Throwback to the last couple of weeks...

I used to be a serial blogger. Blogging about fashion, food, and everything else in between!

Now, i'm a serial instagrammer and facebooker... O how much has changed...

Can't believe its 2 weeks from the end of semester. 2015 really did flew by in a blink of an eye... My April and May has been a whirlwind of activities.

Being the Convener of the Flinders University Multicultural Festival for the 2nd festival in a row has been an adventure and no doubt... an honour. I do not deny that I had to reduce my sleeping hours in my already busy schedule but lending a hand to this festival will always be something I am ready for.

I do not deny that FUMCF will always have a soft spot in my heart. Creating it 2 years ago to increase campus culture and student engagement while minimising the gap between international students and local students was the driving force behind this project. I wanted an event where students could just be themselves, have a good time and befriend fellow unimates.

Each organizing committee is different from the next and I do not deny that they are both special in their own way. I'm always so grateful for the support they've given me in spite of their busy uni schedules.

Then there was Melbourne trip. This year's CISA National Conference will be in Melbourne. Heading over to Melbourne about 3 weeks ago was interesting. Do not judge me for never being to Melbourne before this despite being in Australia for the last 6years... Meeting up with the rest was always good, catching up on how others have been in the other states, etc.

I also did not give up the opportunity to try out brunch spots after reading about it on a couple of friend's blog. LOL. I can't deny myself the opportunity of staring at picturesque plating of breakfast food...

It was also there that I launched the Equity Through Diversity campaign through my portfolio in tandem with the human rights commission's campaign and drawing inspiration from the Humans Of New York; only difference is that I'm hoping to catalogue and showcase the entire International Students Community in Australia. So for that... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that it will be well received!

There's so many things left to do and with my term coming to an end in July, I am still toying with the idea of continuing... There's a couple of collaborations coming up throughout the year and I am happy and excited about all of it!

All in all, it is only May (coming to the end of it) but I am extremely grateful for all the people I've met in 2015.

Searching for a little something

Sometimes I search for something. Sometimes I don't know what it is. Heck. Half the time I don't know what it is. Where to start. What to do. Where to look. When will it end. When will I find it.

It feels like I'm preparing for a year worth's of handover process. Its like my impending graduation is affecting everyone not just my immediate family members. I see organizations who are not willing to let me off the hook just yet. I see juniors who are craving for my insights, knowledge and contacts.

I like what I'm doing. Oh wth, let me just admit it. Albeit for some of the stupid people I've met, I actually really do love what I do. My involvement with CISA has been nothing but fulfilling to me on a personal level. The people I've met. The stories I've heard. What have I got to complain about? The people, they're amazing. the stories of students. The support people receive as a result of their involvement in this industry.

But I'm tired. I feel like I'm spread thin. I feel like I have so many things to do and my attention is everywhere and I can't concentrate and give my best on that one thing coz I have a million other things to do. Haiz. I wished sometimes that things were different. But would I really wanna change all of this?

And yet. Why is it that sometimes, your life is constantly filled with so many things, so many events, so many people and yet you can't help but feel lonelier than before? Too many things that you can't tell others. You can't share coz its either confidential, or you're afraid that things are boring, or you now sometimes its hard for people to understand. Somtimes, everyday feels like a battle. Everyday feels like time of your years and days that past and you wonder where its been. Sometimes you wonder if you've enjoyed it.

Reality of it, you do enjoy it. But you can't help but wonder why do you delve into a world such as this. Where there will come a time where you feel like you cannot trust anything and anyone. where you wish that your life revolves around something more than just uni and meetings.

You soon realise that no one understands why is it that you wanna go out. Just to spend a random day out that does not revolve around uni and/meetings. Or outings that actually takes place on a random day and not a continuation of your day after Uni. Days that are separate from your already hectic schedule.

You wish. You wish & you wish. You realise that... you're lonelier than before.

Life Decisions

Everyday I hope I won't be a failure to those who have had so much faith in me.

Everyday I try to think positive but I do not deny that there are days where it takes a toll on my conscience.

what am i suppose to do? what am i suppose to decide? what am i suppose to say? oh god.

I wanna extend it but at the same time. I'm just worried about everything else. the money. especially the money.

I'm scared.

Its Exams again

Apparently each time i choose to blog its exams.

I'm stressed out but my actions are showing everything but the fact that I'm stressed. Funny isn't it?

