Mid week frenzy

Mid week. Half day deadlines. End of month deadlines. End of year deadlines.

The thought of Thursday being 1st January 2009 is surreal.

its like... in the middle of nowhere!

Right smack in the centre!

ok i shall go and go for fish spa and then revel at it later on. see whether it will hit me or not!

Unfairness

I knew that it exists. But this year, this year just brings a whole new meaning to the word unfairness. Sometimes, I wonder. Have I really been that bad to anyone? Hurt anyone so bad that all of this just keeps on coming...

Seems like i'm welcoming it with open arms.

Yesterday was the ultimate unfairness. The peak and most delicious topping and what more? the perfect closure for the year.

Seeing how he was treated and how welcoming she was. I was just, well, shocked? It did manage to raise a few eyebrows.

Jealous? Well no.. Maybe a little. More like disappointed. Yeah maybe.

Its really great to see how starkingly different the treatment was between me and her and what's hers and mine.

I was envious. I did mention to her that it was really unfair but hey, what can I say, mine has long gone and the situation was long over.

She was obviously shocked at what happened back then. I just shrugged and told her, I didn't conform and never once have I regretted that. I may have gotten hurt, badly even but I will never conform. I'll just live my choices, its afterall my life. She treats me differently but hey, I can't please everyone - so i'll just please myself first.

Selfish? yeah... maybe... I suppose.

I have always been the one that mistakes are amplified and never forgotten. But at the end of the day, at least I know what I want. With or without her approval.

Its unhealthy... really.

I should channel all of it to something else. There's really nothing much that can be done about it.

I know that. I should know that better then anyone else. And yet, things betray me over and over again.

How am i suppose to deal with this?

They say that it will come and go... What if it never did go?

One thing I know for sure, its definitely not an obsession...
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I'm aching like a bitch. I sucked at what I did last saturday. I'm serious. That was really ruining my reputation!!!!!!!!!

Totally embarassing! haix.
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This festive period I was abandoned. Like thanks alot. I'm really grateful for it. Very truly.

Thank you very much. Really appreciate it!
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My bags are packed...
I'm ready to go....

Lalalalallalala~!
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some time early this yr, i was having difficulty sleeping... Coz of dreams.

Dreams that were just too real and at some nights, they were real.

Now, i'm having difficulty sleeping again.

Coz I unconsiously know that if i were to close my eyes, the time would just pass without me being able to see what's happening. For me to know that the time for me to leave would just get closer and closer.

Not that without sleeping it will prolong, but its unconsiously known that without sleeping, one would never call the day before yesterday, but simply "just now". Therefore, your mind controls wat you perceive.

Its time for me to pull away from everyone and everything.
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I wonder how i'll be spending new year eve.

Its ending. 2008 is ending. Surreal really. But looking back on whatever that has happened. Its about time it should end.

I dont want anymore pple to get hurt. I dont want to see anyone else sad. I hope that no one else would quarrel.

With the end of 2008, my journey begins.
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My Christmas was supposed to be planned and packed this year.

Something came up and I made a decision.

Becoz of that decision I ended up spending Christmas here in Singapore.... ALONE>

haix.

so much for wanting the perfect holiday...

bleargh~!

such things dont exist i suppose.

I'm still awake and i'm going to wake up in 2hours time. YAYNESS~!

i'm worried. Its been 2 months.

I AM SO NOT FIT FOR LATER~

SHEESH!

I've waited for the day you might change.

I prayed and long for the day that you would actually be proud of me for who I am.

I prayed for the day that you would talk about me the way you talk about the rest.

I prayed for the day that you would trust me coz I am no outsider but your own flesh and blood.

I prayed for the day where you would not doubt my actions and not have such thoughts of me.

I hoped through all those years.

I hope through all those disappointment that one day.. Just one day, you would be proud of me. Even for that one second. I would be satisfied.

I hate the way you're afraid of what others would think.

I hate the way you look at me and I can see the reflection in your eyes.

I hate the way that you blame me for everything without seeing the reason behind things.

