Winter is coming...

Post conference. Post Exams. Post Elections.

Conference was a blast. Honestly, 12months ago, I never would have thought that I will be attending CISA Conference again. My stint on Student Council was over and I had nothing related to students in general related to me. 

No doubt I hold various other executive positions but who am I really to be sponsored to attend the conference. But hey, I got elected through a by election about 2 and half months ago as their National Equity Officer... and fast forward... here I am today.

Conference happened 3 days after I finished my exams (to the panic of my assistant - she was getting anxious with worry and not known to me then, she was having sleepless nights). I was the social events coordinator for this year's conference. LOL. Never saw that coming! It wasn't ideal but it was something we all had to deal with, especially with it being in Adelaide. A rollercoaster ride both emotionally and mentally. I will always be grateful for Rachel, who was appointed as my Executive Assistant about 4 weeks before the conference. 

With the sleepless nights from conference planning, executive duties, and studying for exams; I was no doubt ready to pull my hair out. All I could think about during exams were international students and floor plans and things I  need to remind my assistant about. 

But the brain is a wonderful thing. Masya Allah. God's greatest creation is the human brain. I don't know how I managed to sit through an exam, write a paper that has no relation whatsoever with social events, psychology, international students, sponsors and stakeholders. I sat through a law exam distracted with so many things flowing around my head. 

I got my results a couple of days back. To my absolute surprise, I cleared the subjects that I didn't think I would clear and even did way better than I expected in some of them. O God, thank you for bestowing me with one of your greatest creation. Thank you for making me from the genetic pool of people with above average intelligence. Thank you. 

While I may not have the grades of some student leaders with HDs and DNs, I am still grateful of my grades despite my busy schedule running around with student involvement. It would have been picture perfect tho, wouldn't you think? With an impressive result slip, student involvement, the works. But I know myself, its not that I'm incapable of that, I am just lazy. Plain and simple. I go the distance for others but more often than not, I do not do the same for myself. 

The next semester is the beginning of my final year. FINAL YEAR. soon it will be graduation again and what the future has in store for me? I do not know. Its going to be an interesting year as I have aimed to score much better to push my GPA and at the same time I have been re-elected as the National Equity Officer 2014/2015 and there's lots coming this way.

I thank god for every single thing that has come my way. The good, the bad, the regrets. Life lessons. Life sometimes teaches you the hardest lessons at the most unsuspecting times. But that's just how God works; subtle ways.

Intimidating is not an insult, or is it?

I have always known that I am independent, at times intimidating and very stubborn. It comes from the years of drilling myself to strive for the better, to do nothing but the best and do not settle for anything less.

Someone shouldn't tell me that for my own sake and for the sake of my future husband and marriage, i should change. I should be softer and more amiable to be controlled.

Well, Fuck you. I'm a modern independent woman brought up by a strong independent woman. There's no way i would insult myself, my mother and my upbringing that way.

Of Week 4 and Semester 1

Everyday is a battle. Its only been about a week since I got back but I have no choice but to hit the ground running. Its hard. I still feel sleep deprived from the wedding, the travels and obviously I still have residual anxieties from leaving home.

This is my 6th year here (OMG IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG... WHUT?) And every year leaving never gets easier. Simply coz I know while this is my life and I should really be living for myself, I know that I will be missing life simple surprises and news and events and you know that after awhile, distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

There was a conversation about aging the other day with a couple of people... Honestly, I've never really thought much about aging. I've never thought Oh shit i'm gonna get old, wrinkly and die soon. I'm impatient to end my studying life coz yes, i'm getting older and still unemployed. Mainly also coz there's so many things that I wanna do which could only be done once i'm earning.

I wanna live a life that's fulfilling. That's empowering. That's powerful and influential. I wanna be that lady i've read in storybooks. I want to be the one that makes enough to make a difference not just in my life but in the life of others.

