Let's see... Its been close to 10 days since i blogged! A definite shocker, even to me! lol!

First up, I actually like it here... Now, i'm even playing hide and seek with a certain department when I arrived work not according to the dress code as stated in their books. LOL!

The thing is, I've never found anything wrong with it, even my dept thinks that there's nothing wrong with it... Maybe one day I shall wear whatever I was wearing and sashay over to the avoided department and later on see whether is there a mass email being circulated 15mins later. kwang kwang kwang~!

I haven't met anyone for the past 2 weeks or so. Basically, eversince I started here. Not that I come home late or anything. Its easier sometimes, living life like this. Going through life as though i'm a different person and have no association to what I was.

Its been difficult not talking to you. Its been difficult not having anyone for me to tell my nonsensical moments or even at times just having someone to keep me company, among other things. Its been difficult avoiding questions as though I'm hiding things. Sometimes, I don't know what privellege I have anymore and therefore not wanting to be a bother.

I've not disclosed anything to anyone coz nothing is concrete. :)

ANYWAYZ, a decision have been made. I might actually be rejecting top 21 of the world just coz of what I have to do initially. Stupidity? Or just basic survival skills? Hmmm... Many would wanna be in there... but suffering for a year?! lol!

I'll be sending my fees over, can't wait for top 11 of the world to reply me since they've already sent out their offers for this year's intake last Christmas. Christmas this year will be a little too late for me to hold on to any offers without accepting.

So yeah, I'm leaving all sort of familiarity behind rite now.

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My own hopes and dreams are my current driving force and strongest motivation.

Told you If was never in my dictionary. When. Now, that's a better word.

Alot of people are asking me this.

So now i'm telling.

I'll be leaving either mid January or mid February.

Yup yup.

I better not forget to go to CID to apply for my license. bleargh~!

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Omg Deena, Sandy's getting married! Why is everyone getting married? 22 only leh! 22!!!!

Olympics Mania

I've always been one of those who have always caught the Olympics. I have a strange fascination for it.

But hor, apologies to those people who is gonna be outrage by my comment. But seriously, this is the most kayu olympics i've watched so far lor! Annoying. Scared kena murder issit down there?

And and and... I'm in love with gymnastics! Especially, Fabian Hambuechen from team Germany! YIPPEE!!

And you know wat's the best part? We're both born on October 25th! khekhekehe...

Of course there's the other eye candies like.. Michael Phelps! lol!!

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I was watching Fencing yest. lol! There's a reason why I didn't do Foil. I fell asleep watching it... Even though it was the world's no. 1.

And and and... i think my refereeing skills have improved. But have to watch Men's Sabre later... Confirm cannot see a thing one. They're fast. They're like beyond fast. Sometimes I wonder why they dont do 100m sprints instead. khekhekhekhe~!

WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT ABOUT MAKING A CHOICE?!

Sheesh. Nad. Stop it eh. Virus.

I just have to make a choice and I better make sure its not a choice that is the right thing to do.

My days and nights varies just like the sun and moon.

The days so carefree, so easy... The smile as bright as the sun. Its a mask so easy to put on.

The nights are another story altogether. The mask falls as the moon rises.

-----------------------
olympic has begun!

Its been a week. Things have been hilarious here. I'm serious.

ZH caught my eye. He is awkwardly funny can! bleargh~! I wonder... when i become lawyer, would i have secretaries eying me like I have at times eyed my lawyers. lol~ But i guess i have to hire male secretaries first i suppose. Muahahaha~!

ZH is the lawyer that became a lawyer coz he has no other choice. His qualifications did not allow him to choose other career line and he has the worst tendency to do a direct translation from Mandarin to English! I'm serious. His english, you can really die laughing lor sometimes. So, in the department he is the one person that wants to be a fisherman or be a rockstar.

LJ. LJ is my lawyer. She and me... hmmm we have a ONE OF A KIND relationship. She is the kan-cheong queen of the century. I'm serious. She made me change things like crazy when she is kan-cheong. She says she's been like this since school. BAGOS! Everything also wrong lor. Until I will take the thing from her and arrange it myself. That is paranoid at its best. I tell her don't paranoid anymore or I wont be coming to work already~ WAHAHHAHA~!

We spot check what each other had for lunch. She has concluded that I am mischievious. Oh well. lol.

MZ is my other lawyer. I shall call him shy old bear. LOL!

Everyone's nice... for now. lol!

There are times that I can't wait to start my career. lol~~ Things are just getting alittle confusing... Bleargh~!

Cuteness.com

I'm gonna be a lawyer tooo! So that I can be classified under cuteness.com... WAHAHAHAH..

The people I've been oogling at here... but nevertheless the lawyers here are nice. The nicest i've met so far in my short period of employment. Most prob coz they're a bunch of really young lawyers. *wiggles eyebrows*

They've been treating me well. Yup yup. But then again... I may be speaking too soon.

They're goodlookers. I wanna be a goodlooker too! I swear it comes with the career. WAHAHAHAH~!

My time could have been billable... nvm nvm. we'll see what happens next. khekhekhekhe~!

Its been a long and tiring week. Yup yup. VERY long and tiring.

Service was good. I felt like I was a princess. Felt as though I was important. Felt as though I owned the world; well, technically, i did. LOL!

Praises was given. For the first time, my looks was the talk of town. lol! It did boost my confidence somewhat. heee...

I wouldnt mind being transferred there. Yes, maybe i am running away. Despite the pollution, the corruption, the language barrier and the people whom i've called mini toons due to their size... I wouldn't mind living there actually.

And the funniest part was when my driver was driving me to the airport, Joss Stone - Leaving on a jet plane was on the radio. LOL! i suddenly burst out apart from the fact that i was caught in a 1 and half hour traffic jam and had to drive through a fire to get to the airport.... Talk about dramatic. ha.

Time always seem to pass so slowly everywhere else other then singapore aye? lol.

I finally know the reason why I had to go there...

Status: Business deal - Completed.
Next Stop: China.

I think next year holds a thousand possibilities. Yup.

My messages come from the heart.

SENORITA OUTING NOTICE

Dear Senoritas,

It has been agreed prior to this notice that an outing is deem to be due sometime soon with ALL the senoritas. The term "ALL" is defined herewith as current, active and honorary senoritas.

Therefore, this notice is made to adhere to the pact made at the last outing where 5 of us were present.

I am pleased to inform you that the upcoming outing of which the date has yet to be confirmed will be a bowling outing. Kindly confirm that ALL of you are agreeable to this activity for this upcoming outing before the date is confirm.

Please also note that this upcoming outing, it will be scheduled on the weekends due to the nature of the activity itself.

Kindly revert with your confirmation. Your great enthusiasm will be much appreciated.

Regards,
Nad.

Weather aches~

The inconsistent weathers are making me uneasy! Aching backs, headaches and surprisingly, I have been warm.

Yesterday, I was annoyed. Irritated. Frustrated. Stressed out.

This year started out with me wanting to experience the moments properly especially with more time on either side and now, I just can't wait for it to end. Once August makes its mark, the year will pass before my eyes.


Seems like I will be accepting something one of these days and after that, I think my year will fly by in a whirlwind. There will be alot of flying around which i will be doing once I've made up my mind. Yup yup.


I'm shocked, yet excited.

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I am here not to conform to society's expectations. I realised yesterday, others may bring me down but I am my own person. It is me who will live my life; not others.


Its my decision that will matter most.


-----------------------


I am getting quite worried. Maybe I should force her to go for a full medical checkup.

Don't waste your tears.

Your crying yesterday actually broke my heart. For the very first time, I actually teared along listening to you.

