Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Its been close to 3 months since i've returned. My life has changed but at the same time it is pretty much the same. It is mostly aimless routine going around as boredom takes over me. What am i doing really? I'm comfortable here but at the same time i'm unfamiliar. It is an odd feeling that's constantly swirling about inside. 

I don't know when life will change again. Do I miss it? Yes, i do. But its hard isn't it to admit it out loud without sounding like an ungrateful lil shit... I don't want my family to think that I prefer living out there over being at home. But I don't know... Oh well. 

Do I miss a whole other life that I used to have? yes. Do I miss the people there? Yes. Everytime you think you're gonna be fine... you're really not. You're hiding a huge part of yourself coz you feel bad admitting it out loud. 

There was an unexpected turn of events from the individual from there and i find myself surprised and somewhat intrigued. At the same time, i also find myself wondering about it and thinking about it. but it is what it is for now and all i'm doing is enjoying the texts.

Friday, October 20, 2017

Thoughts

Towards the end of this journey, I met so many new wonderful individuals which will make parting even harder.

A friendship was created under the most unexpected circumstances. The care, concern and loyalty that rose from here were surprising. I never thought that i would get so much love within such a short period of time. 

is my heart heavier? yes. It is. My heart. oh my heart. Be still my heart. Be still dear one. I will overcome this. I will as I usually do with everything else. 

There were situations that occurred which made me alittle relieved that this wasn't gonna go further but as the curiosity peaked, so did my interest and, as per my suspicion, so did the other. Friends have mentioned to me before that if it were to proceed further, they would not mind it as they believe the compatibility between these 2 individuals. The mind did wonder off to it sometimes. The recent silence is now alittle past the first moon. Apparently, silence wasn't exclusive. It extended further into the other parts of its social environment leaving most in wonderment of its absence. I've been asked if issues arise from the start of a certain acquaintance. however, I, myself am unsure of the reasons behind the absence. I was even surprised that I was asked if that acquaintance resulted in a certain heartbreak that left the other in a corner. I did not realised we have arrived to such a conclusion. What were exchanged? I was curious but at the same time I halted myself from such curiosity as I myself am unsure of these inner thoughts circling within. No, curiosity ain't opportune at this instance. i do not have the luxury of such thoughts. I do not. Yet, my heart flutters alitte while my mind wanders. And then I open my eyes to reality thus refraining myself as i look back on the footprints that has been made and the blank canvas in front of me...

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Time.

Time.

Another fascinating 4-letter words. Another word so self-defining. So resolute. So final.

Sometimes, you sit here and watch as time passes you by and you don't feel a thing. You don't feel as you age unconsciously. Every single day. Every single minute.

And then you wait, for something to happen. Something life-altering. Something close to a miracle. You wait. And you take a chance on it coz you don't know when it will arrive.

Every single day. The same thing but a different time.

is it right to be where i am right now? at this time? this moment?

One wonders if i'm waiting for a miracle of sorts. A time for someone to tell me to encourage me to take that leap of faith and i'll... jump.

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

When you feel nothing at all.

I'm finally back from New Zealand (yup, mom gave me that as this year's birthday present. Who would have thought hey?)

And i am finally back into the world after finally being able to sleep properly in the last 24hours. WHEEE - i mean seriously who would have thought that is not even 1pm yet!!

I will definitely put my a post on my trip to  New Zealand but honestly... I HAVENT EVEN UPLOAD A POST ON MY TRIP TO MT BULLER! AND THAT'S AN EVEN SHORTER TRIP THAN NEW ZEALAND! GOSH!

its been a week since i'm back and guess what i've been up to. Nothing. LOL!

So yesterday, close to midnight, i had a thought to myself - I'm not doing anything. Why am I even here?

Then it dawned on me, I actually have no idea why am I even here. Hmmm.

I mean yes, there's small ongoing projects here and there that i am doing but there's really nothing on the bigger picture. You know? Oh well.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

Life in Adelaide (for the past 7 years)

I was thinking about it today and I dont know why... I never actually blogged about my daily escapades in Adelaide before. Like you know, the daily life here, the initial adjustments. when I was an international student. Life as an International student in Adelaide, South Australia. You know? Somewhere that is so different than back home...

I was just looking through some pics on my phone and I'm just thinking to myself, why didnt I ever post any of those...

hmmmm

anyways, I will do a post on my random trip a couple of weeks back k! right now... i just feel like falling asleep...

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The world we live in...

We're entering July and the last 6 months of 2016 seems to show us that 2016 hasn't really been a good year has it?

