning 50 with you. =) But that doesn't mean I've forgotten about it.

I never wrote it in any of the past few entries coz I was afraid that you read my blog... BUT I hope you like the cake I've ordered to be sent to you! Enjoy!

Lotsa Lurve,
Dee.

When I was in Sec 1, Swimming and gymnastics was a compulsory thing.

Swimming was an after school activity, APART from CCA & house meetings / trainings. It was something that every student have to do. An SJC girl has to own a swimming cert.

Gymnastics was something that was done during P.E. on top of our usual basketball, volleyball and things like that...

GUESS WHAT MY JUNIORS HAVE RITE NOW?

All Seconday 1 and 2 students are exposed to Dance, Music & Drama Modules, each lasting 7-weeks for 4 terms.



The perks of being semi autonomous huh? You choose your own modules.

Bloody shit. I'm jealous. LOL! I want to be back in Sec sch too~

Devil Wife.

Yes so the thought has solidified in everyone's head.

GOOD LUCK TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND FOR GETTING ME FOR A WIFE. rite?

bloody shit. so pple have been telling me alllll over again. Good luck to whoever ends up marrying me. His life will not be peaceful.

I can be a sarcastic biatch to the husband but at the same time, he will see the other side of me that you people will definitely find it hard to believe that such a side exist.

Bloody fuckers.

I can be nice when I want to be alrite.

Hit me like a ray of sun...

Beyonce - Halo

Remember those walls I built
Well baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
Woah...

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo)
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Halooooo ouuuu
Ouuuuu ouuuuu ouuuuu

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo
I can feel your halo (halo) halo
I can see your halo (halo) halo

Hello all. Its been awhile hasn't it?!

Let's see.. what have I been up to? Nothing much really. Just that been adjusting to school life. Have tons of readings to do due to my weird ass combination this sem.

I'm too caught up with my worry about certain things and surviving in school that I haven't exactly been.. ermm.. myself much. But apart from that, I'm a much more friendly person this past week then I was the beginning of school. I've started to smile alittle bit more.

I have a love hate relationship with school. I dont know it that I'm stupid or what. Have no idea why is my understanding of things is so much different then what the rest comprehends. Drives me crazy... Makes me start wondering whether did I read things rite. HAIX!

I've started fencing here. Its ok. But I definitely prefer my competition back in Singapore. It was much more challenging in a sense? I miss the guys and their nonsensical bickers. The guys here tend to buy insurance so much more often then the guys back home and sometimes, I try so hard not to roll my eyes. So in fencing, I recall, Tyson, Nathaniel (Nat), Mark (?), Rob, Tracey. Cant remember anyone else!!!

I had the worst nightmare. My first dream since I've reached here. I started crying in my sleep. The pain was too real. Then I woke up and ask myself... is it really? true? I dunno. I'm scared. *hugs self*

I've been procrastinating. My assignments are half done and one of it have to be handed in on Monday. Ok. not really procrastinating. more like.. i've been doing it bit by bit and now i've put it aside coz it doesnt seem to flow. BLEARGH~! maybe i'm aiming for too much perfection. But then again, maybe i should. There's too many things at stake.

I have a rash growing at the back of my left hand. I suspect its an allergy reaction and I have no idea to what. It has the same effect as my allergy reactions to any Calvin Klein perfumes. It itches so bad and at the same time painful. HAIX.

Oh. And I need to save up for a car. And I need a job.

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I look within too much that I've not looked out and around. I'm too scared to think about other aspects of my life that I currently live only for school.

MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

I'm going through Midsummer Night's Dream for my seminar presentation coming up in 3-4weeks. Since I have not chosen my question, I thought it would be wise to do so only after reading the txt.

Now I remember why I'm a closet romantic. I've always been attached to the works of Shakespeare. I guess I'm a true blue literature girl? LOL!

As the words flew past, wouldn't it just be beautiful if pple still express their feelings so passionately like so?

A Conversation between Lysander & Hermia (When Hermia's dad forbids her to marry Lysander and to marry whoever he chooses)

Lysander:

Ay me! For aught that I could ever read, Could ever hear by tale or history. The course of true love never did run smooth; But either it was different in blood-

Hermia:

O Cross! Too high to be enthralled to low!

Lysander:

Or else misgraffed in respect of years-

Hermia:

O spite! Too old to be engaged to young!

Lysander:

Or else it stood upon the choice of friends-

Hermia:

O Hell! Too choose love by another's eyes!

