The One of A Kind

So my heart speaks...

I'm back at work after more than a week of absence. It feels weird and I'm really tired. There's some things that I need to buy and I have yet to go get it and I have no idea when i'm gonna do that seeing how my week is already packed.

I've already packed my bag and I am literally living out of the suitcase. Reminder to self: I need to buy one more.

Some of my heels are already transported there and I'm looking at the rest of my shoes and I'm wondering, should i? I'm living on a hill and when on earth am i going to run up and down in my heels? You pple yourself know how high my heels are. My shortest is 2.5 to 3 inches. bleargh~

Will I be able to withstand everything there?

Or will I make a move out of there into a whole new continent altogether?

I'm so scared of things. I just dont know what's going on. The unknown is driving me nuts more now then ever! I've been losing even more sleep then before and I cant help myself.

I worry too much. for myself and others.

Am I grateful to have you there with me? Yes I am. Am I scared at that fact? To tell you the truth, I am. Too many things have happened to us and to you with regard to us and me. I don't wanna jeopardize anything for you. I constantly question whether am I ever really worth it for you. Things are different now, is it really?

So yes. I am scared and afraid even though I wanna be selfish and smile. I've told myself countless times to not think about it. But I can't help it. I'm sorry if I care too much but you know me well enough. You know why.

That's the reason why I cant seem to type things out yesterday. So many things are still too fresh even though us have died sometime back. My heart still hurts as if its just yesterday.

There's too many love-hate relationships going on around me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know myself better, I know the other party better than anyone else here. I don't know whether I should please others or I should just please myself.

I've been making my own stand. I've been ignoring snide remarks but that doesn't mean I'm not sad hearing all that. People should know me better than that. I've always wondered how did things end up like that.

was it my fault?

Its sad. really. Nobody is unworthy. Nobody has the right to judge someone else to classify them. Don't tell me who I deserve and who deserves me. I'm no angel. No one has the right to judge that and no one has the right to say anything in that way.

So I know that its out of concern. I know that its been awhile already. But I know that I'm not over things. Will I ever be? I don't know. I'm great at hiding things and putting up a front. But you should know me better than that. really.

Just let me be. I know its hard for ya'll to see me like this. I've managed to control things from surfacing for awhile already.. or maybe.. not. I don't know.. but please... its my heart. I'm the one hurting / in love / confused / happy. I'm the one feeling it all, not you.

Financially, I wonder how mom is gonna survive here. I know she's going through alot. But I'm really sorry. I need to be away. I need to stay away. I'm afraid of certain things and this is one of it. I don't know how to face things. Is it really fair for me to change everyone's life for my dream?

I feel guilty about wanting to go away sometimes. Sometimes, I'm looking forward to it more then I should. It scares me really. Has life been all that unfair to me here? Its not... but you know...

Am I too independent for my own good?

I'm afraid of leaving things behind and yet I wonder of what's there. Makes sense?

I love my mom. That I know very well. I just hope she will be able to accept me going away. I just hope she knows that I will need to grow up one day soon and find my own path in life. I hope she won't think that I won't need her anymore.

When I thought that the tear ducts have run dry. I'm wrong. Again.

My friends. My best friends. they've seen me grow, they've seen me change, they've seen me through everything. How i'm afraid that this distance will change alot of things. Oh so afraid. How I'm afraid that time will pull us apart. How i'm afraid that we'll all change.

I'm afraid of being alone even though I don't admit it. I'm afraid of being left behind. I'm afraid of standing there waiting and no one will come along. I'm afraid that I might lose the things that I'm gonna leave behind.

What if 5 years go into forever?

I always thought that I have nothing left here. But I have more then I realised.

I hope everyone will be well. I know they will be. Why wouldn't they? =)

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I'm leaving on a jet plane...
Don't know when I'll be back again.