I hate it when you accuse me and the reason reflected within your eyes even if you dont say it out loud.

I know I have always lived my life the way I want it to be. Made my own decisions, choose who I wanna be with or hang with and took my own steps.

I knew of the times that you were unhappy of my actions, but i really didn't care... Coz at the end of the day, its my life to live.

But there was always that glimmer of hope that one day, you would see me as who I am and for what I am.

I still tried pleasing you. THAT, was my mistake.

So now,

That hope faded. Yes, that flickering light extinguished. I gave up hoping.

Coz rite now, I really don't care who or what you think of me as long as I'm happy doing the things I do.

Irritants.

When people are too free. They are too free.

But hey, what can I say? Some are just employed to do just that.

Which means, they're not too free. People are just too rich.

Maybe the recession isn't that bad an occurence afterall.

Or maybe the statement is true:- "The rich just keeps on getting richer!"

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I'm sick and tired of certain things. If perfection is expected, please therefore insert your instructions in all completeness and not later on be the bringer of tantrums and sulks.

Its not really enjoyable to read through people's head when I've never done any of your stuff before but is expected to know what to do, because of I have no idea what stories you have heard from I have no idea where.

I'm annoyed. Yes. Very annoyed.

You better not shout
You better not cry

You better not hide
I'm telling you why...

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*and I am oh so capable of screwing lyrics up! LOL!

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Quote of the week from Me to Mel on our way home to the East Side yest.

Conversation:

Me: I think you go get yourself a External HD

Mel: I already have one. Came with the laptop
*silence*
Mel: But my brother took it.

Me: So you don't have it la...

Mel: Hee. Maybe I should get ALOT OF THUMBDRIVES

Me: Ya, then you'll bundle it together like a bunch of keychains rite?

Mel: YA! One bunch for one show..

Me: Ya! Then you can label each thumbdrive and maybe even colour code them!

Mel: Yup!

Me: Ya. I forgot. Bird face comes with Bird brain.

Mel: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH~!!!

Blings & Rings...

This Friday is my Company's Christmas Party. Theme: Christmas Bling. LOL!

Now this is gonna be interesting, coz I might not end up looking like Beyonce for the very first time.. Just when I start to try looking like her for the purpose of the theme... I might just end up being the direct opposite. When I don't, pple say I dress the same way. BAGOS LOR!

This friday's outfit: Bright Pink Heels, Bright Pink Diamante Chandelier Earrings and black tube dress.

Let's just see what I'll turn out to be... LOL!

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Been in search of blings to complete the outfit and end up indulging myself to stare at certain blings that is beyond my reach for now but definitely NOT impossible to get.

I know the topic of marriage is out of my conversation topic. But since I know there are hopefuls out there, let me just clarify...

I dont settle for second best.

So if you STILL dare, i'll just furnish you with the least that I expect out of an Engagement Ring.

I'm just a simple girl with very simple taste. I like clean cut, sleek, sophisticated and air of uniqueness about things... so here goes.

#1 - THE CARTIER CHOICES

Louis Cartier Ring
Platinum, Diamond

Declaration d’Amour Ring

Platinum, Diamonds

OR


#2 - THE BVLGARI CHOICES (THIS BTW, IS MY FAV BRAND [Irregardless of apparel or accessory])

I love the chunkiness of Bvlgari's design and unique and distinct style that sets it really apart from alot of other designers. So of course this will be close to my ultimate choice! LOL!

So 1st up:

Griffe Diamond Ring with 2 lateral diamonds and a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 1,00 ct.


No. 2:

Griffe Platinum Ring with a round brilliant cut diamond from 0,30ct.

No. 3: And my current most fav.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 0,30ct. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari Design for a new and contemporary engagement ring.

#3 - THE TIFFANY CHOICES

Lucida rectangular

Heart Shape -
I've always had a soft spot for heart shape thingys. LOL! Maybe its the romantic hiding inside. LOL!


Round Brilliant with bead set band
I actually find this classic piece rather gorgeous. So this is 2nd on the list below Bvlgari. LOL!


