Of Trusts and Disappointments.

There's only one reason why i cry. Being helpless.

I am not one that cry easily coz to me crying is a sign of weakness. I hate showing the world I cry coz i've learnt the hard way that showing the world your weakness means that they have every reason to use it against you one day.

I do not trust easily. I do not trust pple since i was very young. Contrary to popular belief by alot of morons here in Aust, its not coz i came from an oppressive cultural and religious background. I swear some people are so misinformed by the media they think that only this country is forward.

I come from a first world asian country. do you really think that i'm oppresed? that i do not trust men coz of my religious circumstances? such ill-informed morons some places are made up off, i swear. but i digress.

being helpless comes in many forms. the form where i am frustrated coz it seemed that you didn't understand is one of it.

I was hurt. Insulted and disappointed.

Somehow, I am not surprised if you still do not know why. I've been thinking about the conversation we had last thursday. Somehow, the only thing that came to my mind was: I think we need a break. I don't know if that's the wisest thing to do.. but maybe i'll need to sleep on it...

That conversation... I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, I don't know what is it you want. Did you think my problem was really with you seeing someone? Did you honestly think that? what are we? 5? Maybe that would be your reaction if I were to tell you that i'm seeing someone.. I don't know. Why are you always so worried about what i think or what others think of me? What exactly have i done for you to constantly undermine me? Why is it that you always feel the need to protect me? Is this really protection?

The problem we had or have always had has never involved anyone else. It has always been us. You and me. I hope you realised that now.

Sometimes i feel as if we're going in a neverending circle. Its always the same. Different day, different story, same problem.

There are days where i have always felt as if i know you so much better than you knew me. And i told myself, how is that possible? considering what we've been through. you must at least get away with something about me. But, judging from the conversation we had the other day, apparently not and my suspicions have always been right.

Everytime when i am unhappy with you, i think to myself. the difference between us is that; i care and you don't. How unfortunate of it that you proved it right that night. You confirmed it with your own words. And yet, you were clueless why i was upset.

Is this a joke? Coz, i ain't laughing.

There's so many reasons that would have made me leave but I only stay coz of one simple reason. And I can bet you right now, you have no idea what it is.

How easily things slipped your  mind. How trivial am i?

Unfortunately, alot of things have happened lately that I AM still upset, hurt and disappointed despite that conversation. I'm not someone who easily forgives and forgets coz life hasn't always been a bed of roses for me. So yes, I am still upset with you. I am still hurt with you. I am still disappointed with you. You know why? Coz of trust. My trust in you is wavering. that's why. And it won't be so easy to get it back.

You've treated me like shit. You asked me for a chance for you to make things right. I hope that you are aware of the full extent of what's happening between us. What I'm really feeling right now. The fact that i am utterly and truly upset. What you're gonna do, I don't know. But I hope you do know that its gonna take me awhile to come around this time round.

It hurts me to say this but... I'm still here but it doesn't mean that I trust you. I'm sorry.

Of Dreams and Illusions

What is a dream really? An illusion or is it something your heart desires but refuses to admit it when you're awake? Is it the perfect alternate reality?

Awake at 5.38am, and not coz i was unable to sleep. I had an extremely good night's rest to the point that I can't sleep any further.

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It was dark. Familiar voices filled the air. A kiss that woke me from the slumber that i was longing for the whole day. Somehow, my subconscious tells me it isn't real. Visions filled my mind. I can't seem to distinct what is real and what is not. Disjointed memories and snippets of reality combined together in a heady wave of nostalgia. 

Of Discrimination and Prejudices

Lately, there has been lots of incidences in relation to racial discrimination in Singapore. Many find it appalling in a multi racial society like ours... but truth be told, have we always been free of discriminatory remarks or racially derogatory statements?

We find it ok if we were to make sarcastic remarks in jest regarding our own race and yet, we find it insulting if a member of the other racial group were to make such a remark about us.

The hard truth is that, we are an extremely young country. A young country that has progressed way beyond its expectations on the platform of the world. We're like an artist; that has grown under the scrutiny of the media and every single action, mistake, and bad decisions has its repercussions. Inevitably, along with expectations come judgement.