Everyday is a personal battle between wanting to giving it up and thinking if this is all worth it and trying to keep the burning flame in my heart alive. Maybe its been too long that i've been studying. Studying is not gratifying. You have to halt your life to fulfill a certification. You experience live differently and of course, you see everything else from a far; waiting and hoping for the day that it'll be your turn.

Someone asked me if i wanna continue my Masters after this... I'd say nope. Not at the moment. I have to many things I wanna do in live... My Masters will have to wait, for now.

2014 and its possibilities...

Have this urge to blog. But I don't know what to write. Where to start. Where do you begin? Trying to restart a habit that sort of died suddenly.

I was watching drop dead diva just now. Jane Bingum, the main character, keeps on jumping out at me as a direct reflection of myself.

I'm not really doing much today. Even though, truthfully, i have loads to do. Just a couple more weeks before I fly off. So many things still left undone.

2014 will be a huge year for me. Its my final lap.

I'm the events coordinatior of Flinders University Harry Potter Society (FUHPS). Actually, I am also the head of house of Slytherin for FUHPS too. I have yet to create a house page.

I am the Social Rep for Flinders University Singapore Students Association (FUSSA). Looks like its gonna be a big year for them too. I have yet to revamp our website.

I am also Lily's executive assistant in Council of International Students Australia (CISA) this year. After last year's disastrous elections, i'm happy that she got a position even though we both ran for it. There are thoughts and talks of me running for VP again this coming year. But, we'll see what this year will bring.

Just a couple of days ago, I got inducted into a new position. I'm the current Flinders University Representative on the Australia - Singapore Law Students Society (AUSLSS).

Its a big year for me, no doubt. And without a doubt, i miss being on Student Council. Last year, they were my family. They managed to let me forget the random homesickness. They became my family away from home. I miss them, for sure.

The other day I saw that there are by-elections going on. I was tempted. But at the same time, I know it is best for me to stay away from it for now and maybe move on to bigger things. Things that are no longer focused on the local surrounding.

Australia has always been so so kind for me. Law school has been even more kinder. filled with the most amazing and the most wonderful of friends. Life since entering law school has been busier. Life since I made the decision to do things for me coz I am more worth it than I ever given myself credit for. Life since you finished has shown me that I have kept myself from doing alot of things, kept myself back and hasnt allowed myself to show my worth, to be what i truly am.

One day soon I will write my summary on how wonderful 2013 has been for me. Despite all the fights, all the tears, there were pretty amazing things moments of my life that took place in 2013 and i'm definitely ever so grateful for that.

Love and other things...

I've developed a bad habit in recent years... That's my lack of updates on this blog. I don't know if time have gotten in the way of everything else but I just have not found the time to blog publicly, privately or even jot stuff down in my diaries.

Today I'm gonna write about LOVE.

I'm 27. An age where my the majority of my social circle have taken the step to move on to the next phase of their lives.

However, here I am. Single, available, not looking and somehow, totally unbothered about this whole relationship thing.

I went to a family friend's house the other day... Both mother and daughter have been crowned Mrs. Singapore Universe previously and it has been about 20years since i last saw them. Coz, i either have never bothered tagging my parents along to their house or I was never free to tag along prior to the visit a couple of days ago.

They were shock of course at the sight of me! Different, fully grown up and in their words, "so pretty!"

I never believed those words. Coming out of anyone. I try keeping a straight face, smile and politely say my thank yous. Well, you see. Growing up, even before i was this... ermm.. curvy, no one ever said i was pretty or beautiful. My mom says that of course. But hey, she's my mom. She's suppose to say all the nice things to me!! I was often told that I looked different. I was fat (even when i was slimmer). And that I have my nieces telling me that they didnt wanna be like me when they grow up coz, i'm not pretty... all that i am is smart.

It hurt at first. But after awhile... I decided to accept the fact that i'm not this pretty being. So i was fine with myself the way I am. But each time someone tells me i'm pretty or that i should try modelling... I tend to squirm uneasily. Coz in my head is all like "what is it that they see that i'm not seeing?!"

