Today is my free day.

Im supposed to go to school and get my Student ID. But ah well, i'll just do it tmr. I'm too lazy to do anything today...

My butt's aching from all the climbing of hill i did the past few days.

I'm going to cook later, waiting for my potatoes to cool down before cutting it up. I hate cooking. Its not that I can't. Its just that I'm lazy to do it. ESPECIALLY the cleaning up afterwards.

haix. To tell you the truth, i would rather not eat. bleargh. I have no idea why the pots and pans here have to be extra heavy either.

I'm still tired from everything or rather, events that occured before I reach here. Its been close to a week that I'm here.

I bury myself in all forms of mundane activities so that I wouldnt have to think about anything else. I washed the toilet yesterday! yes people. record it down. go get 4D!

Do I miss home? I'm actually not sure. Am I homesick? Actually i don't think so. I can survive here perfectly well on my own.

Missing everyone? hmm yeah i suppose.. alittle bit.

The one thing i don't really like about staying with a family is.. I dunno. maybe they see the need to try and be nice to me?

Everytime they see me, they asked, how's my day? how's everything?

The one thing i can think off in my mind is.. Boring. I can't possibly answer that out of all purpose of politeness. I'm not used to people asking me how was my day and what i did. I actually find all these conversations painful

I'm not the kind to open up willingly. I'm not the kind who likes talking about my day and my activities. How interesting can a conversation that's answered with , "It was fine.. i had fun." "it was ok... nothing much really." and "its was great.. rather interesting." be?

Honestly, i think i might actually be happier being left alone without any forced conversation to deal with. I take every opportunity available to escape.

I miss people who i can actually talk to. About anything.

Its actually surreal that this journey has begun. I still cant believe it. Even though, its been what I've wanted to do since sec sch. Study overseas. My degree...

Its been rather distant and awkward and I can't seem to pinpoint what it is actually. Not on earth half the time. Maybe he misses home? I don't know.

Its only been a fortnight and so much has changed. oh well. People move on fast. People change.

Its about time I do. I'm tired.

I wonder what will 5yrs do to those i've left behind at home? haix.

Hi, I'm from Mars! You?

This, is Week 'O'. and I had my orientation just now.

I'm the exotic looking girl where nobody knows from where.. and even then, they're still shocked when they found out i'm not australian.. *faints*

I'm the only asian in my first yr undergrad bachelor programme. (There's this other Malaysian guy around. but he's rather annoying. so, no one really bothers talking to him.)

I'm known as the girl that doesn't really have an accent, have no idea where she's from but we all know that she has big beautiful brown eyes!

I really don't know how to react to that. really.

I have no idea whether i'm ugly or wat lor! but then.. everyone's somewhat young and SLIM! idiots. i feel fat.

So we had to play a game just now... BINGO. its like descriptive random phrases and you have to put in the name of the people that you think fits it.

There was a box for, not born in Adelaide, has brown eyes, etc.

So everyone ran to me when i have no idea who said that, SHE'S NOT LOCAL to someone (not that loud of course)

and suddenly i was specimen A.

let me show you an example of one conversation i had.

there was one girl saw me and asked me... OMG! everyone's saying you're from singapore... so is like singaporean your first language?
me: *chokes on lemonade*
me: erm.. no.. we speak english perfectly well and singaporean is our identity..
her: ohhh really? i work in an asian restaurant and they have all these singaporean dishes..
me: ohh wow.. ok..
her: so what;s your modules?
me: i'm taking the politics majors..
her: oh wow.. you're really smart..

I really didnt know how to react to such things.

So in the midst of nearly everyone writing my name in that box (after looks of shock that i'm not local and awe that i'm singaporean) suddenly someone was like.. i love your eyes! they're really brown! like milk chocolate! beautiful too~

then everyone stared and then those who already had someone in the tab of not born in adelaide wrote my name in "has brown eyes" box.

I just stared. In horror.

