34 years and 21 days.

 life.

 Was clearing out the stuff from the cupboards and found an all stash of letters, notes, lyrics, poems, whatevers. 

I honestly can't remember what this was for, but i reckon it was for a Science project? or probably Health Education or maybe a yellow ribbon project. 

This was rewritten from Mambo No. 5. I never realised I was that creative too.

Ladies & Gentlemen

We present to you

'Coming Out Of The Tunnel'

One, Two, Three, Four, Five

Everybody in the class, so listen up

To the new we gonna bring to you.

I must tell you that the drugs ain't cool.

Like Heroin, Ecstasy, Ice & Grass 

If you eat too much, your brain will rust.

So here we go.

A little bit of Heroin 

is bad for you!

A little bit of ecstasy 

will kill you too!

A little bit of Ganja

make's a fool

A little bit of Ice 

it ain't no groove.

Jump up and down

and shake it all around

To the left is death

To the right is life.

So choose the path 

and makes it all riht

So you won't regret

till the end of your life.

Chorus.

The End.

----------------------------------------------------------

NO IDEA WHAT 13 OR 14 YEAR OLD ME WERE DOING FOR THIS RENDITION OF MAMBO NO. 5 TO BE WRITTEN!

Looking Back

Looking back to 8 years ago.... WHEW!  I mean... 8 years. C’mon! Even the front digit of my age has changed since I last blogged on one of my platforms. Lol!

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED! my goodness. I have even went in and out of a relationship.

was scrolling through the entries. I know I wasn’t always blogging here but I’m jealous of my younger self to be honest. There are times where I truly believe my younger self, would be disappointed in me, the me at the moment. Or rather, the me that has struggled the last 2 years.

My younger self seemed to be fearless and relentless about everything. it was just 8 years ago. 8 years is not a really long time, but 8 years ago I fought to be where I was. I fought unapologetically. I fought even when I was unsure.

8 years later, I’m picking up the pieces of myself that was strewn everywhere when I allowed myself to spiral out of control in just 2 years. It was my fault really. I allowed myself to succumb to such depths within myself, allowed helplessness to swallow my thoughts, allowed loneliness to overcome my being, struggled to let my voice be heard, allowed a culture that I have forgotten to shock me through my being and render me speechless.

2020 has been a whole situation on its own. To be honest, let’s sit back and give it a round of applause at the sheer impact it has on all our lives and how in a mere 9 months, so many things have happened and so fast at that. 

But 2020 was also the year that I told myself, enough is enough. Its time to take back my life. One bit at a time. Trust the process and the journey that life has put you on.

10.10.2020

Its October again! And don't you think whoever that's born today has one kind of an epic birthdate?!

I mean... 10.10.2020 ya'll!

October is here again. And life still continues as usual. 

The Elephant in the room that everyone gingerly steps around...

What's going on with the world today? US especially. First with the pandemic, now with race wars.

I do not understand how people do not see that racism occurs on a subconscious level. 🤯 I really do not know what is so hard to understand about that.

Stop telling people to move on or get over it coz it is just how it is. The fact that people just brush it off as it is what it is as though it's something normal is not ok.

These "they should know their place" or "of course they're/he/she is that way... They're (insert race) what do you expect?" Mindsets are not ok. It is not ok to normalise someone based on their race and overlook the person behind all of that. This, unfortunately, is not exclusive to the US. It is relevant in every society.

I have called out racism my whole life. Whether it was directed toward me or someone within my vicinity. Someone like me (a minority) would have gotten multiple degrees under their belt, acknowledged by the community as leaders, given back without expecting anything, and received awards of various magnitude and it will still not be enough for someone within the majority of their country to accept them as who they are instead and overlook their background.

It is the reality of many minorities who have worked their entire life to quash stereotypes and still have to battle to prove themselves. Sometimes it does feel that with every 2 step forward, we're taking 1 step back.

Baby steps. Baby steps are not enough without the majority community recognising the issue at hand.  Withput them acknowledging the problem, change can't be affected. Coz if the majority do not see it as a problem then how could minorities push forth their voice?

I really do get upset about people belittling the little guys. I get (unfortunately for the other idiot) extremely passionate about telling them off.

More often than not, I do not care what happens to me as long as the person on the receiving end of discrimination receives the apology or justice they deserve.

Maybe it's a job hazard. But tbh, I think it's because of how I am that I chose a certain career. out of passion.

It is not ok for minorities to conclude and accept situations that are discriminatory exclusive to their community as a way of life.

