Saturday, March 29, 2014

Intimidating is not an insult, or is it?

I have always known that I am independent, at times intimidating and very stubborn. It comes from the years of drilling myself to strive for the better, to do nothing but the best and do not settle for anything less.

Someone shouldn't tell me that for my own sake and for the sake of my future husband and marriage, i should change. I should be softer and more amiable to be controlled.

Well, Fuck you. I'm a modern independent woman brought up by a strong independent woman. There's no way i would insult myself, my mother and my upbringing that way.

Of Week 4 and Semester 1

Everyday is a battle. Its only been about a week since I got back but I have no choice but to hit the ground running. Its hard. I still feel sleep deprived from the wedding, the travels and obviously I still have residual anxieties from leaving home.

This is my 6th year here (OMG IT HAS BEEN THAT LONG... WHUT?) And every year leaving never gets easier. Simply coz I know while this is my life and I should really be living for myself, I know that I will be missing life simple surprises and news and events and you know that after awhile, distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

There was a conversation about aging the other day with a couple of people... Honestly, I've never really thought much about aging. I've never thought Oh shit i'm gonna get old, wrinkly and die soon. I'm impatient to end my studying life coz yes, i'm getting older and still unemployed. Mainly also coz there's so many things that I wanna do which could only be done once i'm earning.

I wanna live a life that's fulfilling. That's empowering. That's powerful and influential. I wanna be that lady i've read in storybooks. I want to be the one that makes enough to make a difference not just in my life but in the life of others.

Everyday is a personal battle between wanting to giving it up and thinking if this is all worth it and trying to keep the burning flame in my heart alive. Maybe its been too long that i've been studying. Studying is not gratifying. You have to halt your life to fulfill a certification. You experience live differently and of course, you see everything else from a far; waiting and hoping for the day that it'll be your turn.

Someone asked me if i wanna continue my Masters after this... I'd say nope. Not at the moment. I have to many things I wanna do in live... My Masters will have to wait, for now.

Monday, February 10, 2014

2014 and its possibilities...

Have this urge to blog. But I don't know what to write. Where to start. Where do you begin? Trying to restart a habit that sort of died suddenly.

I was watching drop dead diva just now. Jane Bingum, the main character, keeps on jumping out at me as a direct reflection of myself.

I'm not really doing much today. Even though, truthfully, i have loads to do. Just a couple more weeks before I fly off. So many things still left undone.

2014 will be a huge year for me. Its my final lap.

I'm the events coordinatior of Flinders University Harry Potter Society (FUHPS). Actually, I am also the head of house of Slytherin for FUHPS too. I have yet to create a house page.

I am the Social Rep for Flinders University Singapore Students Association (FUSSA). Looks like its gonna be a big year for them too. I have yet to revamp our website.

I am also Lily's executive assistant in Council of International Students Australia (CISA) this year. After last year's disastrous elections, i'm happy that she got a position even though we both ran for it. There are thoughts and talks of me running for VP again this coming year. But, we'll see what this year will bring.

Just a couple of days ago, I got inducted into a new position. I'm the current Flinders University Representative on the Australia - Singapore Law Students Society (AUSLSS).

Its a big year for me, no doubt. And without a doubt, i miss being on Student Council. Last year, they were my family. They managed to let me forget the random homesickness. They became my family away from home. I miss them, for sure.

The other day I saw that there are by-elections going on. I was tempted. But at the same time, I know it is best for me to stay away from it for now and maybe move on to bigger things. Things that are no longer focused on the local surrounding.

Australia has always been so so kind for me. Law school has been even more kinder. filled with the most amazing and the most wonderful of friends. Life since entering law school has been busier. Life since I made the decision to do things for me coz I am more worth it than I ever given myself credit for. Life since you finished has shown me that I have kept myself from doing alot of things, kept myself back and hasnt allowed myself to show my worth, to be what i truly am.

One day soon I will write my summary on how wonderful 2013 has been for me. Despite all the fights, all the tears, there were pretty amazing things moments of my life that took place in 2013 and i'm definitely ever so grateful for that.

Saturday, February 08, 2014

Love and other things...

I've developed a bad habit in recent years... That's my lack of updates on this blog. I don't know if time have gotten in the way of everything else but I just have not found the time to blog publicly, privately or even jot stuff down in my diaries.

Today I'm gonna write about LOVE.

I'm 27. An age where my the majority of my social circle have taken the step to move on to the next phase of their lives.

