Memories. So many memories that she can't seem to erase from her minds. When and how did she gained so many of them she wondered. They're coming around so often these days that she sees them each time she closes her eyes. Odd.

She thought it would ease by now. "Why are you so different?" She searches her mind but nothing came close to an answer.

She has never allowed anyone to break through the walls and reach within. Never allowed to be this way for anyone and yet, here she is, struggling. She'll get over this. No one has to know. No one. Her thoughts and feelings are hers and hers alone.  As she penned it all down, she told herself... No one will control this apart from her. No. One. 

The memories are hers and hers alone and no one will be able to dictate what is written, what is revealed, what is shown. This is her space.

Loving can hurt, loving can hurt sometimes
But it's the only thing that I know
When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes
It's the only thing makes us feel alive

It is true that the love one will have for another individual reminds you of how great god is. Reminding you constantly the vulnerability of being human. The hurt. The love. The yearnings. The crack within. The smiles. The softness. The reminder that: No matter how high a wall you've built, stoic and unfeeling, when the right person comes along... you'll take that leap of faith.

A leap that will have collateral damage to the wall you've built. Cracks will start appearing and then one day, a key appears. Bright and shiny. Small and glittery. Floating just beyond your reach as it moves towards him. One day, it drops... into the palm of his hand.

Just like that, the years disappeared as she found herself in a whole new territory. Fear. Terrified of bringing the walls down. Despite it all, she took the second leap of faith.

Coz in his eyes, she saw everything she wanted and within that she found courage to reach out. He provided that... courage. Comfort. Solace.

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time forever's frozen still

A picture perfect photograph as a memory stored away in the corners of her mind. So many things have happened since, and yet, that picture perfect photograph of a memory remianed the same. Unchanged by time. Untouched by moments. Each beautifully captured and stored. Almost real. As though she could feel them just by reach her hand out.

so you can keep me 
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home.

Love she has in abundance; especially from her family. She never lacked of it, despite their differences sometimes. but that's just family, you know? Despite constantly being surrounded, she likes her space. her time. her boundaries. Caught up in her own thoughts most of the time, she struggles internally to make sure that everyone is taken care of. She tries to ensure that challenges will be faced and won. But she wanted her person. Her person that will have her back. Her person that will be by her corner. Her person that is her own personal sun. Her person that will be there when she turns to reach out her hand, it'll be accepted. A person that is her home and she... his.

Loving can heal, loving can mend your soul. 
And it's the only thing that I know, know
I swear it will get easier
Remember that with every piece of you
Hm, and it's the only thing we can take with us when we die

It is true that love can heal. As she looks around; the support she's had, the love she's received... in abundance. How can she deny that love won't be able to mend her soul? She's healing everyday despite the scars that is slowly forming from the wound. It is visible, but she trust that it will fade one day. She won't be the same. Every experience a lesson. It'll mould you, your perspective, personal principles and embrace all of you to be a better version of you.

Hm, we keep this love in this photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts were never broken
And time's forever frozen still

But she knows... she'll be better as the days passes. As memory floats in and out in her consciousness...

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me
That's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go
Wait for me to come home. 
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come home
Wait for me to come Home

She also knows... that, with god's will, one day some one will find her. That someone will love all of her and her flaws and tell her:-

Oh, if you can fit me
Inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen
Next to your heartbeat where I should be
Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me
Well, that's okay baby, only words bleed
Inside these pages you just hold me
And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost back on Sixth Street
Hearing you whisper through the phone
"Wait for me to come home."

And she'll reply with a little smile on her lips... "yes love, I'll see you soon." She'll hear the click on the other end of the phone. She'll put it aside, stands up with a little bounce in her step, her heart fluttering as she waits for the familiarity of his presence to be by her side again.

Yup. One day.

Till then, she'll heal for the better.

Patience is a virtue... But it doesn't come easy.

When you look out the window today, its a pink blue and yellow kinda sunset here in Singapore. Hues of purples covers the sky as the sun slowly sets over this island.