If you have never needed to try very hard to be something more than you are, then you come from privilege. There's nothing wrong with coming from privilege... Just don't stay within your own little bubble and assume that the rest of the world is as sheltered as you are.

Wake up. Look around. Open your eyes to the realities that are within your communities... Speak up when you see injustice. Do the right thing even if your voice shakes when you speak.

If you are unable to support your peers or your neighbours, then who willl? If you are unable to realise that your silence in the face of injustice validates those who are discriminatory towards minorities, then it's time to re-evaluate certain things in your life.

Racism is a very real thing. Coz it's the easiest form of discrimination is it not?

Coz race is a visual. You really don't have to work very hard to discover that an individual is different from you, you just have to look at them. Let's be honest, when you look at something- be it an object or a fellow human, comments are formed in your head, positive or otherwise. "Whoa her hair so bouncy!" "Oh dear, what's with the outfit". "Why do they create something so impractical?". "Omg. That thing should never see the light of day".

These are conversations you have with yourself. Musings in your own head.

But please, refrain yourself from making conclusions and stereotyping a person just by looking. Generalising a person based on your biased views of a specific race is as shallow as you looking at an innate object going "oooo shiny!". But the difference is one is an innate object, the other is a complex individual. Allow your thoughts to see the individual for who they are instead of the colour of their skin.

It is honestly very tiring, saddening and frustrating for someone to have worked very hard to achieve remarkable things but for these individuals to be brushed off solely based on the colour of their skin.

For them to climb mountains just to get to a really simple destination. For them to push through thorns just to be heard. For them to go through an obstacle course just to get a simple job or a tiny promotion. It is not even for something big and life changing, it is a simple day to day reality for some. But its a tiring reality. No one's asking for pity.

Put yourself in the shoes of others once in awhile. That's how you learn empathy. Not by telling them "to get used to it" or "get over it" already. 

Honestly, it's the minorities that should be telling you that. "Yes, we look different, have a different skin tone.. so why don't you get over it already? Coz we're so much more than our skin colour".

Ugh.

Of course, I have been privileged with my social circle where I am often the token minority in my clique (both in Sg & Aust). my social surrounding has been very vocal about shutting down racist remarks and have been very respectful of my racial and religious identity. But many are not lucky enough to have such friends on their side.

Outside of my safe circle, it is also a very different reality. Of course, i do not discard the fact that this vary from country to country, and community to community. I mean, I have seen the kindness and acceptance of absolute strangers ❤️ and the warm welcoming from others 🤗. I acknowledge that fully and appreciate it wholeheartedly. But it's really not about me, it's about racism against minority as a whole.

When it's good... it's great.

But on most days...

It is no doubt disheartening to see racism prevails under the veil of multiracial cohesiveness and the minorities are the second class citizens in a country they call home.

People wonder why did it escalate to this point over on the other side of the world.

That's because when you push a person to a point where they've had enough. Where they take a stand coz they're done with all the bullshit their whole lives. This happens. We're all humans at the end of the day. There's only so much a person can take. Especially if they have to deal with it their whole lives, for generations and they've prayed everyday that their children and the future generation would live in a kinder world.

Coz when enough is enough...

Enough Is Enough.

#SpeakOutEvenWhenYourVoiceShakes #Racism

Twenty - Twenty, What A Time To Be Alive.

Earth is healing in its own mystical ways and in so many ways, I am grateful for it. The year started as a pandemic swept the face of the Earth. Affecting everyone regardless of race, language, religions, nationality and social class.

Covid-19 made everyone equal as it swept through.

In the midst of panic, it became a reminder that at the end of the day we are all inferior to the almighty. That no matter what your riches are, when it matters, it doesn't always mean a thing.

That's a reminder to all those out there who used their status to belittle everyone in their surrounding. This moment, it's a perfect reminder.

When the world shuts down.

It's been approximately 2 weeks of the circuit breaker here in SG.

What a time to be living in.. honestly. The world is so unpredictable, so violent, so unreasonable.

A test of every government's priority.

And the stupidity of people. Sometimes I wonder why as they receive better education, better social standing that their perception and views on the world and it's situations become narrower and more biased.

What's the point then? To gain all the exposure, all your certificates if you can't make an educated decision when it actually mattered.

Funny isn't it?

All these keyboard warriors who never take ownership of their own personal principles but appear each time there's a crisis. But not a the fore front, but in the background, hidden in a backroom of an unknown premises typing away like stilettos on hard floors in peak hours.

Click clacking with words and comments that does not have the foresight, that has never been beneficial to anyone and ironically, unhelpful to any situation.