ANYWAYS. BACK TO MY STORY.

They started talking about love. How you should never rely on a man to support you coz you're capable on doing that on your own as a strong independent woman. I truly and totally agree with that. I mean c'mon. I AM single and NOT BOTHERED by it.

B told me this other thing... Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen. I grew quiet just thinking about it. Wouldn't such a treatment be subjective? Then I started looking back to that one serious relationship i had those years ago. Maybe she was right. Sometimes, you think the world of someone. Allowing them to smother you with affection to a point that you get blinded by their actions. I finally manage to take a look at the time with new eyes. Probably I am bias, with a strange friendship loyalty that I'm gonna say we were young then. But in reality, we were not that young.

Nevertheless, those words kept on repeating in my head for days. An echoing reminder. "Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen". But what does that entails really?

hmmm.

Of Trusts and Disappointments.

There's only one reason why i cry. Being helpless.

I am not one that cry easily coz to me crying is a sign of weakness. I hate showing the world I cry coz i've learnt the hard way that showing the world your weakness means that they have every reason to use it against you one day.

I do not trust easily. I do not trust pple since i was very young. Contrary to popular belief by alot of morons here in Aust, its not coz i came from an oppressive cultural and religious background. I swear some people are so misinformed by the media they think that only this country is forward.

I come from a first world asian country. do you really think that i'm oppresed? that i do not trust men coz of my religious circumstances? such ill-informed morons some places are made up off, i swear. but i digress.

being helpless comes in many forms. the form where i am frustrated coz it seemed that you didn't understand is one of it.

I was hurt. Insulted and disappointed.

Somehow, I am not surprised if you still do not know why. I've been thinking about the conversation we had last thursday. Somehow, the only thing that came to my mind was: I think we need a break. I don't know if that's the wisest thing to do.. but maybe i'll need to sleep on it...

That conversation... I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, I don't know what is it you want. Did you think my problem was really with you seeing someone? Did you honestly think that? what are we? 5? Maybe that would be your reaction if I were to tell you that i'm seeing someone.. I don't know. Why are you always so worried about what i think or what others think of me? What exactly have i done for you to constantly undermine me? Why is it that you always feel the need to protect me? Is this really protection?

The problem we had or have always had has never involved anyone else. It has always been us. You and me. I hope you realised that now.

Sometimes i feel as if we're going in a neverending circle. Its always the same. Different day, different story, same problem.

There are days where i have always felt as if i know you so much better than you knew me. And i told myself, how is that possible? considering what we've been through. you must at least get away with something about me. But, judging from the conversation we had the other day, apparently not and my suspicions have always been right.

Everytime when i am unhappy with you, i think to myself. the difference between us is that; i care and you don't. How unfortunate of it that you proved it right that night. You confirmed it with your own words. And yet, you were clueless why i was upset.

Is this a joke? Coz, i ain't laughing.

There's so many reasons that would have made me leave but I only stay coz of one simple reason. And I can bet you right now, you have no idea what it is.

How easily things slipped your  mind. How trivial am i?

Unfortunately, alot of things have happened lately that I AM still upset, hurt and disappointed despite that conversation. I'm not someone who easily forgives and forgets coz life hasn't always been a bed of roses for me. So yes, I am still upset with you. I am still hurt with you. I am still disappointed with you. You know why? Coz of trust. My trust in you is wavering. that's why. And it won't be so easy to get it back.

You've treated me like shit. You asked me for a chance for you to make things right. I hope that you are aware of the full extent of what's happening between us. What I'm really feeling right now. The fact that i am utterly and truly upset. What you're gonna do, I don't know. But I hope you do know that its gonna take me awhile to come around this time round.

It hurts me to say this but... I'm still here but it doesn't mean that I trust you. I'm sorry.

Of reflections and New Years.

Its 2012. wow. time passed by that fast and I am still where I am..