My aunt always say, "Someone is never worth your time if they hurt you bad that you cry"

I want you to remember that. Your disappointment so apparent. Your hopes somewhat extinguished. I love you that it hurts bad to see you like this. Don't worry, i meant it in a sibling kinda way. We can never be.

And here I thought I'll be able to fall in a dreamless slumber. 3 nights or more, you've entered. Past few days, you lingered when I was awake. I have no idea how is it possible.

Can I still say that I'm currently missing you?

--------------
Bleargh~ How?

I'm grateful to god to see her smile like that.

I'm grateful to god to see her blush like that.

Never once in my existence have I ever seen her in such a state. Not even with him. I can't help smiling to see her like that. I can't help but be happy for her.

Then she turned to me; For the first time, I actually knew how you feel. For the first time, I understand what you're going through. For the first time, I don't know what to say.

Woman, thank god it came at a point of the most unexpected, unpredictable and it wasn't something that you went in search off.

Like the saying goes, "You'll often meet destiny on the path you choose to take to avoid it" Maybe there is some truth in it aye? lol!

Enjoy it woman. Don't be scared. Don't be paranoid. Embrace it as it comes and live for it to your fullest. Once you lose your grip on it, its the worst feeling ever. I hope you wont have butter fingers coz this is the first time i've seen you smile like that. Genuinely happy.

Stepping Up

I'm having a huge headache. I think one of these days, I'm just gonna stare at a wall and rot. For ONE WHOLE DAY. lol! I think I'm stressed. Yeah... I think I am. Help? Anyone? I want a hug.

I was looking at my cousin's profile on facebook and guess what i saw?

Music: (leaves out unimportant stuff)... Anything cool coz I'm fucking cool

totally WTF RITE? and let me show you the most classic of all! *points below*

About me: I'm really beautiful and I'm never satisfied... Its a curse.

WAHAHAHAHH~!! Omar Elijah Litz, you are such a himbo pls! WAHAHAHAHAH~~!!!

But then, if one were to read Dhanya's blog about our MSN conversation. One would believe that me and him? We're cousins. LOL!

Its a clear starless night. Staring out into d unknown, her mind wonders.

The sound of cars seemed so distant, pple talking, slamming d doors shut. With earphones plugged in, tuning in to nelly's rapping n kelly's crooning, rather oblivious to her surroundings.

She doesn't like the feeling of not knowing what to do. She blabbers on talking abt her day, smiling n joking ard. She didn't ask how was she feeling knowing d ans at 1st glance.

She hopes it'll be btr the nxt tym she comes.

I am currently bored.

Yes.

As usual.

Hmmmm. My phone's quiet. Its quite sad really.

I think Deena is catching up on sleep and I have a strange feeling, so is my cousin. If my calculations are right, she should be back.

Dhanya and me have been having weird MSN convos. Its been making me giggle discreetly all day. I can't believe some of the things I've said to her as well and she has blogged about it! I should bury myself. LOL!


Bleargh~! *stares at phone*


There are times that I no longer see its need. Sorry phone, I'm not betraying you. I'm just stating a fact. Everything has lessened. Yes, it does. Not lessened. It has become non-existent.


Non-existent. I seem to grow accustom to the word now. There are times I actually do wonder, how am i gonna survive overseas? By myself. Practically non-existent. *scratches head* Quite a scary thought actually.


But hey, I've stepped into every educational level by myself... Now when I think about it. Yeah... None of my friends ever entered any school with me, but I did survive.


Besides, how hard can university be? rite?

...........Some (overdue) Pix Part 1.

Enough.

Hey, I know that you read my blog. Yup yup yup... I'm quite certain of it. No matter how much it is that I'm the last person you wish to read about and no matter how much you dislike me. I think you hate me actually, even though the reason for your tolerance to me is her. I know you don't agree with my principles, my mindset, my opinions, my decisions or even my actions and my choices. Think I'm dumb? Think again.

You know wat? Maybe its time you realise what she is made of. I'm serious.

Reality check #1: If she were easily influenced by me as you think she is now, your relationship wouldn't have lasted this long. It would have ended a month into it. That is a fact that I'm forcing you to face. I have ended one of it once a upon a time. I can do it again.

You know what's your problem? Male ego and also... trust issues. Its becoming a joke really seeing how you doubt her so much especially after knowing her for so long.

Reality check #2: A guy should consider himself lucky to get a girl like her. Seriously.

One thing for sure, you should be grateful that you're with her at a time where she is calmer and handle things as it comes. You should appreciate her for it. She is no longer the girl that I became close to 7yrs ago. No longer the girl that I had to pull out of trouble.

But trust me, once you ignite a spark, you'll get a taste of it. She is what she is.

Reality check #3: She may be calmer now, but never underestimate her. Once she has had enough, She will have enough.

You say... she's beginning to sound like me? Havent you heard? Or maybe... haven't you realised... "Birds of the same feathers flock together"?

Reality check #4: She's been patient. The most patient i've ever seen her been.

Just as she opens up, you put a lid on it. Just as she talks, you simply nod. Just as she needs your attention, you fall asleep. Has love suddenly become a state of convenience?

Let me be truthful here, you're not my most favourite person. But never once in this relationship have I ever butted in. I have my own opinions of you some of which she is unaware of.

Sacrifice, let me ask you... have you really done it? You have no idea what she's been through, you have no idea what she's done.

Reality Check #5: Face it, you and her, the only thing that is on the same par would be your looks... other than that?

Seriously, you're not the only one facing the stress. You have no idea the things she worry about, the things she hopes for.

Sometimes, guys just don't know what their girlfriends have done to side them, to fight for them. They're just oblivious about it.

Reality check #6: She is NOT someone you can tame.

Someone who will talk when she is spoken to. Someone who will answer only when asked. Someone who will sit quietly by your side, be pretty, stare and keep her opinions to herself. Someone who you can put aside, neglect or ignore when you're busy. Someone who will settle 2nd best. She is none of the above.

If those are what you're looking for in a girl. Wake up and look around. This is the 21st Century. She is brought up differently. Different than you.

If you want her, change. If you want her, accept the fact that she is not like all those other girls that you have met in your life. If you want her, its about time you prove yourself.

Reality Check #7: If you want her, then don't settle for 2nd best.

I'm only writing this now coz I've had enough. I've had enough of looking. You think its fun to know that she has not been sleeping, she's been crying, stressed up? You really think its fun? Seriously, if it comes to a point where I will have to do the honour. I will.

Don't make a mockery out of love and relationship. Its not simple. It NEVER will be.

I was going through the Hong Kong photos. No I didn't go. BLEARGH~! I should get myself in S.M.U and get to go to HK for competitions. Its annoying really. Coz I'm jealous! HAIZ.

Anywayz, yes the fencers are camwhores. Birds of the same feathers flock together aie? lol! And trust them to take this of themselves......

Yes so this picture was inserted into the Visa Ad or rather the Visa was inserted into the picture... but the actions are real pls!

I should start taking pictures while fencing... Shall force Neo to fence with me and camwhore.. MUAHAHAHA.. He shall be my victim!

Ladies leave your men at home....

Girl's night out. Went to MOS on Saturday with the girls. Yup, there was a mini school gathering among us. Hahahaha... I know i know hard to believe rite? better believe it. lol!

Went all over MOS. I mean its the first time me and her were there! Obviously we're like... JAKUN rite?! We went to pure.. which was like... surgeon like white sia... i think it will be blinding if the houselights turned on. lol!

Then there was Studio 54 which was CUTENESS.COM! *boogies ala John Travolta* Everything was so colourful and the swings and the chairs.. lol!