Lysander:

Or, if there were a sympathy in choice, War, death, or sickness did lay seige to it, Making it momentany as a sound, Swift as shadow, short as any dream, brief as the lightning in the collied night, That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth, and ere a man hath power to say "Behold!" The jaws of darkness do devour it up: So quick bright things come to confusion

Hermia:

If then true lovers have been ever crossed, It stands as an edict in destiny: Then let us teach our trial patience, Because it is a cutomary cross, as due to love as thoughts and dreams and sighs, wishes and tears, poor Fancy's followers...

AND THE BEST PORTION GOES TO THE ENDING OF THE SCENE OF COURSE!

Hermia:

My good Lysander! I swear to thee, by Cupid's strongest bow, by his best arrow with the golden head, by the simplicity of Venus' doves, by that which knitteth souls and prospers loves, and by that fire which burned the Cathage Queen.

When the false Troyan under sail was seen, by all the vows that ever men have broke, in number more than ever women spoke, in that same place thou hast appointed me, tomorrow truly will I meet with thee.

IS THAT A PROMISE OR A PROMISE? LOL!

I truly think no one has the time to talk like that anymore! LOL! but hey, its nevertheless quite a fantasy to have such things in your head. A world so magical.

Where Mediocrity isn't so Mediocre.

Been out on plays marathon. Yup yup. Watched Mediocrity on Friday and After The End on Saturday.

And yes, I watched it alone.. I decided that if I were waiting for someone I might end up missing the Fringe festival and would screw up my assignment. I would still wanna watch a few other shows.. So we'll see. Lol! Its funny how theatre is dirt cheap here and on top of that, I'm on concession rate. MUAHAHAHAH~!

Its really different. As in when they say Caution: Nudity/sexual content, it really did mean that their actors will walk around naked and maybe about to have sex right there on stage. LOL! If they did, then it wouldn't be a play anymore. It'll just be porn; with a really long roleplay. WAHAHAHA!!

So I was at Bakehouse Theatre. Its a quaint little house like building, greyish black walls with bright red windows. Audience capacity isn't much just enough to have a cosy setting. But its a 15minutes walk from Victoria Square. Which is ok but if the sun is scorching, it might just be alittle painful. LOL! I like it there at Bakehouse Theatre.

I also like the fact that a play here doesn't necessarily have to be 24scenes or 2hrs long like the standard showtime back in singapore. Mediocrity was 30mins and it left an impression more than any 2hrs show i've watched.

Its cool how some of the audience are actors and in the midst of mingling while waiting for the house to open, they receive a phone call from a director and VOILA~! they're suddenly booked for an upcoming productions.

Its like the bustling life of Moulin Rouge.

Mediocrity was a show about everything Mediocre, nothing out of ordinary, so much so the characters are depicted from normal everyday people. The main character (for eg) have done nothing much in his life other then exist. He gets bullied by his wife, neighbour, boss and even his doctor. He gets puts down, lost all self confident and he finds solace in coffee. The one beverage he enjoys while sitting at the table and staring blankly into space.

He suddenly found release with death. When the doctor diagnosed that he might die, he gleefully took it as his escape (not initially but little did he know, the doctor has his name mixed up with someone else's. LOL!)

After the End was something about this guy who is mentally unstable. he was obsessed with this particular girl whom he claims the love of his life that he actually kidnapped her when she was sleeping or drunk or watever it is into this underground shelter and told her that there was a nuclear explosion up there and she cannot leave or open the hatch or the radioactivity will just kill of them.

Twisted but nice. Some thing is just not right about it and I cant seem to pinpoint what it is coz 90mins was DAMN LONG! i nearly did fall asleep.

Thanks to my blog entry, i might just be half way through my assignment.

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I bought a local band's cd. It was interesting, music arrangement and all. I was kinda approached by it. I think I give this music student vibe or something coz this is not the first time. Haiz.

But anywayz, the music was good. So i bought it. The band is called - A Sound of Mind.

That was the drawing / doodling I made in Visual Arts class. The one I was blogging abt? I think its doodling la since it was only given 5minutes before the lecturer walk about... MUAHAHAHAH..

how? not bad rite?

oh and one of the assignments is to replicate an art piece of a famous painter and know its marks. I have only completed one. The other one is in progress and I have yet to find another piece...

I've chosen Picasso's 3 Women from his cubism works. I have no idea if it is ok... Hmmmm... I hope I do the right thing..

But anywayz, here it is:

Like something wrong hor? i think its lopsided.. hmrph!

Today was a full blown school day for me...

Tomorrow would be mirroring today as well!

I had Politics through film today both film screening and lecture. LOL!

This week's topic was Russian Revolution. So we have to watch this Black and White Silent Movie called October. Its quite funny actually.. well, at least, I found it funny! LOL!