However, here I am. Single, available, not looking and somehow, totally unbothered about this whole relationship thing.

I went to a family friend's house the other day... Both mother and daughter have been crowned Mrs. Singapore Universe previously and it has been about 20years since i last saw them. Coz, i either have never bothered tagging my parents along to their house or I was never free to tag along prior to the visit a couple of days ago.

They were shock of course at the sight of me! Different, fully grown up and in their words, "so pretty!"

I never believed those words. Coming out of anyone. I try keeping a straight face, smile and politely say my thank yous. Well, you see. Growing up, even before i was this... ermm.. curvy, no one ever said i was pretty or beautiful. My mom says that of course. But hey, she's my mom. She's suppose to say all the nice things to me!! I was often told that I looked different. I was fat (even when i was slimmer). And that I have my nieces telling me that they didnt wanna be like me when they grow up coz, i'm not pretty... all that i am is smart.

It hurt at first. But after awhile... I decided to accept the fact that i'm not this pretty being. So i was fine with myself the way I am. But each time someone tells me i'm pretty or that i should try modelling... I tend to squirm uneasily. Coz in my head is all like "what is it that they see that i'm not seeing?!"


They started talking about love. How you should never rely on a man to support you coz you're capable on doing that on your own as a strong independent woman. I truly and totally agree with that. I mean c'mon. I AM single and NOT BOTHERED by it.

B told me this other thing... Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen. I grew quiet just thinking about it. Wouldn't such a treatment be subjective? Then I started looking back to that one serious relationship i had those years ago. Maybe she was right. Sometimes, you think the world of someone. Allowing them to smother you with affection to a point that you get blinded by their actions. I finally manage to take a look at the time with new eyes. Probably I am bias, with a strange friendship loyalty that I'm gonna say we were young then. But in reality, we were not that young.

Nevertheless, those words kept on repeating in my head for days. An echoing reminder. "Never go for someone who doesn't treat you like a Queen". But what does that entails really?


Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Of budget reports and other shitty things

I'm not one who complains much. Not one who complains easily. Not one who gets pissed off easily as well. I'm someone who is calm, cool and collected.

Recently, there was an event. I wasn't part of this event coz everything is up to the convener and I was too busy with Uni work anyways to be part of it. Even then, I was disastrously handing up late assignments coz of people who do not understand my sense of urgency. who thinks that their stuff were more important then mine.

But its ok. I'll deal with it. But I do not understand stupidity. You know what, I can't even tolerate it. Its just something I can never comprehend. Its tough being the position that I am in. Its hard. Really hard. But what can I do really?

People are gonna make mistakes and who ever that screws up isn't doing anything to rectify it. Why am I being too responsible? Why am I the one apologizing as if I'm the one in-charge?

Being a leader means taking one for the team. even though you're not at fault. So why is that person me? When the event was in another officer's campaign portfolio? I am annoyed. A leader have supporters that are uniquely loyal to them. Why do I have it and not him?

Its pissing me off. this entire thing. Sometimes, I don't know if i'm doing the right thing going through elections again. After all this.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Alot of things has happened since the last update of 1st March on this blog.

I'm glad life has taken a 360 degree change for me. I'm glad and grateful. There's so many things I would like to blog about.... but I'm not really sure where to begin... and i am truly tired post refresher week.

Just an update to whoever is still reading my blog... I'm on Student Council rite now... Yes you've read it right! :)

Friday, March 01, 2013

One day.

Never thought the day would come where I would have left home with a heavy heart. Well, surprise! it did. So much going on back home. So much opportunities. So much love for me. 

I have to accept the fact that I there are people in my life that i have to let go. People that one day i will grow apart from. Never thought that the day will come so soon. So fast. So early. Not when i'm still in my 20s.

Every time the topic of that came up, you get defensive. I get irritated and everyone else just don't understand what's going on. 

Maybe I'm still sore about it brought forward from the conversation we had before i left for Singapore. I agreed that we needed a break. I can't do whatever this is anymore. The irritation and disappointment i had from my birthday to now is still there. I didn't text you the whole time and only replied whenever I felt like. I no longer feel the loyalty i once had. Even though i know for a fact that I still will do anything for you when the time comes for me to do it.

It hurts. This realization. But at least, my life was fuss free. I noticed how much more valuable I was to the world. How much people actually thought of me. How well others treated me. The long awaited break from you was something I truly needed. But at the same time, I wondered... why couldn't you do the same? Treat me with the same respect, the same loyalty, the same courtesy as other pple do. 