Unlike someone who got approached by fellow region counterparts and asked whether he's japanese, i sadly didnt receive any of that. all i got was winks and smiles. bleargh~!

somehow, i suddenly dont see any other fellow region counterparts anymore. especially at the cafe just now. i have no idea why!!

and my first friend is jade. she's platinum blonde, has greenish brown eyes and really really really pretty. well at least i think she is. pretty i mean. she's doing a double degree in art/education.. so ya.. might be seeing her ard sch.. who knows.. *shrugs*

so today,

I was Specimen A.

I'd be better of in a medicine degree don't you think? as long as i'm not something to be stared at and then write a thesis on. LOL~!

I'll try to update more often k? byeee.. me going off again... soon. i realised. i dont really have much clothes for sch. so me is going jay jays.

Dear All,

YES I'VE REACHED YESTERDAY at 7.40am (australia time that would make it 5.10am in singapore)! SAVE AND SOUND!!! LOL!!

been going about and ended up in Marion Shopping Centre. MUAHAHAHAH~!! me is liking it. and yes. i shop by myself.

I went to central market with my landlord yesterday to get food and necessary groceries.

Went to Marion just now coz i was exploring the buses. SO yes, i was by myself waiting for the non-existent bus. haix. coz i was at the bus stop a little TOOOOOO early. bloody hell.

But its a nice change. I love staring at the valley when i'm in the bus. LOL! AND I LOVE MARION. Have i said that already? Lol.

Living on the hills is quite inconvenient as the buses are scarce. I might move down to the flatlands... who knows? LOL!

It was my landlord's brother's birthday today.. so the family was here and they had BBQ and i was a part of it!! yayness!! the children are so cute my god! i wanna bite them.. but i dont have pictures~!!

sorry!

And thanks everyone for sending me off the other day. really appreciate it. Missing you guys already!!!

Will be bringing my cammie out one of these days~!

To Be Continued...

We'll have this conversation again, 5 years later.

We'll see what happens then.

Coz i dont see the point of explaining my life to anyone.

Am I suppose to be the one asking?

Sometimes, I dunno who's been the fool.

Sometimes, I dunno why is it so hard to be truthful to me.

Sometimes, I wonder whether did I know the truth or otherwise all these while.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on.

Sometimes, I wonder why do i even bother staying around when there's so many unanswered questions.

Sometimes, I wonder whether is it me that's been too hard on you.

If yes, then tell me, and i'll leave.

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I'm not looking forward to things anymore. I'm leaving behind all familiarity for something unknown. I've lost all faith in mankind. All faith. And yet, I'm diving into a possible shitty situation all by myself. I have a knack for such things.

Have I been blind? I'm not just another character in a book. I'm human.

How can everything right be wrong? There will always be Hope? No? But no.. All hope is lost.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you'll have to paint it green sometimes.

I'm hurt, I'm lost and I'm heartbroken.

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Thanks. Thanks for showing me exactly what I mean to you.

Don't ever think of sharing the light that comes along with the glory of my achievements. Don't ever think of that.

Don't ever think that a day will come where I will stoop and bow down. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you will be in my memory till end of time. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think of all the possibilities the future could bring you with my success. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you'll have a place in my heart. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think this girl will just compromise her life and believes for you, of all people. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that I will ever ask for your forgiveness and don't ever think that I will accept it the day you seek me for it. Don't ever think that.

I told you that I will never find someone who will ever accept me for who I am ever again. And you never did believe did you?

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I'm so afraid. I'm just really afraid. of things, of you, of everyone, of myself. For once, I wanna let my guard down, I wanna be dependent on someone for a change, I wanna be pampered and looked after too. A girl always will wanna be loved even if she denies it. I wanna be that girl too, but too many things have showed me not too.

I wanna ask things from people, only to realise that the questions can't seem to come out of my mouth coz I'm afraid of the rejection that might accompany the reply.

hmmm... so one would be wondering what did i do on vday rite?

i was fen.cing. with josh. *rolls eyes* basically, we're the two without dates when i ask him why he said this.. ,"i dont have girlfriend la, cant be bothered... waste money."
Me:"like as if you have so little to begin with."
him:"no girlfriend = more money = more clothes for me"

and when he asked me why i dont have a date... COACH JUST HAD TO BUTT IN. bleargh.

then i was on the road for abt... 4 and half hours and then, i was picked up and drove toooo...