And then after that, I ran through 4 faculties from Humanities (in which my Politics Film Screening was held) to the Education building (on top of the hill) where I'm taking Visual Arts as a module this semester. It was a back to back timetable for me. About 5-10minutes to spare! bleargh!!!

So I had Visual Arts Workshop. LOL! that was fun seriously. Its still life drawing. Thank god our subject wasnt naked or i wouldnt have been able to finish all my drawings! WAHAHHAH!! I'll be too embarrased to look anywhere below the torso!! lol!

Truthfully, I never knew I would still have it in me to draw. After everything that has happened and me putting away ALL drawing tools 5yrs ago, I was actually skeptical about enrolling myself in this module.

So anyways, by the time I reached class, I was actually breathless. LIKE FISH OUT OF WATER SIA! and I met Jade. Remember the girl I made friends with at Week O? Yup. She took Visual Arts as one of her modules this sem as well!

I made friends with Chloe. This girl who happened to be standing beside me and I was clueless about everything since well, i wasn't aware there was a damn workshop last week. So I actually asked her what was it that she was putting inside the box (the instructor wasnt here yet. so i got no one else to ask rite? lol)

So I found out. I have assignments. Yup. 3 in fact and I'm already behind. LOL! but somehow I'm not worried. LOL! i need to shoot myself. OVER CONFIDENT SIA! LOL!!!!!

Plus this week's, I have 6 drawings to complete. And Melvyn will be the victim for 3 of it. Actually not only 3. I think for the entire Semester. lol!

Then I met the most hilarious guy in Visual Arts. Kelvin. At least I think that's how the name is spelt. I mean how else rite? He is ABC. Australian born Chinese. LOL! we're the 2 kutus who didnt know shit about anything coz obviously. Didn't know there was workshop last week. Champion rite?!

He wasn't a clown in class, he just appeared to be when we were both walking to the Plaza since I was on the way to an already LATE LUNCH and a (not so) Grumpy more like hungry Melvyn. Sorry hor! Forgot to tell you that class was 2hours! LOL!

Oh and you know wat else? Clumsy me had an easel fell on me today! Bloody shit. Embarrasing sia. So obviously, now pple know who i am! BABI AH!

I'll take a pic of my drawing today and will post it up later!!

So what am i doing in school? I'm actually gonna start on my readings and then... well.. maybe.. Check the fencing team out? They're having their training today and they told me that I can drop by and just see.

If things go well, this might just be on the list for me this year... http://www.unigames.com.au/extra.asp?id=368&OrgID=1

The all awaited Uni Games.

I AM SO GONNA DIE IN MY DRAMA STUDIES!!!

WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA~!!!

THE AMOUNT OF BOOKS I HAVE TO HAVE AS MY TEXTBOOKS! YAY!

LOL!!!

and the number of plays i have to review! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

I have a knack for this dont i?! getting myself into screwed up situations. LOL!

oh and guess what! i was late for international relations. So I didn't go for it. And now i'm writing to my lecturer to grant me permission to crash into another class!!! The one subject that I've been doing my tutorial for!!! *pulls hair*

I am actually frustrated with the damn bus.

Who am i fooling seriously?

Gosh.

I can't lie to myself forever... Can I?

I'm more then the person I am now. That I know.

Don't ask me what I did over the weekends - I did nothing.

Don't ask me who i went out with - I have no one.

Don't ask me whether i've made friends - I have none.

Don't tell me that at least I have someone here. Don't tell me that. Why? Do I really?


I've never felt this way before. Its ridiculous really.

Loneliness is a crime. It should be a sin as well. It should.


Just refrain from asking me things which I have to continously repeat myself. Please. I know it is all out of concern.. but ya.

Random Blogging.

Its been 10 days since my last post. To tell you the truth, 10 days later.. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!

Wahahahahaha.. that is how unhappening my life is rite now.

School has started. Lectures only so i have yet to know who will be in the same tutorial slot as me. I'll find out next week! lol!

International Relations have driven me to dreamland EVERYTIME I attempt to do my tutorial. Don't get me wrong. I've done most of my readings and whenever I turn on my laptop, I'm either sleepy or I'm playing games.

So here I thought that.. You know.. i'm getting lazy. But i soon realised that its just the subject. Lecture is torturing shit out of me. But I've decided not to drop the module and just proceed with it. I know I can do this without feeling so clueless half the time. So yeah.

I'll start doing my essay soon. bleargh~ Since that will be the way to force me to finish reading everything. so ya.

And yes, I'm here in school library typing away for my tutorial [that's the only way for me to stay awake! Drag myself out of the house.] and taking a break to blog for awhile. lol!

Politics on the other hand has a total opposite effect on me! LOL! Politics through film is the politics module that i'm taking this semester and it is fun! I have an American Lecturer and he is uber funny! He reminds me of santa claus. lol!