Lucida

This comes close behind on no. 3. LOL!

But if you're already willing to spend such amounts...

Just go on... and take

#4 - THE HARRY WINSTON CHOICE

I've always fallen in love with their diamond cuts. *orgasms*

They have coloured diamonds too!!! NOT PRECIOUS STONES. Diamonds.

Yup yup. Gorgeousness.com

But since i've been nice enough to provide a list of possible engagement rings to be considered by my future beau. I'll just add another list of wedding bands I would most probably expect out of him. LOL!

WEDDING BANDS BY BVLGARI

Marryme platinum wedding band with five round brilliant cut diamonds

THIS IS GORGEOUS DONT YOU THINK?!

But then again me being me, I will be considerate enough to think about my other half. In other words, I'm not sure whether this will actually look nice on a man. Hmmmmm... So I've found the alternative solution.

18kt white gold eternity band with baguette cut diamonds

Now. THIS IS PERFECT. Eternity band. I like the sound of it. Blondeness. I KNOW!

Its unique and its masculine enough for a man and feminine enough for a female. LOL! Well, at least for a female like me!

But of course, if he is daring enough. I wouldn't mind this instead.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with pave diamonds. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari design which becomes a contemporary eternity band.

Now now. A girl is allowed to dream doesn't she?

Besides, you really think its THAT easy to get me to be by your side and annoy you for the rest of your life? HA. Pleeasee!

or maybe this is also plan set to turn you off. *shrugs* You'll never know, will you? *winks and sashays off*

*thinks of rings and orgasms quietly*

Of Blocks and Barricades.

I'm the office rite now and I'm dying! All I wanna do is go home and sleep! sheesh. I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me lor! I should have recovered by now.

Bleargh. Just feel like tendering already, counting down properly is driving me nuts. But I think its approximately a month before i'll tender. so ya.

Just wait one more month lor. Actually, its 3 weeks if you minus of the X'mas and New Year Holidays!

And guess what I found out when I reached office this morning.

MY MSN HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM MY DESKTOP. clever rite? annoying.

Oh well. watevers. If I wanna talk. I'll find other means and ways. Nobody can stop me.. That's for sure!

Of Pine Trees and Memories

I've been sick for the longest time and its been awhile since i've been incapable of doing anything the way i am rite now. Only the worst of memories came flashing into my mind and I hope that there won't be a repeat. A lot of things will be at stake if that happens!

I remembered a time where I was saying that I wanted to destress. Maybe next time when I wanted that, I shouldn't take it too lightly. Tears flow for no apparent reason this morning and breathing was beginning to feel as though it was something alien and new.

Tears fell as I proceeded to bed yest. My sleep began to be more of a chore as this year comes to an end.

I want to say it out loud. But I just don't know.

The right side of the back failed as 3am comes, reached for a medicine that could no longer help. Like a mouse, she ransacked the room for it. Prednosolone. 7mg or 25mg? The cramps began eating upwards, she felt as though everything was in the way. Her hair, her clothes, everything. Took the higher dosage and made her way back to the bed.

Fell asleep. Sleep filled with dreams and familiar faces. Woke up to a phone call. She couldn't decide who it was and decide not to pick it up. Timecheck: 723am. But there was a problem, she couldn't move.

She lay there hoping that she would just turn invisible. She was feeling much better tho. Only her chest was heavy, it was affecting her posture. She sat there. Sat and stared. Her mother asked wat's wrong and she shrugged her shoulders saying that she doesn't know. Her chest was heavy and it felt too tight for rib cage. She doesn't know what's wrong.

Her mother asked, "are you stressed?" Like a missing key, the question engulfed her and tears flowed. Flowed and did not stop.

It was all I could do to stare in the 3rd person.

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X'mas is around the corner. I wonder how christmas will be this year. I don't celebrate christmas for its real meaning, but nevertheless, i love the feeling of it. I missed my christmas of yesteryears.

