I smile everytime i look at pictures. I smile everytime i remembered our escapades. I smile everytime i see the smile carved on your face. I smile everytime i remembered our conversations of yesteryears and yesterdays.

I smile at those times when your messages make me smile, make me all warm inside, make me just burst out laughing in the train or bus. I smile knowing that your problems are lesser. I smile knowing that you're the one i've fallen for. I smile knowing that you're my best friend as well.

I fell in love with my best friend.

My boyfriend is busy and my best friend is currently missing... I miss both of them. They're both the same person.

I am officially sick.

Life sucks.

*throws confettis*



Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, i'm gonna eat some worms....

Pissed can no longer describe what i'm feeling rite now.

I'm beyond angry, beyond pissed, beyond fuming...

I'm actually feeling quite murderous rite now.

If everything is denied then how on earth am i ever going to do things? Did i sell my soul upon the signing of contract? I should have made a signed agreement on the promise of trying not to ruin my life.

I've been a law student long enough and how on earth can i forget that never to trust verbal agreements?!

How can an entitlement, MY entitlement be denied in such a way? Benefits can't be mine even though i'm entitled to it coz some people are just to fucking dependant on me?! Just coz its too fucking long? I thought its a more preferred choice as compared to the tying of things to already given rest days?

Then if i'm that important, explain then... what is all the shit that i've been receiving including the monetary rewards, revised or otherwise?

Fuck. My anger has reached beyond boiling point that i'm actually quite calm. Yes. Very calm. Too calm that its scary.

Never. I repeat, Never make me pissed.

I'm torn.

I'm all out of faith This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed Into something real
I'm wide awake And I can see
The perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

I'm getting myself a new boyfriend.

I already spoken to my darling and warned him about the fact that i'm getting myself a new boyfriend since he shamelessly showed off his new girlfriend to me sometime last month if i'm not mistaken.

Jealous? Yes, OF COURSE! Hello, it just stole my darling's attention from me! He gave that thing more attention than me! *proceeds to throw that bitch against the wall* So its about time i teach him a lesson and show him how it felt like to be in my shoes. Ha. Yes I can be a bitch when provoked. lol!

But its not an easy task really. I'm torn between 2 of the hottest men around.

Introducing

Nominee #1: Samsung E840

Nominee #2: Samsung U600

The only difference between the 2 men?

E840, was introduced later.
E840, owns a 2mgp camera while U600 owns a 3.2mgp cammie.
E840 has a sunken keypad, while U600 is the same.
E840 is 0.3mm slimmer than U600.
U600 comes in 4 different colours while E840 comes in only in silver.

Apart from that, everything else is the same.

However, E840 reminds me of my other crush, LG Shine. So with E840, i'll get a combination of both my loves into 1. U600 + LG Shine = Samsung E840. No?

I'm still trying to make up my mind and I might have to make a decision by Saturday. I'm in such dilemma.

So its said.

LOL. Expected really, especially after what's been going on. Yes, i've made up my mind...

I don't mind it especially when i've decided you know. But if my decision was otherwise, i would have been pissed to know what i was worth. To realise that after all the shit, i'm not worth that much and soon i'll begin to wonder why on earth did i even torture myself when i could have gotten what was announced or more nearly half a year ago some place else.

Right now? I can't really be bothered. I'm numb with whatever that's been happening. Any wrong exchange of vocab and they're in deep shit. That's how close i am from exploding. I've been snapping at a certain subject.

-------------------------------------------------

I've resigned to fate and i don't know what to do to help me pull through.

I'm sick and tired of everything and if somehow the news got carried by the wind.

The more the merrier and then the game begins...

--------------------------------------------------

I'm going mad. Yes i think i am. I haven't met up with anyone. I haven't let anything out to anyone.

I've been keeping things to myself and i only realised it recently. I haven't ranted to anyone... I haven't given anyone a piece of my mind, i haven't found anyone just for me to drag out to talk to and just listen to me and care and share. I haven't done that with anyone for the longest time.

Seriously, i feel quite abandoned, alone and useless. Maybe that's how those homeless people feel. Fuck. Maybe its just a phase no?


ARGH. i've officially lose it.

Took me awhile huh?

No, i've not thrown myself out the office window...

No, i've not start drinking...

And no, i've not start smoking... Well at least not yet.

Ok fine, maybe its my fault for keeping things to myself.