Drama was cancelled.

And I missed my Visual Arts lecture this morning at 10. Coz I woke up at 920. Trust me, that is not STILL EARLY. that term doesnt apply here.

Coz my bus to school is at 9.22am and the next one will be at 9.52. No way in hell I could make it for the 9.22am or the 9.52am one. Even if i run up the hill to the bus stop! ARGH! Its annoying really! haiz.

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The weather is transition from Summer to Winter rite now. So i suppose now is Autumn? LOL! its cold. Not as in freezing cold. as in air con cold and its windy!

I went shopping the other day. I bought myself sweaters and a jacket... i needed it.. Badly! lol!

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Due to the cold weather, other things have been visiting me lately.

THE OTHER DAY I SAW A MOUSE IN MY ROOM! BLOODY HELL!

I didn't scream coz it was like 1am!!!! But yeah. I was traumatized! Tell me when will I ever get to see a mouse in a house in Singapore?! fuck. I was annoyed. I was frustrated.

That stupid mouse was the last straw with everything I had to deal here.

I actually called home crying telling my mom that I wanna go home coz of that stupid mouse. And that I didn't wanna stay in a house anymore! I wanna stay in a flat all over again! Lol!

Embarrassing. yes. Moment of weakness.

My landlord have set up mouse traps. She told me its normal since the weather is getting colder now. So they are coming to find a warmer place and food! *kills self*

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So I'm waiting for school to properly start and hopefully i'll have friends by end of the week! Things are really boring! Like totally uber boring! SHEESH!

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Oh ya. I watched Milk the other day. The film that won many many awards this yr? Ya. that one. Its about this gay political activist who is fighting for gay rights in America. Based on a true story.

SO what did I think about it? Well.. it was ok.. I mean the story was nice and all. But it was kinda slow in certain parts and all. And some issues were really really repetitive. I mean OK! WE GET IT ALREADY! NEXT ISSUE PLS!

the movie was kinda long, my butt was aching from all the sitting that day.

Movie here is kinda expensive. And i found my new favourite cafe! Cocolat! i love it there. Everything's chocolate! lol!

Only thing was that... company was lemau pls!

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Oh guess who said hello on webcam just now?!

YUP! MY GODCHILDREN! SO CUTE HOR? I WANNA BITE THE TWINS! Aaliah was blowing me kisses! LOl! sweetness.com.

Today is my free day.

Im supposed to go to school and get my Student ID. But ah well, i'll just do it tmr. I'm too lazy to do anything today...

My butt's aching from all the climbing of hill i did the past few days.

I'm going to cook later, waiting for my potatoes to cool down before cutting it up. I hate cooking. Its not that I can't. Its just that I'm lazy to do it. ESPECIALLY the cleaning up afterwards.

haix. To tell you the truth, i would rather not eat. bleargh. I have no idea why the pots and pans here have to be extra heavy either.

I'm still tired from everything or rather, events that occured before I reach here. Its been close to a week that I'm here.

I bury myself in all forms of mundane activities so that I wouldnt have to think about anything else. I washed the toilet yesterday! yes people. record it down. go get 4D!

Do I miss home? I'm actually not sure. Am I homesick? Actually i don't think so. I can survive here perfectly well on my own.

Missing everyone? hmm yeah i suppose.. alittle bit.

The one thing i don't really like about staying with a family is.. I dunno. maybe they see the need to try and be nice to me?

Everytime they see me, they asked, how's my day? how's everything?

The one thing i can think off in my mind is.. Boring. I can't possibly answer that out of all purpose of politeness. I'm not used to people asking me how was my day and what i did. I actually find all these conversations painful

I'm not the kind to open up willingly. I'm not the kind who likes talking about my day and my activities. How interesting can a conversation that's answered with , "It was fine.. i had fun." "it was ok... nothing much really." and "its was great.. rather interesting." be?

Honestly, i think i might actually be happier being left alone without any forced conversation to deal with. I take every opportunity available to escape.

I miss people who i can actually talk to. About anything.

Its actually surreal that this journey has begun. I still cant believe it. Even though, its been what I've wanted to do since sec sch. Study overseas. My degree...

Its been rather distant and awkward and I can't seem to pinpoint what it is actually. Not on earth half the time. Maybe he misses home? I don't know.

Its only been a fortnight and so much has changed. oh well. People move on fast. People change.

Its about time I do. I'm tired.

I wonder what will 5yrs do to those i've left behind at home? haix.

Hi, I'm from Mars! You?

This, is Week 'O'. and I had my orientation just now.

