Happy & Sad

that's like a contradiction isn't it? those 2 emotions. How can one be happy and sad? Oh wells.

Happy. Yes, I was really happy yesterday even though rochana wanna kill me for it. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA. kinda thought that I will get it, and i did. SO THAT'S GOOOODD!! I couldn't stop grinning all day.

got into trouble with mom for overspending last mth. i cant remember what i spent on either besides school books and food coz i lost my atm card rite the other day.. I'm sorry.

times like this, i wish i'm working. I wish that i wasn't a full time student. But there's really no point wishing is there? I've already quit my job and I am here in Adelaide doing my second year!

YUP! that. speaking of which. I'm scared for my essays due in approximately 14 days time. its like.. I'm just scared for it.

the other day, i went to admissions office and asked about postgrad. Yeah, I did asked about it. Postgraduate Law in Flinders. the requirements aren't bad but at the same time, after last december's rejection i'm a little... well. put off. And uni in UK do not offer postgraduate. i'll have to do the normal LLB but that's fine coz its the same. 3 years.

I'm jealous. Oh hell yes i am. of friends in law degrees, of friends who just graduated from paris with a fashion design degrees, of friends who's already ending this journey.

Its funny really, when back then, i was that girl who designed. People had visions of me being someone.

This year, i reacquainted with lots of my secondary school friends online. we're chatting online now. they're all graduating this yr. and I can't help but be sad. I don't know what's gonna happen in my future.

Will I be that lawyer that i've been dreaming my whole life?

I wanna be successful, I wanna touch people, I wanna be famous. Sounds like a Pussycat Dolls song.

I had a plan when i was young. When I was 13 I had a plan. I am still on the plan just alittle rerouted. Some things were never meant to be on that plan. but it did. regret? I don't know. it has happened anyways and there's nothing i can do about it.

And my sec sch friends have assured me to be patient. Coz it will all be worth it. The future will work out for me. Will it? Really? I'm just... scared?

I want to change my life. I will. That's a promise to myself and one i've told my myself to do for my mom.

And on other saddening issues, you. its funny really. just really funny the extend you go to. Sometimes, I don't know what is it that you want from me or out of me. I really don't. You confuse the hell out of me sometimes and there are times that i choose to ignore it.

I'm just frustrated sometimes. yes, with you. But i don't show it. as always. and you, you've chosen to ignore it sometimes, as always. why can't things be easy? why?

PUTTING EVERYTHING ASIDE,

i'm like half way thru semester 1. which means that soon it will be over. and half year is gone! and one more year and i will be out of the bachelor of Arts and doing law. hopefully. and finally.

I'll just concentrate on that coz, I guess, nothing else matters.

Omg. i'm so annoyed rite now. gosh. its like as though i'm really gonna kill someone rite now. its 10.39am rite now.. and quess where i am? yes i'm in school.

what time is my damn class? its at 1pm. hooray. fuck. i really feel like as thought i'm about to murder someone. goddamit.

the person is so gonna die. maybe not today but he will die. think can be so easily let off meh?! kns.

well if i were to look on the bright side at least i have time to finish my tutorial prep. bleargh.

whatever it is. i'm annoyed. i could have woken up much later instead of having my alarm starting to ring since 7am. i'm currently waiting for rochana to finish her tutorial coz i can't function on anything rite now. so yeah. prepare for wat tutorial rite?!

argh. so angry. so annoyed. so frustrated can.

yes. i didnt sleep much yesterday. or rather this morning. i only fell asleep at 620am adelaide time.

15 more mins till rochana appears to save me.

btw, i was reading xiaxue's blog yesterday... and she finally blogged about her wedding. i think its really pretty the mafia theme and all.. lol. =)

All first tutorials are done and I am currently quite happy to be where I am. YEAR 2. heh. people should be proud of me i think.

Despite the fact that I have a ton of stuff due in approximately 3 weeks time. As all of you would most probably already know. 3 weeks is NOTHING! gosh.

But year 2 is different. I can see the change and I can feel it too. Amongst familiar faces which I have bumped into over the past year. Everyone's alittle more sane me thinks. And I? I am still the same. =)

I found out that the guys are in Malaysia for the Malaysia Open. Somehow, I don't know why, I was kinda down after finding that out. Even tho they tell me still about their trip, but I just feel bleargh. hmmm its the 2nd year since i came back into fencing that i've missed Malaysia Open.