I remembered when it was tradition to head over to Uncle David's house for Christmas. Where candles light the house, christmas tree was decorated, the turkey was just delicious. the whip potato was to die for and the homemade american brownie just lay there on the table to be consumed.

While the cats eyed the turkey on the table.

I remembered playing soccer with the guys in the back yard with their friends and there was one girl in each team. Me and my cousin. It was fun.

I remembered how me and them will be in new clothes and the girls in pretty dresses. Even though my dress dont stay the same by the end of the night. I blame it on soccer!

I remembered presents were exchanged. Sometimes, Christmas was the day to get rich. HAHAHAH~!

I remembered how the night goes into the wee hours of the morning and I will talk to them and our laughter rang through the night till the 4 of us fall asleep on the bed.

I remembered how I will look forward to Uncle William's and Sabrina's call and look forward to receiving my presents from them.

I loved how I was allowed to join in every other festivity just coz the family does it...

I loved how we still maintain certain things that we have done since young even though alot of things have changed in our lives.

I love how we still go crazy finding the right gift to fulfill the gift exchange tradition.

I remembered when I first started working, and Christmas was around the corner. I remembered the tree, the decorations, the presents, the conversations that went into the night in the midst of files and trials and KFC delivery.

I remembered last year's christmas and it was nearly ideal with whatever I had in my mind.

I wonder what it will be like next yr in Australia?

I'll most probably finally manage to get that pine tree christmas tree in the house!

fine fine.. i know the needles will drop! but i'll make sure it wont! hahahah.. just to prove you wrong! LOL!!!!

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My heart misses more then what my mind allows to admit. greatness.com.

Of footsteps and making marks...

Its interesting seeing how the people I know are now making their mark. Friends... Not acquaintances... friends. People whom i've talked abt the future with...

Not locally.

But regionally. Globally. Internationally.

Nobody's here anymore. They're all based all over the place!

Truthfully, I am the most impatient human being. I am quite jealous. yes I am! I'm thinking to myself.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? Is it the career path i've chosen or is it the break that I took? Career path. Hmmm.. there's just tooooo many challenges along the way. I'd have to detour a few times. But then... The break be it a wise decision or otherwise, has its own purpose.

So,

It might be both.

My friends are telling me to be patient as good things come to those who wait. really? I doubt it.

But victory will be sweet to those who have to fight for it... no? Well, at least I hope its true. lol.

I'm scared. But at the same time, i cant wait. I really can't!

So people, dont slow down. Don't wait for me. Coz, I will catch up. At least soon enough!

We'll meet again. Definitely.

I've been sick. Fever, flu, sore throat. All thanks to the rain last thursday!

Me is giddy and feel like throwing up half the time. Thank god me is not on the road trip with them or me will just be party pooper of the century! bleargh~!

Its hari raya haji today so.. Salam Aidil Adha to all Muslims out there!

The rain has been causing all kinda disasters everywhere and Malaysia, festive seasons and rain dont go well together!

Sheesh~! having friends on the road drive me up the worry wall! lol!! oh well. I'm sure they will come back in one piece. THEY BETTER!

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I have no idea when my cousin is coming back. She has been summon back here by my aunt. Things have been happening. TOO MANY THINGS! *pulls hair*

Why do pple always take us for granted? Why do pple ask for something that we will not give? Why are you still so nice to them? I don't understand. Even after everything that they have put us through.

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It was not an escape. Or so she thought. When she started dodging things she realised maybe she was unconsciously doing it. Filled with questions and uncertainties she has forced herself away from that room. She has tried to keep it shut only to have it reopened over and over again.

She is scared. She is really really scared. She wants the tears to run dry.

Will you stay by my side and hug me till my tears subside?

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Things she say and do. She apologize for it. She has a weird logic. Seriously. She thinks that by making one hate her will make it all easier. Will make it all better. But seriously, it is a task much harder to be accomplished. She cant fulfil it... she knows that. That's not what she wants...

But thats what have to happen rite? He have to end up hating her one day. isnt it? Isn't that what the books state?