I'm the exotic looking girl where nobody knows from where.. and even then, they're still shocked when they found out i'm not australian.. *faints*

I'm the only asian in my first yr undergrad bachelor programme. (There's this other Malaysian guy around. but he's rather annoying. so, no one really bothers talking to him.)

I'm known as the girl that doesn't really have an accent, have no idea where she's from but we all know that she has big beautiful brown eyes!

I really don't know how to react to that. really.

I have no idea whether i'm ugly or wat lor! but then.. everyone's somewhat young and SLIM! idiots. i feel fat.

So we had to play a game just now... BINGO. its like descriptive random phrases and you have to put in the name of the people that you think fits it.

There was a box for, not born in Adelaide, has brown eyes, etc.

So everyone ran to me when i have no idea who said that, SHE'S NOT LOCAL to someone (not that loud of course)

and suddenly i was specimen A.

let me show you an example of one conversation i had.

there was one girl saw me and asked me... OMG! everyone's saying you're from singapore... so is like singaporean your first language?
me: *chokes on lemonade*
me: erm.. no.. we speak english perfectly well and singaporean is our identity..
her: ohhh really? i work in an asian restaurant and they have all these singaporean dishes..
me: ohh wow.. ok..
her: so what;s your modules?
me: i'm taking the politics majors..
her: oh wow.. you're really smart..

I really didnt know how to react to such things.

So in the midst of nearly everyone writing my name in that box (after looks of shock that i'm not local and awe that i'm singaporean) suddenly someone was like.. i love your eyes! they're really brown! like milk chocolate! beautiful too~

then everyone stared and then those who already had someone in the tab of not born in adelaide wrote my name in "has brown eyes" box.

I just stared. In horror.

Unlike someone who got approached by fellow region counterparts and asked whether he's japanese, i sadly didnt receive any of that. all i got was winks and smiles. bleargh~!

somehow, i suddenly dont see any other fellow region counterparts anymore. especially at the cafe just now. i have no idea why!!

and my first friend is jade. she's platinum blonde, has greenish brown eyes and really really really pretty. well at least i think she is. pretty i mean. she's doing a double degree in art/education.. so ya.. might be seeing her ard sch.. who knows.. *shrugs*

so today,

I was Specimen A.

I'd be better of in a medicine degree don't you think? as long as i'm not something to be stared at and then write a thesis on. LOL~!

I'll try to update more often k? byeee.. me going off again... soon. i realised. i dont really have much clothes for sch. so me is going jay jays.

Dear All,

YES I'VE REACHED YESTERDAY at 7.40am (australia time that would make it 5.10am in singapore)! SAVE AND SOUND!!! LOL!!

been going about and ended up in Marion Shopping Centre. MUAHAHAHAH~!! me is liking it. and yes. i shop by myself.

I went to central market with my landlord yesterday to get food and necessary groceries.

Went to Marion just now coz i was exploring the buses. SO yes, i was by myself waiting for the non-existent bus. haix. coz i was at the bus stop a little TOOOOOO early. bloody hell.

But its a nice change. I love staring at the valley when i'm in the bus. LOL! AND I LOVE MARION. Have i said that already? Lol.

Living on the hills is quite inconvenient as the buses are scarce. I might move down to the flatlands... who knows? LOL!

It was my landlord's brother's birthday today.. so the family was here and they had BBQ and i was a part of it!! yayness!! the children are so cute my god! i wanna bite them.. but i dont have pictures~!!

sorry!

And thanks everyone for sending me off the other day. really appreciate it. Missing you guys already!!!

Will be bringing my cammie out one of these days~!

To Be Continued...

We'll have this conversation again, 5 years later.

We'll see what happens then.

Coz i dont see the point of explaining my life to anyone.

Am I suppose to be the one asking?

Sometimes, I dunno who's been the fool.

Sometimes, I dunno why is it so hard to be truthful to me.

Sometimes, I wonder whether did I know the truth or otherwise all these while.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on.

Sometimes, I wonder why do i even bother staying around when there's so many unanswered questions.

Sometimes, I wonder whether is it me that's been too hard on you.

If yes, then tell me, and i'll leave.

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I'm not looking forward to things anymore. I'm leaving behind all familiarity for something unknown. I've lost all faith in mankind. All faith. And yet, I'm diving into a possible shitty situation all by myself. I have a knack for such things.

Have I been blind? I'm not just another character in a book. I'm human.

How can everything right be wrong? There will always be Hope? No? But no.. All hope is lost.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you'll have to paint it green sometimes.

I'm hurt, I'm lost and I'm heartbroken.

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Thanks. Thanks for showing me exactly what I mean to you.

Don't ever think of sharing the light that comes along with the glory of my achievements. Don't ever think of that.