The main arena was.. hmmm.. Ok I don't like trance... so ya.. go figure. lol!

We were stuck at SMOOVE half the time anywayz. The DJ was HOTTTTTTTT~!! I was like staring and staring and staring... Me and Deena ended up on the mini platform coz it was too crowded and I intend to get Deena back home in one piece. lol!

And only yesterday then I realised why the DJ was so familiar! He's the same guy from Leap Years... How can I not put the 2 together?! ALAMAK AI! wasted sia...

Did I mention that in the Leap Years, the convent that Wong Lilin was teaching is my school?! wahahaha.. so cute lor when i saw it... i turned to my cousin and i was like... "Nana, Why is the corridor so familiar? isn't that my school?" Cousin: "Seriously Dee, even I know its your school" But I digress... where was i? Oh yes..

He was right beside me when me and deena was taking a break and perching on the stool. He was beside us for the longest times! I could have taken a pic! argh! Btw, he wasn't the DJ with the random song choices. The other DJ was. BRITNEY & LINKIN PARK LEH! i understand if its pieces of me or break the ice or radar.. but give me more?!

NADIA! when you're back, I wanna go MOS just to take a pic with him! i'm serious! Even you also will like.. ooooogle lor down there...

But then again, if Bees have beehive. Mats have MOS lor. Seriously. its like an effing Mathive! Met some of my outside friends. When I mean outside, I meant outside. Even Deena was like.. WHO THE HELL?! lol!

We headed off to St. James - Powerhouse after that to meet someone but we didn't coz she was out of sight and we cant be bothered to search. lol!

BTW, I think we look good.. no?

Its funny how she called as though knowing that something is up.

In every Mr. Big & Carrie, there will always be a Charlotte.

Soulmate is what she proclaims herself to be. But out of everything, I know she is suffering as well.

Just as Charlotte sided everything Big did and told Carrie to calm down as he has his reasons. The day he did not turn up at the church, the disappointment on Charlotte was greater than expected. She has grown to have faith in Big.

She's the exact same. She sided him in every way possible and there was once I just sat and stared at her, speechless. She actually did thought and believed that I would have get settled. She believed that he was someone good for me. He managed to make me noticed, stopped, turned after all these years. She said that she already have faith. She put her trust in him and let go of me.

She finally told me that yesterday.

Just like Charlotte hugged Carrie till the break of dawn, cursing underneath her breath and witnessed her turn numb.

So did she. No matter what she has said, I know deep within she still do love us both.

------------------------------------------

Bear, the things i said yesterday... It hurts. I'm sorry for having such thoughts but I just needed to find a reason for Silence and came out with the most unexpected one. My friends, they've scolded me for thinking like that... But I guess I did come to point where I don't know what else to think off coz it was getting unbearable. I was too afraid even though I know better. I still am. I guess we both know now, what our feelings are. Things were cut short the other day.

Random Flashes

Its Tuesday... and my weekend is still ringing in my ear.

I've caught myself smiling unconsciously and mentally smacked myself. Everything was too sweet, even the cake and the cookies! LOL! Lili looked good that night. She looked different.

It was a small wedding. A really sweet one. My friend's married. Yes I know alittle late for me to acknowledge that. lol!

Its really funny how some have laughed at me crying at my speech to her. And its funny how some cried along.

I remembered the corner. I remembered the tears. I remembered the reason why it never stopped. I felt the comfort. I steeled my heart and yet, it penetrates through.

Only one has the power to do that. Even from before. Even from the intial beginning. Even from the days where we bounced up and down the corridors. Only one. And I'm unsure if you know that too...

The sky was clear; velvety blue. The stars were bright; like a blanket of diamonds. The breeze soft; like a song. The water waltz in its own rhythm.

I remembered my outfit. How can I not? It looks pink in the pictures.. *screams* I remembered the heels. I actually love it.

I love the brightness of the island across and how it stands out against the dark waters.

I know for sure, my feelings are still strong and have refused to change... I tell myself, it wont matter... coz... miracles do happen, but not to me.

Wedding Bells A Ringing
(The craziness from the bridesmaid's pt of view)


Location: Bora Bora Beach Bar, Sentosa, Singapore
Date: 28th June 2008
Time: 6pm till Late
Dresscode: Smart Casual (Bridesmaids to be in Magenta)

Reporting Bridesmaid: Nur Nadira

Yes, people... I changed my hairstyle again. I'm back to being a mushroom head only more vogue this time. WAHAHAHAHAHHA!!

Last Saturday, Lili got married. Yup yup! After about 2months of running around and she annoying me in the middle of the night, the big day arrived. My day started wayyyyy before 6pm of 28th June 2008.

It started from the previous day. Last minute touches had to be made and therefore I couldn't crash at the Bride's pad to entertain her on her last day of singlehood.

And me being me, made sure that I packed her stuff and realised that I didn't have shoes to go with my dress. Paranoid pls! I thought I was gonna end up barefooted on that actual day... Talk about glamourous. *rolls eyes*

I hunted for shoes last minute and really did think that I'm doomed. Ended up buying a pair of 5inch gold heels from Nine West.

The whole week before that, the rest of the bridesmaids were pulling their hair on how on earth they're gonna find a Magenta dress. Well, you see, Lili wanted Lavendar for her bridesmaid. I was on leave, and went around hunting for it! You tell me where can find Lavender in the summer collection?!

So i asked her whether any other shades of purple is fine since I cant find a thing... She said ok. So i was under the impression that, her bridesmaids will be in any shades of purple.. So me and Deena bounced into warehouse and spotted the Magenta dress... which I bought and then Lili asked me to send a pic of my dress to the rest... Then it hit me that they most probably will kill me... Khekhekhekhe...

MOVING ON,

On the actual day I was awake at 8am to compile some song list and get myself ready since I was supposed to appear at her house at 1230pm (which I was late for.. duh~!)

Deena called me to make sure that I have everything ready since she is either worried that i might break my heels or tear my dress before anything. Seriously, that woman have so much faith in me. Sheesh~! She forced me to go over to her house since I needed her handbag and she wanted to do a spotcheck.

*rolls eyes* AUNTY AH! AT THE END OF THE DAY I AM STILL A GIRL LOR! I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TIE MY RIBBON ONLY HOR!

But anywayz, I appeared at Lili's house at about 2.30pm to the surprise of everyone of my change of hairstyle and that I appeared in a dress for the first time in front of them. BLEARGH~!

So i went to disturb Lili inside the room and started playing with her veil and can can (is that how you spell it?).. I was prancing around with it... DUH~! Me so omg jakun never see this kinda thing before and so girlish and so frilly... so cute lor!

Then I realised that I was getting warm and that's only when I settled myself in front of the fan and underneath the aircon! Ate pizza and chicken wings and played with Poppy(her cat). Camwhored with cammie that's not mine... So I have no idea where's all my pictures.. HMMM!!!

Went to Bora Bora at about 430pm... And set up everything and I was appointed DJ of the night! The bar area was damn hot pls! I am quite positive that I have at least gone down 2 sizes by the end of the night! So tak glam lor!

But things went quite smoothly despite several annoyance. I just sat at the music area when I have nothing to do... Its really quite fun looking out to the crowd and observing everyone from a 3rd person perspective. heeee...

It was like prom all over again. Everyone so dressed up, drinking, eating, talking and catching up on each others' life since most of them have not seen each other for the past 2yrs... It was very sweet. the entire thing... :)

Finally get to see them after a week!!! Azi looks happy after the swiss trip lo! I think overseas air always do something good to her! She didn't even look sick lor even though she told me the other day that she recovering from being sick in switz... LOL!!