She doesnt know how. Teach her? Will you?

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I am heading off to bed. I seriously feel like shit.. me hates flu!!!

Of Annoyance and Loneliness

Me is not going Melaka with them this weekend. Me is sad actually. Me was thinking of bringing me's new DSLR for a trip there and explore it to its full capabilities...

Me knows they're all gonna have so much fun! Me sadded!!!!!

But its ok, me respect the decision and me shall remain here in Singapore.

Me is nevertheless guilty to all parties. Me apologize once again!

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Me has a new friend. Her name is Jolene. She's known as SealPanda to me!!! MUAHAHAHAH~!!! That is one endangered species! LOL!!!!

Me like her alot alot!!

(I just sound like a 5yr old who just found something new and shiny. Gosh Nad. How bimbotic can you get?! must be the flu getting to my head!)

Me hopes that the SealPanda wont get extinct anytime soon! =)

Take care and have fun tmr!

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Have been getting really annoyed with the OTHER travel agent that I'm having with regard to my first round of trip there...

Conversation with Agent -

Agent: I'm sorry Miss Zainal but the revised flight schedule emailed to you is the only option left. All flights out of perth is cancelled and the 945am flight is the first flight operating out of perth.

Me: In that itinerary i'll be reaching perth at 1.10am. What do you expect me to do for 8hours at Perth airport? (thinks to self: I have enough time to plan a terrorist attack sia! babified!)

Agent: But that's the only option we have.

Me: Miss, I hope that you understand that if there is nothing of utmost urgency that requires my attention in Adelaide, I wouldn't be making such a big fuss over rescheduling of flight details.

Agent: Oh I'm sorry Miss Zainal... Do you have a meeting in Adelaide?

Me: Yes. I have to be in Adelaide before 12noon. You don't expect me to reschedule my busy schedule to accomodate something that you guys cancel do you?

Agent: Oh.. I'm really sorry Miss Zainal. *gets really flustered and looks through flights*

Agent: *talks without thinking* There is a flight from Singapore to Sydney arriving in Sydney at 2am and the flight out of Sydney into Adelaide is at 115am on the same day.

Me: *feigns irritation* And how do you expect me to get on that flight? Walk backwards and pray to god that the time goes back to 115am? (<- see what i mean by dangerous sarcasm?)

Agent: Oh i'm sorry. That's a misconnection.

Me: I'm sure. You know wat. Just get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide irregardless of which state i'm connected too. If you can't. Please look into other airlines.

Agent: I'll check again and call you back in half an hour.

Me: Please do. *hangs up*

I was actually pretty amused by the entire conversation that I couldn't stop laughing about the misconnection of flight.

Agent calls back 30 minutes later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight out of Singapore at 9am on 24th January into sydney, sydney to Darwin and Darwin to Adelaide. And you will reach Adelaide at 8am on 25th January.

Me: Isn't that like 23hours? You expect me to get on a 23hour flight to Australia? Look. If I wanted to experience such a long hour flight, I wouldn't choose Australia to be my destination. Why would I want to take a 23hour flight to australia when 23hours can get me to US? (I nearly added this: You want my expensively insured butt to suffer from cramps issit?)

Agent: *nervous laughs*

Me: Ok. Listen. Get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide on 25th January 2009 before 12nooon and doesnt require me to travel for 23hours.

Agent: Yes Miss Zainal. I'll call you again.

1 hour later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight from Singapore departing at 9.05pm on 24th January 2009 arriving in Brisbane at 6.50am. And the flight from Brisbane will be departing at 8.25am and arriving in Adelaide at 11.35am.

Me: Have you checked with the airlines whether the can accomodate 2 passengers?

Agent: Yes, Miss.

Me: Fine, then confirm this flight then. Thank you.

Agent: Ok Miss Zainal, I'll email the details to you shortly.

Me: Thank you.. *hangs up*

SEE WHAT I MEAN BY ANNOYING?! My batt turned flat rite after that. Bloody hell.

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I'm trying a little too hard. Yup. A little too hard. BLEARGH~! Its eating me up slowly from within.

