AM I SELFISH TO SAY THIS?
I'm upset about something. I'm not really sure what. Maybe its an accumulation of a hell lots of things.
I clubbed yesterday night, however, i didn't stay over as i usually do. I went home straight. I dunno. Maybe coz I was afraid. Afraid what if I break down and cry and when someone asked me what is it that is making me upset? I dont even know what is it.. heh. How's that for fantastic?
Also, I realised I do not know how to ask someone to be there for me. I don't know how to tell someone. HEY, Can you just hang out with me today... just because? or.. Hey, can i just meet up with you for fun?
I am afraid of showing anyone my feelings. Afraid of being hurt. Afraid of being rejected. So i try. I try to be mature about everything and just suck it up.
I blame it on the fact that i'm the only child.
As a result, i worry more for others than myself. I try to not show others if i'm upset. If i'm affected. Coz, i dont know. Maybe i've always tried to be there for others. I know that other pple have their own set of problems.
Music became my solace in a lot of things. Music. With every beat that thumps in the club; my body moved along with it. With every move; my sorrows, my disappointment, my stress, my annoyance, my worries - disappear.
Anger, frustration, disappointment, happiness, sadness and yes, even love. It tells my story that no one could decipher. which is alright with me, since i'm quite closed up and have no idea how to let others know.
And my private world shines as bright as the sun again. And i forget whatever it is that have been affecting me. I feel that i could conquer the world all over again, make a difference, save the animals, find a solution for global warming! heh.
But yesterday, Music wasn't enough. As the music ended and my weary feet dragged itself back to mel's place and after i wiped the make up away. I stared at myself in the mirror and whatever that is affecting me came through. My eyes couldn't hide it as it came staring back at me.
I felt so alone. Odd isn't it?
So i decided. I needed to leave. Before i actually burst into tears in the wee hours of the morning.
I read people like a book most of the time. I can see it in their actions, expressions, eyes... that they need someone there.. and I will ask them out in my most thick skinned ways. But when it comes to me. I don't know how to be thick skinned.
Sometimes, I just want someone to be there too. But more often than not, nobody realises that I need them. Just coz, I don't know how to hint, ask or even outrightly say that they've been missed. Or... I need a friend rite now.
Coz i always feel that someone will ask me... What's up? And I don't have the answer for it. What if there's no answer, and no one thinks that its not important and they tell me they're not free?
wait. it has happened before.
Didn't i say that i'm afraid? Once bitten, twice shy.
As i left, i hugged mel as usual... But i hung on in desperation almost refusing to let go. And then the voice inside my head spoke, "if you hang on any longer, he'll know some thing is not right." and i quickly let go. But i've hung on long enough for him to realise. All I could say was "thank you for tonight" and give whatever smile/grin i could muster and left.
Reached home. Usually when i'm in this mood, I'll pack my things and go swimming. And do 60 laps before i'll be so tired that my mind clears. But over here, i don't have that option. I changed into my track pants and tee shirt and left the house.
I did the one thing that i hated the most.
I went for a run with my mp3 blasting in my ear.
Now i'm home again. Feeling somewhat better and definitely awake.
so yes.
I'm lonely. I need someone there for me too.
Someone that i don't have to explain everything to.
There. I've said it.
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