Don't ever think that a day will come where I will stoop and bow down. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you will be in my memory till end of time. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think of all the possibilities the future could bring you with my success. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you'll have a place in my heart. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think this girl will just compromise her life and believes for you, of all people. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that I will ever ask for your forgiveness and don't ever think that I will accept it the day you seek me for it. Don't ever think that.

I told you that I will never find someone who will ever accept me for who I am ever again. And you never did believe did you?

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I'm so afraid. I'm just really afraid. of things, of you, of everyone, of myself. For once, I wanna let my guard down, I wanna be dependent on someone for a change, I wanna be pampered and looked after too. A girl always will wanna be loved even if she denies it. I wanna be that girl too, but too many things have showed me not too.

I wanna ask things from people, only to realise that the questions can't seem to come out of my mouth coz I'm afraid of the rejection that might accompany the reply.

hmmm... so one would be wondering what did i do on vday rite?

i was fen.cing. with josh. *rolls eyes* basically, we're the two without dates when i ask him why he said this.. ,"i dont have girlfriend la, cant be bothered... waste money."
Me:"like as if you have so little to begin with."
him:"no girlfriend = more money = more clothes for me"

and when he asked me why i dont have a date... COACH JUST HAD TO BUTT IN. bleargh.

then i was on the road for abt... 4 and half hours and then, i was picked up and drove toooo...

A METAL GIG!

lol! trust me. it was one experience. lol. i dont listen to rock... much, and i dont listen to things that i wont understand. sooooooo, it was interesting

the moshing, the s0ngs, and how people were so high on drugs / alcohol. LOL!

how was my weekend? it was activity filled. Gig, shopping, driving, bowling, dvd marathon, arcade, karaoking, chilling and eating. lots of things.

thanks for everything. you'll definitely be missed.

i already dont know how i'm gonna survive there. bleargh.

ALUMNUS PAPPARAZZIS!

Remember the last time I went for Alumni Gathering at Fort Canning? Yeah well, our cammies were not the only ones filled with our faces you know. We took pics with the event photographers. LOL!

So i've been waiting for the pics to materialise when I received a message from Kin this morning our pic was on album cover. For a moment there I was like.. HUH? WHAT PICTURE? WHAT THING? WHAT EVENT?

She asked me to check my mail.

And this was what I saw as the album cover.

We took ton of pics and I didnt expect them to put it ALL UP! We took abt 10-15 pics (i mean with event photographer is alot wat), and the best part? its ALL UP! *hides face*

Hahaha.. DramaTec better be proud to have seniors like us. LOL!~

I actually find this quote entertaining and well.. very true.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

And Deena, where did you find this? you too free hor!

Hide & Seek

Its funny, really, the things I resort to just for that one person. Never once have I ever have to hide from anyone and hope that I was as clear as air. And yet, I still do it...

I'm not the most humble person around. I think I'm quite arrogant. My pride and ego is always so high. And yet.

I really have nothing to say. Do I feel like shit? yeah. I guess I do. I'm now the friend. Fine. But yet, I am still the one that can't be seen.

How does it feel really? To have the one person (besides your mom) that you cherish more than your life depart for a foreign land and there you are, present but hiding behind a ticketing counter to see him off. Not even sure if you can see him personally before he flies off. Because you're just not suppose to exist. At least not anymore.

This is not a plot i took out of the recent Korean Drama series i'm watching. this is real life. This is mine.

With arms folded and listening, one can only imagine the fear within. I was scared, I was on the verge of tears and I was sad. Its been such a long time since my guard went up that high. Its been such a long time. One can practically see a great wall of china built right in between us as he stood right in front of me.

It's weird saying goodbye. It really is. I've never said goodbye to friends before. Especially not him. I've never been good with goodbyes. I can't seem to say anything. I'll just keep quiet and stay as far away as possible.

I hate the idea of pple leaving. I hate the idea of going away.

I am sometimes afraid of the things I will do to overcome that.

Patience Nad, patience. Nothing stays rock bottom forever. You of all people should know that better than anyone else. Haven't you learn that? your whole life?

Dear God,

Give me the patience and strength to keep it in.
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I hope you've reached. Safe and sound.

The picture that made me smile.

Credits to Sin Ni and the scrapbook she made for me. And I know she's not that arty farty and for her to do that for me.. AWW~! *tears*

4Oreos was well known. This is the girl band that graced many school events. The girl band that joined the school talent time and got into the top 5 finals. This is the girl band that played our own instruments, create our own dance moves and sing, with cordless, clip on mics! WAHAHAHAH~!!