I think I'm having the final year syndrome. The fact that I do not have another semester 2, and I'm scared shitless. Scared that I would not be able to complete the module and clear it. AUD700 is something that I do not have to extend a visa. I'm so scared. SO SO Scared.

I wanna burst into tears but there's nothing flowing.
I wanna study but I honestly lack the motivation to do so.
I wanna sit under my blanket but unfortunately I do not have the luxury to do so.

I can't seem to breathe properly and all I wanna do is sleep. Despite the more than enough sleep I've been getting which is surprising for the time period that we are in. But yeah.

I need to sit still and do stuff. I need to do it. But I can't seem to sit still. I wanna do everything else except study. EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'm so close to the end but what am I doing really? Is it because of the fact that i've been so busy that I honestly really do want a break? Hmmm,

The Letter.

When October is around the corner. Somewhere, somehow, the letter you wrote me the day I turned 22nd tends to resurface. Re-reading the letter  never failed to make me see how long ago we were. How we were once upon a time. How it feels that we were a dream that sometimes I wasn't sure happened.

Re-reading the letter, shows the promises that's broken. Re-reading the letter, makes me wonder if they were just words.

Once I cried so much over those words; thinking how unfair life was. The following year, I cried over missing you. The year after that, I cried at how we were at that point of time. 6 years later since that letter was written, I read it and tears flowed. I wasn't sobbing as I did previously. I was just crying at the love that's once were. I was just crying at the friendship that is now destroyed.

One day. I will shed a single tear for it and nothing else. Just a single tear. One day.

Winter is coming...

Post conference. Post Exams. Post Elections.

Conference was a blast. Honestly, 12months ago, I never would have thought that I will be attending CISA Conference again. My stint on Student Council was over and I had nothing related to students in general related to me. 

No doubt I hold various other executive positions but who am I really to be sponsored to attend the conference. But hey, I got elected through a by election about 2 and half months ago as their National Equity Officer... and fast forward... here I am today.

Conference happened 3 days after I finished my exams (to the panic of my assistant - she was getting anxious with worry and not known to me then, she was having sleepless nights). I was the social events coordinator for this year's conference. LOL. Never saw that coming! It wasn't ideal but it was something we all had to deal with, especially with it being in Adelaide. A rollercoaster ride both emotionally and mentally. I will always be grateful for Rachel, who was appointed as my Executive Assistant about 4 weeks before the conference. 

With the sleepless nights from conference planning, executive duties, and studying for exams; I was no doubt ready to pull my hair out. All I could think about during exams were international students and floor plans and things I  need to remind my assistant about. 

But the brain is a wonderful thing. Masya Allah. God's greatest creation is the human brain. I don't know how I managed to sit through an exam, write a paper that has no relation whatsoever with social events, psychology, international students, sponsors and stakeholders. I sat through a law exam distracted with so many things flowing around my head. 

I got my results a couple of days back. To my absolute surprise, I cleared the subjects that I didn't think I would clear and even did way better than I expected in some of them. O God, thank you for bestowing me with one of your greatest creation. Thank you for making me from the genetic pool of people with above average intelligence. Thank you. 

While I may not have the grades of some student leaders with HDs and DNs, I am still grateful of my grades despite my busy schedule running around with student involvement. It would have been picture perfect tho, wouldn't you think? With an impressive result slip, student involvement, the works. But I know myself, its not that I'm incapable of that, I am just lazy. Plain and simple. I go the distance for others but more often than not, I do not do the same for myself. 

The next semester is the beginning of my final year. FINAL YEAR. soon it will be graduation again and what the future has in store for me? I do not know. Its going to be an interesting year as I have aimed to score much better to push my GPA and at the same time I have been re-elected as the National Equity Officer 2014/2015 and there's lots coming this way.

I thank god for every single thing that has come my way. The good, the bad, the regrets. Life lessons. Life sometimes teaches you the hardest lessons at the most unsuspecting times. But that's just how God works; subtle ways.

Can't breathe.

Corporate Law exams tmr.

I'm still stuck on the biggest chapter of the module. I feel like crying. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. 

Intimidating is not an insult, or is it?

I have always known that I am independent, at times intimidating and very stubborn. It comes from the years of drilling myself to strive for the better, to do nothing but the best and do not settle for anything less.