Not fretting... I'm just hoping I could stay here much longer! Praying really hard for that! yup yup!

2011 have been filled with smiles and tears here's to those who have been there for me throughout 2011. My mom who has been my pillar of support when I feel like giving up. Mel for putting up with my tears, tantrums, random nonsensical moments and still making me smile despite me getting on his nerves sometimes. Not forgetting Deena who's been there for me despite the distance.


Hoping 2012 will begin with a positive note. =) *bites nails*

I was blog hopping the other day and I came across a really old entry from Diary of a reformed Elitist.. but this really struck me.

Here, have a read! Diary of A Reformed Elitist

It carved a smile on my face... especially when I remembered the Personal Statement I recently submitted.

This is my personal statement.

"Fortunately for me I have always known what I wanted in life. However, I've never had enough confidence to seize an opportunity. Being an only child, it is definitely an odd personality trait in comparison to most only child, I tend to have a trail of "what ifs" residing within me. My mom has been the 1 person in my life that I look up to and admire. My parents divorced when I was 11. Being a single parent in an Asian country, I saw how difficult things were for her even though she never showed it to me. But I was not blind to the brave front and the snide remarks of our Asian counterparts that she had to put up with. That was when I realized she is living for me and I started being afraid of disappointments and rejections. Perfectionists me emerge in my daily life, it definitely greatly contributed in my career and curricular activities that I was involved in as I did not want to make a mistake especially one that would cause me any unnecessary financial burdens. I have always wanted to be a lawyer and wanted to apply for law school fresh out of high school but was stopped by mom. I was too young she said. I never understood why, nevertheless I still listened to her and took the paralegal route by completing my Diploma. I was exposed into the legal industry, learnt how different working life was, gained valuable life experiences and fell even more hopelessly in love with the profession. I rose quickly as a paralegal for being independent, self motivated and being able to work under time pressure. As a fencer, I was dedicated to winning as I compete privately domestically and internationally. As a theatre practitioner, I was precise with regard to every light, every word, every scene, every movement and every sound. I was obsessed with being the best to make up for things I lack in.

Few years passed and I decided that it was time for me to take the next step: university degree. I applied for law degree in various Australian universities and received a counter-offer instead: Bachelor of Arts with the choice of transferring into the law degree with the required grades. My first academic rejection. However, I accepted it hoping that I will be able to do the law degree in my 2nd year of uni. Unfortunately, due to administrative issues, I missed that opportunity. Not once in my life have I ever thought that I will be doing the majors I did in uni: International Relations and Politics. I was never interested in World Affairs or Politics and it was a wonderland of mysteries and adventures for me as I lost myself in a world that I was never familiar with and honestly, sometimes hated. It broadened my perspective and renewed my angle on global issues and people that I was either never aware off or simply did not care about. I stayed on for the full 3years to complete the degree that I thought I will never do in my life but undeniably have a soft spot for it now.

While Aristotle believed that "Law is the reason free from passion", I, on the other hand, beg to differ. My lecturer once told me "Ignorantia Non Excusat", a legal lingo she drilled into me when I was a law student completing my Diploma. Ignorance is not an excuse. It was then that I realized why my mom thought I was too young for the law degree back then. She wanted me to be more aware of the world we are living in, to understand the people in various environments and to respect them regardless. She also wanted me to have the confidence to be able to stand up for myself and make a change. Even though I was greatly upset back then but right now I am deeply grateful to my mom for making me wait as I finally understood the gravity of each action. This is because by being a lawyer, I will change and touch lives, mine as well as those around me. So here I am, at 25, a graduate of Bachelor of Arts - International Relations and Politics putting aside my fear of rejection and what ifs to apply for the law program in your university as a step closer to achieving my dreams."

Reading it, I can't help thinking... Was I unconsciously harbouring the typical upper class Singaporean mindset? Was I the outcome of a certain social class? 

Putting it aside, i'm really hoping that 2012 is gonna surprise me with good news! =)