Its been raining alot this entire week. The most rain I've ever seen in Adelaide in the last 6 Autumns.
6 Autumns. Imagine that?
It is 5.30am right now, I intended to go to the gym an hour ago but it was so cold I didn't wanna leave my blanket. Lol!
I'm at a very weird point of my life at the moment. The point where I am afraid to know what's in store for me. The point where I wonder everyday if I will make my family proud. The point where I search for what is success. The point where I would know if it is the correct step in the right direction. The point where I wonder am I still allowed to make mistakes. The point where I am scared to take action; any action.
Sometimes, being who you are and where you're from, you tend to wonder what was the driving force behind all of your decisions. I am definitely not isolated from such thoughts. Is there anyone that ever was?
As I looked out the windows into the darkness of the morning. Silent with the occassional passing cars. The dim orange glow of the street lamps. The cold air causing goosebumps on my arms. I find that it was strangely... calming. It calms this worried heart.
As I stare blankly, my mind wonders. About how thankful I am to god for giving me the opportunity to be where I am. About how I know that every night when I close my eyes, death temporarily occupies my body but leaves at daybreak coz god wants me to see what is there next and how I am grateful that each day is a gift. About what was written for me in this life.
Someone once told me that my life was written out for me even before I was created and born into this world. Don't you think that it is fascinating that everything you've done and said, currently doing and future has been planned. Everything. Every little thing.
Those days where I wonder if it was right for me to be here. Or what am I doing here. Or even what is life giving me here... after what that person told me; i wondered... was i always meant to do this and take this journey?
Being Singaporean, I realised that we spend our entire life studying. Now that I am at a point where I am not doing it anymore; i wonder what is then right or wrong. It is odd. This feeling of finally not doing anything.
In Singapore, you study for about half your life. Then you find a good job. Then you settle down and get married. Its like a set rule. Don't get me wrong... i have nothing against that. But then, I looked at myself and I realised i do not fit in a template. So does it mean I do not fit in a society where my family still reside?
It is hard here. I, honestly, can't deny or hide that. In Adelaide, looking for a job... I don't know where to begin. Every month, surviving the month.
When I was struggling through the life of a student, I told myself... it will end soon and I could strive again for the kind of financial status I left behind. Then uni ended and truthfully, life is harder than before.
But... I need to believe in myself even more now even though it is hard. I need to believe in my own worth even when faith in myself is wavering.
Coz... It won't always be hard.
I need to believe that. 😔