Its been a tough week. But what can I say, I want a life worth living rite? If its even possible

This blank page can't seem to be filled while this heart is full and these thoughts are spilling.

However, nothing seemed to be penned down. Can't seem to focus, can't seem to draw my mind away from something and let these thoughts out.

All that's playing on repeat on this mind is this emptiness from within my heart and my thoughts are not hiding the truth. Its telling me why and that its missing you.

It hasn't stopped saying that.

"I thought we had a good thing going." 

I wonder if that was all just words. That was all of it and nothing more. Coz I thought we had a good thing going too. Will a day arrive where you realise this? 

How can you leave me just like this? How can you do that after all those promises? How could you just walk away and left me behind realising my biggest fears? Am I not worth it for you? Am I not enough? Am I just someone you could force love out of and toss away when you don't feel like it anymore?

So many questions. So many thoughts. So many doubts. So many faults I could find within myself that resulted to this. So many of this. Then again... it is only natural for me to feel this way.

But, It is what it is. i can't control my feelings. I have the right to feel what I feel. And I will hold on to the strength within me till all these doubts subside.

I will be fine. yup.

Whisperings of the heart

"I miss you."

It whispers softly in this silent night. Whispering through her being that it kept her awake as a tear unconsciously drop from her eyes.

This night more than the other nights. It misses you. It misses you so much that a sharp pang pierced through its wall. So painful, so real and she told her heart to stop. But her heart wouldn't listen. For tonight, her brain wouldn't either.

She forced herself to bed, but as she closed her eyes, images of him so vivid appeared before her. As though he was there.

She could practically hear his voice in her ear. She could even feel the warmth of his hands and the strength of his hugs. She could even hear the beatings of his heart.

On her lids, images of him replaying like a movie reel. His smile. The twinkle in his eyes as he plans to disturb her. And that same twinkle with a slight variation as they converse and he was about to burst into a huge laugh.

Those eyes. The kindness reflected within it always swept her away and into those deep brown pools.

The way his lashes flutter as he reached out for her in his sleep and that smile when his hand found hers as he fell further into slumber.

She stared at him as he slept. That image embedded in her mind as she traces his every feature with her finger memorising each curve, each wrinkle, each contour, each muscle and feel of his warm cheeks against her fingers. The feel of his whiskers between her fingers.

That same image replaying each time she closes her eyes. Oh this heart. This brain. This memory.

"Is this what love really is?"

She wondered to herself as the clock ticks further into the night. It's quarter to 4 in the morning now.

She needs the sleep. But now as she closes her eyes, all she could see is him. Staring at her as she rests. His eyes taking in and remembering everything about her. His fingers playing with her hair. And he whispered...

"I will never forget this. This, you beside me. Like this. This is perfect. It's what i want, always, with you."

His words as if just yesterday appeared in her ear. And she covered her ears.

"No. This is not real. None of this is real. He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. Stop it. Stop. None of this is real."

She whispered to herself, telling her brain to grasp what is reality. Summoning her rational mind.

"Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over matter."

She stared into darkness. Her heart taking over her rational mind.

It's not letting go tonight, it seems.

"Come back to me!"

This heart never stops pleading in silent. She turns away and grab her pillows as she forces herself to bed.

Show me...

Have you ever wondered if anyone sees or notices anything?

On days where you appear to look just fine but your heart is quivering as it tries to hold on to all the pieces. Some of which are still missing and you're still trying to locate them. 

But this appearance you put on... As if nothing could bring you down. As if you're this fearless being that could take over the world. 

But when no one's looking, your eyes waver alittle. This shield you put up gets a little low on power.

You're holding on to what little resolve you have left and you wait. 

You wait for the day that this wouldn't feel so real anymore. You wait for the day that you find all the pieces and you officially close it off from anyone else. 

Letters to Juliet

I watched 'Letters to Juliet' today. Not gonna lie, it's one of my ultimate favourite romantic comedy movies.

Can't even remember how many times I've watched that movie since it aired. But tonight, my fingers unconsciously typed out those letters on Netflix and I watched it. Again. After all that time.