So done.

Latest announcement being, Circuit Break extended another 4 weeks.

Astaghfirullah.

We'll be fine. It's ok. I'll figure something out.

Garfield has nothing on me!

Made Lasagna!!! it's been a long time since i made lasagna... a couple of years i reckon? I rarely cook back home but when I do, it is like Adelaide all over again.

I miss it. The freedom of choice. lol

This is the Lasagna Recipe I used. I tweaked it alittle to suit the environment.. so here are my tweaks!

But first of all, this is for all of you who have never attempted cooking pasta before.. hehehe.. I GOT YOU!

Here's Dee's Cooking Escapades - Singapore Edition!

Cooking Pasta

If you’ve never cooked any successful pasta in your life prior to this and you hate pasta coz it’s tasteless, Fret not! I’m pretty sure this is the reason why. It’s because you did not add salt to your water while boiling it. If you did, I am pretty sure it is not enough. Therefore;

BOIL YOUR PASTA IN WATER AS SALTY AS THE OCEAN! Send it to its final holiday before devouring it all up.

For the purposes of lasagna sheet, put a little olive oil in it too or else the sheets will stick to each other while cooking.


Tip #1
Treat Lasagne as pasta, so the fillings, just add whatever you like or would normally add in pasta. Coz, let’s face it; pasta is basically European’s Nasi Goreng.


Tip #2
Coz we’re all halal sisturs in here and it is not easy to get your hands on wine for cooking coz expensive in SG and also lasagna is comfort food not fine dining LOL, substitute red wine / white wine with sparkling grape juice.

** For the purposes of Covid-19; Grapetiser is out of stock. Sainsbury is a good alternative. Also Sainsbury is more grapey while Grapetiser is a little sweet = adjust your sugar accordingly depending on what brand you’re using. Also a great excuse to enjoy some sparkling juice while cooking. 

** For the purposes of this recipe, it calls for red wine / white wine vinegar which means it’s more sour than your average grape juice. 

So I’ve added 1 cup of sparkling grape juice into my sauce and 1 teaspoon of apple cider (or vinegar is ok too). Cider/vinegar is optional; really depends on how tangy you want it to be.

My mother complained that it was sour but I was ok with it. Then again, my mother is not a huge fan of tangy in general. So if you’re like my mother, add ½ cup of sparkling grape juice and add on as you deem fit.


Tip #3
Step 2: Browning the beef.

The recipe never ask to brown the beef with garlic. But I did. Fry garlic till fragrant and brown beef but not till fully cooked.

My logic for the garlic is this; we do not have cows of our own roaming around which also means that our meat here is not as fresh as those in Australia, New Zealand and other countries with cows roaming around freely. Therefore, the smell and beef taste needs to be aided; therefore GARLIC. BUT ANYWAYS. 

Recipe said until brown on all sides. I didn't do this coz... BEAR IN MIND will be cooked again in oven. So half brown half pink would suffice, at this point there would already be juices in here.


Tip #4
Recipe states to drain the beef but leave 1 tablespoon of fat. As I have found out to my horror while cooking, in Singapore, as the beef cooks it releases more water instead of fat - AGAIN, NO COWS ROAMING AROUND HERE. So in this case, scoop out everything out of your pan, beef + beef juice + beef fat. BUT do not wash pan.


Tip #5
Step 3: Return the browned ground beef to the pan.

I did not do this. Coz, I didn’t wanna overcook the beef. So here’s what you do instead.

Fry bell pepper, red onions and garlic as instructed only with olive oil instead of beef fats. They want the beef taste to be infused into the sauce. Once onion is translucent, pour just the beef juice/water from your lonely beef sitting in the bowl into the pan.

Next, add your canned diced tomato and fresh diced tomatoes. Stir and let it simmer. Cook it till your fresh diced tomatoes has wilted and melted into the sauce and the sauce has thickened. At this point, add your sparkling grape juice.

** For the purposes of Covid-19, ricotta cheese is out of stock everywhere and cooking cream is also out of stock in most places. adding ricotta later on while layering is actually for the beschamel sauce effect. But many is also not a fan of this coz this is what makes lasagna jelak. But coz I’m awesome, here’s the alternative! LOLOLOL!

If you have cooking cream then add about 2-3 table spoons of it, if you have milk instead add about 3-4 table spoons into the sauce. And cook it till it simmers. Add in all the spices inclusive chilli flakes / crushed chillies (coz ASIAN = NEED SPICY) and let it simmer again.

