Friday, May 23, 2008

Its 7.30am and here I am blogging in the office.

Yes, I am in the office at 7.30am on a Friday. Argh. I have a Board Meeting that's starting 45mins earlier than expected. My boss is not in yet. I should have known. He and his dreams of waking up early.. PUH LEASE!

----------------------------------------------

While I appreciate certain things, I don't need calls in the middle of the night to interrupt my sleep. There are many things that I would need to make clear. Right now, I can't go to sleep easily no matter how tired I am. And when I do go to sleep, I can't wake up.

So in other words, when I do end up asleep, I really don't need any interruption. My mind is already having a mind of its own to begin with. When I am fine the entire day, be rest assured the following day I'm not. So I really don't need such things.

I am fine with emergency cases. Like me waking up in the wee hours coz you're in trouble. But if it concerns my well-being, save it. Seriously. There is always the hours where the sun is shining and the birds are chirping for such conversations.

----------------------------------------------

There are just times where I wish everything was perfect. Imperfections in the eyes of others, but, completely perfect to me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Broken Soul
As the mask slipped and what lies beneath surfaced...

The mask she held on slipped away unconsciously. 72hours. She knew that and yet beads of tears still stained her cheeks. Her thoughts running havoc. She has no control over. Trying to be strong, "fine" was the only word that she managed to utter. She stared out in a daze telling herself that she has come to a junction.

She took naps to stop herself from thinking only to wake up and feel worse then before. It doesn't seem to end. In fact, the feeling just keeps getting worst. Maybe it was better not to wake up at all.

The feeling of lost engulfed her as though even daylight will not be strong enough to penetrate. Losing after trying is in itself a victory. But losing without trying made her feel as though it was never worth enough.

She know of her ability to be reasonabe at this time. For her to accept it fairly. She knows that even if she wants something else and something else happens and if it was something that she didn't like, if it was the right choice, she'll see it immediately. She'll feel it in her heart. Even if it was grudgingly.

The words that came out of her mouth to them, her concerns shocked them. They wondered, why even at this point in time, she still didn't think for herself?

If this is for the better, then why doesn't it feel right at all?

She walked in a daze, like the living dead. Laugh in tiny pockets of happiness only to be pulled down again. Her heart dead and silent. Cries rang out in the silent of the night and attempts to calm her down, failed.

Pray. That was the only thing others manage to tell her. She stared, silent and broken. Tired and helpless. She could not bring herself to look deep within herself to find the inner peace. She could not find the strength to pray.

Never was she this broken. The girl who was deemed heartless, have a heart afterall.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Fairytales dont exist in real life. It really dont. If everyone beg to differ, then there's really nothing much to say.

Leonardo Da Vinci once said that there is only one match made for you. To fully complement you and for you to know that you will not be able to find one like it ever again once you've walked past it.

Never in my life would i expect for me to find that match at such a young age.

My heart bleeds at the thought of things. Tears unconsciously fall as I stare out in space. I've begged for it to just be a dream. I thought I would be strong enough for this. But I'm failing. I'm succumbing to that corner.

Everyone suddenly realised, I'm actually human. But I know there is one person that knows that I've always been human.

How can 2 individuals perfectly in love, 2 souls made for each other been torn apart by everything else but not them? How can society still be this prejudice? Forbidden Love? How can one refuse to see that we make each other perfectly happy? How can they fail to see that things are perfect? How can everything else be more important than that? Isn't happiness and love the key to nearly everything?

I should have realised that the rest of society still is not open to certain things like the rest of my environment.

Even royalty was never this difficult. Trust me, I should know.

I know for a fact I will never be able to love the way I did anymore. First love comes once.

I just hope we will be strong enough to face each other and not lose everything. I will not be able to take it if I lose everything and more.

I thought I would be able to face it but as always, we both know each other better than ourselves and I'm grateful. I'm already not taking things well as it is.

But as always, I'm good at putting on a mask. Look hard enough, and you'll see that everything has crumbled.

Time. Its our only choice.

--------------------------------------------------
I won't be running away even though the temptation is very great rite now. But there will come a time where I will take my leave. I have a lot of things to prove to the rest of society. I suspect the reasons for the prejudice. I am not as what they deemed me to be. I am different. I will make known that fact.

When the journey begins, thou shalt know.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It seems as though her dreams were not just dreams. They were real things that actually happened in the day to her loved ones. Her dreamscape has told her of many things. Quarrels, Arguments, Happenings. Desires, Truth, Secrets.

She thought never could she be ever spot on on such things. Until something happened. The conversation about the quitting. She thought, wasn't it all a dream the other day? But how was it that she could see the quarrel in third person and for him to tell her about it later on.

