Wednesday, November 09, 2016

When you feel nothing at all.

I'm finally back from New Zealand (yup, mom gave me that as this year's birthday present. Who would have thought hey?)

And i am finally back into the world after finally being able to sleep properly in the last 24hours. WHEEE - i mean seriously who would have thought that is not even 1pm yet!!

I will definitely put my a post on my trip to  New Zealand but honestly... I HAVENT EVEN UPLOAD A POST ON MY TRIP TO MT BULLER! AND THAT'S AN EVEN SHORTER TRIP THAN NEW ZEALAND! GOSH!

its been a week since i'm back and guess what i've been up to. Nothing. LOL!

So yesterday, close to midnight, i had a thought to myself - I'm not doing anything. Why am I even here?

Then it dawned on me, I actually have no idea why am I even here. Hmmm.

I mean yes, there's small ongoing projects here and there that i am doing but there's really nothing on the bigger picture. You know? Oh well.


Thursday, August 25, 2016

Life in Adelaide (for the past 7 years)

I was thinking about it today and I dont know why... I never actually blogged about my daily escapades in Adelaide before. Like you know, the daily life here, the initial adjustments. when I was an international student. Life as an International student in Adelaide, South Australia. You know? Somewhere that is so different than back home...

I was just looking through some pics on my phone and I'm just thinking to myself, why didnt I ever post any of those...

hmmmm

anyways, I will do a post on my random trip a couple of weeks back k! right now... i just feel like falling asleep...

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The world we live in...

We're entering July and the last 6 months of 2016 seems to show us that 2016 hasn't really been a good year has it?

With Syria, ISIS, Orlando, Paris, Turkey, Brexit...

Sometimes I wonder whether have I lived too long a life to have witnessed all of this happening in this world. But... I am still a few months away from 30. 30 is not even an age where one could say that they have lived a lifetime. You know what I mean?

Growing up, I never thought I would one day witness a world such as one all of us are living in today. So full of turmoil, discrimination, and sometimes... hate.

a 4 letter word... so simple and yet withholding a non-varying definition. One can never try to define hate any other way than what it is. Hate. So resolute. So absolute. So final.

I hope the world will heal soon as we progress into the 2nd half of the year.

about 5 more days till the end of Ramadhan. How time flies.

Salam to all my muslim readers (if any). Hopefully, this Ramadhan has been a fulfilling one for all of you. 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Its a cold Autumn night

Its been raining alot this entire week. The most rain I've ever seen in Adelaide in the last 6 Autumns.

6 Autumns. Imagine that?

It is 5.30am right now, I intended to go to the gym an hour ago but it was so cold I didn't wanna leave my blanket. Lol!

I'm at a very weird point of my life at the moment. The point where I am afraid to know what's in store for me. The point where I wonder everyday if I will make my family proud. The point where I search for what is success. The point where I would know if it is the correct step in the right direction. The point where I wonder am I still allowed to make mistakes. The point where I am scared to take action; any action.

Sometimes, being who you are and where you're from, you tend to wonder what was the driving force behind all of your decisions. I am definitely not isolated from such thoughts. Is there anyone that ever was?

As I looked out the windows into the darkness of the morning. Silent with the occassional passing cars. The dim orange glow of the street lamps. The cold air causing goosebumps on my arms. I find that it was strangely... calming. It calms this worried heart.

As I stare blankly, my mind wonders. About how thankful I am to god for giving me the opportunity to be where I am. About how I know that every night when I close my eyes, death temporarily occupies my body but leaves at daybreak coz god wants me to see what is there next and how I am grateful that each day is a gift. About what was written for me in this life.

Someone once told me that my life was written out for me even before I was created and born into this world. Don't you think that it is fascinating that everything you've done and said, currently doing and future has been planned. Everything. Every little thing.

Those days where I wonder if it was right for me to be here. Or what am I doing here. Or even what is life giving me here... after what that person told me; i wondered... was i always meant to do this and take this journey?

Being Singaporean, I realised that we spend our entire life studying. Now that I am at a point where I am not doing it anymore; i wonder what is then right or wrong. It is odd. This feeling of finally not doing anything.

In Singapore, you study for about half your life. Then you find a good job. Then you settle down and get married. Its like a set rule. Don't get me wrong... i have nothing against that. But then, I looked at myself and I realised i do not fit in a template. So does it mean I do not fit in a society where my family still reside?

It is hard here. I, honestly, can't deny or hide that. In Adelaide, looking for a job... I don't know where to begin. Every month, surviving the month.

When I was struggling through the life of a student, I told myself... it will end soon and I could strive again for the kind of financial status I left behind. Then uni ended and truthfully, life is harder than before.

But... I need to believe in myself even more now even though it is hard. I need to believe in my own worth even when faith in myself is wavering.

Coz... It won't always be hard.

I need to believe that. 😔

Friday, April 01, 2016

Late Night Musings

I had a conversation with her the other day telling me to resume what was. I told her, it is not up to me.

These past couple of days that I am alone again makes me wonder about everything. Past, present. future.

The question that comes to my head was: "What would I do when it comes a time where I will have to choose between you and someone else?"

My mind draws to a blank.