Also since I did not use that much beef as per the recipe, the next thing I added is mushrooms coz meat alternative and also I love mushrooms and since I’m chef, nobody can say anything. LOL.

There were LOTS OF MUSHROOMS. But if you are adding in other vegetables, ie: spinach, cook it till it wilts. Also, if you are using spinach, kindly cook the sauce till it is ¾ dry before adding in the spinach coz spinach has water on its own and it will make the sauce watery again.

Once, that has happened then add your beef and simmer it till it has minimal water. Season it with sugar and salt and everything nice. Salt: as per recipe’s instructions coz parmesan cheese is salty after all. Follow everything else the recipe says.


THE END. K Bye!

Memories. So many memories that she can't seem to erase from her minds. When and how did she gained so many of them she wondered. They're coming around so often these days that she sees them each time she closes her eyes. Odd.

She thought it would ease by now. "Why are you so different?" She searches her mind but nothing came close to an answer.

She has never allowed anyone to break through the walls and reach within. Never allowed to be this way for anyone and yet, here she is, struggling. She'll get over this. No one has to know. No one. Her thoughts and feelings are hers and hers alone.  As she penned it all down, she told herself... No one will control this apart from her. No. One. 

The memories are hers and hers alone and no one will be able to dictate what is written, what is revealed, what is shown. This is her space.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It's the only thing makes us feel alive

It is true that the love one will have for another individual reminds you of how great god is. Reminding you constantly the vulnerability of being human. The hurt. The love. The yearnings. The crack within. The smiles. The softness. The reminder that: No matter how high a wall you've built, stoic and unfeeling, when the right person comes along... you'll take that leap of faith.

A leap that will have collateral damage to the wall you've built. Cracks will start appearing and then one day, a key appears. Bright and shiny. Small and glittery. Floating just beyond your reach as it moves towards him. One day, it drops... into the palm of his hand.

Just like that, the years disappeared as she found herself in a whole new territory. Fear. Terrified of bringing the walls down. Despite it all, she took the second leap of faith.

Coz in his eyes, she saw everything she wanted and within that she found courage to reach out. He provided that... courage. Comfort. Solace.

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time forever's frozen still

A picture perfect photograph as a memory stored away in the corners of her mind. So many things have happened since, and yet, that picture perfect photograph of a memory remianed the same. Unchanged by time. Untouched by moments. Each beautifully captured and stored. Almost real. As though she could feel them just by reach her hand out.

so you can keep me 
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.

Love she has in abundance; especially from her family. She never lacked of it, despite their differences sometimes. but that's just family, you know? Despite constantly being surrounded, she likes her space. her time. her boundaries. Caught up in her own thoughts most of the time, she struggles internally to make sure that everyone is taken care of. She tries to ensure that challenges will be faced and won. But she wanted her person. Her person that will have her back. Her person that will be by her corner. Her person that is her own personal sun. Her person that will be there when she turns to reach out her hand, it'll be accepted. A person that is her home and she... his.

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul. 
And it's the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it's the only thing we can take with us when we die

It is true that love can heal. As she looks around; the support she's had, the love she's received... in abundance. How can she deny that love won't be able to mend her soul? She's healing everyday despite the scars that is slowly forming from the wound. It is visible, but she trust that it will fade one day. She won't be the same. Every experience a lesson. It'll mould you, your perspective, personal principles and embrace all of you to be a better version of you.

Hm, we keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

But she knows... she'll be better as the days passes. As memory floats in and out in her consciousness...

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me
That's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go
Wait for me to come home. 
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come Home

She also knows... that, with god's will, one day some one will find her. That someone will love all of her and her flaws and tell her:-

Oh, if you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth Street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
"Wait for me to come home."

And she'll reply with a little smile on her lips... "yes love, I'll see you soon." She'll hear the click on the other end of the phone. She'll put it aside, stands up with a little bounce in her step, her heart fluttering as she waits for the familiarity of his presence to be by her side again.

Yup. One day.

Till then, she'll heal for the better.

Patience is a virtue... But it doesn't come easy.

When you look out the window today, its a pink blue and yellow kinda sunset here in Singapore. Hues of purples covers the sky as the sun slowly sets over this island.

Its been a tough week. But what can I say, I want a life worth living rite? If its even possible

This blank page can't seem to be filled while this heart is full and these thoughts are spilling.

However, nothing seemed to be penned down. Can't seem to focus, can't seem to draw my mind away from something and let these thoughts out.