It was a different kind of deja vu.

It became something she feared off when she closed her eyes. This is her actual dreamscape.

About 1 and a half weeks ago, she remembered complaining to her cousin and bestie that she wished that she wasn't what she is. She wished, she would actually look different. They asked, why the sudden topic? She answered, its just a feeling she had recently.

There was once, recently, she was sitting out there waiting for bestie to arrive. She was gazing out and day dreaming when someone whispered in her ear, Be Strong. She turned in shock to find no one. There was no one. Everyone else was a good 200m away from her. She closed her eyes and shook things aside.

She dreamt that night. Of a certain conversation. With someone unknown. He told her to be strong, to be patient. She woke up, calm and at peace.

And she wants to tell him that, she will never walk away from him. She will not leave him alone and vulnerable to go through things by himself. As long as his feelings are true, if she is meant to be with him, she will be with him irregardless of what's happening right now. She will be there. If she is meant to take things a step at a time. To cross the sea without a life jacket or a boat. She will. If she has to fight for it, she will.

Alot of things have happened. Things that he know that she knows, things that he doesnt know that she knows and things that were told to her to break them up and he doesnt know.

But what others don't know is... She always have faith in him.

She knows deep within her heart that she will always be there for him. She hopes he knows that.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Its times like this where I realised my heart's true emotions.

Its times like this that it overflows.

Its times like this that I am so glad to him.

Its times like this that I unconsciously smile to a memory.

Its times like this that I'm grateful he allowed this to happen.

Its times like this that I actually feel lucky.

Its times like this that I believe this is love.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Random Things.

1. Shahdon hates my hairstyle. He thinks that I look like a witch. Thanks ah! *grumbles*

2. Been feeling lethargic lately. My spinning head is back.

3. I think I'm gonna change hairstyle again soon...

4. I need my bed. Now.

5. My girls' bf and exes are pissing me off. I will refrain from blowing my top at their partners. Especially a particular person's ex. He is pissing me way beyond I thought he could piss me off. I thought the previous one was annoying enough. This? This definitely take the cake.

So much for no distraction down there aie buddy? Learning and trying to be closer to god will be easier if you have a pure heart without having to think about other things? I believe... That was the reason back then no?

You know... trying to be close to god doesn't include hurting people in the process. Doesn't include being mean. Maybe you should look in the mirror before you start preaching. Maybe you should look inside yourself before saying all the things you've said. One more word to her, I'm stepping in. Get it?

Even if it means its gonna be a fucking long telephone call.

6. I wanna be pampered.

7. I will never win if ever the day come where I have to compete, comparing to them. I will never look like them.

8. I am currently wondering what he is doing right now. He must be busy... He's been so quiet.. haiz.

9. I have a bad temptation to shop rite now.

10. And what's up with everyone getting married? bleargh~ Is it a good year or something?

11. I'm beginning to believe now, more that ever.. that INTELLIGENCE IS SEXY. I am attracted to intelligence. LOL. It has always managed to catch my eye! *smiles* So basically, intelligent guys, beware! lol!! Dont worry (too much), I'm already attached to an intelligent guy... khekhekhkehe

Monday, May 12, 2008

Wenjoyable Weekend.

Saturday
Met the 2 idiots. Was dragged to a manicure. Yes yes, I know I seem to be going for manicures quite often this month. LOL~ Anywayz, I prefer this one more than the previous one. I really won't mind if I have to travel allllll the way there to see here... She did a great job.

Only that I find my nail's colour quite disturbing. Its no longer cotton candy pink like the prev one. It is like hot metallic pink. Bleargh~

This month is pink month or something. I can bet you in the magz pink will be in 3 mths time.

Met Deena rite after that, went to watch Over Her Dead Body. Like finally. Since Mel already watched it! bleaargh~

NOW. THAT WAS GOOOOODDDDDD!! khekhekhehke..

The highlight of the day: Was when we couldn't stop talking about certain something and even Haizad continued it till I reached home. But the downside? 3/4 of the topic revolved ard me. Seeing the subject matter, its not flattering. I swear.

Sunday
I went for training on Sunday after being missing for 5weeks. Yes. 5 WEEKS! and coach said that I've been missing for 5 months and gained 3kgs!

I just gave him the death stare. GAINED 3KGS EH??

Thank god Matt sided me. He said i've lost weight! THANKS MATT! khekhekhekhe... Which coach obviously didn't believe. He said.. "ok lor.. if you think you've lost weight, can look at the mirror and cont. denying."

I took my equipments and was preparing for training... "eh coach, i lost weight ok! wah lau."