Feeling better Dee? Alittle. yes. lol. I'm sick i tell ya! lol

I read a blog and i read the following,

* nad, thank you for supporting me. for keeping my faith up even though u've only seen the down pts of my life in the past years. perhaps u are the only one who truly understands the dilemna i'm facing.

And tears successfully fell. I've been keeping the tears in for quite some time. I havent really really cried for awhile now. Been feeling shitty for the past weeks and reading that, it was definitely one of the things that lifted me up.

Small things, but it definitely made a difference.

To SC,

Thank you for being the friend that you are. And i'm glad i've been of some help. I know our friendship has been one of the funniest around, when we were in Poly, we have never gone out... Our first outing was Phantom of the Opera, this year, even then we've never fail to miss out on what's happening in each other's life. The down pts? lol. i'm glad you allow me to know all of that coz through all that, i've came to know the person you truly are. Trust me, this friendship, is definitely one that i never regret having. =) Thanks girl for everything...

Oh and i'm sorry for introducing you this job and getting the both of us in the mess that we are in rite now... lol! At least you've gotten out of yours only have endure a few more hurdles! Jia you!!

I left the house yest by 845. I was obviously late for my appointment at 9 at Orchard. Yohan was waiting for me with a "I'm expecting an explanation" expression when i reached yesterday.

LOL~!

I was 15-20 mins late...

But he was kind enough to finish it at 1020am when he's next appointment was at 10... WAHAHAHHAA...

*peace sign*

Went for COM rehearsals at DBS Audi. I was shocked at the size of the stage... But after sitting till about 4pm... i realised that we don't have to change anything much... we can just stay to our plans. Yup yup.

So in other words, i think there won't be any headache in the design department.

I met some of the crew yesterday... lol! they have cute phone numbers... lol!

Was supposed to meet my darling afterwards... But he was busy reading the last Harry Potter book... and well yeah, that's the reason why he didn't meet me!! *smacks mel and kill Harry Potter for stealing him from me yesterday*

So i met up with my cousin yesterday in the evening and accompanied my aunt to a party at Robin Walk, Stevens Court Condo.

Sidetrack: Nana saw me yesterday and got a shock of her life. She asked me why i looked so tired and asked me whether its my job that's doing it to me.... Constantly having that distracted look painted on my face.. Why everyone keep telling me that?! haiz.

Anyways, back to the party.

Great Food, Ok place, BORING people!

No wonder they had to hold a singles party for themselves and still not get anyone! *faints* Was invited to go Zouk and MOS yesterday... But me and my cousin cant wait to get out of there. Please la... We were both thinking, Come'on man don't think you people can handle us at clubs! lol... So we politely (trust me, it was hard not to roll your eyes or burst out laughing) turned it down despite the countless offers.

My aunt obviously saved us half the time. So my aunt was planning that this new year, both nadia and i should go clubbing for countdown... and yeah.. maybe i might just start clubbing these coming months at the rate my aunt is planning. so ya.

My mom is aware that i wanna try all these things and her light has somewhat turned quite green. Maybe she's just worried i would get into trouble with my grandmother... oh well.

Came home quite early yesterday despite attending the party and all...

So here i am at home... about to watch some vcds to hopefully but not successfully turn into a couch potato. Didn't go to the wedding with my mom, grandma and aunt, toooo tired!

I still have not been able to get some things out of my mind. Its been bugging me for quite sometime. I just needed to talk to someone. Thought i'd be doing that yesterday... but its aite... i'll just have to... hmmm i dunno. i just need to let it out... I need somebody to help me sort this out.

Its about my job.
haiz.

I'm awake...

I better go out of the house now...

I have a long day today! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I've ranted. Somewhere else but here.

muahahahahaha...

I NEED A SIGN!

how?

Turns out my MC really wasn't what I expected it to be. I had another attack this morning. It was so heavy, its weighing me down. The tightness was suffocating, I was ready to cry. It was a permanent lump in the chest and no amount of water could make it disappear.

I made the decision to go on half day.

I came to work. I shouldn't have.

The head was light, the chest was heavy.

The heart's beating too fast, the fingers are trembling.

Today's a bad day. Any day from now on would be.

For a half day, its been a really really long day.

-------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, I don't understand why when a person does his or her work fast, its assumed that one is not learning.

Yes, i've overlooked some stuff. Ok fine, i'm still getting used to it, alright? There are just some stuff that wouldn't cross my mind as something of utmost importance.

Maybe its true when a person say a woman will always look into the finer details than the bigger picture.

Haiz.