A METAL GIG!

lol! trust me. it was one experience. lol. i dont listen to rock... much, and i dont listen to things that i wont understand. sooooooo, it was interesting

the moshing, the s0ngs, and how people were so high on drugs / alcohol. LOL!

how was my weekend? it was activity filled. Gig, shopping, driving, bowling, dvd marathon, arcade, karaoking, chilling and eating. lots of things.

thanks for everything. you'll definitely be missed.

i already dont know how i'm gonna survive there. bleargh.

ALUMNUS PAPPARAZZIS!

Remember the last time I went for Alumni Gathering at Fort Canning? Yeah well, our cammies were not the only ones filled with our faces you know. We took pics with the event photographers. LOL!

So i've been waiting for the pics to materialise when I received a message from Kin this morning our pic was on album cover. For a moment there I was like.. HUH? WHAT PICTURE? WHAT THING? WHAT EVENT?

She asked me to check my mail.

And this was what I saw as the album cover.

We took ton of pics and I didnt expect them to put it ALL UP! We took abt 10-15 pics (i mean with event photographer is alot wat), and the best part? its ALL UP! *hides face*

Hahaha.. DramaTec better be proud to have seniors like us. LOL!~

I actually find this quote entertaining and well.. very true.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

And Deena, where did you find this? you too free hor!

Hide & Seek

Its funny, really, the things I resort to just for that one person. Never once have I ever have to hide from anyone and hope that I was as clear as air. And yet, I still do it...

I'm not the most humble person around. I think I'm quite arrogant. My pride and ego is always so high. And yet.

I really have nothing to say. Do I feel like shit? yeah. I guess I do. I'm now the friend. Fine. But yet, I am still the one that can't be seen.

How does it feel really? To have the one person (besides your mom) that you cherish more than your life depart for a foreign land and there you are, present but hiding behind a ticketing counter to see him off. Not even sure if you can see him personally before he flies off. Because you're just not suppose to exist. At least not anymore.

This is not a plot i took out of the recent Korean Drama series i'm watching. this is real life. This is mine.

With arms folded and listening, one can only imagine the fear within. I was scared, I was on the verge of tears and I was sad. Its been such a long time since my guard went up that high. Its been such a long time. One can practically see a great wall of china built right in between us as he stood right in front of me.

It's weird saying goodbye. It really is. I've never said goodbye to friends before. Especially not him. I've never been good with goodbyes. I can't seem to say anything. I'll just keep quiet and stay as far away as possible.

I hate the idea of pple leaving. I hate the idea of going away.

I am sometimes afraid of the things I will do to overcome that.

Patience Nad, patience. Nothing stays rock bottom forever. You of all people should know that better than anyone else. Haven't you learn that? your whole life?

Dear God,

Give me the patience and strength to keep it in.
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I hope you've reached. Safe and sound.

The picture that made me smile.

Credits to Sin Ni and the scrapbook she made for me. And I know she's not that arty farty and for her to do that for me.. AWW~! *tears*

4Oreos was well known. This is the girl band that graced many school events. The girl band that joined the school talent time and got into the top 5 finals. This is the girl band that played our own instruments, create our own dance moves and sing, with cordless, clip on mics! WAHAHAHAH~!!

From left to right: Syazana, Me, Sin Ni & Tuti (yes, that toot chinese looking girl at that corner is tuti! one of the cleverest girl in school)

Yes. yes. I WAS THAT SIZE FOR MOST OF MY SEC SCHOOL YEARS! except sec 4. ok? haiyo! and yes pple, better believe it when each time my cousin talks about our outings in town at that time and she always tend to tell the whole world that I was constantly in baggy jeans and short tshirts or those oversized short tees. lol!

with that size, you can wear practically anything no? LOL!

but ya. i liked my size then! i wanna be that size again!

Say it pple say it. Dont think i cannot hear what your mind is thinking. "Go DIET NAD!!"\

*rolls eyes*

So my heart speaks...