Sometimes. we're like the light and shadow. One could not exist without the other. But we're separate entity and yet, majority of the time we act as if it is Us Against The World. You and Me. 

I also realised that even though the years passed, the seasons have changed countless times and important people have walked out of my life... you still stood there against time. There. Whenever I turn, you're there. Whenever I pick up my phone, you're there. There. Apart from my mother, you're my only constant. My heart calms alittle in the thunderstorm knowing that.

But how do I tell my heart one day that... that is all that you are. A constant stranger.

Again, my mind draws a blank. A deafening resounding emptiness.

Friday, February 12, 2016

2016 be swinging in.

Happy belated Lunar New Year everyone!

It is the year of the fire monkeys and I am hoping that this year would be something to look forward too.

Can you believe it? I have came to the end of my time at Flinders and I have graduated from Law and Legal Practice.

What a journey it has been. I'm currently back in Adelaide to settle my life. Employment. PR status. Admission to the bar.

So many things. So little time...

Can't wait for positive outcomes and surprise beginnings.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Throwback to the last couple of weeks...

I used to be a serial blogger. Blogging about fashion, food, and everything else in between!

Now, i'm a serial instagrammer and facebooker... O how much has changed...

Can't believe its 2 weeks from the end of semester. 2015 really did flew by in a blink of an eye... My April and May has been a whirlwind of activities.

Being the Convener of the Flinders University Multicultural Festival for the 2nd festival in a row has been an adventure and no doubt... an honour. I do not deny that I had to reduce my sleeping hours in my already busy schedule but lending a hand to this festival will always be something I am ready for.

I do not deny that FUMCF will always have a soft spot in my heart. Creating it 2 years ago to increase campus culture and student engagement while minimising the gap between international students and local students was the driving force behind this project. I wanted an event where students could just be themselves, have a good time and befriend fellow unimates.

Each organizing committee is different from the next and I do not deny that they are both special in their own way. I'm always so grateful for the support they've given me in spite of their busy uni schedules.

Then there was Melbourne trip. This year's CISA National Conference will be in Melbourne. Heading over to Melbourne about 3 weeks ago was interesting. Do not judge me for never being to Melbourne before this despite being in Australia for the last 6years... Meeting up with the rest was always good, catching up on how others have been in the other states, etc.

I also did not give up the opportunity to try out brunch spots after reading about it on a couple of friend's blog. LOL. I can't deny myself the opportunity of staring at picturesque plating of breakfast food...

It was also there that I launched the Equity Through Diversity campaign through my portfolio in tandem with the human rights commission's campaign and drawing inspiration from the Humans Of New York; only difference is that I'm hoping to catalogue and showcase the entire International Students Community in Australia. So for that... I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that it will be well received!

There's so many things left to do and with my term coming to an end in July, I am still toying with the idea of continuing... There's a couple of collaborations coming up throughout the year and I am happy and excited about all of it!

All in all, it is only May (coming to the end of it) but I am extremely grateful for all the people I've met in 2015.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Searching for a little something

Sometimes I search for something. Sometimes I don't know what it is. Heck. Half the time I don't know what it is. Where to start. What to do. Where to look. When will it end. When will I find it.

It feels like I'm preparing for a year worth's of handover process. Its like my impending graduation is affecting everyone not just my immediate family members. I see organizations who are not willing to let me off the hook just yet. I see juniors who are craving for my insights, knowledge and contacts.

I like what I'm doing. Oh wth, let me just admit it. Albeit for some of the stupid people I've met, I actually really do love what I do. My involvement with CISA has been nothing but fulfilling to me on a personal level. The people I've met. The stories I've heard. What have I got to complain about? The people, they're amazing. the stories of students. The support people receive as a result of their involvement in this industry.

But I'm tired. I feel like I'm spread thin. I feel like I have so many things to do and my attention is everywhere and I can't concentrate and give my best on that one thing coz I have a million other things to do. Haiz. I wished sometimes that things were different. But would I really wanna change all of this?

And yet. Why is it that sometimes, your life is constantly filled with so many things, so many events, so many people and yet you can't help but feel lonelier than before? Too many things that you can't tell others. You can't share coz its either confidential, or you're afraid that things are boring, or you now sometimes its hard for people to understand. Somtimes, everyday feels like a battle. Everyday feels like time of your years and days that past and you wonder where its been. Sometimes you wonder if you've enjoyed it.

Reality of it, you do enjoy it. But you can't help but wonder why do you delve into a world such as this. Where there will come a time where you feel like you cannot trust anything and anyone. where you wish that your life revolves around something more than just uni and meetings.

You soon realise that no one understands why is it that you wanna go out. Just to spend a random day out that does not revolve around uni and/meetings. Or outings that actually takes place on a random day and not a continuation of your day after Uni. Days that are separate from your already hectic schedule.

You wish. You wish & you wish. You realise that... you're lonelier than before.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Life Decisions

Everyday I hope I won't be a failure to those who have had so much faith in me.

Everyday I try to think positive but I do not deny that there are days where it takes a toll on my conscience.

what am i suppose to do? what am i suppose to decide? what am i suppose to say? oh god.

I wanna extend it but at the same time. I'm just worried about everything else. the money. especially the money.

I'm scared.