Someone shouldn't tell me that for my own sake and for the sake of my future husband and marriage, i should change. I should be softer and more amiable to be controlled.

Well, Fuck you. I'm a modern independent woman brought up by a strong independent woman. There's no way i would insult myself, my mother and my upbringing that way.

Of Week 4 and Semester 1

Everyday is a battle. Its only been about a week since I got back but I have no choice but to hit the ground running. Its hard. I still feel sleep deprived from the wedding, the travels and obviously I still have residual anxieties from leaving home.

This is my 6th year here (OMG IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG... WHUT?) And every year leaving never gets easier. Simply coz I know while this is my life and I should really be living for myself, I know that I will be missing life simple surprises and news and events and you know that after awhile, distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

There was a conversation about aging the other day with a couple of people... Honestly, I've never really thought much about aging. I've never thought Oh shit i'm gonna get old, wrinkly and die soon. I'm impatient to end my studying life coz yes, i'm getting older and still unemployed. Mainly also coz there's so many things that I wanna do which could only be done once i'm earning.

I wanna live a life that's fulfilling. That's empowering. That's powerful and influential. I wanna be that lady i've read in storybooks. I want to be the one that makes enough to make a difference not just in my life but in the life of others.

Everyday is a personal battle between wanting to giving it up and thinking if this is all worth it and trying to keep the burning flame in my heart alive. Maybe its been too long that i've been studying. Studying is not gratifying. You have to halt your life to fulfill a certification. You experience live differently and of course, you see everything else from a far; waiting and hoping for the day that it'll be your turn.

Someone asked me if i wanna continue my Masters after this... I'd say nope. Not at the moment. I have to many things I wanna do in live... My Masters will have to wait, for now.

2014 and its possibilities...

Have this urge to blog. But I don't know what to write. Where to start. Where do you begin? Trying to restart a habit that sort of died suddenly.

I was watching drop dead diva just now. Jane Bingum, the main character, keeps on jumping out at me as a direct reflection of myself.

I'm not really doing much today. Even though, truthfully, i have loads to do. Just a couple more weeks before I fly off. So many things still left undone.

2014 will be a huge year for me. Its my final lap.

I'm the events coordinatior of Flinders University Harry Potter Society (FUHPS). Actually, I am also the head of house of Slytherin for FUHPS too. I have yet to create a house page.

I am the Social Rep for Flinders University Singapore Students Association (FUSSA). Looks like its gonna be a big year for them too. I have yet to revamp our website.

I am also Lily's executive assistant in Council of International Students Australia (CISA) this year. After last year's disastrous elections, i'm happy that she got a position even though we both ran for it. There are thoughts and talks of me running for VP again this coming year. But, we'll see what this year will bring.

Just a couple of days ago, I got inducted into a new position. I'm the current Flinders University Representative on the Australia - Singapore Law Students Society (AUSLSS).

Its a big year for me, no doubt. And without a doubt, i miss being on Student Council. Last year, they were my family. They managed to let me forget the random homesickness. They became my family away from home. I miss them, for sure.

The other day I saw that there are by-elections going on. I was tempted. But at the same time, I know it is best for me to stay away from it for now and maybe move on to bigger things. Things that are no longer focused on the local surrounding.

Australia has always been so so kind for me. Law school has been even more kinder. filled with the most amazing and the most wonderful of friends. Life since entering law school has been busier. Life since I made the decision to do things for me coz I am more worth it than I ever given myself credit for. Life since you finished has shown me that I have kept myself from doing alot of things, kept myself back and hasnt allowed myself to show my worth, to be what i truly am.

One day soon I will write my summary on how wonderful 2013 has been for me. Despite all the fights, all the tears, there were pretty amazing things moments of my life that took place in 2013 and i'm definitely ever so grateful for that.

Love and other things...

I've developed a bad habit in recent years... That's my lack of updates on this blog. I don't know if time have gotten in the way of everything else but I just have not found the time to blog publicly, privately or even jot stuff down in my diaries.

Today I'm gonna write about LOVE.

I'm 27. An age where my the majority of my social circle have taken the step to move on to the next phase of their lives.

However, here I am. Single, available, not looking and somehow, totally unbothered about this whole relationship thing.

I went to a family friend's house the other day... Both mother and daughter have been crowned Mrs. Singapore Universe previously and it has been about 20years since i last saw them. Coz, i either have never bothered tagging my parents along to their house or I was never free to tag along prior to the visit a couple of days ago.

