I have 2 words about my current situation, environment and whatever else...


FARKED UP!

That's all folks.

Renovation in Progress.
I'm revamping my life.

I feel like vomitting blood rite now! argh!!

Haiz.

but on a lighter note, i really do feel like vomitting. Yayness.

Mess. I hate mess. Messy things piss me off. I don't care if its your table that's messy; that's a person's personal space. If something else is beginning to be too messy, trust me, i might just do something to revamp it whether you like it or not.

I don't need to be rushed. I don't like something rushed. I don't like something that is done for the sake of it having to be done.

Plan. Think. Create. Organize. Mould. Beautify. Edit. Confirm. Precision. Time.

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Sick and tired of it that I can't wait for it to end. I hope its the right thing to do. Trapped is an understatement as to what i'm feeling rite now.

I'm terrified to even think of other possibilities. Thinking about it makes me feel trapped all over again. Only god knows what i've been through these past 9 months there. I've never talked about things. I've never brought myself to complain till recently. But even then, i make even the worst scenario sound good.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I still allow myself to see the good in some?

"We can't blame others for the things they have yet to do" A line from a storybook struck a cord in me. I'm not trying to be some saintly nun but I do agree to that line and i've realised that i've believed in that my whole life.

I did come to a conclusion a few days ago that i will not fall in another trap even if i'm in the deepest financial trouble. I will find other ways of earning. That is how terrified I am at the possibility of falling into another trap.

I've always got myself out of things. I've survived all these while.

But...

I'm confused rite now. The thought of it frightens the shit out of me. Blame it on bad experience. Yes. That. But i'm not prepared to take another leap of faith as of now.

Just as freedom is drawing near, that suddenly made me feel as though a wall was put right in between. Its like as though a death sentence has been given to me just as i thought i've cleared my name of a crime.

I'm not rejecting anything. I'm considering things with an open mind but its difficult when the protective shell surrounding me rite now seems so comfortable and familiar and the prospective smell of the salty breeze is no doubt welcoming.

And I'm not willing to give up that Hawaiian dream. Not just yet. Even if I'm just seeing it from the hermit's shell at the moment.

OMG. I'm at work and this page has been blank since morning! and now?

The office is currently in a frenzy. 90% of our mails goes out today. So ya. As you can imagine, everyone's running around.

Time Check: 4.13pm.

and i have yet to fill it in with anything.

Rite now. the one thing that i am currently complaining about is.... CLARENCE.

Clarence. My new found idiotic sparring partner. Yes, i think if he has a blog and is blogging about yesterday's training session, i think he would call me idiotic as well.

Farking violent can.

My both arms are tender from the whacking, my back has a mark rite across, my arms looks like as though i'm abused, my neck is bruised, my stomach has a blue black rite across it, my shoulder blade has bruises to, my elbow is swollen, my left side is basically like as though i've been to jail and gotten the caning sentence and the other casualty?

The palm of my right hand which is currently swollen with a tinge of purple at my thumb area.

Fuck and he says i'm violent?

I won him countless times yesterday and i get this kinda bruises, which means that, i've escaped the bulk of his whipping.

Yesterday was like a clash of metals, whipping sounds were heard coming from both sides and sparks were flying. yes. Its orange. i saw it too.

The worst hit was when he whacked my hand and caught my glove, hit my palm, yes, OFF TARGET, the pain was so bad that i unconsciously dropped my sword and retreating from him as he continued the attack and managed to hold my sword again and block him

and i thought,

That's it man... my blade broke. Confirm!

Thank god, it didnt!!! i would have made him get me the gold blade if he did break it yest! ARGH!

I was so pissed la yest. REALLY DAMN PISSED!

He hit so hard that his blade flicked into my mask and hit the back of my head... and it happened 3 times. Cb.

Do that for wat fuck?!

I was really trying hard not to cry la by then. The pain was so bad i was tearing!

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The other person that has been bullying me at the office is....

CHRISTOPHER MARK SHEPHERDSON.

He should be grateful that his name's mentioned here. *rolls eyes* HE AHHHH... alamak~!

He's the intern from tp. Remember the interview i mentioned few months ago? Yup. that one.

Send email also can spell my name wrong sia... that one really never die before lor! he doing a corporate video thing for the company and he use all my ugly pictures inside there la... REALLY NEVER DIE BEFORE~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws orange patent files in his direction*

That one ah... nvm nvm... i shall make him do more. HA. *evil laughs*

Now? He has upgraded to taking my eeyore during lunch and goes around talking in eeyore's voice or he will either thake my eeyore, stand at my cubicle and my eeyore will start waving while he do thee eeyore voice which, seriously, he has already perfected.

i swear i'm confused.

Haiz. This is tedious la. I'm beginning to feel very "oh shit" you know. Like what if i did something wrong? hmmmm..

I have training later. Have a new sparring partner later! Which means i have 2hrs worth of training. Shite.

Tralalalalalalala............