We judge. It comes to us as second nature. We judge the decisions of other countries. We judge the actions of our neighbours. We even judge the outlook of our friends. That is just human nature.

Despite what many choose to believe, we pledge ourselves 'as one united people, regardless of race language or religion to build a democratic society based on justice and equality'. we are still far from fulfilling our own national pledge.

Why? Racially and culturally, we have come a long way from where we started... but ultimately, the youthfulness of the nation still cry aloud for everyone to hear. 

Among the younger generation, like you and me. We have friends from different racial group that we have grown to care for, extremely fond of, or in some cases: have fallen in love with. Majority of the time, race is no longer an issue amongst us. Sometimes, it still is among the older generations. People wonder why the older generation have to make such remarks when they should be at the mental capacity to think otherwise... 

My family has been lucky to have always lived in an area where our neighbours were not Malays. When I meant lucky, i meant that we were allowed to show others who and what we are without judgement. For them to be able to get to know us and change whatever preconceived views they previously had. 

But, the truth is... for most of them, growing up they saw the malays as the poorer counterpart of the society. Unable to get an education, giving up on life and giving in to drugs, etc. How were they gonna change their views based on what they grew up to see? Further, those with parents who have seen such things, will naturally tell their children to stay away?

I mean, wouldn't you? tell your children to stay away from drug addicts and alcoholics and lowly educated people who just sat around doing nothing all day. Even though all these exists among the poorer people in each race, unfortunately, it became a starking stereotypical picture that is prominent in ours. 

My family has been very open about inter racial relationships (unfortunately, not everyone is as welcoming).. Mainly coz, we're from a very diversed ancestral line. However, my IC states that I am Malay. And that is what I identify with. I'm Malay, and proud of it. <- even though that is not always the case with some Malays. Some are embarrassed to be Malays coz of the very same reason our chinese or indian friends said.

I have been in an inter racial relationship.. and it ended mainly due to his parents being against me. For who I am. A malay girl. To them, Malays are poor and stupid. Definitely a huge insult to my family and I. But these still happen in the society we live in... It is hard to change the views of someone who has spent their whole lives thinking that way. You can't change the way your mother or grandmother thinks. Especially when they have thought that way for a good 30 - 40years. You definitely can't change a perception set in stone overnight.

Growing up, i have always fought to prove people wrong. to show them that i am not just any kind of melayu. I am a different malay. One that came from a different upbringing with different perspective and different dreams in life. And yet, sometimes, it felt like a never ending battle. But how many of us are like this? Fighting to make a difference. Striving to change the world. Hoping for a day where views will change.

The people I know, my other malay friends... they're different. They have high flying jobs. Live in higher end of the property market. Excelling in their studies and careers. Strive to make a difference in our society. Unfortunately, they are but a handful of malays. For every step forward one tries to make, sometimes, people do stuff that make the whole community take 2 steps back. 

Let's be honest here. Even if you're telling me that you've never made a racist remark regarding another race. Don't tell me you've never made one regarding your own... There are situations where you just go "Oh. how typical.. What do you expect of s/he? they're that kind of (insert race) what." I'm gonna be candid here. Even I have been guilty of that.

While some remarks are definitely uncalled for... the truth is.. things hasn't changed among each community for others to eliminate the possibility of saying hurtful things about you. 

I mean, if things have noticeably improved... people wouldn't still think that we are poor, stupid or lazy, would they? *shrugs*

sometimes, it takes a situation that gets out of hand for the community to realise that racism still exist among us. We have just been subtle about it and survived by being ignorant of the obvious... Until, of course, a slip like this. 

While I do get put off by the remarks made by people out of frustration:- who make it seem as though they're living out of an era when my grandmother first stepped onto that island, where vegetables were 5cents a kilo. I tend to wonder, were they left behind at some point in our progress towards the future? Are their world still in black and white while ours have arrived in 3D? *sighs* (even then, i tend to wonder, in which year was a wedding ever 50bucks? i know very well my parents spent a bomb and so did my grandparents...)

Unfortunately, its not just us. It exists in every country.

Life.

4years ago, i wanted this law degree. fought for it. cried for it. never dreamt of doing anything else other than it. Left home, did everything i could to come here and here i am today.