They were shock of course at the sight of me! Different, fully grown up and in their words, "so pretty!"

I never believed those words. Coming out of anyone. I try keeping a straight face, smile and politely say my thank yous. Well, you see. Growing up, even before i was this... ermm.. curvy, no one ever said i was pretty or beautiful. My mom says that of course. But hey, she's my mom. She's suppose to say all the nice things to me!! I was often told that I looked different. I was fat (even when i was slimmer). And that I have my nieces telling me that they didnt wanna be like me when they grow up coz, i'm not pretty... all that i am is smart.

It hurt at first. But after awhile... I decided to accept the fact that i'm not this pretty being. So i was fine with myself the way I am. But each time someone tells me i'm pretty or that i should try modelling... I tend to squirm uneasily. Coz in my head is all like "what is it that they see that i'm not seeing?!"

ANYWAYS. BACK TO MY STORY.

They started talking about love. How you should never rely on a man to support you coz you're capable on doing that on your own as a strong independent woman. I truly and totally agree with that. I mean c'mon. I AM single and NOT BOTHERED by it.

B told me this other thing... Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen. I grew quiet just thinking about it. Wouldn't such a treatment be subjective? Then I started looking back to that one serious relationship i had those years ago. Maybe she was right. Sometimes, you think the world of someone. Allowing them to smother you with affection to a point that you get blinded by their actions. I finally manage to take a look at the time with new eyes. Probably I am bias, with a strange friendship loyalty that I'm gonna say we were young then. But in reality, we were not that young.

Nevertheless, those words kept on repeating in my head for days. An echoing reminder. "Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen". But what does that entails really?

hmmm.

Of budget reports and other shitty things

I'm not one who complains much. Not one who complains easily. Not one who gets pissed off easily as well. I'm someone who is calm, cool and collected.

Recently, there was an event. I wasn't part of this event coz everything is up to the convener and I was too busy with Uni work anyways to be part of it. Even then, I was disastrously handing up late assignments coz of people who do not understand my sense of urgency. who thinks that their stuff were more important then mine.

But its ok. I'll deal with it. But I do not understand stupidity. You know what, I can't even tolerate it. Its just something I can never comprehend. Its tough being the position that I am in. Its hard. Really hard. But what can I do really?

People are gonna make mistakes and who ever that screws up isn't doing anything to rectify it. Why am I being too responsible? Why am I the one apologizing as if I'm the one in-charge?

Being a leader means taking one for the team. even though you're not at fault. So why is that person me? When the event was in another officer's campaign portfolio? I am annoyed. A leader have supporters that are uniquely loyal to them. Why do I have it and not him?

Its pissing me off. this entire thing. Sometimes, I don't know if i'm doing the right thing going through elections again. After all this.

Alot of things has happened since the last update of 1st March on this blog.

I'm glad life has taken a 360 degree change for me. I'm glad and grateful. There's so many things I would like to blog about.... but I'm not really sure where to begin... and i am truly tired post refresher week.

Just an update to whoever is still reading my blog... I'm on Student Council rite now... Yes you've read it right! :)

One day.

Never thought the day would come where I would have left home with a heavy heart. Well, surprise! it did. So much going on back home. So much opportunities. So much love for me. 

I have to accept the fact that I there are people in my life that i have to let go. People that one day i will grow apart from. Never thought that the day will come so soon. So fast. So early. Not when i'm still in my 20s.

Every time the topic of that came up, you get defensive. I get irritated and everyone else just don't understand what's going on. 

Maybe I'm still sore about it brought forward from the conversation we had before i left for Singapore. I agreed that we needed a break. I can't do whatever this is anymore. The irritation and disappointment i had from my birthday to now is still there. I didn't text you the whole time and only replied whenever I felt like. I no longer feel the loyalty i once had. Even though i know for a fact that I still will do anything for you when the time comes for me to do it.

It hurts. This realization. But at least, my life was fuss free. I noticed how much more valuable I was to the world. How much people actually thought of me. How well others treated me. The long awaited break from you was something I truly needed. But at the same time, I wondered... why couldn't you do the same? Treat me with the same respect, the same loyalty, the same courtesy as other pple do. 

Then I thought to myself.. but that wouldn't be you... would it? 