I'm sorry to the rest that I did not manage to take pics with or talk for very long.. Boo Hoo Hoo~!!

Guess what else I've learnt to do by the end of the night? Running around in 5inch heels. When I say run, I mean run. LOL!! And later on dance in 5inch heels! WAHAHHAHAHAHA~!!

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Dearest Lili,

Like I've said before, never in my life would I ever thought that the day would come where I would be there as your bridesmaid on your wedding day or to even assist you in planning it. And I think never in your life did you expect it as well.

3years ago, never once did we ever sit at the same table to have a civilised conversation or even acknowledge each others' presence until one day we started calling each other Kambing. The group's very own Chinese Kambing and the Indian Kambing.

Vulgarities were constantly exchanged, name calling became a way of life, and irritating each other became something that we've grown to be an expert in. Those still remained btw. lol!

Fate certainly has its ways as we both have learnt in the most recent 6months that we entered each other's life.

The past 6 mths have been interesting. We've seen each other in our best and worst forms. You never expected to be one of those to witness me breakdown in such a way, I know that, but you did. The same way I've never expected you to cry to me too... And the intial impression we both had of each other flowed away along with the tears.

You're the strongest girl I've ever met but beneath all that hard exterior lies a girl so gentle with great dreams. Like i said on your wedding day, You came to me unexpectedly, like an angel in the most undefined and unrefined form and I thank you for it.

I salute you for taking this journey. Everyone's afraid of getting married. But hey, when its time... you'll know it! rite? :P LOL! Love is afterall a journey of self-discovery and knowing of the others' importance in your life and I pray you'll find the peace in it.

But no matter what happens, you'll always be my Kambing!

Lotsa Lurve,
Nad.

P.s: Deena & Nadia sends their regards.

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More pics will be uploaded once I know who has them! haizzzz...

List of things - Revised as of 27th June 2008, 11am.

1. Compile song list
2. Get my earrings
3. Get frameless frame
4. Get ring pillow
5. Complete tealight holders
6. Do my hair
7. Put catering invoice in one bag
8. Pester Deena to let me borrow a bag
9. Hang my dress
10. Send my shoe to the cobbler to do something Go get new shoes after dance class today
11. Send out my parcel
12. Remember to bring lili's things on saturday
13. buy ink from Mont Blanc
14. Remind lili to pass all invoices

I cant seem to remember what else is there but somehow it feels as though something is missing...

HMMMMMMMMM

I am tired. I am tired. Lalalallalala....

I am mentally planning my route today! WAHAHAHAHHAA... I can't seem to find my notebook. ARGH!

And i'm feeling bimbotic.. Been giving off bimbotic vibes anywayz.. Even people cant believe the things i say half the time also..

---------------------------------
Desperate times, calls for desperate measures...

As long as it doesnt drive me to the brink of insanity... Yay.

My eyes betray me yet again. I looked for a little too long and talked silently.

I hope it didn't show too much. Hidden feelings.

*smacks self*

Vulnerability, it should be a crime.

One thing i've never fancied was having an audience.

Some know of this fact and others, i think, remained unaware of this audience thingy. Papparazzis. I don't appreciate it really.

But somehow, it became something quite inevitable in my life.. even though I wondered how and why. I'm not overestimating my importance to anyone or boasting my popularity coz I know i'm none of the above.

Is it fun to talk about other people? Is it? Really? Is it really fun to keep track of others' life and later on talk about it like the next episode of some drama series?

I also don't need rumours to start flying around. I really don't need it. Sometimes I really wonder what is it that I have done wrong... Or maybe my existence really do piss you off?

Nobody knows of the emotional rollercoaster I'm going through and I don't expect anyone to understand it either. Many won't see things the way I do, many won't understand the things I say and why I say it.

I've never begged before. But it seems as though i've done alot of begging this time round. I've sucked in my pride, as though it will really matter as I don't really feel much anymore. And i'm gonna do it again.

While I appreciate certain parties' concerns, I don't need it. Especially vindictive, mean and practically annoying. Yes, certain things happened under certain circumstances. But i still do love and care. So it pains me to be reading certain things, especially when I find it rather unfair.

I exist you know? So don't act as if I don't and say things as if I don't exist.

Just put yourself in my shoes for once. Never once have I tried to hurt anyone and liked seeing anyone being hurt or accused with mean remarks, thrown in their way. When I'm angry, yes, I say things I mean... with also my name attached to it.

I never liked cowardice. Not now, not ever. So please, its been hard. It still is. So just stop.

Please.

Malay Mania

I think if i were to write an entry in Malay, I will sound damn minah. As in those informal malay.

For eg:

Siak ah... Takot sak nak hantar surat "cinta". Tapikan, yg aku fikir sangat pasal orang lain tu kenaper? At the end of the day, its my life per. I'm the one who's living it.. Not others. If i'm unhappy... Nobody else will know, they're not facing it. So better make decision as I want, even if it displeases others.

Setiap hari masok ofis mcm nak pegi torture chamber.. Its like, aku tak belajar aper-aper seh kat sini. 6 bulan kat sini and at the end of the day? Aku raser, mcm waste time ah!

On top of that, sakit hati setiap hari. I tell you, anak aku is never gonna be an accountant. I will put my foot down seh. Dier org ni, nak cakap bodoh... tak. Nak cakap pandai... pun quite questionable.

Belajar tinggi tinggi.. but what's missing? Common Sense. Bodoh sak. ISH! Geram nyer! And one wonders why I'm the one making such a big fuss about accountants when I'm in Legal rite? that's the problem... Harass me - Pagi petang siang malam... Over stupid minor things that THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE!

The director of finance pisses me off. I shall refer to him as Babz. you all can imagine la ye what is the long form of Babz. Si Babz nie suker menyakitkan hati I. Dier ingat yang he so effing High & Mighty becoz of his stupid position.

Dier ingat orang will run to him just becoz he minta something. Biler orang need something from him, tunggu la 2 -3 bulan.. still quite questionable dapat ke tak.

He has an assistant, let's call him Babz junior. Babz & Babz junior nie act important but actually not.

At least si Babz junior pernah nampak my wrath so he still quite polite la eh everytime nak tanya things. Si Babz pulak asyik ingat aku nie tak der kerja atau aku tak pernah buat kerja until the other day I actually told him off. Si Babz nie asyik minta barang, biler i cakap tak der.. dier tanyer besok dah jumper ke belum. Dah cari ke tak? Is that bodoh or wat?

Babz shock. I also shock. That I told him off. My voice was raised actually. The usual patient Nad went out the window. The candid all smiling demeanour evaporated as irritation took over.

And the boss? ARGH! dont even know how to begin! Aku raser, there are times that he thinks i'm stupid.

People pleaser. I hate those. BENCI BENCI BENCI!!!! kat sini... those species? MENIMBUN! Why? Climbing the career ladder la tu.. Ah.. Pegi ah panjat tu ladder tinggi tinggi! Pegi I say!

Backstab all the way yo! Aku dah kena dah the other day... that's why I hate Finance. tralallalaa.. One thing they forget is that... In a company, Legal will always be a step higher than Finance. HA! Eat my dust!

But then again, I was beginning to be Miss Bitch.. Now, for a month, I've been Queen Bitch and somehow pple are still fine with me. Bagos. I will continue to do that. Even my boss realise how I deal with things with the rest and he usually just chuckle and go inside his room...

Once I ignore, I really ignore. Once I snap, I really snap.