I don't know. I miss fencing. A hell lot. I should be turning up for training at the uni. But its just not the same. I don't have anyone to fence with. The guys don't talk to me for god knows what reasons and its been a year since I had a proper training.

Being in the only girl in the team is not a new experience for me. I have always been the only girl in the team and I've never been isolated before. *shrugs*

Truthfully, going there and being treated the way i'm treated is the only thing that makes training a chore. 2 days in a week. 2hours a day. Doing one of the things I really love, alone (practically alone k, i do my own drills, i run on my own, so yeah).

But yes, if i have to admit. I miss fencing. Doesn't help that I didn't do much training when I was back the other day.

Its like an unsatisfied craving.

OF TOPIC GUIDES AND TUTORIAL PREPS.

I am currently turning suicidal after reading my Third World Politics Topic Guide. Oh god. Help.

Yes, I think i'm going to kill myself with a root of the tree outside my room. I'm serious. Doesn't help that my topic convenor is bitchy as fuck. Its like she's constantly not satisfied with the attention her husband is giving her (now, that i really wouldn't know).

I was suppose to go for my Australian Government and Public Policy lecture... its a 2hr lecture in which i fell aslp and arrived in school for the second hour. but how can i forget that public policy lectures are held in Social Science North Lecture Theatre 3. Yup. I had the same lecture theatre last sem when I was doing Government, Business, Society (its like a year 1 subject of politics and public policy).

So coz of that, and the supposed break that was suppose to happen in the middle of the lecture didnt happen, i ended up NOT going for the lecture.

Coz, the lecture theatre is THAT SQUEAKY. its like a bloody dinosaur entered the lt even when nobody is walking on it but just shifting from one seat to the other. So can you imagine if I actually came late for the lecture and me dressed the way I am. I'm ONE HUGE AND COLOURFUL DINOSAUR pls. bleargh. so can you imagine the sound it'll make?! it'll be like a bloody earthquake.

argh. but yes, rite now, i'm just panicking at the fact that i think my semester is gonna be hell. SO MUCH FOR 3 BLOODY SUBJECTS AND 3 BLOODY DAYS IN SCHOOL! ITS ALL LIES I TELL YOU! LIESSSS!!!

I will have to print my topic guides out at the end of the day later. haiz. Coz, I emailed my Third World Politics topic convenor rite if i could get a copy of the topic guide and i got a curt and short reply from her asking me to collect the topic guide from her tmr. BUT i sense the underlying sarcasm in the email. let me show you wat the reply was...

"Dear Nur

Most people attending the lectures would have received one. You may pick it up from my office Tomorrow. Room (insert room number)

Regards
(insert name)"

Its like... WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG SIA?!

so I didn't attend the past 2 lectures. Pls la. my lectures and class are back to back you really want me to wait for the bus until the birds migrate for a bus ride that is 5mins and turn up for a 50mins lecture when classes are cancelled? NO RITE.

anyways, i think my third world politics lectures are compulsory.

Oh wells. I should go and find the textbook for tutorial later since i can't find it in the bookshop~!

Australian Government and Public Policy ftw! *rolls eyes and dies*

Dear John

watched it the other day with rochana...

How was it? I would say that its your typical romantic movie. The hot macho soldier who is clumsy and sensitive at the same time falls in love with the sweet, good uber good looking girl (i've never seen amanda seyfried look that good in my life before) which he helped at the beach.

Some of the scenes are so expected that I could just roll my eyes. But the script was good nonetheless, many would say that the book is so much better than the movie but i really wouldnt know coz i've never read the book before. Besides, its just an adaptation. And channing tatum is my all time fav. so that's another plus point! lol!

I would rate the tear jerker, heart wrenching moments 4 out 5. YERP! its that cry worthy! Please don't tell me you won't cry if you see someone as macho as channing tatum break down? LOL!

but anyways,

as expected as it would be, i think the girls would watch it just because of channing tatum and the guys amanda seyfried and some guys, channing tatum as well =)

how can you not wanna stare at him for a whole hour? simply yummilicious!

Alice in Wonderland

Finally caught it the other day with mel... And truthfully I have no idea what to describe it yet. After awhile in the movie theatre, I was more conscious of my sweater making me comfortable and that my eyes were getting drooopy!

Well the mad hatter cant seem to make up his mind whether to be captain jack sparrow, willy wonka or what. The one thing I like about the mad hatter is his make up and costume.

