Friday, March 01, 2013
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
There's only one reason why i cry. Being helpless.
I am not one that cry easily coz to me crying is a sign of weakness. I hate showing the world I cry coz i've learnt the hard way that showing the world your weakness means that they have every reason to use it against you one day.
I do not trust easily. I do not trust pple since i was very young. Contrary to popular belief by alot of morons here in Aust, its not coz i came from an oppressive cultural and religious background. I swear some people are so misinformed by the media they think that only this country is forward.
I come from a first world asian country. do you really think that i'm oppresed? that i do not trust men coz of my religious circumstances? such ill-informed morons some places are made up off, i swear. but i digress.
being helpless comes in many forms. the form where i am frustrated coz it seemed that you didn't understand is one of it.
I was hurt. Insulted and disappointed.
Somehow, I am not surprised if you still do not know why. I've been thinking about the conversation we had last thursday. Somehow, the only thing that came to my mind was: I think we need a break. I don't know if that's the wisest thing to do.. but maybe i'll need to sleep on it...
That conversation... I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, I don't know what is it you want. Did you think my problem was really with you seeing someone? Did you honestly think that? what are we? 5? Maybe that would be your reaction if I were to tell you that i'm seeing someone.. I don't know. Why are you always so worried about what i think or what others think of me? What exactly have i done for you to constantly undermine me? Why is it that you always feel the need to protect me? Is this really protection?
The problem we had or have always had has never involved anyone else. It has always been us. You and me. I hope you realised that now.
Sometimes i feel as if we're going in a neverending circle. Its always the same. Different day, different story, same problem.
There are days where i have always felt as if i know you so much better than you knew me. And i told myself, how is that possible? considering what we've been through. you must at least get away with something about me. But, judging from the conversation we had the other day, apparently not and my suspicions have always been right.
Everytime when i am unhappy with you, i think to myself. the difference between us is that; i care and you don't. How unfortunate of it that you proved it right that night. You confirmed it with your own words. And yet, you were clueless why i was upset.
Is this a joke? Coz, i ain't laughing.
There's so many reasons that would have made me leave but I only stay coz of one simple reason. And I can bet you right now, you have no idea what it is.
How easily things slipped your mind. How trivial am i?
Unfortunately, alot of things have happened lately that I AM still upset, hurt and disappointed despite that conversation. I'm not someone who easily forgives and forgets coz life hasn't always been a bed of roses for me. So yes, I am still upset with you. I am still hurt with you. I am still disappointed with you. You know why? Coz of trust. My trust in you is wavering. that's why. And it won't be so easy to get it back.
You've treated me like shit. You asked me for a chance for you to make things right. I hope that you are aware of the full extent of what's happening between us. What I'm really feeling right now. The fact that i am utterly and truly upset. What you're gonna do, I don't know. But I hope you do know that its gonna take me awhile to come around this time round.
It hurts me to say this but... I'm still here but it doesn't mean that I trust you. I'm sorry.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Awake at 5.38am, and not coz i was unable to sleep. I had an extremely good night's rest to the point that I can't sleep any further.
It was dark. Familiar voices filled the air. A kiss that woke me from the slumber that i was longing for the whole day. Somehow, my subconscious tells me it isn't real. Visions filled my mind. I can't seem to distinct what is real and what is not. Disjointed memories and snippets of reality combined together in a heady wave of nostalgia.
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
Saturday, October 06, 2012
Alot of things have changed since 4 years ago. I have experienced the world the way I never thought I will. Went to Australia. Lived in Adelaide - the most boring place imaginable to a city born and bred. Did a degree I never thought I will. Met some amazing people. Made friends. Opened my eyes to a society which was so different from how I was brought up with. A society that never cared about how old you are but nevertheless, see your skin colour and wonder what you are. Sometimes, i find that they're a strange group of people... but i'm pretty sure to them, i am strange. I got my driving license - who would have thought? a South Australian Driving license... I definitely never thought of that when i was growing up. Went to China for an internship. Met some incredible people. Made unforgettable friends. Memorable life-changing experiences. Graduated from BA. Worried myself shitless about my life plans. Got rejected from various unis. Got accepted to law school, here.
4 years ago. I told myself. I can do it, its just 3 years of suffering and then i'll be able to do that degree that i've always wanted. every year that was what i told myself to get myself through the daily grind and the constant questions why did i not do something even more interesting... That 3years came to an end. and now i'm where i've wanted to be.
Of course alot of things have changed since then. environment. social. financial. and me included.
The year have flew past in a blink of an eye. One moment i was pondering over the law school's offer letter and the next i'm about a month away from my 2nd semester's exams. a year has passed since i was in law school. 2.5 more years to go and i'll be out in the workforce.