With Syria, ISIS, Orlando, Paris, Turkey, Brexit...

Sometimes I wonder whether have I lived too long a life to have witnessed all of this happening in this world. But... I am still a few months away from 30. 30 is not even an age where one could say that they have lived a lifetime. You know what I mean?

Growing up, I never thought I would one day witness a world such as one all of us are living in today. So full of turmoil, discrimination, and sometimes... hate.

a 4 letter word... so simple and yet withholding a non-varying definition. One can never try to define hate any other way than what it is. Hate. So resolute. So absolute. So final.

I hope the world will heal soon as we progress into the 2nd half of the year.

about 5 more days till the end of Ramadhan. How time flies.

Salam to all my muslim readers (if any). Hopefully, this Ramadhan has been a fulfilling one for all of you. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Its a cold Autumn night

Its been raining alot this entire week. The most rain I've ever seen in Adelaide in the last 6 Autumns.

6 Autumns. Imagine that?

It is 5.30am right now, I intended to go to the gym an hour ago but it was so cold I didn't wanna leave my blanket. Lol!

I'm at a very weird point of my life at the moment. The point where I am afraid to know what's in store for me. The point where I wonder everyday if I will make my family proud. The point where I search for what is success. The point where I would know if it is the correct step in the right direction. The point where I wonder am I still allowed to make mistakes. The point where I am scared to take action; any action.

Sometimes, being who you are and where you're from, you tend to wonder what was the driving force behind all of your decisions. I am definitely not isolated from such thoughts. Is there anyone that ever was?

As I looked out the windows into the darkness of the morning. Silent with the occassional passing cars. The dim orange glow of the street lamps. The cold air causing goosebumps on my arms. I find that it was strangely... calming. It calms this worried heart.

As I stare blankly, my mind wonders. About how thankful I am to god for giving me the opportunity to be where I am. About how I know that every night when I close my eyes, death temporarily occupies my body but leaves at daybreak coz god wants me to see what is there next and how I am grateful that each day is a gift. About what was written for me in this life.

Someone once told me that my life was written out for me even before I was created and born into this world. Don't you think that it is fascinating that everything you've done and said, currently doing and future has been planned. Everything. Every little thing.

Those days where I wonder if it was right for me to be here. Or what am I doing here. Or even what is life giving me here... after what that person told me; i wondered... was i always meant to do this and take this journey?

Being Singaporean, I realised that we spend our entire life studying. Now that I am at a point where I am not doing it anymore; i wonder what is then right or wrong. It is odd. This feeling of finally not doing anything.

In Singapore, you study for about half your life. Then you find a good job. Then you settle down and get married. Its like a set rule. Don't get me wrong... i have nothing against that. But then, I looked at myself and I realised i do not fit in a template. So does it mean I do not fit in a society where my family still reside?

It is hard here. I, honestly, can't deny or hide that. In Adelaide, looking for a job... I don't know where to begin. Every month, surviving the month.

When I was struggling through the life of a student, I told myself... it will end soon and I could strive again for the kind of financial status I left behind. Then uni ended and truthfully, life is harder than before.

But... I need to believe in myself even more now even though it is hard. I need to believe in my own worth even when faith in myself is wavering.

Coz... It won't always be hard.

I need to believe that. 😔

Friday, April 01, 2016

Late Night Musings

I had a conversation with her the other day telling me to resume what was. I told her, it is not up to me.

These past couple of days that I am alone again makes me wonder about everything. Past, present. future.

The question that comes to my head was: "What would I do when it comes a time where I will have to choose between you and someone else?"

My mind draws to a blank.

Sometimes. we're like the light and shadow. One could not exist without the other. But we're separate entity and yet, majority of the time we act as if it is Us Against The World. You and Me. 

I also realised that even though the years passed, the seasons have changed countless times and important people have walked out of my life... you still stood there against time. There. Whenever I turn, you're there. Whenever I pick up my phone, you're there. There. Apart from my mother, you're my only constant. My heart calms alittle in the thunderstorm knowing that.

But how do I tell my heart one day that... that is all that you are. A constant stranger.

Again, my mind draws a blank. A deafening resounding emptiness.

Friday, February 12, 2016

2016 be swinging in.

Happy belated Lunar New Year everyone!

It is the year of the fire monkeys and I am hoping that this year would be something to look forward too.

Can you believe it? I have came to the end of my time at Flinders and I have graduated from Law and Legal Practice.

What a journey it has been. I'm currently back in Adelaide to settle my life. Employment. PR status. Admission to the bar.

So many things. So little time...

Can't wait for positive outcomes and surprise beginnings.