Thursday, March 26, 2015

Searching for a little something

Sometimes I search for something. Sometimes I don't know what it is. Heck. Half the time I don't know what it is. Where to start. What to do. Where to look. When will it end. When will I find it.

It feels like I'm preparing for a year worth's of handover process. Its like my impending graduation is affecting everyone not just my immediate family members. I see organizations who are not willing to let me off the hook just yet. I see juniors who are craving for my insights, knowledge and contacts.

I like what I'm doing. Oh wth, let me just admit it. Albeit for some of the stupid people I've met, I actually really do love what I do. My involvement with CISA has been nothing but fulfilling to me on a personal level. The people I've met. The stories I've heard. What have I got to complain about? The people, they're amazing. the stories of students. The support people receive as a result of their involvement in this industry.

But I'm tired. I feel like I'm spread thin. I feel like I have so many things to do and my attention is everywhere and I can't concentrate and give my best on that one thing coz I have a million other things to do. Haiz. I wished sometimes that things were different. But would I really wanna change all of this?

And yet. Why is it that sometimes, your life is constantly filled with so many things, so many events, so many people and yet you can't help but feel lonelier than before? Too many things that you can't tell others. You can't share coz its either confidential, or you're afraid that things are boring, or you now sometimes its hard for people to understand. Somtimes, everyday feels like a battle. Everyday feels like time of your years and days that past and you wonder where its been. Sometimes you wonder if you've enjoyed it.

Reality of it, you do enjoy it. But you can't help but wonder why do you delve into a world such as this. Where there will come a time where you feel like you cannot trust anything and anyone. where you wish that your life revolves around something more than just uni and meetings.

You soon realise that no one understands why is it that you wanna go out. Just to spend a random day out that does not revolve around uni and/meetings. Or outings that actually takes place on a random day and not a continuation of your day after Uni. Days that are separate from your already hectic schedule.

You wish. You wish & you wish. You realise that... you're lonelier than before.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Life Decisions

Everyday I hope I won't be a failure to those who have had so much faith in me.

Everyday I try to think positive but I do not deny that there are days where it takes a toll on my conscience.

what am i suppose to do? what am i suppose to decide? what am i suppose to say? oh god.

I wanna extend it but at the same time. I'm just worried about everything else. the money. especially the money.

I'm scared.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Its Exams again

Apparently each time i choose to blog its exams.

I'm stressed out but my actions are showing everything but the fact that I'm stressed. Funny isn't it?

I think I'm having the final year syndrome. The fact that I do not have another semester 2, and I'm scared shitless. Scared that I would not be able to complete the module and clear it. AUD700 is something that I do not have to extend a visa. I'm so scared. SO SO Scared.

I wanna burst into tears but there's nothing flowing.
I wanna study but I honestly lack the motivation to do so.
I wanna sit under my blanket but unfortunately I do not have the luxury to do so.

I can't seem to breathe properly and all I wanna do is sleep. Despite the more than enough sleep I've been getting which is surprising for the time period that we are in. But yeah.

I need to sit still and do stuff. I need to do it. But I can't seem to sit still. I wanna do everything else except study. EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'm so close to the end but what am I doing really? Is it because of the fact that i've been so busy that I honestly really do want a break? Hmmm,

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The Letter.

When October is around the corner. Somewhere, somehow, the letter you wrote me the day I turned 22nd tends to resurface. Re-reading the letter  never failed to make me see how long ago we were. How we were once upon a time. How it feels that we were a dream that sometimes I wasn't sure happened.

Re-reading the letter, shows the promises that's broken. Re-reading the letter, makes me wonder if they were just words.

Once I cried so much over those words; thinking how unfair life was. The following year, I cried over missing you. The year after that, I cried at how we were at that point of time. 6 years later since that letter was written, I read it and tears flowed. I wasn't sobbing as I did previously. I was just crying at the love that's once were. I was just crying at the friendship that is now destroyed.

One day. I will shed a single tear for it and nothing else. Just a single tear. One day.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Winter is coming...

Post conference. Post Exams. Post Elections.

Conference was a blast. Honestly, 12months ago, I never would have thought that I will be attending CISA Conference again. My stint on Student Council was over and I had nothing related to students in general related to me. 