That conversation we had with your friend on wednesday. Yes, it was apparent how my words was laced with my frustration and irritation with you. But by the time we met my niece, i felt bad about it. We had a conversation once about how you would try to be better. and how you would do things that you do.. and how and what you think of the other...

I forgot to apologize for my irritation that night. Maybe my pride was in the way that I conveniently forgot about it. 

But here I am, telling you I know why you do the things that you do. Coz if you wanted me to see someone or know someone and you were comfortable with it then you would have done it a long time ago. Its just who you are. I can't change who you are and you know that I never will do that. Coz truthfully, while I am hurt and disappointed by you. Rite now, i don't really care. so yeah.

Of Birthdays and Celebrations

My Birthday came and went. Its been about a week since the 25th of October.

Of Trusts and Disappointments.

There's only one reason why i cry. Being helpless.

I am not one that cry easily coz to me crying is a sign of weakness. I hate showing the world I cry coz i've learnt the hard way that showing the world your weakness means that they have every reason to use it against you one day.

I do not trust easily. I do not trust pple since i was very young. Contrary to popular belief by alot of morons here in Aust, its not coz i came from an oppressive cultural and religious background. I swear some people are so misinformed by the media they think that only this country is forward.

I come from a first world asian country. do you really think that i'm oppresed? that i do not trust men coz of my religious circumstances? such ill-informed morons some places are made up off, i swear. but i digress.

being helpless comes in many forms. the form where i am frustrated coz it seemed that you didn't understand is one of it.

I was hurt. Insulted and disappointed.

Somehow, I am not surprised if you still do not know why. I've been thinking about the conversation we had last thursday. Somehow, the only thing that came to my mind was: I think we need a break. I don't know if that's the wisest thing to do.. but maybe i'll need to sleep on it...

That conversation... I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, I don't know what is it you want. Did you think my problem was really with you seeing someone? Did you honestly think that? what are we? 5? Maybe that would be your reaction if I were to tell you that i'm seeing someone.. I don't know. Why are you always so worried about what i think or what others think of me? What exactly have i done for you to constantly undermine me? Why is it that you always feel the need to protect me? Is this really protection?

The problem we had or have always had has never involved anyone else. It has always been us. You and me. I hope you realised that now.

Sometimes i feel as if we're going in a neverending circle. Its always the same. Different day, different story, same problem.

There are days where i have always felt as if i know you so much better than you knew me. And i told myself, how is that possible? considering what we've been through. you must at least get away with something about me. But, judging from the conversation we had the other day, apparently not and my suspicions have always been right.

Everytime when i am unhappy with you, i think to myself. the difference between us is that; i care and you don't. How unfortunate of it that you proved it right that night. You confirmed it with your own words. And yet, you were clueless why i was upset.

Is this a joke? Coz, i ain't laughing.

There's so many reasons that would have made me leave but I only stay coz of one simple reason. And I can bet you right now, you have no idea what it is.

How easily things slipped your  mind. How trivial am i?

Unfortunately, alot of things have happened lately that I AM still upset, hurt and disappointed despite that conversation. I'm not someone who easily forgives and forgets coz life hasn't always been a bed of roses for me. So yes, I am still upset with you. I am still hurt with you. I am still disappointed with you. You know why? Coz of trust. My trust in you is wavering. that's why. And it won't be so easy to get it back.

You've treated me like shit. You asked me for a chance for you to make things right. I hope that you are aware of the full extent of what's happening between us. What I'm really feeling right now. The fact that i am utterly and truly upset. What you're gonna do, I don't know. But I hope you do know that its gonna take me awhile to come around this time round.

It hurts me to say this but... I'm still here but it doesn't mean that I trust you. I'm sorry.

Of Dreams and Illusions

What is a dream really? An illusion or is it something your heart desires but refuses to admit it when you're awake? Is it the perfect alternate reality?

Awake at 5.38am, and not coz i was unable to sleep. I had an extremely good night's rest to the point that I can't sleep any further.

--------------
It was dark. Familiar voices filled the air. A kiss that woke me from the slumber that i was longing for the whole day. Somehow, my subconscious tells me it isn't real. Visions filled my mind. I can't seem to distinct what is real and what is not. Disjointed memories and snippets of reality combined together in a heady wave of nostalgia. 

Of Discrimination and Prejudices

Lately, there has been lots of incidences in relation to racial discrimination in Singapore. Many find it appalling in a multi racial society like ours... but truth be told, have we always been free of discriminatory remarks or racially derogatory statements?