The chesire cat was cute. lol! but he's a cat that's afraid to get in involved with politics sooo... what else can he do rite to influence the story?

The things that I find worth watching was the two queens. They're just plain entertaining. The red queen coz of her tantrum and the white coz of the trying to uphold her demure-ness.

Alice was expressionless. I don't know if she is suppose to be expressionless but she doesn't even look confused even tho her script suggested that she was confused. LOL! am i making you all confused yet? HAHHAHAHAHAHA

But the script was not bad tho, even tho the near-to-monotonous tone taken on by Alice is quite grating.

So Alice in Wonderland? I think you guys buy the DVD better or watch it when you really have nothing else to watch. LOL!

SNOOZE...

Yesterday I accidentally slpt late and thanks to that I woke up damn late resulting in me still being awake rite now.

time check: 5.37am Adelaide time.

I'm tired but I can't fall asleep so here I am, wide awake and blogging.

I have to wake up early later coz I'm meeting Mel to watch Alice In Wonderland and he ends class at 1pm! god help!

But I will definitely tell you guys about it.. cant wait to see the much discussed movie amongst critics!

and i definitely can't wait to see my favourite cat!

I'm just sad that the cat is not in its traditional magenta and baby pink! Its white with blue stripes. But whatever it is. It looks cuter than the traditional chesire cat. The one in the story books just look smack-worthy. Yup. It actually looked annoying. HAHAHAHHAA...

And rite now, I am feeling narcissistic. So I will upload a few pics of myself! =)

Pretty not? Pretty not?!?!?!

Dont anyone think i look slim in this pic? So reminder to self: Pout more often while taking photos!

Ok a decent picture before the end!

GOOD NIGHT WORLD!

And yes, I like my hair now despite what deena and mommy says! btw, i think my hair is long already. tsk. see.. told ya my hair grow like grass no matter how short i cut. LOL!

But hair. I LOVE YOU!! SO DONT BE SENSITIVE AND STOP GROWING K? JUST CONT GROWING THE WAY YOU HAVE! love love~

Of mystical creatures and imaginations...

Does normality exist? Cant they exist in storybooks?

Science fiction allows the imagination to run free. Allows me to embrace the world that I can never have. Allows me to feel the wind of a faraway land in my hair and smile to mystical creatures that reality could never comprehend. But even then, can't certain things just be normal.

Abnormality is so common in reality but do story books have to embrace it as well? Does the only escape i have from reality can no longer be what I can regard as an escape? Its all too familiar. Stupidity of the female character, blinded by infatuation and dreams of what can never be - drive the plot to unfolding the adventures of various characters. Dragons, mystical beings, adventures of the sea, high society.

Story books used to be about what is rare in this world. What used to be rare is now common. So can't story books just write the stuff that used to be common. stuff that allows your heart to flutter with imagination and smiles to be carved just as your imagination run with each word and phrase you read off the book and embrace the colours it brings to the deepest corners of your mind?

Of Joys and Children

I may outrightly state that i dislike children. Most likely coz I don't have the patience to tolerate them. Yes, I salute mothers. For having the patience I, obviously, lack.

But I do not deny that children make me smile. Their antics so clueless of everything, their laughter rang with so much innocence - its refreshing.

I care for my godchildren more than I would allow myself to admit and receiving pics like this in my mailbox coz i'm so far away and its her first day of school just makes me smile even more.

Day #2

Its my 2nd full day back in Australia and a calming effect has taken over. I'm back to being able to sleep soundly at night and have dreams.

Dreams.

They're the words of the unconscious mind are they not? They're the words of what have beens, would haves and wat will not. If only they don't exist anymore. Could I survive without it?

I've changed it seemed. I think I'm more bitter about certain aspects of my life now more than ever. Career. Yup. That's the one thing that's making me bitter that even bile seemed sweet.

I want it so much I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever get it. *smiles sadly*

I've been disappointed too many times in this lifetime that I'm afraid to hope anymore. But I'm still so young. I'm only 23 going on 24. I have a whole stretch of events waiting to unfold. OH WELLS.

Fear. The one thing that makes me aware that I'm alive. I'm good at hiding it though... rite?

Secrets. Words hidden, feelings kept, facade displayed like a scene ripped off a play.

and when does it unfold then?

Yeah. When the lights go out, and diamonds appear upon the velvet backdrop.

Then it'll be back to square 1 wont it? Dreams.