I'm just tired. Very tired.

14/07/07

We met up with the rest of the group for Tania's Bday after our Movie at PS. Yup yup! Only then did we start camwhoring! LOL!!!!!!!

Mel was being the resident toyol cozzzz... we were trying to exclude him from our pics! WAHAHAH!!! This one no so bad you know.. you guys should see all the other toyol pics. lol!

I have gorgeous friends! LOL! We have great style, We're undeniably gorgeous, we take gorgeous photos and we're a group!! Wahahaha.. We're definitely Gorgeousness.com.

Sorry Senoritas, i have to use the gorgeousness.com for azi, mel and i instead. LOL! Since we have to many nicks for ourselves.

We took group photos after dinner... I can't really remember where is it... China Square? Or is it Far East Square?

The guys took a group photo and pple just look at their pose; their hands and the way they sit! LOL!! its ALL THE SAME! the wonders of army huh?? lol!

Here's the girls.. soo pretty hor we all?!?! And i like Tania's Mickey Tee... I should really got o M Industries one day to indulge myself! *Boogies about*

Here's the whole group.... Really like one class outing rite? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we walked around raffles place after that allowing dinner to digest and we ended up at esplanade... lol! I didn't stay that late.. left at about 1130pm... Too sleepy... lol!! the rest were still together till about 6am!

And the final picture of this entry goes to.........................

Me and mel of course... heee...

Don't we just look good? WAHAHAHAA

I had a really really long Saturday...

YCP. Movie. Harry Potter. Raffles Place. Law. Birthday. Esplanade. Conversations. Train Rides. Walking around. Camera. Pictures. Flashes. Sitting around. Sleeping.

Saturday seemed to fly pass in a blur... wahahhaa.. basically, that's the summary of my Saturday...

Rehearsals went well... I, however, freaked out when i saw the pictures of the stage. Hmmm... will have to revamp it soon... We'll finalise the revamping after 21st July, ok?

Rushed to PS after that to catch Harry Potter. Wheeee... I expected prolonged fight scenes can!!! But ok la... the movie not bad... I think Luna Lovegood is cute! wahahahah.. I like her character and her acting... Oh and she's pretty... lol!

Met the rest at Raffles Place for Tania's bday... We ate a Warung Lele... I was so hungry by then cannot think straight lor... After that i got high on lime juice... LOL! Mel witnessed it! I think he got high on lime juice too!!

We ended up being tourist guides to each other with no sense of directions...

WAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Took lots of pics... and the group ended up at Esplanade of which i was already sleepy by then...

I've not met them in the longest time...
And I met my darling that day after 2 weeks... lol!

My apologies to Azi... I know most of the time, the both of us like in a world of our own... And when we weren't, i was too sleepy... I was like dozing off at esplanade main hall area there when the guys are talking! LOL!

So when are the 3 of us going out again? My Chanel shades with you!!!!!!!

So dear, Saturday was the occassion? heee. And it was the first time i actually told you that face to face wasnt it? *Grins*

Met up with Kin and Don yesterday to watch Asian Boys Vol. 3; Happy Endings.

The script's real good... Damn witty.

Highly disturbing but its good nevertheless.

It was definitely real...

And Lim Kay Siu's voice is... FUYOH! lol!

----------------------------------------------------------

I don't know wat else to write about... I might be meeting Azi later... Will be meeting Hally in the evening... Hopefully get to meet my cousin in the process...

Its been so long since i last met Hally!!

and I miss my mel!!!

My cousin is FINALLY back only to be leaving again in about 2 -3 weeks time!!!

I have yet to get Rohaidah's b-day present!!! Which reminds me... i need to go out with her some time next week before her birthday... Since i'm her image consultant she says...

*faints*

I really should consider making a career out of this. lol!

"I wanna heal

I wanna feel

What I thought was never real..."

I wonder how's azi's surviving in her new job... lol! I hope she's having fun... *prays hard for azi*

This screen has been on since 12.43pm just now.. and it is now 3.41pm.


LOL!!!


Its now 5.12pm and I am still on my 4th line! This is pathetic. Seriously.


I was reading through my archives today and I realised a lot of things happened eversince i started this blog huh? LOL!


Poly was definitely eventful.

"Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
you know that it was through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn"

The girls told me that they were reading my past entries some time last month and they're just amazed at the things we do... Wahahaha.. yes... we do read each others' past entries and other people's past entries... its just funny sometimes seeing the person grow right in front of you.