No doubt I hold various other executive positions but who am I really to be sponsored to attend the conference. But hey, I got elected through a by election about 2 and half months ago as their National Equity Officer... and fast forward... here I am today.

Conference happened 3 days after I finished my exams (to the panic of my assistant - she was getting anxious with worry and not known to me then, she was having sleepless nights). I was the social events coordinator for this year's conference. LOL. Never saw that coming! It wasn't ideal but it was something we all had to deal with, especially with it being in Adelaide. A rollercoaster ride both emotionally and mentally. I will always be grateful for Rachel, who was appointed as my Executive Assistant about 4 weeks before the conference. 

With the sleepless nights from conference planning, executive duties, and studying for exams; I was no doubt ready to pull my hair out. All I could think about during exams were international students and floor plans and things I  need to remind my assistant about. 

But the brain is a wonderful thing. Masya Allah. God's greatest creation is the human brain. I don't know how I managed to sit through an exam, write a paper that has no relation whatsoever with social events, psychology, international students, sponsors and stakeholders. I sat through a law exam distracted with so many things flowing around my head. 

I got my results a couple of days back. To my absolute surprise, I cleared the subjects that I didn't think I would clear and even did way better than I expected in some of them. O God, thank you for bestowing me with one of your greatest creation. Thank you for making me from the genetic pool of people with above average intelligence. Thank you. 

While I may not have the grades of some student leaders with HDs and DNs, I am still grateful of my grades despite my busy schedule running around with student involvement. It would have been picture perfect tho, wouldn't you think? With an impressive result slip, student involvement, the works. But I know myself, its not that I'm incapable of that, I am just lazy. Plain and simple. I go the distance for others but more often than not, I do not do the same for myself. 

The next semester is the beginning of my final year. FINAL YEAR. soon it will be graduation again and what the future has in store for me? I do not know. Its going to be an interesting year as I have aimed to score much better to push my GPA and at the same time I have been re-elected as the National Equity Officer 2014/2015 and there's lots coming this way.

I thank god for every single thing that has come my way. The good, the bad, the regrets. Life lessons. Life sometimes teaches you the hardest lessons at the most unsuspecting times. But that's just how God works; subtle ways.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Can't breathe.

Corporate Law exams tmr.

I'm still stuck on the biggest chapter of the module. I feel like crying. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do. 

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Intimidating is not an insult, or is it?

I have always known that I am independent, at times intimidating and very stubborn. It comes from the years of drilling myself to strive for the better, to do nothing but the best and do not settle for anything less.

Someone shouldn't tell me that for my own sake and for the sake of my future husband and marriage, i should change. I should be softer and more amiable to be controlled.

Well, Fuck you. I'm a modern independent woman brought up by a strong independent woman. There's no way i would insult myself, my mother and my upbringing that way.

Of Week 4 and Semester 1

Everyday is a battle. Its only been about a week since I got back but I have no choice but to hit the ground running. Its hard. I still feel sleep deprived from the wedding, the travels and obviously I still have residual anxieties from leaving home.

This is my 6th year here (OMG IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG... WHUT?) And every year leaving never gets easier. Simply coz I know while this is my life and I should really be living for myself, I know that I will be missing life simple surprises and news and events and you know that after awhile, distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

There was a conversation about aging the other day with a couple of people... Honestly, I've never really thought much about aging. I've never thought Oh shit i'm gonna get old, wrinkly and die soon. I'm impatient to end my studying life coz yes, i'm getting older and still unemployed. Mainly also coz there's so many things that I wanna do which could only be done once i'm earning.

I wanna live a life that's fulfilling. That's empowering. That's powerful and influential. I wanna be that lady i've read in storybooks. I want to be the one that makes enough to make a difference not just in my life but in the life of others.

Everyday is a personal battle between wanting to giving it up and thinking if this is all worth it and trying to keep the burning flame in my heart alive. Maybe its been too long that i've been studying. Studying is not gratifying. You have to halt your life to fulfill a certification. You experience live differently and of course, you see everything else from a far; waiting and hoping for the day that it'll be your turn.

Someone asked me if i wanna continue my Masters after this... I'd say nope. Not at the moment. I have to many things I wanna do in live... My Masters will have to wait, for now.

Monday, February 10, 2014

2014 and its possibilities...

Have this urge to blog. But I don't know what to write. Where to start. Where do you begin? Trying to restart a habit that sort of died suddenly.