And no. I have not been able to fence like that. At least not yet. As in not hoping around that high before.

WHEEEEEEEEEE~!

I think i'm gonna be turning blind at this rate.

Strengths can't be found in similarities, it can be found in differences.

I'm so tired today that my brain is not really functioning. Seriously.

I'm meeting them later. What shall i eat what shall i eat!?!? lol!!!

I havent been updating here... but then again, there's really nothing much to update. I'll post up photos soon though.

oh shucks its gonna be 6~!

I'm wrapping up. Shall update later.

So remember last saturday? I had a really really long saturday? Yup. Ended up going for the Alumni Gathering really late. And who's the other person who spent the entire sat with me???

Give up?

Ladies & Gentlemen....

PRESENTING TO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...

My Boyfriend.

WAHAHAHHAHAHA~!!!!!!!!!!

And who's the photographer?

Yours truly of course! LOL!!

More photos after this post yo! I swear these are blackmail worthy! lol!!!

Its the 2nd day of fasting month and its raining cats and dogs outside!

I REALLY WANNA SLEEP ALREADY!

The temperature is driving me crazy. I'm like even more hungry now than ever lor!!!! WAAAAAAA~!!!

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Yest has to be one of the most piggish days ever! I was supposed to go training but i left office early enough to go home first to break fast before going training.

I did the following:

I reached home.
Waited to break fast.
Went to eat.
Lie down. (That was about 8pm)
SMS my coach that i wanna postponed training.
SMS my darling.
Waited for his reply.
Wait.
Wait.
Half Asleep.
My mom asked me to follow her to Shop & Save.
I just nodded but did not budge.
Wait.
Wait.
Fell asleep in the process and only woke up at 2am.
Washed face.
Went back to my bed.
Found my phone.
Found msg.
Replied a really late reply.
Toss & Turn.
Fell asleep.
Grandmother woke me up to have breakfast.
Went to eat.
Dragged myself back into the room.
Fell asleep.

Woke up at 8 and realised that i'm late for the umpteenth time.

I've been to quite a number of working places in my short life. But, i've never faced one as the current one i'm at. I've went through 3 fasting months while working so far.

When I was an intern, the officers took great care in not eating in during fasting month. They eliminate any form of food from sight. They even tried not to munch in our presence.

Last year, in the lawfirm where i was working, there was only 2 muslim legal secretaries. The rest of the secretaries locked themselves in a room during lunch if they happened to eat in and my ex-lawyer, will sneak in food and close the door everytime he lunches in during fasting month. Even though he tries not to lunch in so often during that period.

Now?

*shrugs*
Each to their own i suppose.

What does it mean really when you can no longer wake up in the mornings to get to wherever you're supposed to be?

What does it mean really when you can no longer be bothered about going to where you're supposed to go?

What does it mean really when all you can think off is to just stay home and not go anywhere everytime the alarm rings for you to get up?

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I'm currently staring at my PC but i dont seem to be registering whatever's on it and also my fingers dont seem to be flying across the keyboard.

This weeks is just a bad week. I'm not in the mood to do anything.

OH YA! Before i forget, to all muslims,

HAPPY FASTING~!

Today's the first day and I have fencing later! wow. How could i forget that its fasting already this Thursday?! and the first day too!!! haizzzz...

I'm actually taking this month to look deep within myself and yes, I am prepared to go through anything.

Especially after that day's conversation, i know i'm not the only one facing it. I know the fears are not one-sided. I appreciated that day's conversation, at least I know and i'll definitely erase all kind of paranoia from my head...

I'm sorry for worrying you at one point. HEE~!

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Dear God,

Can I ask for forever?

Routined. Repetitive. Boring.

I have no other words to describe it.

I had one of the longest Saturdays of my life this weekend. I think Mel would agree to that.

Met the rest in the morning at Arts House... After that the both of us walked around for awhile before Mama called and we had to go home to collect the bread to be sent over to my cousin's house.

Why do i have to send it over? Well, coz there was a Kenduri Arwah (My grandfather's death anniversary) at my cousin's place and i already told my mom that i have Alumni Gathering at TP later on...

So she gave me a simple task, to send the bread and show my face and then leave.

But things got a little complicated the moment we reached my cousin's place. I realised that my dad was there... and for the first time, no one was absent for this.

Everyone was there!

We managed to get to TP later on... and we stole azi's cammie and camwhored!!! wheeeeeeee... can't wait for pics!!

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I know it was totally unexpected, impromptu... that's the reason why i was guilty. Coz, you never expected to have to follow me there. You never expect to meet my extended family, especially not that day... I felt bad that you have to go through it, even though nothing bad happen... but i think you know what i mean rite?

At the same time, i know its a little selfish of me, but i'm really grateful that you were there with me that day. Very very grateful. I felt blessed, especially at how patient you were. I cannot help but smile everytime I think about Saturday.

Thank you dear.

P.s: My nephew was totally taken to you. Cuteness. But i think, its not only Ibrahim. heeee...