We find it ok if we were to make sarcastic remarks in jest regarding our own race and yet, we find it insulting if a member of the other racial group were to make such a remark about us.

The hard truth is that, we are an extremely young country. A young country that has progressed way beyond its expectations on the platform of the world. We're like an artist; that has grown under the scrutiny of the media and every single action, mistake, and bad decisions has its repercussions. Inevitably, along with expectations come judgement.

We judge. It comes to us as second nature. We judge the decisions of other countries. We judge the actions of our neighbours. We even judge the outlook of our friends. That is just human nature.

Despite what many choose to believe, we pledge ourselves 'as one united people, regardless of race language or religion to build a democratic society based on justice and equality'. we are still far from fulfilling our own national pledge.

Why? Racially and culturally, we have come a long way from where we started... but ultimately, the youthfulness of the nation still cry aloud for everyone to hear. 

Among the younger generation, like you and me. We have friends from different racial group that we have grown to care for, extremely fond of, or in some cases: have fallen in love with. Majority of the time, race is no longer an issue amongst us. Sometimes, it still is among the older generations. People wonder why the older generation have to make such remarks when they should be at the mental capacity to think otherwise... 

My family has been lucky to have always lived in an area where our neighbours were not Malays. When I meant lucky, i meant that we were allowed to show others who and what we are without judgement. For them to be able to get to know us and change whatever preconceived views they previously had. 

But, the truth is... for most of them, growing up they saw the malays as the poorer counterpart of the society. Unable to get an education, giving up on life and giving in to drugs, etc. How were they gonna change their views based on what they grew up to see? Further, those with parents who have seen such things, will naturally tell their children to stay away?

I mean, wouldn't you? tell your children to stay away from drug addicts and alcoholics and lowly educated people who just sat around doing nothing all day. Even though all these exists among the poorer people in each race, unfortunately, it became a starking stereotypical picture that is prominent in ours. 

My family has been very open about inter racial relationships (unfortunately, not everyone is as welcoming).. Mainly coz, we're from a very diversed ancestral line. However, my IC states that I am Malay. And that is what I identify with. I'm Malay, and proud of it. <- even though that is not always the case with some Malays. Some are embarrassed to be Malays coz of the very same reason our chinese or indian friends said.

I have been in an inter racial relationship.. and it ended mainly due to his parents being against me. For who I am. A malay girl. To them, Malays are poor and stupid. Definitely a huge insult to my family and I. But these still happen in the society we live in... It is hard to change the views of someone who has spent their whole lives thinking that way. You can't change the way your mother or grandmother thinks. Especially when they have thought that way for a good 30 - 40years. You definitely can't change a perception set in stone overnight.

Growing up, i have always fought to prove people wrong. to show them that i am not just any kind of melayu. I am a different malay. One that came from a different upbringing with different perspective and different dreams in life. And yet, sometimes, it felt like a never ending battle. But how many of us are like this? Fighting to make a difference. Striving to change the world. Hoping for a day where views will change.

The people I know, my other malay friends... they're different. They have high flying jobs. Live in higher end of the property market. Excelling in their studies and careers. Strive to make a difference in our society. Unfortunately, they are but a handful of malays. For every step forward one tries to make, sometimes, people do stuff that make the whole community take 2 steps back. 

Let's be honest here. Even if you're telling me that you've never made a racist remark regarding another race. Don't tell me you've never made one regarding your own... There are situations where you just go "Oh. how typical.. What do you expect of s/he? they're that kind of (insert race) what." I'm gonna be candid here. Even I have been guilty of that.

While some remarks are definitely uncalled for... the truth is.. things hasn't changed among each community for others to eliminate the possibility of saying hurtful things about you. 

I mean, if things have noticeably improved... people wouldn't still think that we are poor, stupid or lazy, would they? *shrugs*

sometimes, it takes a situation that gets out of hand for the community to realise that racism still exist among us. We have just been subtle about it and survived by being ignorant of the obvious... Until, of course, a slip like this. 

While I do get put off by the remarks made by people out of frustration:- who make it seem as though they're living out of an era when my grandmother first stepped onto that island, where vegetables were 5cents a kilo. I tend to wonder, were they left behind at some point in our progress towards the future? Are their world still in black and white while ours have arrived in 3D? *sighs* (even then, i tend to wonder, in which year was a wedding ever 50bucks? i know very well my parents spent a bomb and so did my grandparents...)