I was watching drop dead diva just now. Jane Bingum, the main character, keeps on jumping out at me as a direct reflection of myself.

I'm not really doing much today. Even though, truthfully, i have loads to do. Just a couple more weeks before I fly off. So many things still left undone.

2014 will be a huge year for me. Its my final lap.

I'm the events coordinatior of Flinders University Harry Potter Society (FUHPS). Actually, I am also the head of house of Slytherin for FUHPS too. I have yet to create a house page.

I am the Social Rep for Flinders University Singapore Students Association (FUSSA). Looks like its gonna be a big year for them too. I have yet to revamp our website.

I am also Lily's executive assistant in Council of International Students Australia (CISA) this year. After last year's disastrous elections, i'm happy that she got a position even though we both ran for it. There are thoughts and talks of me running for VP again this coming year. But, we'll see what this year will bring.

Just a couple of days ago, I got inducted into a new position. I'm the current Flinders University Representative on the Australia - Singapore Law Students Society (AUSLSS).

Its a big year for me, no doubt. And without a doubt, i miss being on Student Council. Last year, they were my family. They managed to let me forget the random homesickness. They became my family away from home. I miss them, for sure.

The other day I saw that there are by-elections going on. I was tempted. But at the same time, I know it is best for me to stay away from it for now and maybe move on to bigger things. Things that are no longer focused on the local surrounding.

Australia has always been so so kind for me. Law school has been even more kinder. filled with the most amazing and the most wonderful of friends. Life since entering law school has been busier. Life since I made the decision to do things for me coz I am more worth it than I ever given myself credit for. Life since you finished has shown me that I have kept myself from doing alot of things, kept myself back and hasnt allowed myself to show my worth, to be what i truly am.

One day soon I will write my summary on how wonderful 2013 has been for me. Despite all the fights, all the tears, there were pretty amazing things moments of my life that took place in 2013 and i'm definitely ever so grateful for that.

Saturday, February 08, 2014

Love and other things...

I've developed a bad habit in recent years... That's my lack of updates on this blog. I don't know if time have gotten in the way of everything else but I just have not found the time to blog publicly, privately or even jot stuff down in my diaries.

Today I'm gonna write about LOVE.

I'm 27. An age where my the majority of my social circle have taken the step to move on to the next phase of their lives.

However, here I am. Single, available, not looking and somehow, totally unbothered about this whole relationship thing.

I went to a family friend's house the other day... Both mother and daughter have been crowned Mrs. Singapore Universe previously and it has been about 20years since i last saw them. Coz, i either have never bothered tagging my parents along to their house or I was never free to tag along prior to the visit a couple of days ago.

They were shock of course at the sight of me! Different, fully grown up and in their words, "so pretty!"

I never believed those words. Coming out of anyone. I try keeping a straight face, smile and politely say my thank yous. Well, you see. Growing up, even before i was this... ermm.. curvy, no one ever said i was pretty or beautiful. My mom says that of course. But hey, she's my mom. She's suppose to say all the nice things to me!! I was often told that I looked different. I was fat (even when i was slimmer). And that I have my nieces telling me that they didnt wanna be like me when they grow up coz, i'm not pretty... all that i am is smart.

It hurt at first. But after awhile... I decided to accept the fact that i'm not this pretty being. So i was fine with myself the way I am. But each time someone tells me i'm pretty or that i should try modelling... I tend to squirm uneasily. Coz in my head is all like "what is it that they see that i'm not seeing?!"

ANYWAYS. BACK TO MY STORY.

They started talking about love. How you should never rely on a man to support you coz you're capable on doing that on your own as a strong independent woman. I truly and totally agree with that. I mean c'mon. I AM single and NOT BOTHERED by it.

B told me this other thing... Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen. I grew quiet just thinking about it. Wouldn't such a treatment be subjective? Then I started looking back to that one serious relationship i had those years ago. Maybe she was right. Sometimes, you think the world of someone. Allowing them to smother you with affection to a point that you get blinded by their actions. I finally manage to take a look at the time with new eyes. Probably I am bias, with a strange friendship loyalty that I'm gonna say we were young then. But in reality, we were not that young.

Nevertheless, those words kept on repeating in my head for days. An echoing reminder. "Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen". But what does that entails really?

hmmm.