All that's playing on repeat on this mind is this emptiness from within my heart and my thoughts are not hiding the truth. Its telling me why and that its missing you.

It hasn't stopped saying that.

"I thought we had a good thing going." 

I wonder if that was all just words. That was all of it and nothing more. Coz I thought we had a good thing going too. Will a day arrive where you realise this? 

How can you leave me just like this? How can you do that after all those promises? How could you just walk away and left me behind realising my biggest fears? Am I not worth it for you? Am I not enough? Am I just someone you could force love out of and toss away when you don't feel like it anymore?

So many questions. So many thoughts. So many doubts. So many faults I could find within myself that resulted to this. So many of this. Then again... it is only natural for me to feel this way.

But, It is what it is. i can't control my feelings. I have the right to feel what I feel. And I will hold on to the strength within me till all these doubts subside.

I will be fine. yup.

Whisperings of the heart

"I miss you."

It whispers softly in this silent night. Whispering through her being that it kept her awake as a tear unconsciously drop from her eyes.

This night more than the other nights. It misses you. It misses you so much that a sharp pang pierced through its wall. So painful, so real and she told her heart to stop. But her heart wouldn't listen. For tonight, her brain wouldn't either.

She forced herself to bed, but as she closed her eyes, images of him so vivid appeared before her. As though he was there.

She could practically hear his voice in her ear. She could even feel the warmth of his hands and the strength of his hugs. She could even hear the beatings of his heart.

On her lids, images of him replaying like a movie reel. His smile. The twinkle in his eyes as he plans to disturb her. And that same twinkle with a slight variation as they converse and he was about to burst into a huge laugh.

Those eyes. The kindness reflected within it always swept her away and into those deep brown pools.

The way his lashes flutter as he reached out for her in his sleep and that smile when his hand found hers as he fell further into slumber.

She stared at him as he slept. That image embedded in her mind as she traces his every feature with her finger memorising each curve, each wrinkle, each contour, each muscle and feel of his warm cheeks against her fingers. The feel of his whiskers between her fingers.

That same image replaying each time she closes her eyes. Oh this heart. This brain. This memory.

"Is this what love really is?"

She wondered to herself as the clock ticks further into the night. It's quarter to 4 in the morning now.

She needs the sleep. But now as she closes her eyes, all she could see is him. Staring at her as she rests. His eyes taking in and remembering everything about her. His fingers playing with her hair. And he whispered...

"I will never forget this. This, you beside me. Like this. This is perfect. It's what i want, always, with you."

His words as if just yesterday appeared in her ear. And she covered her ears.

"No. This is not real. None of this is real. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. Stop it. Stop. None of this is real."

She whispered to herself, telling her brain to grasp what is reality. Summoning her rational mind.

"Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over matter."

She stared into darkness. Her heart taking over her rational mind.

It's not letting go tonight, it seems.

"Come back to me!"

This heart never stops pleading in silent. She turns away and grab her pillows as she forces herself to bed.

Show me...

Have you ever wondered if anyone sees or notices anything?

On days where you appear to look just fine but your heart is quivering as it tries to hold on to all the pieces. Some of which are still missing and you're still trying to locate them. 

But this appearance you put on... As if nothing could bring you down. As if you're this fearless being that could take over the world. 

But when no one's looking, your eyes waver alittle. This shield you put up gets a little low on power.

You're holding on to what little resolve you have left and you wait. 

You wait for the day that this wouldn't feel so real anymore. You wait for the day that you find all the pieces and you officially close it off from anyone else. 

Letters to Juliet

I watched 'Letters to Juliet' today. Not gonna lie, it's one of my ultimate favourite romantic comedy movies.

Can't even remember how many times I've watched that movie since it aired. But tonight, my fingers unconsciously typed out those letters on Netflix and I watched it. Again. After all that time.

Wanna know what's my favourite scene? When the audience finally found out what was written in the letter to Claire from the Secretaries of Juliet.

 Dear Claire, 

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. 

All my love, Juliet


That whole letter is so relatable in any situation isn't it? What if. The two words that either holds back an individual or makes you fill with regret. 

And finding a love like Juliet's - love to cross oceans for. This. As I stared blankly into the screen, the lines resonated with me. Is it real? This act of courage and love? I ask myself as the scene unfolds further. Love to cross oceans for. Something so uncharacteristic to do and yet. 

Let me take a look at the last couple of months.

Maybe it did make a person curious if I was available (relationship-wise)... There have been pockets of sadness, euphoria, smitten-ness and everything that comes along with it.

