Maybe it did make a person curious if I was available (relationship-wise)... There have been pockets of sadness, euphoria, smitten-ness and everything that comes along with it.
But this thing about love... You cross oceans for it. This thing called love... You're clueless, unsure and yet... Jump!
Today is 9th March. Its been about a week since i last typed in this entry (i.e: the 2 paragraphs above.)
A week ago, i felt my world collapsed. This view where my future was nothing but a void of emptiness in all aspects was prevailing throughout my mind spreading to all the other senses of mine. And there I was, still and silent as numbness sneaked out of my heart and it spreads across my entire being.
"I've given you my heart", he said as darkness fell across the sky and all that gave light in my room was the illumination of my phone. "I didn't know when it happened, but i realised that my heart is no longer with me... its with you now. I may appear big and strong but my heart isn't, so take care of it", he continued. Silence ensued as I stared at the text over and over again as I felt my heart swell with this feeling of love and euphoria that was all new to me. I've never felt this ever before. "well, in case you didn't know, I've given you mine too. A long time ago. It needs tender loving care, it is flawed and broken and I've taken it out from a safe place for you. Protect it ok? Its fragile and I pretend to be strong but I am not. But you're my safe place. Don't break it... I don't think my heart will be able to survive that." And with that we knew this thing we have, its breaking all barriers and everything the both of us ever knew about love.
But this thing about love... You cross oceans for it. This thing called love... You're clueless, unsure and yet... Jump!
Today is 9th March. Its been about a week since i last typed in this entry (i.e: the 2 paragraphs above.)
A week ago, i felt my world collapsed. This view where my future was nothing but a void of emptiness in all aspects was prevailing throughout my mind spreading to all the other senses of mine. And there I was, still and silent as numbness sneaked out of my heart and it spreads across my entire being.
"I've given you my heart", he said as darkness fell across the sky and all that gave light in my room was the illumination of my phone. "I didn't know when it happened, but i realised that my heart is no longer with me... its with you now. I may appear big and strong but my heart isn't, so take care of it", he continued. Silence ensued as I stared at the text over and over again as I felt my heart swell with this feeling of love and euphoria that was all new to me. I've never felt this ever before. "well, in case you didn't know, I've given you mine too. A long time ago. It needs tender loving care, it is flawed and broken and I've taken it out from a safe place for you. Protect it ok? Its fragile and I pretend to be strong but I am not. But you're my safe place. Don't break it... I don't think my heart will be able to survive that." And with that we knew this thing we have, its breaking all barriers and everything the both of us ever knew about love.
Let me take you back to probably a year ago. This fear I have from stepping into something new. This fear I have from opening up to someone else. This fear that someone is gonna leave me is something I can't seem to let go. That's the reason why that I have always been someone who has given everything to those I care about and not expect anything in return. It is solely to eliminate any form of disappointment that may result from it. I have always been the one standing there witnessing the retreating backs of everyone i ever cared about and all I could do was stare helplessly as they all walked away.
"I love you so much. Even though you're not here and near me, you're always in my heart and my mind all the time." Each text that appears each night is a variation... a confession of love of some sort. A reminder to the other about the other's importance to them. What started as just a simple "I love you too" from me gradually progressed to "I love you too... Always and forever. Don't ever forget that".
I have since managed to collect pieces of my thoughts. The sincerity of his love. The loyalty I crave, he provided. And above all that? All of my weaknesses are his strengths and he is the missing puzzle piece that I have been searching all this while. I wished that I could fight for this. Salvage it somehow. Start over. Getting to know each other all over again.
Bare. Unprotected. Unmasked.
But he has made up his mind and i will respect that. So I will leave it up to God to give me the strength I need for this. If it was meant to be, it will be meant for me.
"I didn't know it was possible", we both confessed, "to miss someone this much, until you."
As the thought process slowly returned and the numbness dissipating from my heart. I am feeling this huge emptiness. The hole in my heart. The void that I can't seem to shake off. This lost is overwhelming my senses. When you're in a long distance relationship... You will always have this feeling of missing someone. You never knew you were able to miss someone that much.
"I don't think we can be together anymore" and the silence that follows. A silence so loud and deafening that I could not block the sound out. A single slice so sharp, it broke me.
It takes 2 hands to clap in every situation. I may have contributed to this and I don't know how to make things right.
And suddenly, you realise this feeling of looking forward to see someone is never gonna be full-filled. Like a thirst that can't be quenched.
"Oh, be still my heart. Be still. We'll be Ok."
But above it all and non-relating to this, my friends. They're my angels from God.
"I love you so much. Even though you're not here and near me, you're always in my heart and my mind all the time." Each text that appears each night is a variation... a confession of love of some sort. A reminder to the other about the other's importance to them. What started as just a simple "I love you too" from me gradually progressed to "I love you too... Always and forever. Don't ever forget that".
I have since managed to collect pieces of my thoughts. The sincerity of his love. The loyalty I crave, he provided. And above all that? All of my weaknesses are his strengths and he is the missing puzzle piece that I have been searching all this while. I wished that I could fight for this. Salvage it somehow. Start over. Getting to know each other all over again.
Bare. Unprotected. Unmasked.
But he has made up his mind and i will respect that. So I will leave it up to God to give me the strength I need for this. If it was meant to be, it will be meant for me.
"I didn't know it was possible", we both confessed, "to miss someone this much, until you."
As the thought process slowly returned and the numbness dissipating from my heart. I am feeling this huge emptiness. The hole in my heart. The void that I can't seem to shake off. This lost is overwhelming my senses. When you're in a long distance relationship... You will always have this feeling of missing someone. You never knew you were able to miss someone that much.
"I don't think we can be together anymore" and the silence that follows. A silence so loud and deafening that I could not block the sound out. A single slice so sharp, it broke me.
It takes 2 hands to clap in every situation. I may have contributed to this and I don't know how to make things right.
And suddenly, you realise this feeling of looking forward to see someone is never gonna be full-filled. Like a thirst that can't be quenched.
"Oh, be still my heart. Be still. We'll be Ok."
But above it all and non-relating to this, my friends. They're my angels from God.
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