From left to right: Syazana, Me, Sin Ni & Tuti (yes, that toot chinese looking girl at that corner is tuti! one of the cleverest girl in school)

Yes. yes. I WAS THAT SIZE FOR MOST OF MY SEC SCHOOL YEARS! except sec 4. ok? haiyo! and yes pple, better believe it when each time my cousin talks about our outings in town at that time and she always tend to tell the whole world that I was constantly in baggy jeans and short tshirts or those oversized short tees. lol!

with that size, you can wear practically anything no? LOL!

but ya. i liked my size then! i wanna be that size again!

Say it pple say it. Dont think i cannot hear what your mind is thinking. "Go DIET NAD!!"\

*rolls eyes*

So my heart speaks...

I'm back at work after more than a week of absence. It feels weird and I'm really tired. There's some things that I need to buy and I have yet to go get it and I have no idea when i'm gonna do that seeing how my week is already packed.

I've already packed my bag and I am literally living out of the suitcase. Reminder to self: I need to buy one more.

Some of my heels are already transported there and I'm looking at the rest of my shoes and I'm wondering, should i? I'm living on a hill and when on earth am i going to run up and down in my heels? You pple yourself know how high my heels are. My shortest is 2.5 to 3 inches. bleargh~

Will I be able to withstand everything there?

Or will I make a move out of there into a whole new continent altogether?

I'm so scared of things. I just dont know what's going on. The unknown is driving me nuts more now then ever! I've been losing even more sleep then before and I cant help myself.

I worry too much. for myself and others.

Am I grateful to have you there with me? Yes I am. Am I scared at that fact? To tell you the truth, I am. Too many things have happened to us and to you with regard to us and me. I don't wanna jeopardize anything for you. I constantly question whether am I ever really worth it for you. Things are different now, is it really?

So yes. I am scared and afraid even though I wanna be selfish and smile. I've told myself countless times to not think about it. But I can't help it. I'm sorry if I care too much but you know me well enough. You know why.

That's the reason why I cant seem to type things out yesterday. So many things are still too fresh even though us have died sometime back. My heart still hurts as if its just yesterday.

There's too many love-hate relationships going on around me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know myself better, I know the other party better than anyone else here. I don't know whether I should please others or I should just please myself.

I've been making my own stand. I've been ignoring snide remarks but that doesn't mean I'm not sad hearing all that. People should know me better than that. I've always wondered how did things end up like that.

was it my fault?

Its sad. really. Nobody is unworthy. Nobody has the right to judge someone else to classify them. Don't tell me who I deserve and who deserves me. I'm no angel. No one has the right to judge that and no one has the right to say anything in that way.

So I know that its out of concern. I know that its been awhile already. But I know that I'm not over things. Will I ever be? I don't know. I'm great at hiding things and putting up a front. But you should know me better than that. really.

Just let me be. I know its hard for ya'll to see me like this. I've managed to control things from surfacing for awhile already.. or maybe.. not. I don't know.. but please... its my heart. I'm the one hurting / in love / confused / happy. I'm the one feeling it all, not you.

Financially, I wonder how mom is gonna survive here. I know she's going through alot. But I'm really sorry. I need to be away. I need to stay away. I'm afraid of certain things and this is one of it. I don't know how to face things. Is it really fair for me to change everyone's life for my dream?

I feel guilty about wanting to go away sometimes. Sometimes, I'm looking forward to it more then I should. It scares me really. Has life been all that unfair to me here? Its not... but you know...

Am I too independent for my own good?

I'm afraid of leaving things behind and yet I wonder of what's there. Makes sense?

I love my mom. That I know very well. I just hope she will be able to accept me going away. I just hope she knows that I will need to grow up one day soon and find my own path in life. I hope she won't think that I won't need her anymore.

When I thought that the tear ducts have run dry. I'm wrong. Again.

My friends. My best friends. they've seen me grow, they've seen me change, they've seen me through everything. How i'm afraid that this distance will change alot of things. Oh so afraid. How I'm afraid that time will pull us apart. How i'm afraid that we'll all change.

I'm afraid of being alone even though I don't admit it. I'm afraid of being left behind. I'm afraid of standing there waiting and no one will come along. I'm afraid that I might lose the things that I'm gonna leave behind.

What if 5 years go into forever?

I always thought that I have nothing left here. But I have more then I realised.

I hope everyone will be well. I know they will be. Why wouldn't they? =)

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I'm leaving on a jet plane...
Don't know when I'll be back again.

I'm watching my Korean Dramas,

But i'm crying for a whole different reason altogether.

I drove yesterday.

Around my neighbourhood. Love it love it love it!!!

LOL!

now i need to find another person who is willing and patient enough to teach me things.. =P

I'm back from Australia.

Its been 2 days. I'm flying off again. Soon.