Then lagi satu.. ARGH! ITU PEREMPUAN MEMANG NAK KENA! lol! i think i just sound Baba! But hor.. dier eh... MEMANG AH! make my blood pressure go upstairs la! Actually not mine only.. everyone else's in the company also.. she is just beyond annoying and irritating. Those words are too kind to be describing her with.

And I just continued the rest of my entry in english.. Banyak punyer nak taip bahasa melayu. Memang tak last punyer!

PMSING? *shrugs*

I am such a coward when it comes to things like this.

Fark. I'm so damn tired. Tired doesn't even begin to describe how i feel rite now. I'm just whatever.

She called yesterday. Told her of my day, told her what the most unexpected thing that I did the day before yesterday in town. She was shocked. Yes. And I told her, it was like a dream that I could barely remember what the details were. Even though it was shocking, it was that unimportant to me that I can't be bothered to remember it. It wasn't worth my time.

I no longer bother cancelling the days on the calendar, there's really nothing to look forward too anymore. Its like the days past and i'm just staring at it from the 3rd party point of view.

I think I'm in a daze.

I think I am void of feelings.

*pulls hair* Oh god Nad! Just give it. What more than a better time like this? Nothing pple say will affect you anymore! and yet you still consider the feelings of others. ARGH!

Like the rest of this entry, this is so random but this is my 1001th post! ha. its like beginning at 1 all over again.

---------------------------------------------

I'm walking away (now I'm walking away)
From the troubles in my life (from the troubles in my life)
I'm walking away (yeah) oh, to find a better day

--------------------------------------------

Did you know?

Last weekend i had the most interesting time.

I went to watch a soccer match. Yes, me. I know. Surprising! LOL! Saudi Vs Singapore at the Stadium.

I've always done stupid things everytime the stadium is involved and the last time was catching Singapore Idol live. lol!

Anywayz, it was interesting how boring the match was! LOL! The company was definitely interesting. It was like rivals. I seriously have no idea why the entire group went together. But I pitied her.. She's like having to please 2 difficult parties. bleargh~

But of course there was this particular eye candy at the stadium! lol!!

Made new friends! Pics will definitely be up soon! hehehehe

and guess what i did on Sunday? I went for my distant cousin's wedding. My malaysian cousins came in for it and I dared the brother to go up to the DJ and karaoked for the wedding.

SURPRISE SURPRISE.

He marched up to the DJ and requested a song and I made his youngest sister sing with him!!! LOL!!! They were the highlight of the wedding actually, apart from the newly weds of course. LOL!

after that, i was begged to go Karaoke. Which i ended up agreeing to.. ME? K-ING?! lol! it was fun. he made me duet with him..

If i ain't got you, Dilemma, Baby Boy, This i promise you, My boo... WAHAHAHA.. romantic or wat? lol!

And yes, i sang malay song as well. not only song.. SONGS! *hides face* It was humiliating lor! But yes, i had fun. thanks idiots! I know you guys were worried the moment you saw me that night... No worries k?!

Can i go k-ing again? pls pls pls?

-------------------------------------------------

Cas is my new found friend. We have concluded that we love each other. lol!

Reminder to self: Ask Cas for photos.

-------------------------------------------------

WOMAN! COME BACK TO SG SOON! HOW ON EARTH AM I GONNA SURVIVE HERE BY MYSELF?! FOR NEARLY A MONTH!

oh... don't forget to bring me something from Japan! a telephone number would be good too! *wiggles eyebrows*

-------------------------------------------------

I'm numb. Yes, just keep it coming. Coz I seriously don't feel a thing rite now.

-------------------------------------------------

I'm finally recovering! finally. After a month of being sick. My voice is still ROCKER yo!

-------------------------------------------------

My dance teacher didn't know what race I am. For an arab, I am shocked. They usually know what you are at first glance. But the reason why I know she was unsure when she asked me this, "Are you muslim?" LOL!

You should see the puzzled look on her face and the surprise later on after I said yes. So what am I? Indian Eurasian? this is the umpteenth time in a month... LOL!!

-------------------------------------------------

I wanna shop!! actually i shouldn't. At the rate i shop this month... my closet is kinda packed now! lol!

kwang kwang kwang...

A prayer.

God,

Forgive me for my weaknesses. Forgive me for my denials. Forgive me for ignoring the small voice within.

Its been hard. There's too many things flooding in every time I closed my eyes.

I've never felt so alone before. As though trapped in the darkest cave. Too many words hidden, too much feelings suppressed. I'm suffocating. No wait, maybe I'm drowning.

God, its sad. It really is, to see what is unfolding before my eyes. Some friends deserve to be thrown in a pit of fire. I swear. I thought over the years, they'll get over things. I guess... Not.

Is there really something wrong with me? Am i really that bad? That mean? What have I even done wrong to you? Sheesh.

God, I'm falling apart. But no, i can't show my vulnerability to anyone.The last thing i expect is for you to add on to this misery of mine. What I found out from him yest left me shocked. Thanks alot. You, of all people.

Why can't friendship just be simple? I thought friends care and accepted you wholly despite what you have more or less than the other? Are such friendships non-existent now? Or is that a 14th Century mindset that have evolved along with technology?

Dear God, please give them the strength to see me through this. Some have cried for my pain, while i just stare at them emotionless.

Dear God, why do the eyes glisten with tears even when nothing occurs? Why do the heart aches? Why do the head hurt? Why do the eye refuse to open at the break of a new day? I am not surprised at the situation. Its all tooo familiar. It happened before... some time back. It hurt then. It hurts now.

Therefore, i continously try even after many failed attempts. Maybe, like 2-3yrs ago, I'll walk away.

Dear God, please take care of him.

God, thanks for listening. I've talked to you all these while even when I smile and laugh.

3 yestyears ago...

I miss school. I really do! lol!

I was reading thru my past entries when i suddenly remembered of a particular time in lecture theatre where we were so bored with management? or was it company law? that we decided to write stories. there was one line that will never be erased from my head.

"WHAM! The orang utans, slammed into the hippos butt."

That seriously never failed to make me die laughing.

I was reading one entry where I was having Fam Law project. My group was Awi, Caleb, Vik, Mel and myself. It was one of my most interesting group. I remembered how panicky i was at certain periods..

And one of the classic moment i remembered was when i read my blog entry. Mel was supposed to be sending me the Family Law presentation but instead of sending it out, he put it in the recycling bin of his comp.. And there i was sitting beside him in the lab, constantly refreshing my mail at high speed. *faints*

I remembered how we used to skip classes for movie escapades, town escapades, chill out escapades, arcade escapades and even sleeping escapades.

I remembered chatting on MSN while in class and the people i was chatting with was sitting rite next to me...

I remembered SMSing in lectures when the people i was smsing with were sitting 2 rows in front of me...

I remembered how Kay comes to me when she needed help with her assignments and how all of us exchanged points and notes for exams, tests and projects.

I remembered how I started everyone camwhoring the day i got my very first digi cam. and filled 2 512MB memory cards to the brim.

I remembered internship and the craziness of it, the lunch hours, the after work hours.

I remembered prom and how gorgeous everyone looked that night.

I remembered the productions I had, the speech competitions that i've joined, the events i've hosted, the sports that i've joined... Rugby.. How fondly do i remember my 1000 sit ups and 1000 push ups per training! lol!!, the late nights to finish my projects, the early morning macdee's breakfast, And the bustling life of a student.

I remembered how i've grown to love my friends and having a partner in crime.

I remembered how afraid I was that I'll lose contact with the people i've grown to cherish and love.

I remembered feeling like shit when Mel entered army coz I no longer have my partner in crime around so often to bitch and talk to or even go out with. I remembered missing Hally & Shahdon when production ends. I remembered those moments where me and azi have our shopping sprees.