"We're in our world
Our very own
Sharing a love that only
Few have ever known"

I don't like my star sign. I'm a scorpio. What's sooo good about being scorpios? The only thing nice enough to hear about Scorpios are that they're loyal. The worst? They're a jealous bunch. Lol! I used to be those fiercely jealous kind... But i guess i grew up... Even though you know... There will always be some form of jealousy within me for various things, things that happened before or just other general stuff... Hey, its only human nature to be jealous.

Sometimes, only when you're jealous then you realise how much some thing means to you... correct?

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mindIf you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try

I shouldn't look back some times... i should just look what the future has in store for me... Sometimes, looking back brings unnecessary emotions... But I can't help it sometimes... Comparisons are inevitable and you sometimes wonder about it unconsciously...

If you had my love and I gave you all my trust would you comfort me
Tell me baby
And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue would you lie to me
And call me baby

Deena feels that project NPF might take place some time next year seeing how things might go with me... She seems more optimistic about it than i do.. yes yes, i hope it happens alrite? We've postponed it for 6 years already rite? LOL!!

What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?
What I got to go to make you want me?
What I got to do to be heard?
What do I say when it's all over?
Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

2.5 years of poly life flew past and i didn't realise it... Some things just never change huh? through out those years in poly... I knew something began and did not change... lol!

I'll be your strength
I'll give you hope
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call
I'm standing here all along

To the senoritas, BE STRONG. Don't let whatever conversation that took place yesterday between you and your partners bring you down. Stay strong gurlies... I'll be here for you guys ok?! Don't worry... i can handle both of you one! lol...

Minding my business, I was doing my thing
Got my attention, so I gave him a chance (Wait a minute)
Did I mention he was buying a bar?
Gave him my number, he was trying so hard (Wait a minute)
Bought me some things I didn't want, didn't need
Dropped down his jeans like
I'm supposed to drop to my knees (Wait a minute)
He been blowing up my phone like he know me
Been leaving messages "You know what you owe me" (Wait a minute)

and these are the songs taken from past entries... Something that definitely contributes to this entry without me having to write it all out... If you're clever enough... you'll know! lol!!

Dancin bears,
painted wings,
things i almost remember,
and a song someone sings,
Once upon a december

Memories are forever huh? *Grins*

Something's really wrong with my home ie. I can go to Blogger's website... but i can't seem to log in... Like wat the rite??

So the past few days i was frust with something cannot let out lor! Win already....

Point 1:

Somehow, no matter how hard i try not to be involved. I will be pulled in one way or another.

Point 2:

Things seem to be looking up.

Point 3:

I don't know what's holding me back. Maybe Suk Ching knows. What you think?

Point 4:

I need a hand massage, the blue black on the back of my hand is painful!

Point 5:

I'm famous. Really! Or rather... we're famous. I never knew my life had an audience. Well ok, i know of some... but the rest? Totally unexpected.

Point 6:

This is very random but i can't seem to find my IC.

Point 7:

My table is the messiest it has ever been and i intend to leave it like that when i leave unless of course i dump some stuff on my boss' table. It is 6.51 now. hmmmm....

Point 8:

I'm on my way to being a Paralegal in this firm... not complaining but wth. Time to demand i suppose.

Point 9:

I have yet to book the Adelaide Hotels... Reminder to self: Better book it tomorrow before she asks me about it again.

Point 10:

I need a break. Anyonecan spend it with me? Please tell me... I wanna take a whole day off and the person will have to spend it with me the WHOLE day...

The journey of 7 began on 07/07/07...

Woke up to the beeping of my message tone... Thanks for the message, if not, i wouldn't be awake for fencing since it was soooo dark and raining...

Was sitting on my bed trying to gain my bearings, when i realised what the date was today... it was 070707.

I've always been fascinated with such dates you know... Only that this year, not only was i fascinated, i noticed that there was a coincidence to it. A significance which someone was a little dense to realise in the morning when i sent out a message. lol!

When realisation hits, its kinda surreal. Its quite hard to believe that i'm actually laughing to myself thinking about it..

I'm having a major headache.

Azi thinks i look haggard. THANKS EH!

i'm damn tired!!!

I'm gaining my stamina slowly.... bit by bit... I hope i'm able to do it... *prays hard*

I WANNA WATCH TRANSFORMERS AGAIN!

Ok.. i just wanna watch movie... lol!

I WANNA GO PICNIC!!!!

I need a break la... haiz.

I've been promoted!!