Him: how much?
Me: 6 kgs lor!
Him: When was the last time i saw you?
Me: After KL wat! KL was in march...
Him: 6kgs only.. next time lose 10 or 15 la..
Me: Still loosing can! At least i lost 6kgs not gained 6kgs! BLEARGH~!!

So while training... Even though I died fast... I was faster as well...

Coach: "WAH MAKCIK NOT BAD AH~ you very fast today.. must be coz of 6kgs lighter rite?"

Annoying rite? haiz haiz haiz haiz!

BUT...

We got a mini competition. Coach was so confident that he will have all victories. And he wanted to fence me first. coz he say the easiest to die! ha! nearly won him then. lost by a point. At direct elimination... I ELIMINATED HIM!

There la. Told him already... Don't dare me. Don't wanna listen... LOL!

The highlight of the day: Was that I won my Coach in a little mini competition between the 6 of us! I came in 2nd place!!!! The last time i won him was when i was 15 - at the peak of my career. Now, 4 yrs later! After coming back for a yr!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!! This is gonna be a greater motivation to lose more weight!!

VICTORY WAS SWEETTT!! -boogies about-
Promises.

I guess promises are meant to be broken. Disappointment accompanies you. Words of yesteryears.

I shouldn't have listened then. I shouldn't hope now. I should just take it as it is... and throw it immediately away.

I should have known better. Sometimes, I hate the fact that I can remember things so vividly.

Promises. Ha. Those are just mere jokes ain't it?

Friday, May 09, 2008

Today was bad. Like as tho my wk wasn't bad enuff as it is. Pardon my sms lang. as i am bloggin frm my ph 4 d very 1st time. Am pissed but am also 2 tired 2 go to d study rm 2 turn on d comp. bleargh~

so here i am bloggin on my bed as i do not haf a lappie. note 2 self: go get one

work was one annoyin bitch! i shld haf juz left. arh! called him on impulse n started rantin. 2day put d cherry on top of d alrdy piled up shit!

met shah n kin wif my couz. i'm gonna miss u shah!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

What's Important to You... And What Isn't:
For you, your career is usually your number one priority.

You find getting things done to be fairly satisfying. You like feeling accomplished.

Your most important priorities get your attention. You are happily able to let the less important things slide.

You want money to be a high priority, but you don't often get around to it.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay.

Now, that show is hilarious shite. I think Harold Lee is so cute! lol!! I'm serious. khekhekhe... As in looks-wise as well. No? *grins*

Watched it twice and dragged Mel when I watched it the second time coz Harold Lee totally reminds me of him when I first watched it. khekhekhkhe... And he agreed. kwang kwang kwang~~

And I do think the Poem of Love - Square root of 3 is sooooo sweet. lol!

Intelligence is sexy. I'm serious. lol!!!


Ps: Got meself a new scent. YSL Babydoll. LOVING IT! Its sswwweettttt. lol.
Oohhh & Aaahhh

My weekend was filled with laughter, ooohing and aahings. No i didn't do anything kinky.

I met my godchildren.

A'liah, Aniq & Aryan

Triple A yo!

Bought shoes for the twins and soft toys! CHIP & DALE! soo cute! Even Mel had to admit that the soft toys were cute. LOL!!!

Despite the little awkwardness abt me handling children (you guys shld see! everyone was laughing at me... By everyone, i meant everyone.. -,-"), by the end of the day, I want my own kids. Serious! WAAHAHAHHA!

So cute and so loving and their eye twinkles when they smile and when they snuggle into your hugs and when they hold on tight to your fingers... you just unconsciously smile.

You feel needed. You're warm from the smiles and snuggles. You talk cute and you don't care. You feel the need to protect.

And shit. My biological clock's ticking.

Pictures will be up soon~ *grins*

Friday, May 02, 2008

Pickled Fickled.

I could go on a rant rite now... But I am trying to control myself. Therefore, as a result I have gone against my diet and ate carbo for lunch. I ate Wanton Noodles. Yup I ate NOODLESS!!! argh.

I am so gonna get scolding for that. ARGH!

On top of that, I bought the single scoop ben & jerrys' cookie dough from 7-11. Bleargh~ I am going to gain all the weight that i've lost!! *screams*

But rite now, i'm feeling a little TOOOOO full. really feel like vomitting.. Doesn't help that I was nauseous the whole day!

*scolds self* Nad nad, you should know yourself better.. next time if nauseous eat light... And not eat heavy food and now at the risk of throwing it all out again.. BLEARGH!

ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Get me a job pple. I'm driving myself crazy here.

Paranoid & Fickle is not a good combination. It doesnt drive the person in question crazy.. It drives the ones in their surrounding crazy. I thought bosses are leaders. Leaders are not suppose to be indecisive. Rite now, I feel like biting someone. bleargh~