I've never forgotten any of those moments. I've missed you. haiz.

Now? Lonely. yup yup...

----------------------------------------

I won’t ever be too far away to feel you
And I won’t hesitate at all
Whenever you call
I’ll always remember
The part of you so tender
And be the one to catch your fall
Whenever you call

Being sick and alone at home is not a good combination.

Now is one of those times I hope someone would appear at my door to nurse and keep me company at home. Bring food, give hugs. bleargh~

*kills self* Can't seem to focus on anything, everything seems to be a blur. Can't seem to breathe properly, i feel worst than a fish out of water. Can't possibly move, i'm shivering too much. But i need to get my ass to the doctor! But... I can't seem to move. Feel like as if the ground is giving way, the head is too heavy.

Typing this entry is a chore.

How the hell am i gonna drag myself out of the house and down the stairs? Haiz. I'm so in trouble.

Flu bug has bitten me!

I'm the last person to have caught the flu bug from the office despite me being sick last week.

Due to certain promies i've made through out the week, I held on to my health and refused to fall completely ill even though my voice was slowly leaving me.

Despite being sick, I ended up at O Bar on Friday after leaving Ambrosia. Was told not to go MOS since it was boring... So yeah.. I was at O Bar. The first club that I was brought too.



Entered the club with eyes fixed on us. Trust me, we were lucky that we did not wear what we wore last week to O bar. The crowd was rather... Questionable.

Danced and all... It was damn crowded and seriously, it was getting annoying. It doesnt help that I was sick. We both were sick. And being sick, and still able to dance like that, I think I should seriously salute the both of us. lol!!

It was seriously amazing how we both were looking out for each other despite me having headache and her having flu.

We would have saved alot of money if we were more awake with all the drinks that we have turned down. But seriously, with that kinda crowd, i would seriously not take my chances.


I decided to leave, coz it was getting way toooo hot inside there... and i thought that i would faint anytime soon. Besides, some people were just not happy that we were getting attention. If O bar has a platform like zouk, i think the both of us would have been pushed on it. *rolls eyes*


So before anything happens, we left. We concluded that it was a place to go with, with the brothers or our partners, especially when you're sick. LOL! but it was fun. The both of us might consider going back there together when we're fully well. lol! So as to be able to face anything and anyone without worrying. LOL!


-----------------------------------------------------
Argh Nad. You should just get better. Seriously, nobody's gonna care if you're sick. Even if you've been falling sick so often recently. No one's gonna bother.


Another thing Nad, just send it. Send it and see what happens. You're not needed here. You're not important. to anyone and not anymore.


I am going insane. I'm talking to myself. yay.
------------------------------------------------------


I'm sick.. coz...


no no.. can't be. but then again, it just might be.

Sex And The City

was disappointing! Maybe I expected so much more from such a highly acclaimed drama series. The movie was as though browsing thru a book at a bookstore. Flipping the pages at high speed.

yup yup.

Looking at the 4 characters in the movie. I see myself like that 20years down the road with my girls and we would do the exact same things that they did.

Shopping down 5th Avenue (singapore context: Paragon, Scotts, Taka)
Having coffee with each other on the weekends.
Going to fashion shows.
And helping each other through life.

Watching the show was very deja vu.

I even turned to Deena at one point and asked her, "Don't you think all this is a little too familiar? Its like as though we've said this kinda thing before."

Deena: "Yeah. I know, its so us lor... I think 20years down the road we will still be this kecoh"

And Deena... we will always be each others' Charlotte eh?

Some things in the movie made me quiet. Some things are all too familiar. Words. Reactions. Situations.

-----------------------------

I may be a very good actress but I've always been a bad liar... no?

Elliott Yamin Lyrics
Wait For You Lyrics

Have always been loving this song even though its currently giving me a hard time. Doesn't help that its been playing in loops the past few days even though i've state in my previous post that i've been avoiding songs.

ANYWAYZ, I think out of all the Singapore Designers, My favourite is still Ashley Isham. He is like... yayness! High fashion all the way yo! Love it. Love his runway shows, his runway themes. Not that I'm saying the rest are bad... I mean pple like Kenneth Loh and all have very interesting styles... I just find Ashley Isham very TOP MODEL! wahahahah!! I like~

Btw, you guys should see his Singapore house. GORGEOUSNESS.COM.

Sometimes I wonder, if i did not accept Law & Management, would i have been in Fashion instead? And alot of those times, the small voice said, "yeah, i think you will." LOL!

Can you imagine? My name gracing the runways and being the hottest, most sort after labels. Right beside Salvatore, Calvin Klein, Anna Sui, Gucci, Prada, Tommy Hilfiger... you'll have Nadira Zainal.

Being in Paris/Milan Fashion Week, the stars doning it on the red carpet and having top models like Naomi Campbell, Gisele Bundchen or Adriana Lima gracing my runway shows; strutting their stuff with my label, my collection, my designs.

Nadira Zainal.

Talk about exotically appealing. Yummy.
--------------------------------------------

Talked to Deena about some things yest. Yes, maybe i'll really do it this time round. yes yes.

I wish I may, I wish I might
I wish upon a star so bright

A Mess.

My head's a tangled mess and its no joke. There's so many things I wanna say but for the first time in a very very long time I have no one to tell it out too. I'm back to before and trying my best to hold everything together and not fall apart.

My random moments are kept mum. I used to remember few years back, I found comfort in something and finding it strange that it was as such and the same person felt that way as well.

My mind's been going in pictures, songs, words, phrases, incidents, expectations, standards.

My blogging is gonna be a lot of random things where no one will understand. Well not many will i think.

If I were to grow up in another country with lesser legal restrictions with the kind of mismatched family i'm in, I'll be one of those daughters of really really rich underground families who really hates what's happening in her life and really have no idea what the family is doing but she knows that she's different but no one will see it.

The other day was fun. I might be doing it again next weekend. The two of us girls should go again, maybe it will be 3 next week.

The most interesting part about it is when everyone's asking us if we're locals. When we say yes... they were like... "Oh cool! So you guys eurasians rite?" My cousin just stared at me and turned back to them: "Nope. We're Malays." You should see the shock on their faces and the WTF look that followed it. "Malays? You guys gotta be kidding rite?" Me: "Errr... Nope" Them: "Oh... Wow."

I swear that night was a confidence booster. LOL!

LEONA LEWIS - Bleeding Love.


Leona Lewis Lyrics
Bleeding Love Lyrics

I don't know why they're like so into this song. When one phone rang, and the other rings, nobody realises that its 2 different phones ringing. *rolls eyes* I mean I don't deny that the song is nice la.

I lost my IC. lol! It was funny though, no matter how serious a matter it is.

BABYFACE - Nobody Knows It But Me.


Babyface Lyrics
Nobody Knows It But Me Lyrics

The song was playing in the car yesterday. Damn the radio. But then again, Class 95 was playing really good songs.

Don't you think expectations are getting a little high? No no. Seriously, I have nothing to offer to anyone. Period. I'm just a normal girl, not exactly very special i may add.

I've stayed away from various singers now, namely Babyface, Elliott Yamin, and yes. Even backstreet boys.

I was watching Princess Diaries 2 the other day and again yesterday night on channel 5. I think the song Breakaway fits that entire situation of the movie. I don't know why but everytime it plays in that movie, never fails to make me feel hollow inside.

Prince Caspian is hot even though I hate the uncertain attitude of the character. And I think King Edmund looks like Ali. Which I find disturbing since I find Edmund cute and well Ali is my cousin. And Ali is annoying and Ali also cannot find out that I find the similarities between the both of them or he will never let me forget that.