Wanna know what's my favourite scene? When the audience finally found out what was written in the letter to Claire from the Secretaries of Juliet.

 Dear Claire, 

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if? I don't know how your story ended but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart. I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like - love to leave loved ones for, love to cross oceans for but I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I will have the courage to seize it. And, Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will. 

All my love, Juliet


That whole letter is so relatable in any situation isn't it? What if. The two words that either holds back an individual or makes you fill with regret. 

And finding a love like Juliet's - love to cross oceans for. This. As I stared blankly into the screen, the lines resonated with me. Is it real? This act of courage and love? I ask myself as the scene unfolds further. Love to cross oceans for. Something so uncharacteristic to do and yet. 

Let me take a look at the last couple of months.

Maybe it did make a person curious if I was available (relationship-wise)... There have been pockets of sadness, euphoria, smitten-ness and everything that comes along with it.

But this thing about love... You cross oceans for it. This thing called love... You're clueless, unsure and yet... Jump!

Today is 9th March. Its been about a week since i last typed in this entry (i.e: the 2 paragraphs above.)

A week ago, i felt my world collapsed. This view where my future was nothing but a void of emptiness in all aspects was prevailing throughout my mind spreading to all the other senses of mine. And there I was, still and silent as numbness sneaked out of my heart and it spreads across my entire being.

"I've given you my heart", he said as darkness fell across the sky and all that gave light in my room was the illumination of my phone. "I didn't know when it happened, but i realised that my heart is no longer with me... its with you now. I may appear big and strong but my heart isn't, so take care of it", he continued. Silence ensued as I stared at the text over and over again as I felt my heart swell with this feeling of love and euphoria that was all new to me. I've never felt this ever before. "well, in case you didn't know, I've given you mine too. A long time ago. It needs tender loving care, it is flawed and broken and I've taken it out from a safe place for you. Protect it ok? Its fragile and I pretend to be strong but I am not. But you're my safe place. Don't break it... I don't think my heart will be able to survive that." And with that we knew this thing we have, its breaking all barriers and everything the both of us ever knew about love.

Let me take you back to probably a year ago. This fear I have from stepping into something new. This fear I have from opening up to someone else. This fear that someone is gonna leave me is something I can't seem to let go. That's the reason why that I have always been someone who has given everything to those I care about and not expect anything in return. It is solely to eliminate any form of disappointment that may result from it. I have always been the one standing there witnessing the retreating backs of everyone i ever cared about and all I could do was stare helplessly as they all walked away.

"I love you so much. Even though you're not here and near me, you're always in my heart and my mind all the time." Each text that appears each night is a variation... a confession of love of some sort. A reminder to the other about the other's importance to them. What started as just a simple "I love you too" from me gradually progressed to "I love you too... Always and forever. Don't ever forget that". 

I have since managed to collect pieces of my thoughts. The sincerity of his love. The loyalty I crave, he provided. And above all that? All of my weaknesses are his strengths and he is the missing puzzle piece that I have been searching all this while. I wished that I could fight for this. Salvage it somehow. Start over. Getting to know each other all over again.

Bare. Unprotected. Unmasked.

But he has made up his mind and i will respect that. So I will leave it up to God to give me the strength I need for this. If it was meant to be, it will be meant for me.

"I didn't know it was possible", we both confessed, "to miss someone this much, until you."

As the thought process slowly returned and the numbness dissipating from my heart. I am feeling this huge emptiness. The hole in my heart. The void that I can't seem to shake off. This lost is overwhelming my senses. When you're in a long distance relationship... You will always have this feeling of missing someone. You never knew you were able to miss someone that much.

"I don't think we can be together anymore" and the silence that follows. A silence so loud and deafening that I could not block the sound out. A single slice so sharp, it broke me.

It takes 2 hands to clap in every situation. I may have contributed to this and I don't know how to make things right.

And suddenly, you realise this feeling of looking forward to see someone is never gonna be full-filled. Like a thirst that can't be quenched.

"Oh, be still my heart. Be still. We'll be Ok."

But above it all and non-relating to this, my friends. They're my angels from God.

Dining In The Dark...

