Whisperings of the heart

"I miss you."

It whispers softly in this silent night. Whispering through her being that it kept her awake as a tear unconsciously drop from her eyes.

This night more than the other nights. It misses you. It misses you so much that a sharp pang pierced through its wall. So painful, so real and she told her heart to stop. But her heart wouldn't listen. For tonight, her brain wouldn't either.

She forced herself to bed, but as she closed her eyes, images of him so vivid appeared before her. As though he was there.

She could practically hear his voice in her ear. She could even feel the warmth of his hands and the strength of his hugs. She could even hear the beatings of his heart.

On her lids, images of him replaying like a movie reel. His smile. The twinkle in his eyes as he plans to disturb her. And that same twinkle with a slight variation as they converse and he was about to burst into a huge laugh.

Those eyes. The kindness reflected within it always swept her away and into those deep brown pools.

The way his lashes flutter as he reached out for her in his sleep and that smile when his hand found hers as he fell further into slumber.

She stared at him as he slept. That image embedded in her mind as she traces his every feature with her finger memorising each curve, each wrinkle, each contour, each muscle and feel of his warm cheeks against her fingers. The feel of his whiskers between her fingers.

That same image replaying each time she closes her eyes. Oh this heart. This brain. This memory.

"Is this what love really is?"

She wondered to herself as the clock ticks further into the night. It's quarter to 4 in the morning now.

She needs the sleep. But now as she closes her eyes, all she could see is him. Staring at her as she rests. His eyes taking in and remembering everything about her. His fingers playing with her hair. And he whispered...

"I will never forget this. This, you beside me. Like this. This is perfect. It's what i want, always, with you."

His words as if just yesterday appeared in her ear. And she covered her ears.

"No. This is not real. None of this is real. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. Stop it. Stop. None of this is real."

She whispered to herself, telling her brain to grasp what is reality. Summoning her rational mind.

"Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over matter."

She stared into darkness. Her heart taking over her rational mind.

It's not letting go tonight, it seems.

"Come back to me!"

This heart never stops pleading in silent. She turns away and grab her pillows as she forces herself to bed.

Show me...

Have you ever wondered if anyone sees or notices anything?

On days where you appear to look just fine but your heart is quivering as it tries to hold on to all the pieces. Some of which are still missing and you're still trying to locate them. 

But this appearance you put on... As if nothing could bring you down. As if you're this fearless being that could take over the world. 

But when no one's looking, your eyes waver alittle. This shield you put up gets a little low on power.

You're holding on to what little resolve you have left and you wait. 

You wait for the day that this wouldn't feel so real anymore. You wait for the day that you find all the pieces and you officially close it off from anyone else. 

Letters to Juliet

I watched 'Letters to Juliet' today. Not gonna lie, it's one of my ultimate favourite romantic comedy movies.

Can't even remember how many times I've watched that movie since it aired. But tonight, my fingers unconsciously typed out those letters on Netflix and I watched it. Again. After all that time.

Wanna know what's my favourite scene? When the audience finally found out what was written in the letter to Claire from the Secretaries of Juliet.

 Dear Claire, 

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. 

All my love, Juliet


That whole letter is so relatable in any situation isn't it? What if. The two words that either holds back an individual or makes you fill with regret. 

And finding a love like Juliet's - love to cross oceans for. This. As I stared blankly into the screen, the lines resonated with me. Is it real? This act of courage and love? I ask myself as the scene unfolds further. Love to cross oceans for. Something so uncharacteristic to do and yet. 

Let me take a look at the last couple of months.

Maybe it did make a person curious if I was available (relationship-wise)... There have been pockets of sadness, euphoria, smitten-ness and everything that comes along with it.

But this thing about love... You cross oceans for it. This thing called love... You're clueless, unsure and yet... Jump!

Today is 9th March. Its been about a week since i last typed in this entry (i.e: the 2 paragraphs above.)

A week ago, i felt my world collapsed. This view where my future was nothing but a void of emptiness in all aspects was prevailing throughout my mind spreading to all the other senses of mine. And there I was, still and silent as numbness sneaked out of my heart and it spreads across my entire being.

"I've given you my heart", he said as darkness fell across the sky and all that gave light in my room was the illumination of my phone. "I didn't know when it happened, but i realised that my heart is no longer with me... its with you now. I may appear big and strong but my heart isn't, so take care of it", he continued. Silence ensued as I stared at the text over and over again as I felt my heart swell with this feeling of love and euphoria that was all new to me. I've never felt this ever before. "well, in case you didn't know, I've given you mine too. A long time ago. It needs tender loving care, it is flawed and broken and I've taken it out from a safe place for you. Protect it ok? Its fragile and I pretend to be strong but I am not. But you're my safe place. Don't break it... I don't think my heart will be able to survive that." And with that we knew this thing we have, its breaking all barriers and everything the both of us ever knew about love.

Let me take you back to probably a year ago. This fear I have from stepping into something new. This fear I have from opening up to someone else. This fear that someone is gonna leave me is something I can't seem to let go. That's the reason why that I have always been someone who has given everything to those I care about and not expect anything in return. It is solely to eliminate any form of disappointment that may result from it. I have always been the one standing there witnessing the retreating backs of everyone i ever cared about and all I could do was stare helplessly as they all walked away.

"I love you so much. Even though you're not here and near me, you're always in my heart and my mind all the time." Each text that appears each night is a variation... a confession of love of some sort. A reminder to the other about the other's importance to them. What started as just a simple "I love you too" from me gradually progressed to "I love you too... Always and forever. Don't ever forget that". 

I have since managed to collect pieces of my thoughts. The sincerity of his love. The loyalty I crave, he provided. And above all that? All of my weaknesses are his strengths and he is the missing puzzle piece that I have been searching all this while. I wished that I could fight for this. Salvage it somehow. Start over. Getting to know each other all over again.

Bare. Unprotected. Unmasked.

But he has made up his mind and i will respect that. So I will leave it up to God to give me the strength I need for this. If it was meant to be, it will be meant for me.

"I didn't know it was possible", we both confessed, "to miss someone this much, until you."

As the thought process slowly returned and the numbness dissipating from my heart. I am feeling this huge emptiness. The hole in my heart. The void that I can't seem to shake off. This lost is overwhelming my senses. When you're in a long distance relationship... You will always have this feeling of missing someone. You never knew you were able to miss someone that much.

"I don't think we can be together anymore" and the silence that follows. A silence so loud and deafening that I could not block the sound out. A single slice so sharp, it broke me.

It takes 2 hands to clap in every situation. I may have contributed to this and I don't know how to make things right.

And suddenly, you realise this feeling of looking forward to see someone is never gonna be full-filled. Like a thirst that can't be quenched.

"Oh, be still my heart. Be still. We'll be Ok."

But above it all and non-relating to this, my friends. They're my angels from God.