My mom's current favourite song is Babyface - What if. I hate that fact that she tends to play it in loops that i've begun to memorise it already. Now can even sing it without the need of the song.

I've always found inspiration in Legally Blonde. Even more now actually.

Papa. Hmmm... Don't even know where to start. Yesterday's kenduri was cute. The kids were really cute. The Darul Ma'wa kids were singing some weird ass song which after awhile got stuck in my head. "Watermelon, Watermelon. Banana, Banana. Kici kici kici kici. Rambutan, Rambutan" I still have no idea what fruit is Kici Kici.

We took pictures recently and she commented on how i look. She said that something is wrong. Its a smiling picture and yet... Then she realised. The eyes. I guess those who know me will realise. *shrugs*

You know what i hate? I hate politics. Especially, office. These hypocritical buggers are pissing me off. I'm tired of politics. I've had enough of it from the prev place. I just don't want anymore. Is it really tooooooo much to ask?

I'm tired. Can't anyone see that?

I promised something. I am here to deliver it even under the most unfair circumstances and under the most painful situations. I know many wont understand. But there are just some things worth more than anything else. When I've given my word, nothing's gonna it.

I should go karaoke one day and make a fool of ourselves eh Deena? LOL! Before or after bowling?

Suddenly, I don't know whether I can live up to expectations. Haiz. Woes be me.

Fading away. I can survive this. I hope.

Its 7.30am and here I am blogging in the office.

Yes, I am in the office at 7.30am on a Friday. Argh. I have a Board Meeting that's starting 45mins earlier than expected. My boss is not in yet. I should have known. He and his dreams of waking up early.. PUH LEASE!

----------------------------------------------

While I appreciate certain things, I don't need calls in the middle of the night to interrupt my sleep. There are many things that I would need to make clear. Right now, I can't go to sleep easily no matter how tired I am. And when I do go to sleep, I can't wake up.

So in other words, when I do end up asleep, I really don't need any interruption. My mind is already having a mind of its own to begin with. When I am fine the entire day, be rest assured the following day I'm not. So I really don't need such things.

I am fine with emergency cases. Like me waking up in the wee hours coz you're in trouble. But if it concerns my well-being, save it. Seriously. There is always the hours where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping for such conversations.

----------------------------------------------

There are just times where I wish everything was perfect. Imperfections in the eyes of others, but, completely perfect to me.

Broken Soul
As the mask slipped and what lies beneath surfaced...

The mask she held on slipped away unconsciously. 72hours. She knew that and yet beads of tears still stained her cheeks. Her thoughts running havoc. She has no control over. Trying to be strong, "fine" was the only word that she managed to utter. She stared out in a daze telling herself that she has come to a junction.

She took naps to stop herself from thinking only to wake up and feel worse then before. It doesn't seem to end. In fact, the feeling just keeps getting worst. Maybe it was better not to wake up at all.

The feeling of lost engulfed her as though even daylight will not be strong enough to penetrate. Losing after trying is in itself a victory. But losing without trying made her feel as though it was never worth enough.

She know of her ability to be reasonabe at this time. For her to accept it fairly. She knows that even if she wants something else and something else happens and if it was something that she didn't like, if it was the right choice, she'll see it immediately. She'll feel it in her heart. Even if it was grudgingly.

The words that came out of her mouth to them, her concerns shocked them. They wondered, why even at this point in time, she still didn't think for herself?

If this is for the better, then why doesn't it feel right at all?

She walked in a daze, like the living dead. Laugh in tiny pockets of happiness only to be pulled down again. Her heart dead and silent. Cries rang out in the silent of the night and attempts to calm her down, failed.

Pray. That was the only thing others manage to tell her. She stared, silent and broken. Tired and helpless. She could not bring herself to look deep within herself to find the inner peace. She could not find the strength to pray.

Never was she this broken. The girl who was deemed heartless, have a heart afterall.

Fairytales dont exist in real life. It really dont. If everyone beg to differ, then there's really nothing much to say.

Leonardo Da Vinci once said that there is only one match made for you. To fully complement you and for you to know that you will not be able to find one like it ever again once you've walked past it.

Never in my life would i expect for me to find that match at such a young age.

My heart bleeds at the thought of things. Tears unconsciously fall as I stare out in space. I've begged for it to just be a dream. I thought I would be strong enough for this. But I'm failing. I'm succumbing to that corner.

Everyone suddenly realised, I'm actually human. But I know there is one person that knows that I've always been human.

How can 2 individuals perfectly in love, 2 souls made for each other been torn apart by everything else but not them? How can society still be this prejudice? Forbidden Love? How can one refuse to see that we make each other perfectly happy? How can they fail to see that things are perfect? How can everything else be more important than that? Isn't happiness and love the key to nearly everything?

I should have realised that the rest of society still is not open to certain things like the rest of my environment.

Even royalty was never this difficult. Trust me, I should know.

I know for a fact I will never be able to love the way I did anymore. First love comes once.

I just hope we will be strong enough to face each other and not lose everything. I will not be able to take it if I lose everything and more.

I thought I would be able to face it but as always, we both know each other better than ourselves and I'm grateful. I'm already not taking things well as it is.

But as always, I'm good at putting on a mask. Look hard enough, and you'll see that everything has crumbled.

Time. Its our only choice.

--------------------------------------------------
I won't be running away even though the temptation is very great rite now. But there will come a time where I will take my leave. I have a lot of things to prove to the rest of society. I suspect the reasons for the prejudice. I am not as what they deemed me to be. I am different. I will make known that fact.

When the journey begins, thou shalt know.

It seems as though her dreams were not just dreams. They were real things that actually happened in the day to her loved ones. Her dreamscape has told her of many things. Quarrels, Arguments, Happenings. Desires, Truth, Secrets.

She thought never could she be ever spot on on such things. Until something happened. The conversation about the quitting. She thought, wasn't it all a dream the other day? But how was it that she could see the quarrel in third person and for him to tell her about it later on.

It was a different kind of deja vu.

It became something she feared off when she closed her eyes. This is her actual dreamscape.

About 1 and a half weeks ago, she remembered complaining to her cousin and bestie that she wished that she wasn't what she is. She wished, she would actually look different. They asked, why the sudden topic? She answered, its just a feeling she had recently.

There was once, recently, she was sitting out there waiting for bestie to arrive. She was gazing out and day dreaming when someone whispered in her ear, Be Strong. She turned in shock to find no one. There was no one. Everyone else was a good 200m away from her. She closed her eyes and shook things aside.

She dreamt that night. Of a certain conversation. With someone unknown. He told her to be strong, to be patient. She woke up, calm and at peace.

And she wants to tell him that, she will never walk away from him. She will not leave him alone and vulnerable to go through things by himself. As long as his feelings are true, if she is meant to be with him, she will be with him irregardless of what's happening right now. She will be there. If she is meant to take things a step at a time. To cross the sea without a life jacket or a boat. She will. If she has to fight for it, she will.

Alot of things have happened. Things that he know that she knows, things that he doesnt know that she knows and things that were told to her to break them up and he doesnt know.

But what others don't know is... She always have faith in him.

She knows deep within her heart that she will always be there for him. She hopes he knows that.

Its times like this where I realised my heart's true emotions.

Its times like this that it overflows.

Its times like this that I am so glad to him.

Its times like this that I unconsciously smile to a memory.

Its times like this that I'm grateful he allowed this to happen.

Its times like this that I actually feel lucky.

Its times like this that I believe this is love.

Random Things.