To the coffee girl (-,-)"~~!!!

Our clients from Japan and US's here... So yeah, yesterday, me and my colleague was washing all the necessary stuff (i forgot what's the word for it had it in my head a few minutes ago), tea cups, glasses, top up the mineral water, plates, small plates and all that...

So i came to work today (was late btw even though mel gave me a wake up call this morning - thanks for that dear!) in formal attire WITH my fencing equipments, rushed to my cubicle dump my stuff, switched my comp on and rushed to the pantry where i found Maswati.

She's the other colleague who was washing the stuff with me yesterday...

So i found her in the pantry, filling in the flask with hot water and then attempting to make coffee...

I tell you, her coffee, SO DILUTED!! SO i made her put more and more and more and so our pantry was filled with the aroma of freshly brewed brazillian coffee (Actually, it was just Nescafe). lol!

We then proceed to bring everything upstairs into the Boardroom and put everything there.

Anyone who has worked with me before will realise that i am quite particular with certain things, arrangment of some stuff and things like...

We arranged the cookies on the plate, it was as though Hari Raya came early or wat la...

I was upgraded again as well as hinting for pay raise... LOL!!

From PA to Coffee Girl and now? I'm F&B Manager as well as in charge of Catering Services...

2 promotions in one day! Who can beat that you tell me?

Oh well.. I guess that's expected of the PA isn't it? To make sure the outcome of things is like... up to her expectations... if not confirm will get into trouble rite? LOL!

So yeah... I'm actually quite proud of my Coffee Making Skills!

I shall put that into my resume in case change job and you know, work in Coffee Bean instead. At least i already have experience in that field... *rolls eyes*

------------------------------------------------

Anywayz Mel, Hope everything's gonna be fine! *hugs*

I can't believe this.

The internet connection chose 6.15pm to give me problems!

I AM PISSED!!!

I'm still in the office and its 7.05pm... typing emails which I CANT SEND OUT~!!!!!!

This is so frustrating... and i have a dinner appointment at 7! like fark ah...

First, people give me work only at 6pm...

I guess age is a huge factor. *rolls eyes*

Secondly, THIS?!

I did something yesterday...

Not THAT shocking, but shocking nevertheless for anyone who thinks that its the last thing i'll do... Truthfully, i've been thinking about it for the longest time ever... So what better opportunity than yesterday?

Its about time, yest was a little too soon but hey, it came through my door. Yes, it definitely is the right time. I was alittle worried after it but i needed it before it reaches a crucial stage in various areas of my life. so yeah! =)

Fell asleep yesterday still worrying, woke up today and i knew i did the right thing.

Even though i'm broke much much earlier in the month than May 2007, its ok... there's really nothing i can do about it other than enjoy it... lol! No, I did not get my phone. It will have to wait for another mth or two...

So what exactly did i spend my money on?

That... is my little secret for now.

*angelic grins*

Went on a movie marathon with my girlfriend on Saturday. Don't mind watching it again though!! Totally lurvin' it. lol!!


Went out of the country to go to a fruit farm in Johor on Sunday. Didn't go for Fencing that day. waaa!!!

Pine-apper... Olange... Soursoap... Soogacane... Dulian...

Oh, the wonders of Singlish and talking to aunties and uncles. My mom told me to behave myself... Coz, i started teasing everyone, speaking the way they do... and they're obviously oblivious to it!

*faints*

-------------------------------------------
There's so many things that i feel like saying but i can't seem to put things out right.

I don't know where to start.

My mind's been a mess this past few days... And i keep remembering and repeating so many things.

Things that make me smile endlessly, there's also the ones that just make me stare out in space in fear and there's always the bitter sweet moments.

Money's not everything in this life. Money's not the thing to make my world go round. Its a necessity but is it a form of happiness?

There's still some stuff, like this other person i know, that i'm uncomfortable. I would like to show or say out the things i feel. But why am i hesitating? The fear of being teased later on? Maybe. We each take our time opening up to people, I'm sure this is the same. Well at least i think it is for me.

When the feeling is intense, i wonder where did it come from? I'm both loving it as well as afraid of it. Its scary for me to feel it. Maybe you know the answer? Care to enlighten me?

How did i learn to love you so much?

There's many ways one can reprimand a person. Getting screamed at in the middle of the night is one way. However, its definitely not highly recommended. Why bother answering and explaining yourself when one has made up their mind on the entire situation rite?

The sea was calm and therapeutic today.