Then I thought to myself.. but that wouldn't be you... would it? 

That conversation we had with your friend on wednesday. Yes, it was apparent how my words was laced with my frustration and irritation with you. But by the time we met my niece, i felt bad about it. We had a conversation once about how you would try to be better. and how you would do things that you do.. and how and what you think of the other...

I forgot to apologize for my irritation that night. Maybe my pride was in the way that I conveniently forgot about it. 

But here I am, telling you I know why you do the things that you do. Coz if you wanted me to see someone or know someone and you were comfortable with it then you would have done it a long time ago. Its just who you are. I can't change who you are and you know that I never will do that. Coz truthfully, while I am hurt and disappointed by you. Rite now, i don't really care. so yeah.

Friday, November 02, 2012

Of Birthdays and Celebrations

My Birthday came and went. Its been about a week since the 25th of October.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Of Trusts and Disappointments.

There's only one reason why i cry. Being helpless.

I am not one that cry easily coz to me crying is a sign of weakness. I hate showing the world I cry coz i've learnt the hard way that showing the world your weakness means that they have every reason to use it against you one day.

I do not trust easily. I do not trust pple since i was very young. Contrary to popular belief by alot of morons here in Aust, its not coz i came from an oppressive cultural and religious background. I swear some people are so misinformed by the media they think that only this country is forward.

I come from a first world asian country. do you really think that i'm oppresed? that i do not trust men coz of my religious circumstances? such ill-informed morons some places are made up off, i swear. but i digress.

being helpless comes in many forms. the form where i am frustrated coz it seemed that you didn't understand is one of it.

I was hurt. Insulted and disappointed.

Somehow, I am not surprised if you still do not know why. I've been thinking about the conversation we had last thursday. Somehow, the only thing that came to my mind was: I think we need a break. I don't know if that's the wisest thing to do.. but maybe i'll need to sleep on it...

That conversation... I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes, I don't know what is it you want. Did you think my problem was really with you seeing someone? Did you honestly think that? what are we? 5? Maybe that would be your reaction if I were to tell you that i'm seeing someone.. I don't know. Why are you always so worried about what i think or what others think of me? What exactly have i done for you to constantly undermine me? Why is it that you always feel the need to protect me? Is this really protection?

The problem we had or have always had has never involved anyone else. It has always been us. You and me. I hope you realised that now.

Sometimes i feel as if we're going in a neverending circle. Its always the same. Different day, different story, same problem.

There are days where i have always felt as if i know you so much better than you knew me. And i told myself, how is that possible? considering what we've been through. you must at least get away with something about me. But, judging from the conversation we had the other day, apparently not and my suspicions have always been right.

Everytime when i am unhappy with you, i think to myself. the difference between us is that; i care and you don't. How unfortunate of it that you proved it right that night. You confirmed it with your own words. And yet, you were clueless why i was upset.

Is this a joke? Coz, i ain't laughing.

There's so many reasons that would have made me leave but I only stay coz of one simple reason. And I can bet you right now, you have no idea what it is.

How easily things slipped your  mind. How trivial am i?

Unfortunately, alot of things have happened lately that I AM still upset, hurt and disappointed despite that conversation. I'm not someone who easily forgives and forgets coz life hasn't always been a bed of roses for me. So yes, I am still upset with you. I am still hurt with you. I am still disappointed with you. You know why? Coz of trust. My trust in you is wavering. that's why. And it won't be so easy to get it back.

You've treated me like shit. You asked me for a chance for you to make things right. I hope that you are aware of the full extent of what's happening between us. What I'm really feeling right now. The fact that i am utterly and truly upset. What you're gonna do, I don't know. But I hope you do know that its gonna take me awhile to come around this time round.

It hurts me to say this but... I'm still here but it doesn't mean that I trust you. I'm sorry.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Of Dreams and Illusions

What is a dream really? An illusion or is it something your heart desires but refuses to admit it when you're awake? Is it the perfect alternate reality?

Awake at 5.38am, and not coz i was unable to sleep. I had an extremely good night's rest to the point that I can't sleep any further.

It was dark. Familiar voices filled the air. A kiss that woke me from the slumber that i was longing for the whole day. Somehow, my subconscious tells me it isn't real. Visions filled my mind. I can't seem to distinct what is real and what is not. Disjointed memories and snippets of reality combined together in a heady wave of nostalgia.