1. Shahdon hates my hairstyle. He thinks that I look like a witch. Thanks ah! *grumbles*

2. Been feeling lethargic lately. My spinning head is back.

3. I think I'm gonna change hairstyle again soon...

4. I need my bed. Now.

5. My girls' bf and exes are pissing me off. I will refrain from blowing my top at their partners. Especially a particular person's ex. He is pissing me way beyond I thought he could piss me off. I thought the previous one was annoying enough. This? This definitely take the cake.

So much for no distraction down there aie buddy? Learning and trying to be closer to god will be easier if you have a pure heart without having to think about other things? I believe... That was the reason back then no?

You know... trying to be close to god doesn't include hurting people in the process. Doesn't include being mean. Maybe you should look in the mirror before you start preaching. Maybe you should look inside yourself before saying all the things you've said. One more word to her, I'm stepping in. Get it?

Even if it means its gonna be a fucking long telephone call.

6. I wanna be pampered.

7. I will never win if ever the day come where I have to compete, comparing to them. I will never look like them.

8. I am currently wondering what he is doing right now. He must be busy... He's been so quiet.. haiz.

9. I have a bad temptation to shop rite now.

10. And what's up with everyone getting married? bleargh~ Is it a good year or something?

11. I'm beginning to believe now, more that ever.. that INTELLIGENCE IS SEXY. I am attracted to intelligence. LOL. It has always managed to catch my eye! *smiles* So basically, intelligent guys, beware! lol!! Dont worry (too much), I'm already attached to an intelligent guy... khekhekhkehe

Wenjoyable Weekend.

Saturday
Met the 2 idiots. Was dragged to a manicure. Yes yes, I know I seem to be going for manicures quite often this month. LOL~ Anywayz, I prefer this one more than the previous one. I really won't mind if I have to travel allllll the way there to see here... She did a great job.

Only that I find my nail's colour quite disturbing. Its no longer cotton candy pink like the prev one. It is like hot metallic pink. Bleargh~

This month is pink month or something. I can bet you in the magz pink will be in 3 mths time.

Met Deena rite after that, went to watch Over Her Dead Body. Like finally. Since Mel already watched it! bleaargh~

NOW. THAT WAS GOOOOODDDDDD!! khekhekhehke..

The highlight of the day: Was when we couldn't stop talking about certain something and even Haizad continued it till I reached home. But the downside? 3/4 of the topic revolved ard me. Seeing the subject matter, its not flattering. I swear.

Sunday
I went for training on Sunday after being missing for 5weeks. Yes. 5 WEEKS! and coach said that I've been missing for 5 months and gained 3kgs!

I just gave him the death stare. GAINED 3KGS EH??

Thank god Matt sided me. He said i've lost weight! THANKS MATT! khekhekhekhe... Which coach obviously didn't believe. He said.. "ok lor.. if you think you've lost weight, can look at the mirror and cont. denying."

I took my equipments and was preparing for training... "eh coach, i lost weight ok! wah lau."

Him: how much?
Me: 6 kgs lor!
Him: When was the last time i saw you?
Me: After KL wat! KL was in march...
Him: 6kgs only.. next time lose 10 or 15 la..
Me: Still loosing can! At least i lost 6kgs not gained 6kgs! BLEARGH~!!

So while training... Even though I died fast... I was faster as well...

Coach: "WAH MAKCIK NOT BAD AH~ you very fast today.. must be coz of 6kgs lighter rite?"

Annoying rite? haiz haiz haiz haiz!

BUT...

We got a mini competition. Coach was so confident that he will have all victories. And he wanted to fence me first. coz he say the easiest to die! ha! nearly won him then. lost by a point. At direct elimination... I ELIMINATED HIM!

There la. Told him already... Don't dare me. Don't wanna listen... LOL!

The highlight of the day: Was that I won my Coach in a little mini competition between the 6 of us! I came in 2nd place!!!! The last time i won him was when i was 15 - at the peak of my career. Now, 4 yrs later! After coming back for a yr!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!! This is gonna be a greater motivation to lose more weight!!

VICTORY WAS SWEETTT!! -boogies about-

Promises.

I guess promises are meant to be broken. Disappointment accompanies you. Words of yesteryears.

I shouldn't have listened then. I shouldn't hope now. I should just take it as it is... and throw it immediately away.

I should have known better. Sometimes, I hate the fact that I can remember things so vividly.

Promises. Ha. Those are just mere jokes ain't it?

Today was bad. Like as tho my wk wasn't bad enuff as it is. Pardon my sms lang. as i am bloggin frm my ph 4 d very 1st time. Am pissed but am also 2 tired 2 go to d study rm 2 turn on d comp. bleargh~

so here i am bloggin on my bed as i do not haf a lappie. note 2 self: go get one

work was one annoyin bitch! i shld haf juz left. arh! called him on impulse n started rantin. 2day put d cherry on top of d alrdy piled up shit!

met shah n kin wif my couz. i'm gonna miss u shah!

What's Important to You... And What Isn't:

For you, your career is usually your number one priority. You find getting things done to be fairly satisfying. You like feeling accomplished. Your most important priorities get your attention. You are happily able to let the less important things slide. You want money to be a high priority, but you don't often get around to it.

The Priority Test

Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay.

Now, that show is hilarious shite. I think Harold Lee is so cute! lol!! I'm serious. khekhekhe... As in looks-wise as well. No? *grins*

Watched it twice and dragged Mel when I watched it the second time coz Harold Lee totally reminds me of him when I first watched it. khekhekhkhe... And he agreed. kwang kwang kwang~~

And I do think the Poem of Love - Square root of 3 is sooooo sweet. lol!

Intelligence is sexy. I'm serious. lol!!!


Ps: Got meself a new scent. YSL Babydoll. LOVING IT! Its sswwweettttt. lol.

Oohhh & Aaahhh

My weekend was filled with laughter, ooohing and aahings. No i didn't do anything kinky.

I met my godchildren.

A'liah, Aniq & Aryan

Triple A yo!

Bought shoes for the twins and soft toys! CHIP & DALE! soo cute! Even Mel had to admit that the soft toys were cute. LOL!!!

Despite the little awkwardness abt me handling children (you guys shld see! everyone was laughing at me... By everyone, i meant everyone.. -,-"), by the end of the day, I want my own kids. Serious! WAAHAHAHHA!

So cute and so loving and their eye twinkles when they smile and when they snuggle into your hugs and when they hold on tight to your fingers... you just unconsciously smile.

You feel needed. You're warm from the smiles and snuggles. You talk cute and you don't care. You feel the need to protect.

And shit. My biological clock's ticking.

Pictures will be up soon~ *grins*

Pickled Fickled.

I could go on a rant rite now... But I am trying to control myself. Therefore, as a result I have gone against my diet and ate carbo for lunch. I ate Wanton Noodles. Yup I ate NOODLESS!!! argh.

I am so gonna get scolding for that. ARGH!

On top of that, I bought the single scoop ben & jerrys' cookie dough from 7-11. Bleargh~ I am going to gain all the weight that i've lost!! *screams*

But rite now, i'm feeling a little TOOOOO full. really feel like vomitting.. Doesn't help that I was nauseous the whole day!

*scolds self* Nad nad, you should know yourself better.. next time if nauseous eat light... And not eat heavy food and now at the risk of throwing it all out again.. BLEARGH!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Get me a job pple. I'm driving myself crazy here.

Paranoid & Fickle is not a good combination. It doesnt drive the person in question crazy.. It drives the ones in their surrounding crazy. I thought bosses are leaders. Leaders are not suppose to be indecisive. Rite now, I feel like biting someone. bleargh~