Alot of things have changed since 4 years ago. I have experienced the world the way I never thought I will. Went to Australia. Lived in Adelaide - the most boring place imaginable to a city born and bred. Did a degree I never thought I will. Met some amazing people. Made friends. Opened my eyes to a society which was so different from how I was brought up with. A society that never cared about how old you are but nevertheless, see your skin colour and wonder what you are. Sometimes, i find that they're a strange group of people... but i'm pretty sure to them, i am strange. I got my driving license - who would have thought? a South Australian Driving license... I definitely never thought of that when i was growing up. Went to China for an internship. Met some incredible people. Made unforgettable friends. Memorable life-changing experiences. Graduated from BA. Worried myself shitless about my life plans. Got rejected from various unis. Got accepted to law school, here.

4 years ago. I told myself. I can do it, its just 3 years of suffering and then i'll be able to do that degree that i've always wanted. every year that was what i told myself to get myself through the daily grind and the constant questions why did i not do something even more interesting... That 3years came to an end. and now i'm where i've wanted to be.

Of course alot of things have changed since then. environment. social. financial. and me included.

The year have flew past in a blink of an eye. One moment i was pondering over the law school's offer letter and the next i'm about a month away from my 2nd semester's exams. a year has passed since i was in law school. 2.5 more years to go and i'll be out in the workforce.

Truthfully,I never understood what it was with lawyers who told me that they enjoyed law school and did not enjoy the working life. To be honest, I am the reverse. I never enjoyed law school. not back when i was in TP and definitely not now. School is a chore. If you wanna know when i ever enjoyed my education? it was in high school. Math, english literature, art... they were subjects that allowed your mind to be taken over, swayed into a world you never thought existed.

Back in Singapore, i most probably survived law school coz of the coursemates that I was surrounded with.. You have about 2 and 1/2 kind of law students. The nerds, geeks and those where life outside school never existed and they most probably know the pages of various paragraphs of a law textbook better than the routes of the various bus number. OR. You have the slackers, the ones that never bothered about classes but nonetheless get through law school to the disgust of the nerds Then, you have someone like me. the 1/2. the reason why i refer to as 1/2 coz we're a species that is rare to come by in a law school. The species that does not fit in. The species that crave for a social life, the species that looks at fashion magazines, talk about music, the latest trends, coloured lenses and designer brands... and when turning up in school, looked like a fashion or media major instead of a law student. Unfortunately, to the disgust of the nerds as well who wondered why does the faculty let such an abomination, like us, on the pedestal known as the law school.

Back in singapore, you do not really feel so different. Coz everyone speaks the same language. I'm not talking about english. I'm talking about the sarcasm, the wit, the slang. We were 2 and 1/2 kinds of law students that had the same wavelength who flocked together. The wit of the law students were charming, funny, annoying and moronically insensitive at times. But we knew the essence of it and no one minded. coz it was afterall, said in jest.

Somehow, here, i'm not sure which is it? Is it the age difference? Is it the culture? But how can wit be so disjointed in that sense? How can i be the one giggling to myself at the subtle sarcasm that the law lecturers throw to the class and receive a familiar smile in return, while the rest of the class sits and stares at me wondering why one earth am i grinning like the chesire cat... Sarcasm and wit is no longer humorous once it has to be explained. Just saying.

I've wondered for 3 yrs, what if when i finally arrive at the one thing i've been coveting, i'll ask myself.. is this all there is to it? Unfortunately, i'm already asking myself that. Here i am, at a point of my life where i've been dreaming so much about... and i'm thinking to myself, what now? is this all? How can something i've been chasing be so.. erm.. unchallenging? Lack of a better description. I am so afraid that in 2.5 years when I am finally working at i have no idea where in a country which i have not decided about, i'm just gonna sit there as a lawyer and go.. holy shit. is this all?

I have never regretted the past 4years. Never once. But I couldn't help thinking that if I did something else instead of the bachelor of arts, maybe i would not even bothered going for the law degree. I'm at a point where i'm constantly afraid that i'll be the biggest disappointment to my mom and myself. And it seems as if its a feeling I can't seem to shake off. *sighs*