Unfortunately, its not just us. It exists in every country.

Life.

4years ago, i wanted this law degree. fought for it. cried for it. never dreamt of doing anything else other than it. Left home, did everything i could to come here and here i am today.

Alot of things have changed since 4 years ago. I have experienced the world the way I never thought I will. Went to Australia. Lived in Adelaide - the most boring place imaginable to a city born and bred. Did a degree I never thought I will. Met some amazing people. Made friends. Opened my eyes to a society which was so different from how I was brought up with. A society that never cared about how old you are but nevertheless, see your skin colour and wonder what you are. Sometimes, i find that they're a strange group of people... but i'm pretty sure to them, i am strange. I got my driving license - who would have thought? a South Australian Driving license... I definitely never thought of that when i was growing up. Went to China for an internship. Met some incredible people. Made unforgettable friends. Memorable life-changing experiences. Graduated from BA. Worried myself shitless about my life plans. Got rejected from various unis. Got accepted to law school, here.

4 years ago. I told myself. I can do it, its just 3 years of suffering and then i'll be able to do that degree that i've always wanted. every year that was what i told myself to get myself through the daily grind and the constant questions why did i not do something even more interesting... That 3years came to an end. and now i'm where i've wanted to be.

Of course alot of things have changed since then. environment. social. financial. and me included.

The year have flew past in a blink of an eye. One moment i was pondering over the law school's offer letter and the next i'm about a month away from my 2nd semester's exams. a year has passed since i was in law school. 2.5 more years to go and i'll be out in the workforce.

Truthfully,I never understood what it was with lawyers who told me that they enjoyed law school and did not enjoy the working life. To be honest, I am the reverse. I never enjoyed law school. not back when i was in TP and definitely not now. School is a chore. If you wanna know when i ever enjoyed my education? it was in high school. Math, english literature, art... they were subjects that allowed your mind to be taken over, swayed into a world you never thought existed.

Back in Singapore, i most probably survived law school coz of the coursemates that I was surrounded with.. You have about 2 and 1/2 kind of law students. The nerds, geeks and those where life outside school never existed and they most probably know the pages of various paragraphs of a law textbook better than the routes of the various bus number. OR. You have the slackers, the ones that never bothered about classes but nonetheless get through law school to the disgust of the nerds Then, you have someone like me. the 1/2. the reason why i refer to as 1/2 coz we're a species that is rare to come by in a law school. The species that does not fit in. The species that crave for a social life, the species that looks at fashion magazines, talk about music, the latest trends, coloured lenses and designer brands... and when turning up in school, looked like a fashion or media major instead of a law student. Unfortunately, to the disgust of the nerds as well who wondered why does the faculty let such an abomination, like us, on the pedestal known as the law school.

Back in singapore, you do not really feel so different. Coz everyone speaks the same language. I'm not talking about english. I'm talking about the sarcasm, the wit, the slang. We were 2 and 1/2 kinds of law students that had the same wavelength who flocked together. The wit of the law students were charming, funny, annoying and moronically insensitive at times. But we knew the essence of it and no one minded. coz it was afterall, said in jest.

Somehow, here, i'm not sure which is it? Is it the age difference? Is it the culture? But how can wit be so disjointed in that sense? How can i be the one giggling to myself at the subtle sarcasm that the law lecturers throw to the class and receive a familiar smile in return, while the rest of the class sits and stares at me wondering why one earth am i grinning like the chesire cat... Sarcasm and wit is no longer humorous once it has to be explained. Just saying.

I've wondered for 3 yrs, what if when i finally arrive at the one thing i've been coveting, i'll ask myself.. is this all there is to it? Unfortunately, i'm already asking myself that. Here i am, at a point of my life where i've been dreaming so much about... and i'm thinking to myself, what now? is this all? How can something i've been chasing be so.. erm.. unchallenging? Lack of a better description. I am so afraid that in 2.5 years when I am finally working at i have no idea where in a country which i have not decided about, i'm just gonna sit there as a lawyer and go.. holy shit. is this all?

I have never regretted the past 4years. Never once. But I couldn't help thinking that if I did something else instead of the bachelor of arts, maybe i would not even bothered going for the law degree. I'm at a point where i'm constantly afraid that i'll be the biggest disappointment to my mom and myself. And it seems as if its a feeling I can't seem to shake off. *sighs*

Of girly temptations and dolls.