If you ask me how was it? Did I love it there? Hate is a strong word. So maybe, more like.. on the fence.

I'm not looking forward to it and I have no idea how I'm gonna survive there. I just hope I can. I mean I know I can its just a matter of time.

People have asked me did i regret? Well, no. I did not. I'll give up anything for the need to get my degree. even if it means me shipping myself to a third world country. so ya.

thank god, that's not the case for this.

hahaha... but ya. you know wat i mean. I want it. I need it. More than anyone realise. Especially after everything.

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For months, I have always asked myself, what wrong have I done in my life to anyone for me to deserve whatever that has been happening.

Yesterday, I still ask myself the exact same thing.

I have yet to get the answer.

Even after constantly being out in the open, a perfect prey for any predator. To be ripped open and stabbed. Over and over again. My head still tells me to stay. And my heart willingly seconds it.

We've destroyed so much but we're still holding strong. Is it really worth it for you?

I'm reporting live from Australia.

Yes. I'm in Australia rite now.

First impression of Australia: oooook.

First impression of Brisbane: I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. I'll complain when i'm back. my batt is dying and my charger is around but my universal adapter does not have the plug they use. yippeeness.com

My mom saw brisbane and her first thought was to transfer me out of Australia by the end of the year. LOL!

First impression of Adelaide: Thank god the state has senses.

I can get use to it here. yes yes.

I had my Sec Sch Class Gathering yest nite.

The most interesting ever~ Me is waiting for photos! Actually to tell you the truth, i missed school sometimes despite the annoying teachers and backstabbing girls.

anywayz, there were obviously people who matters that exist. so ya. LOL!

one of it was my best friend has always been one of my closest friend. Sin Ni. Woman! you better meet me again soon!

Anywayz, friends (esp close ones) have things in common and this is one of it. I hope she wont kill me for cutting and pasting it on my blog from hers.

I saw some non-prescriptive glasses and I started to try them on to satisfy my childhood desire to wear glasses and look intellectual. I love geeky boys. They are so smart that they are so cute.

I think only deena won't understand the above! LOL~ see! even Sin Ni understands! That is btw one of the pulling factor in a guy for me... lol!

Number 4: I wanna get a boyfriend!

It took a while for me to decide the right verb for the subheading.
I wanna find a boyfriend! - Sounds tiring.
I wanna keep a boyfriend! - He is not a pet.

Blonde-ness lies deep within the clique~ WAHAHAH~! Well, at least. someone has admitted she is looking! so ya. I'm sure you'll find a really great guy. He better be great of he has alot of unhappy friends to face and fear. *cues lightning and thunder*

Koosmangat!

I down here mcm kueh pau or angku kueh! whichever it is. both also fat fat. Starchy starchy. Then. People like having fun annoying me kan?

OMG. i swear i am so bloated it is not funny. And pple have to stop calling me to ask me whether i have gained weight or not!

People so long never call. then call to ask me if i have gained weight or are they hallucinating. Babi keluak betol~!

Then when i say maybe i have i dunno. Coz I am definitely feeling the bloated-ness. I blame of the blocked nose that comes and goes since New Year.

You know what they ask me? How did that happen?

EH HALO! YOU ASKING ME HOW I GAIN WEIGHT?! Use your brain la. You tell me how pple gain weight? eat rite? bloody hell.

And have i been eatin excessively? Nope. actually i have not been eating much. No appetite also lor!

In the words of my grandmother (accent seems to change and totally reminds me of my great grandmother): "Koosmangat Dee~! Aper la kau buat nie! Mcm pau! pakai la bengkong!

She has resorted to asking me to wear a corset. sheesh.

OMG. I FEEL LIKE KILLING SOMEONE RITE NOW.

You're arrogant, childish and i was never interested! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A WASTE OF MY TIME. even though it was an acquaintance made under the weirdest of circumstances! THERE IS SUCH THING AS BEING POLITE OKAY?!

I'm a different kinda girl. People should know that by now.

Deena, last year, that night at MOS... remember? some things just wont leave me alone lor. cb.

so not worth it lor! MEN! bleargh~!

i'm annoyed. yes, VERY ANNOYED! Tengah sakit hati nie!

PLS LOR IF YOU THINK YOURE SO EFFING SORT AFTER THEN BY ALL MEANS LA! DONT NEED TO GET ME INVOLVED RITE?

My interests does not dwell itself on you just like how my feelings have always been for someone who matters. *gasp* You're not that someone!

You're like that speck of dust. Tiny, unimportant and has no impact on my life whatsoever!

AND I CANT BELIEVE I JUST WASTED AN ENTIRE BLOG ENTRY ON THIS. Sheesh. too bad everyone is asleep. or else.. i would have called to complain!