I'm back at work after more than a week of absence. It feels weird and I'm really tired. There's some things that I need to buy and I have yet to go get it and I have no idea when i'm gonna do that seeing how my week is already packed.

I've already packed my bag and I am literally living out of the suitcase. Reminder to self: I need to buy one more.

Some of my heels are already transported there and I'm looking at the rest of my shoes and I'm wondering, should i? I'm living on a hill and when on earth am i going to run up and down in my heels? You pple yourself know how high my heels are. My shortest is 2.5 to 3 inches. bleargh~

Will I be able to withstand everything there?

Or will I make a move out of there into a whole new continent altogether?

I'm so scared of things. I just dont know what's going on. The unknown is driving me nuts more now then ever! I've been losing even more sleep then before and I cant help myself.

I worry too much. for myself and others.

Am I grateful to have you there with me? Yes I am. Am I scared at that fact? To tell you the truth, I am. Too many things have happened to us and to you with regard to us and me. I don't wanna jeopardize anything for you. I constantly question whether am I ever really worth it for you. Things are different now, is it really?

So yes. I am scared and afraid even though I wanna be selfish and smile. I've told myself countless times to not think about it. But I can't help it. I'm sorry if I care too much but you know me well enough. You know why.

That's the reason why I cant seem to type things out yesterday. So many things are still too fresh even though us have died sometime back. My heart still hurts as if its just yesterday.

There's too many love-hate relationships going on around me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know myself better, I know the other party better than anyone else here. I don't know whether I should please others or I should just please myself.

I've been making my own stand. I've been ignoring snide remarks but that doesn't mean I'm not sad hearing all that. People should know me better than that. I've always wondered how did things end up like that.

was it my fault?

Its sad. really. Nobody is unworthy. Nobody has the right to judge someone else to classify them. Don't tell me who I deserve and who deserves me. I'm no angel. No one has the right to judge that and no one has the right to say anything in that way.

So I know that its out of concern. I know that its been awhile already. But I know that I'm not over things. Will I ever be? I don't know. I'm great at hiding things and putting up a front. But you should know me better than that. really.

Just let me be. I know its hard for ya'll to see me like this. I've managed to control things from surfacing for awhile already.. or maybe.. not. I don't know.. but please... its my heart. I'm the one hurting / in love / confused / happy. I'm the one feeling it all, not you.

Financially, I wonder how mom is gonna survive here. I know she's going through alot. But I'm really sorry. I need to be away. I need to stay away. I'm afraid of certain things and this is one of it. I don't know how to face things. Is it really fair for me to change everyone's life for my dream?

I feel guilty about wanting to go away sometimes. Sometimes, I'm looking forward to it more then I should. It scares me really. Has life been all that unfair to me here? Its not... but you know...

Am I too independent for my own good?

I'm afraid of leaving things behind and yet I wonder of what's there. Makes sense?

I love my mom. That I know very well. I just hope she will be able to accept me going away. I just hope she knows that I will need to grow up one day soon and find my own path in life. I hope she won't think that I won't need her anymore.

When I thought that the tear ducts have run dry. I'm wrong. Again.

My friends. My best friends. they've seen me grow, they've seen me change, they've seen me through everything. How i'm afraid that this distance will change alot of things. Oh so afraid. How I'm afraid that time will pull us apart. How i'm afraid that we'll all change.

I'm afraid of being alone even though I don't admit it. I'm afraid of being left behind. I'm afraid of standing there waiting and no one will come along. I'm afraid that I might lose the things that I'm gonna leave behind.

What if 5 years go into forever?

I always thought that I have nothing left here. But I have more then I realised.

I hope everyone will be well. I know they will be. Why wouldn't they? =)

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I'm leaving on a jet plane...
Don't know when I'll be back again.

I'm watching my Korean Dramas,

But i'm crying for a whole different reason altogether.

I drove yesterday.

Around my neighbourhood. Love it love it love it!!!

LOL!

now i need to find another person who is willing and patient enough to teach me things.. =P