But this thing about love... You cross oceans for it. This thing called love... You're clueless, unsure and yet... Jump!

Today is 9th March. Its been about a week since i last typed in this entry (i.e: the 2 paragraphs above.)

A week ago, i felt my world collapsed. This view where my future was nothing but a void of emptiness in all aspects was prevailing throughout my mind spreading to all the other senses of mine. And there I was, still and silent as numbness sneaked out of my heart and it spreads across my entire being.

"I've given you my heart", he said as darkness fell across the sky and all that gave light in my room was the illumination of my phone. "I didn't know when it happened, but i realised that my heart is no longer with me... its with you now. I may appear big and strong but my heart isn't, so take care of it", he continued. Silence ensued as I stared at the text over and over again as I felt my heart swell with this feeling of love and euphoria that was all new to me. I've never felt this ever before. "well, in case you didn't know, I've given you mine too. A long time ago. It needs tender loving care, it is flawed and broken and I've taken it out from a safe place for you. Protect it ok? Its fragile and I pretend to be strong but I am not. But you're my safe place. Don't break it... I don't think my heart will be able to survive that." And with that we knew this thing we have, its breaking all barriers and everything the both of us ever knew about love.

Let me take you back to probably a year ago. This fear I have from stepping into something new. This fear I have from opening up to someone else. This fear that someone is gonna leave me is something I can't seem to let go. That's the reason why that I have always been someone who has given everything to those I care about and not expect anything in return. It is solely to eliminate any form of disappointment that may result from it. I have always been the one standing there witnessing the retreating backs of everyone i ever cared about and all I could do was stare helplessly as they all walked away.

"I love you so much. Even though you're not here and near me, you're always in my heart and my mind all the time." Each text that appears each night is a variation... a confession of love of some sort. A reminder to the other about the other's importance to them. What started as just a simple "I love you too" from me gradually progressed to "I love you too... Always and forever. Don't ever forget that". 

I have since managed to collect pieces of my thoughts. The sincerity of his love. The loyalty I crave, he provided. And above all that? All of my weaknesses are his strengths and he is the missing puzzle piece that I have been searching all this while. I wished that I could fight for this. Salvage it somehow. Start over. Getting to know each other all over again.

Bare. Unprotected. Unmasked.

But he has made up his mind and i will respect that. So I will leave it up to God to give me the strength I need for this. If it was meant to be, it will be meant for me.

"I didn't know it was possible", we both confessed, "to miss someone this much, until you."

As the thought process slowly returned and the numbness dissipating from my heart. I am feeling this huge emptiness. The hole in my heart. The void that I can't seem to shake off. This lost is overwhelming my senses. When you're in a long distance relationship... You will always have this feeling of missing someone. You never knew you were able to miss someone that much.

"I don't think we can be together anymore" and the silence that follows. A silence so loud and deafening that I could not block the sound out. A single slice so sharp, it broke me.

It takes 2 hands to clap in every situation. I may have contributed to this and I don't know how to make things right.

And suddenly, you realise this feeling of looking forward to see someone is never gonna be full-filled. Like a thirst that can't be quenched.

"Oh, be still my heart. Be still. We'll be Ok."

But above it all and non-relating to this, my friends. They're my angels from God.

Dining In The Dark...

This month, I managed to get around to going to alot of places I've been curious too. The most recent was 2 days ago.

Sunday, 24th February, I met Mel for his belated birthday dinner. One of the things that stood out from the very beginning was this: 

It honestly brings great joy to my life to annoy my friends in such a way. I.e: Making them carry a balloon bouquet everywhere. 

Honestly, being an event stylist and having access to a list of vendors, this random balloon was made available much easier than most would think. LOL. If anyone in AMK looking for a nice realiable and really pretty balloons, MistyDaydreamSG would be the most easily accessible for you guys. They have a ton of combination or you could ask me to come up with a combination for you. But, my services comes at fee of course. Depending on how nice you are, I would give a discount. LOL

But this is not about me right now.

This entry is mainly about the place that I have been reading about that exists in the US and to cut the story short, I have been curious about this for a very very very very very very long time.

So what better opportunity than to do it during Mel's birthday right?

Therefore, I made a reservation at:

*Drum rolls*

NOX - Dine in The Dark

Guess what was the most pleasant surprise out of this whole experience? That my waiter is blind. Maybe all of you are all well aware of it and maybe I have been ignorant about that fact since I thought that they were gonna function like the ones in US where they have some sort of night vision goggles (just shows how long have I been away from this country that I'm really not that updated with its ongoings, i'm pretty sure it was all the hype when they first opened).