Truthfully,I never understood what it was with lawyers who told me that they enjoyed law school and did not enjoy the working life. To be honest, I am the reverse. I never enjoyed law school. not back when i was in TP and definitely not now. School is a chore. If you wanna know when i ever enjoyed my education? it was in high school. Math, english literature, art... they were subjects that allowed your mind to be taken over, swayed into a world you never thought existed.
Back in Singapore, i most probably survived law school coz of the coursemates that I was surrounded with.. You have about 2 and 1/2 kind of law students. The nerds, geeks and those where life outside school never existed and they most probably know the pages of various paragraphs of a law textbook better than the routes of the various bus number. OR. You have the slackers, the ones that never bothered about classes but nonetheless get through law school to the disgust of the nerds Then, you have someone like me. the 1/2. the reason why i refer to as 1/2 coz we're a species that is rare to come by in a law school. The species that does not fit in. The species that crave for a social life, the species that looks at fashion magazines, talk about music, the latest trends, coloured lenses and designer brands... and when turning up in school, looked like a fashion or media major instead of a law student. Unfortunately, to the disgust of the nerds as well who wondered why does the faculty let such an abomination, like us, on the pedestal known as the law school.
Back in singapore, you do not really feel so different. Coz everyone speaks the same language. I'm not talking about english. I'm talking about the sarcasm, the wit, the slang. We were 2 and 1/2 kinds of law students that had the same wavelength who flocked together. The wit of the law students were charming, funny, annoying and moronically insensitive at times. But we knew the essence of it and no one minded. coz it was afterall, said in jest.
Somehow, here, i'm not sure which is it? Is it the age difference? Is it the culture? But how can wit be so disjointed in that sense? How can i be the one giggling to myself at the subtle sarcasm that the law lecturers throw to the class and receive a familiar smile in return, while the rest of the class sits and stares at me wondering why one earth am i grinning like the chesire cat... Sarcasm and wit is no longer humorous once it has to be explained. Just saying.
I've wondered for 3 yrs, what if when i finally arrive at the one thing i've been coveting, i'll ask myself.. is this all there is to it? Unfortunately, i'm already asking myself that. Here i am, at a point of my life where i've been dreaming so much about... and i'm thinking to myself, what now? is this all? How can something i've been chasing be so.. erm.. unchallenging? Lack of a better description. I am so afraid that in 2.5 years when I am finally working at i have no idea where in a country which i have not decided about, i'm just gonna sit there as a lawyer and go.. holy shit. is this all?
I have never regretted the past 4years. Never once. But I couldn't help thinking that if I did something else instead of the bachelor of arts, maybe i would not even bothered going for the law degree. I'm at a point where i'm constantly afraid that i'll be the biggest disappointment to my mom and myself. And it seems as if its a feeling I can't seem to shake off. *sighs*
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I would say, I have quite a number of dolls in my collection. However, Bob Mackie is a designer i've grown to love ever since i delve into the world of doll collecting.
Therefore, i'm just putting up a list of barbies that I intend to get either from him or other designers for my reference.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
there are many things that I've been doing in my life... some more out there than others... so I've decided that i should just post something here...
I've started something with a friend... something that many have urged me to do when i was in Singapore full time (once upon a time)...
i love it, this thing I've started... the intricacies, the whirlwind of buzz, the journey, witnessing new beginnings and being a part of it...
i am also proud to say that i'm good at it.
what is it you may ask? welllllll.....
I've started a wedding planning service. i would prefer to refer to myself as a wedding coordinator... or maybe a PA to the bride..
don't you think every bride needs one? someone who specifically deals with her wedding related schedule... making sure things are done right in their absence and catered to in accordance to their taste, specifications, requests and personal style...
So I've launched Jitters & Smiles and I'm proud to say its mine.
Granted, I've not have that many bookings as I've been here in Australia... but trust me. Let that not deter you from engaging our services as I have a base back home in singapore that will be ready to cater to your bridely needs... :-)
So don't hesitate to email us at jittersandsmiles@Gmail.com
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A conditional offer from the university of Birmingham was received this morning... I was shocked beyond words... I've been waiting for a UK offer... been waiting for it for so long!! And now that it is here, I have so many things that needs further clarification... so many.
I've been dreaming of UK ever since that trip to UK when I was 14... a trip that changed my life... a trip that left a huge impression on me... I've always wanted to be there... 12 years have passed since then.
Circumstances have changed.
People don't stay the same and yet,
The dream of UK lives on...
What is with that country that pulls me in as so? Filled with adventures that one could only imagine...
So here, I will weigh out my circumstances again. Just like lady justice balancing out her scales...
Friday, June 22, 2012
I'm here right now. here. and well. happy too. surprising isn't it? me? happy with uni. its been such a long time..