Flight MH630 that flew to Sabah on 1st September 2007 left Changi Airport as scheduled.



The 2 and half hours flight made me bored after a while. So thank god, i took Mama's camera with me... Or else i would just die. Seriously, I started to camwhore. Below are just SOME of the photos that i've taken once i'm done with lunch and after i've finished reading CLEO... lol.




Traveling alone does have its perks. LOL! The purpose of the trip was to go to Sabah for my cousin's graduation. So here are some of the photos.



I got her a Forever Friends Bear for her graduation. lol! Cute rite?! CONGRATS MAWARNI, for getting your degree! lol.. Degree in Geology.






She's my bitching buddy, my invisible sister and everything else. I know we would do anything for the other... Just like how i got my last minute ticket to Sabah and when i was there, rescued her from the misery of the shared room with her friends and escorted her over to Hyatt in Sabah which was more of a walk in reservation. Seriously ah, things i do for that girl... priceless.

I was deprived of technology and the internet. It was UBER BORING! lol. But anything for a cousin, no? lol. My mom constantly called me when i was there, coz she missed me too much...

And then someone asked me whats taking my cousin sooo long to graduate and when am i getting back... So no matter how much it was denied, i was missed huh? LOL! *evil grins*



So i went back home. And of course, i started taking photos again. It was tiring. But I was glad to be coming back. I missed my mom and my friends here. I kept thinking what was everyone doing back home during the weekends.

I missed Singapore. 4 days away. Just 4 days. tsk tsk tsk...

I left my heart in Singapore.

When for Fencing yesterday. I had fun!! LOL! Wheee~! That was the first time after a long time i lasted for quite some time. I actually lasted! I'm so proud of myself and to think that I'm not aching today! heeeee...

Saw the SMU team's posters with really nice quotes on it. Very apt.

Coach nagged at me for MIA-ing... He's a very observant fellow. Very very observant. Thanks Coach!

"When a man has tasted defeat, only then can he reached into the deepest part of his soul to find what it takes to bring out that last ounce of energy needed to win when the match is even."

I guess, I did learn my lesson the hard way.

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"Strengths can't be found in similarities, it can be found in differences"

That's the reason why I cherish my friends and you.

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"Concentration is the ability to think of absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary"

That is something i need to re-master.

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"Do the one thing you think you can't do"

Lose Weight. Its achievable. Yup yup.
Get rich. Its achievable as well. Yup. yup.

Believe. Believe in myself, I must.

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I realised that one of my colleagues is a very sensitive person. She observes and she cares even though she only passes in front of me when she wants to go into the boss's room.

I was speechless.... and touched.

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SC ah... I have to do something that i havent been doing for the past 9 months. Like farking hell lor.

I did not sign up for this. Never has. Never will.

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I'm sure many is curious to know my take on my current job scope....

Well, let me give you an insight then...

BORING~! LOL!!

But i can't judge too soon. I'm only a day and a half old in here. But so far? Things are squarer than square. There's standard procedures for everything even though you could have done certain things instead of some things. sheesh.

And the bold and underline is driving me crazy. *rolls eyes*

Boredom has no cure. Period.

I'm bored.

Today has been a boring day.

I went on half day. YUP YUP!

sadded. I still arrived late. Can't really be bothered. I just wanna sleep. AHHAHAHAAH!

Shouldnt have come in just now. Now, i'm gonna leave soon before I'm late for fencing.

After being deprived from basic technology and torn from any means of familiarity of the
world, for a few days...

I'm back with a vengeance.

I will therefore upload various pics once I get them and also, state my ecapades.

Going on a trip by yourself is definitely something that is quite lonely but nevertheless addictive. When I say addictive, it hints on how often I might just do it in the future.

The journey on the plane was long enough for you to finish your magazine, eat lunch, sleep, camwhore by yoursef with the stewards grinning at you and shaking their heads when they walk pass.

But of course, that didnt stop me from doing what I do best.

Reaching the destination was a relieve... The journey wasnt exactly smooth. Blame the weather. Storm clouds are not the best of things for a plane to go through when its airborne. If you ever wondered sitting in a water bottle and someone shaking it from side to side...

Then by all means, take a plane on a rainy day. I can guarantee you that your curiousity will never resurface. But then again, if you like a roller coaster, you wouldn't mind a thing. lol!

I know i'm independant, but i never knew how independant i was. Traveling by yourself, no matter how short the trip is, you definitely learn alot.

I came to a conclusion that if my mom were to throw me in timbaktu for a week, I have a strange feeling that i'll definitely survive.

But of course, the heartache is when you start missing people and no matter who your company is, you'll just end up thinking what are they doing back at home. Yup yup.

And another thing, I definitely wanna attend my own convocation. Its definitely a memorable memorable day. Irregardless of whether any of your relatives, siblings or parents are around.

I hope I will actually have that day.

Now, i have to go... i'm going out to settle some stuff. Toodles~!