But nevertheless, I was still pleasantly surprise. My waiter, Bernard, was the most efficient, funny, and reassuring waiter i've ever met! He was truly a delight to converse with!

I remembered thinking that what a new door of opportunities such a concept opens to those with sight impairment. They're even able to be part of the food and beverage industry if more dining areas are able to come up with a creative concept that is able to integrate disabilities into a career.

So how it works is that, they're obviously a reservation only restaurant. Therefore, when you make your reservations, you would also inform them of your dietary requirements. You will be served a 3 course set meal for dinner and each course contains 4 different items plated in separate bowls for easy eating in the dark.

When you first arrived, you'll be ushered into their lounge area downstairs where the bar is. You could have your cocktails/mocktails/wines while waiting to be seated. You'd also have to lock all your belongings and anything reflective in the locker provided. When you're ready to head for dinner (the dining area is upstairs), your personal waiter will come down to greet you by the stairs and guide you up into the darkness.

Given the setting of the experience, we obviously do not have any foodporn pics! lolol

However, we definitely had a good time. 

Everyone at NOX was so friendly and inevitably gave the restaurant such a great vibe. I wouldn't say that their food was extraordinarily great, but the whole experience was so pleasant that the food was somewhat forgiven.

For those of you who have not tried NOX before and have always been curious, I would say... go for it! It was definitely worth it to experience something like that at least once in your life. 

Priced at about 78/88++, I would say it is not exorbitantly expensive to the point where it is not affordable. I think its a good price for a special occasion if you're thinking of something different to do.

The experience is a 5 out of 5!

Happy trying ya'll! let me know what you guys think of it!

p.s: I also realised that sighted individuals tend to start whispering the moment they put in a dark place. 

I wished that I could scream at someone. I honestly wished that I could. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing all these things to assist people out of their predicaments. Out of their situations and always trying to make things better for them. But honestly, people aren't always returning the sentiments. It is honestly pissing me off. 

Why am I always the one being put in a situation where i'm constantly having to clean up anyone's mess?

Honestly.

I'm so pissed. 

But i'll meditate and seek guidance from god and hope for the best.

Its 2019... WHAT?

1st January 2019.

I hope this year will be filled for so many new opportunities for me. Both career and business wise. I really do hope so.

2018 has been a year filled with challenges and all things different.

2018 was a year of adjustment and fighting with society's expectations.

2018 was a year trying to break stigma.

2018 was the first year in 10 years that i have someone constantly holding my hand aside from my mom.

2018 was the the year I experienced love again.

2018 was also the year my heart felt a great loss.

2018 was the year of healing.

2018 was the year that the challenges seemed more prominent than the blessings.

In reality, 2018, was a great blessing in disguise.

Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, like any other story ever told, there was a girl. She got married at such a young age. Her husband was a loving man. Kind, patient, soft spoken and with all the love for her shining from his eyes. He sail the seas and travels the world, welcoming adventures and experiences one only hears in stories. To his family, it was his story. 

But this particular story is not about him. It is about that girl.

When he sailed the seas, she stayed on land. When they moved to a new land, she left everything that was familiar to her and set up a place she called home. She started a family and raised her children while her husband left for the seas to support the family. What an extraordinary courage.

I took the supermarket flowers from the windowsill
I threw the day-old tea from the cup
Packed up the photo album Matthew had made
Memories of a life that's been loved

Who would have thought that such courage were to be passed down from Mother to Daughter and all the daugthers after them. As the generations passed, this courage grew ever so dominant. It was because of this girl who left everything and with nothing but the love given to her and the love she gave to those around her made everything.

One day, she lost the man she loved the most. Not too long after, she lost the son she hold most dear. She fell in despair. Her daughters held her together. She was not the most affectionate woman. The ways of the Matriarch, I once called it. She was firm, stern, relentless and utterly protective of her family in her own little ways.

Took the "Get Well Soon" cards and stuffed animals
 Poured the old ginger beer down the sink
 Dad always told me, "Don't you cry when you're down."
 But, mum, there's a tear every time that I blink

Life flew by as her daughters got married and had children of their own. Granddaughters and a grandson filled her life. One of them lived with her. Oh the life they had. The adventures and memories they've created.


like every memory, it has both good and bad. she was no exception to that. She witnessed the failed marriage of her daughter and the sadness she felt was non-comparable to any. That also strained her relationship with her granddaughter.

