It is one of those moments where you don't know to feel upset, betrayed, disappointed or laugh at the clarity of the situation and the ridiculousness of the situation. Perhaps, all of the above?
And in this moment, all that appears in my head was just one word. Coward.
I don't think I've ever used this word to describe anyone and even more so, it was never a word that came to mind when I think of someone within a situation.
Coward.
cow.ard | \ 'kau'(-e)rd \
Definition: One who shows disgraceful fear or timidity
I feel guilt each time it is used to describe someone I know. But right now, that word is so apt that I can't seem to get it out of mind. It stays in bold. Blinking in caps as though a warning of war raiding through the air.
Cowardice.
cow.ard.ice | \ ' kau . (-e) r - des , dialectal - ( , ) dis \
Definition: Lack of courage or firmness of purpose
Through heartbreaks, I've always believed that it takes two to clap. And I do not deny that I still stand by that. In a clueless situation, where others have constantly told you that you did not do anything wrong, you still know you've contributed to it partially. But, under these circumstances, there's a whole lot of unknown variable that you're unaware of and assumptions are unhelpful.
It has been said that the true colours and character of a man reveals itself in the most trying of circumstances. The ultimate test. Like all tests in life, (academics, professional, or personal) there will be those who pass and those who fail. This is just the reality of life and nature taking its natural course.
I think as a person, I've always tried to be as fair and as unbiased as possible. Even though it does not always end in my favour. But this is one of my basic principle in life. Truthfully, it isn't always easy as the greed of man will always sneak into the corners of your man. I am human after all. I will always struggle with it but I am unafraid of standing by what is necessary and riding out the storm as one usually would.
Which also means, I am one of those rare people who would take every aspect of a situation into consideration. Of course, always to the dismay of my closest and dearest as difficult decisions may not always seem fair at first glance. Therefore, if conversations were had, none of this would have happened.
Coz if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have bothered crossing oceans then expecting an explanation which you've avoided.. As there was once, in the middle of it all, we had a really frank conversation and I did bluntly ask about lingering feelings or regrets since I would have been OK with it if they would want to return to what was. It would still have hurt, but I would not have been lost. As there are some things that were beyond my control. Feelings are one of those things.
I am a realist at the end of the day. I've gone through enough in this life to know what is worth it and what is not. I choose my battles wisely and I would not have wasted all those energy. time, emotions and money, if they were truthful.
Its funny isn't it? one expects honesty when they themselves refuse to give it. I was right when I had this nagging feeling as though I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I felt that they have always had one foot out the door.
My instincts were always strong but I told myself to try giving people a chance, to not be unfair to myself. This was the chance I've taken but, unfortunately, on someone who was undeserving.
Maybe it was your lack of self confidence speaking then or maybe it was the acceptance on your part of the clarity of what I am and what I deserve.
Coz they were definitely right about one thing:
"I don't deserve them. I deserve someone better. Someone who could give me everything and more and they were not that person."
Those words used to piss me off so bad. I may not be the most pious of Muslims. But there were many times in my life where I have just allowed God to guide my heart. Through healing, resilience, holding on to my will... And I know that even in my despair and questions, He has shown me the truth. has told me what to do. Everything that I have done before this that led to the end, was due to the urgent whispers in my heart telling me to do it. That it was necessary for me to test.
But right now, it has never been clearer that even they were right...
That I deserve someone better.