Of Ramblings & Nonsensical Chatters...

I feel like rambling about everything but then again, I don't think anyone would bother. But when you think about it... I HAVE NO ONE TO PLEASE ITS MY BLOG AFTERALL!!

Hahahah.. suckers. LOL~!!

For the first time in many many years since I got my puberty (i'm not gonna state when.. Ha.), this is the first time or rather first year that in recent months that when I am expecting myself to bleed to death that I actually have the worst case of PMS.

I dont have bad moods. But just sarcasm worthy to shred diamonds.

And it will last for a week or so. I see the change and I see myself being like that, but there's nothing I can do to stop myself.

Its like I'm fired up by a silent anger residing within me and no amount of water could extinguish it. And me being me, I do feel bad saying the things I say (sometimes), but I can stop my mouth from moving.

I try to stop myself. Biting my tongue half the time (i literally do it, at times) but hahhahahaha.. I fail sometimes. Oh wait, let me correct that. Most of the time. Yerp!

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My flight is driving me crazy.. Now I can like travel the whole damn country just to get to one damn state la.. fuckers.

Annoyed and irritated.

Booked my one-way ticket. Come Feb 09 (me not going to state which date, me is going to fly there and not come back already.) me is gonna disappear. The term "one-way" has driven me into deep emotional unstability.

Conversation with agent:

Agent: So miss, one way ticket for how many persons?

Me: One.

Agent: Ok then, i'll be confirming your ticket and will be emailing your details shortly. I repeat your reservation. One way ticket to (insert state) on (insert date) for one. Is that correct?

Me: Yes... thank you.

Agent: Please confirm and make your payments by 31st December 2008. Thanks Ms. Zainal.

Yes, my insides are churning as I type that damn phrase just now.

ONE-WAY.

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Busy at work. VERY BUSY AT WORK. HAIX. Shah has decided that my head looks like a mushroom now. And i'll be taking out my extensions tonight.

Yes yes, for those of you who really thought that I dyed my hair, lo and behold! my red streaks are extensions. There goes the streaks of red. My expensive streaks of red. Saded. I actually like the damn thing.. but i should have rebonded my hair initially then it will look neater.

Shah thinks that i've grown mad. Coz my hair is in a mess and i'm humming to myself while doing payment vouchers. She's convinced. I'm either mad. Or in love.

Go Figure~!

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So now, i have decided to leave my office and revel in my new fear of new hairstylists who might get eaten up by me if they by any chance spoil my oh-so precious hair.

Yes. My PRECIOUS hair. the one thing that wont grow fat on me!

That btw is not a blonde moment. Just a matter of fact. LOL!

Goodbye dear readers! Me is off.

Some say I'm a passionate being.

Oh trust me! I am far from passionate.. Well, at least that's the impression that I have of myself. Fine, I don't hold myself in high stead.

BUT ANYWAYZ,

Its Art & Craft week and its been such a long time since. I know now why I love Art. It makes people smile. Its really funny how I manage to make one agree to do certain things with me. This is something I will never forget.

WHEN IS MY COUSIN COMING BACK?! MY COUSIN IS ANNOYING ME LA! EH WOMAN! YOU THINK ME MSGING TO THAILAND CHEAP ISSIT?! I DONT HAVE A RICH ASS ARCHITECT FOR A DAD HOR! I PAY MY OWN PHONE BILLS!!!

I realised sometime back that when she turns 23, I wouldn't be here. I feel bad just thinking about it. I need to do something that will go on in my absence. Yup Yup! *thinks of a master plan*

Which reminds me, I need to steal something from her. khekhekhekeh...


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I"m tired and I need comfort.

Would you comfort me? Please?

Tired. Mix. Disappointment. Betrayal. Enough. Imperfection.

And yet, I'm still yearning.

The gates are closed. Its under construction. The wall keeps on crumbling, the soil is too soft. It will take forever, I'm sure of it.



P.s: I should learn to speak like Yoda, its rather amusing.