I've always been a girl of many interests. And many does not know but I am a Barbie Doll collector. Falling in love with Barbie came about when I walked through a Barbie Exhibition at Raffles Shopping Centre, Singapore and fell hopelessly in love with the extravagant costumes and hairdo. That was when I wanted to be a fashion designer.

I would say, I have quite a number of dolls in my collection. However, Bob Mackie is a designer i've grown to love ever since i delve into the world of doll collecting.

Therefore, i'm just putting up a list of barbies that I intend to get either from him or other designers for my reference.

Bob Mackie Circus Barbie Doll (Release Date: 15/10/2010) - Gold Label

Bob Mackie Countess Dracula Barbie Doll (Release Date: 4/10/2011) - Gold Label

Bob Mackie Fantasy Goddess of Africa Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1999) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Fantasy Goddess of Asia Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1998) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Goddess of the Sun Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1995) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Golden Legacy Barbie Doll (Release Date: 7/10/2009) - Gold Label

Bob Mackie Le Papillon Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1999) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Madame Du Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1997) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Moon Goddess Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1996) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Neptune Fantasy Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1992) - Timeless Treasures

Bob Mackie Queen of Hearts Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1994) - 

Bob Mackie The Tango Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/1999) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Goddess of the Americas Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Fantasy Goddess of The Arctic Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/9/2001) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Lady Liberty Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Limited Edition

Bob Mackie Lady of the Unicorns Barbie Doll (Release Date: 15/2/2008) - Gold Label

Bob Mackie Radiant Redhead Barbie Doll (Release Date: 2/3/2002) - Limited Edition

The other designer that i'm obsessed with is Byron Lars... I have one of the barbie doll designed by him from the Treasures of Africa Collection, but of course, these are the other 4 from the collection that I will be tracking down...

Tatu Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/4/2003) - Limited Edition

Moja Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/9/2001) - Limited Edition

Nne Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/6/2004) - Limited Edition

Tano Barbie Doll (Release Date: 2/6/2005) - Gold Label

And these are the random dolls that are non designers that I will be tracking down...

Water Lily Barbie Doll [From the Artist Collection] (Release Date: 1/1/1997) - Limited Edition

Morning Sun Princess Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Collector Edition

Midnight Moon Princess Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Collector Edition

Evening Star Princess Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Collector Edition

Barbie as Athena (Release Date: 18/2/2010) - Gold Label

Barbie as Aphrodite (Release Date: 1/6/2009) - Gold Label

Barbie as Medusa (Release Date: 1/6/2008) - Gold Label

Dancing Fire Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Limited Edition

Empress of the Aliens Barbie Doll (Release Date: 14/6/2012) - Gold Label

The Mermaid Barbie Doll (Release Date: 9/2/2012) - Gold Label

Goddess of the Galaxy Barbie Doll (Release Date: 16/6/2011) - Gold Label

Barbie Doll as Cleopatra (Release Date: 12/8/2010) - Gold Label

The Scarlet Macaw Barbie Doll (Release Date: 20/11/2008) - Gold Label

The Pirate Barbie Doll (Release Date: 14/8/2007) - Gold Label

Enchanted Mermaid Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/11/2001) - Limited Edition

Maiko Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/12/2005) - Gold Label

Wind Rider Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/8/2006) - Gold Label

Empress of the Golden Blossom Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/10/2008) - Gold Label

Marie Antoinette Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/8/2003) - Limited Edition

The Iris Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/3/2002) - Limited Edition

The Orchid Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/5/2001) - Limited Edition

The Rose Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/3/2001) - Limited Edition [Can't remember but I might already have this doll... have to go check!]

Lady Camille Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/2/2003) - Limited Edition

Mademoiselle Isabelle Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/08/2002) - Limited Edition

Exotic Beauty Barbie Doll (Release Date: 1/11/2002) - Collector Edition

Barbie Doll as Catwoman (Release Date: 1/12/2003) - Collector Edition

Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra (Release Date: 1/1/2000) - Timeless Treasures

Thats about all.. so if anyone wanna sell any of the abovementioned barbies, feel free to leave a comment in my comment box... =) Of course, I will only consider a reasonably priced doll... and friends who can't seem to decide on what to get me for my birthday... getting me any of the dolls above is more than welcome! MUAHAHAHAHHAHA!!