This month, I managed to get around to going to alot of places I've been curious too. The most recent was 2 days ago.

Sunday, 24th February, I met Mel for his belated birthday dinner. One of the things that stood out from the very beginning was this: 

It honestly brings great joy to my life to annoy my friends in such a way. I.e: Making them carry a balloon bouquet everywhere. 

Honestly, being an event stylist and having access to a list of vendors, this random balloon was made available much easier than most would think. LOL. If anyone in AMK looking for a nice realiable and really pretty balloons, MistyDaydreamSG would be the most easily accessible for you guys. They have a ton of combination or you could ask me to come up with a combination for you. But, my services comes at fee of course. Depending on how nice you are, I would give a discount. LOL

But this is not about me right now.

This entry is mainly about the place that I have been reading about that exists in the US and to cut the story short, I have been curious about this for a very very very very very very long time.

So what better opportunity than to do it during Mel's birthday right?

Therefore, I made a reservation at:

*Drum rolls*

NOX - Dine in The Dark

Guess what was the most pleasant surprise out of this whole experience? That my waiter is blind. Maybe all of you are all well aware of it and maybe I have been ignorant about that fact since I thought that they were gonna function like the ones in US where they have some sort of night vision goggles (just shows how long have I been away from this country that I'm really not that updated with its ongoings, i'm pretty sure it was all the hype when they first opened).

But nevertheless, I was still pleasantly surprise. My waiter, Bernard, was the most efficient, funny, and reassuring waiter i've ever met! He was truly a delight to converse with!

I remembered thinking that what a new door of opportunities such a concept opens to those with sight impairment. They're even able to be part of the food and beverage industry if more dining areas are able to come up with a creative concept that is able to integrate disabilities into a career.

So how it works is that, they're obviously a reservation only restaurant. Therefore, when you make your reservations, you would also inform them of your dietary requirements. You will be served a 3 course set meal for dinner and each course contains 4 different items plated in separate bowls for easy eating in the dark.

When you first arrived, you'll be ushered into their lounge area downstairs where the bar is. You could have your cocktails/mocktails/wines while waiting to be seated. You'd also have to lock all your belongings and anything reflective in the locker provided. When you're ready to head for dinner (the dining area is upstairs), your personal waiter will come down to greet you by the stairs and guide you up into the darkness.

Given the setting of the experience, we obviously do not have any foodporn pics! lolol

However, we definitely had a good time. 

Everyone at NOX was so friendly and inevitably gave the restaurant such a great vibe. I wouldn't say that their food was extraordinarily great, but the whole experience was so pleasant that the food was somewhat forgiven.

For those of you who have not tried NOX before and have always been curious, I would say... go for it! It was definitely worth it to experience something like that at least once in your life. 

Priced at about 78/88++, I would say it is not exorbitantly expensive to the point where it is not affordable. I think its a good price for a special occasion if you're thinking of something different to do.

The experience is a 5 out of 5!

Happy trying ya'll! let me know what you guys think of it!

p.s: I also realised that sighted individuals tend to start whispering the moment they put in a dark place. 

I wished that I could scream at someone. I honestly wished that I could. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing all these things to assist people out of their predicaments. Out of their situations and always trying to make things better for them. But honestly, people aren't always returning the sentiments. It is honestly pissing me off. 

Why am I always the one being put in a situation where i'm constantly having to clean up anyone's mess?

Honestly.

I'm so pissed. 

But i'll meditate and seek guidance from god and hope for the best.

Its 2019... WHAT?

1st January 2019.

I hope this year will be filled for so many new opportunities for me. Both career and business wise. I really do hope so.

2018 has been a year filled with challenges and all things different.

2018 was a year of adjustment and fighting with society's expectations.

2018 was a year trying to break stigma.

2018 was the first year in 10 years that i have someone constantly holding my hand aside from my mom.

2018 was the the year I experienced love again.

2018 was also the year my heart felt a great loss.

2018 was the year of healing.

2018 was the year that the challenges seemed more prominent than the blessings.

In reality, 2018, was a great blessing in disguise.