"Oh, I'm in pieces. It's tearing me up but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved"

As everyone led their own lives, so did her grand daughter. As she went through her educational journey and one day left the family home. Venturing into the world, discovering what life has to offer. 

8 long years she lived on her on. 8 years was neither long nor short. But it was enough to age an old soul. She grew frail. And on the 8th year, she called her grand daughter home. To stay by her side with the family. Her grand daughter, returned.

"So, I'll sing Hallelujah,
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go
And when God takes you back
He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home.""

8-9months she stayed by her side and her grand daughter witness her age each day. As she told the stories of a life she once had, she laughed without any worry in the world. As she told of the love she once had, she smiled wistfully with a sense of longing in her eyes. She argued as fiestily as she once had when her hair was the shade of the night turning to dawn. Her grand daughter entertained, argued, laughed, cried, and loved along with her. That grand daughter... was me. The same grand daughter that left 8years ago. the same grand daughter whose relationship with her little old grand mother was sort of broken.

"I fluffed the pillows, made the beds, stacked the chairs up
Folded your nightgowns neatly in a case
John said he'd drive, then put his hand on my cheek
And wiped a tear from the side of my face"

It was Ramadhan in the year of 2018. Ramadhan, the holiest month of the muslim calendar. We all did our fast and so did she despite how frail she was getting. She talked about how she can't wait for the morning of Eid. Everyday she talked about Eid, looking forward to meet my cousins and the rest of the family.

Somehow, i knew, deep within, it was gonna be the last Eid that she'd be with us.

"And I hope that I see the world as you did 'cause I know
A life with love is a life that's been lived"

Eid came. She ate with vigor, with the laughter that she always had and the smile as she welcomed the family into her room. 2 weeks passed. she refused to eat and refused to drink anything. She deteriorated further before my eyes. Then one night, mom called me into the room and announced that she thinks my grandmother is having fever. I called the doctor to come over and after a diagnosis, i called the ambulance. Everything after that was sort of a blur.

"So, I'll sing Hallelujah,
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
When I fell down you'd be there holding me up
Spread your wings as you go, when God takes you back
He'll say, "Hallelujah, you're home.""

3 days passed. on the third day, it was a cloudy day. the sky drizzled its rain unto the earth as if knowing what was to come. I spoke to the doctor as I was listed as the emergency contact. She wasn't going to survive that day she said. I nodded and took a seat at the hospital's waiting area to compose myself. My grandmother that i've known to be this strong woman was dying today. I knew this day was coming, but i facing it was another thing altogether. 

Friday, 29th June 2018. My grandmother left us to return to her creator. And with a heavy heart, we held on to our faith and bid her farewell with prayers to guide her to hereafter on that holy Friday. 

She was at peace when she left. With a tiny smile carved on her face as she closed her eyes for the final time that morning and i hear the constant beep that indicated she left us. I held on to the phone while i was on the line with my other relatives and I leaned against a wall. Took a deep breath as a tear trickled down by face, composed myself and took to the phones to inform all those who matter that my grandmother has left us.

As i signed every document in a haze, as I witness my mother and her sisters cry, as i made the funeral arrangements and with every heart breaking phone call that i had to make... I sat in a corner taking a deep breath after each one. never allowing myself to cry while other people need me.

"Hallelujah,
You were an angel in the shape of my mum
You got to see the person I have become
Spread your wings and I know
That when God took you back, he said, "Hallelujah, you're home.""

Its been more that a 100 days since she left us now. But I have not set foot in her room since. I did not even realise that the night the doctor came was the last time I was ever in that room until the other day when i was thinking about it.

 But yeah. 

Jamilah Bt Kabil
1936 - 2018

My grandmother. What a life she must have had. 

Its been close to 3 months since i've returned. My life has changed but at the same time it is pretty much the same. It is mostly aimless routine going around as boredom takes over me. What am i doing really? I'm comfortable here but at the same time i'm unfamiliar. It is an odd feeling that's constantly swirling about inside. 

I don't know when life will change again. Do I miss it? Yes, i do. But its hard isn't it to admit it out loud without sounding like an ungrateful lil shit... I don't want my family to think that I prefer living out there over being at home. But I don't know... Oh well. 

Do I miss a whole other life that I used to have? yes. Do I miss the people there? Yes. Everytime you think you're gonna be fine... you're really not. You're hiding a huge part of yourself coz you feel bad admitting it out loud. 

There was an unexpected turn of events from the individual from there and i find myself surprised and somewhat intrigued. At the same time, i also find myself wondering about it and thinking about it. but it is what it is for now and all i'm doing is enjoying the texts.