Mid week frenzy

Mid week. Half day deadlines. End of month deadlines. End of year deadlines.

The thought of Thursday being 1st January 2009 is surreal.

its like... in the middle of nowhere!

Right smack in the centre!

ok i shall go and go for fish spa and then revel at it later on. see whether it will hit me or not!

Unfairness

I knew that it exists. But this year, this year just brings a whole new meaning to the word unfairness. Sometimes, I wonder. Have I really been that bad to anyone? Hurt anyone so bad that all of this just keeps on coming...

Seems like i'm welcoming it with open arms.

Yesterday was the ultimate unfairness. The peak and most delicious topping and what more? the perfect closure for the year.

Seeing how he was treated and how welcoming she was. I was just, well, shocked? It did manage to raise a few eyebrows.

Jealous? Well no.. Maybe a little. More like disappointed. Yeah maybe.

Its really great to see how starkingly different the treatment was between me and her and what's hers and mine.

I was envious. I did mention to her that it was really unfair but hey, what can I say, mine has long gone and the situation was long over.

She was obviously shocked at what happened back then. I just shrugged and told her, I didn't conform and never once have I regretted that. I may have gotten hurt, badly even but I will never conform. I'll just live my choices, its afterall my life. She treats me differently but hey, I can't please everyone - so i'll just please myself first.

Selfish? yeah... maybe... I suppose.

I have always been the one that mistakes are amplified and never forgotten. But at the end of the day, at least I know what I want. With or without her approval.

Its unhealthy... really.

I should channel all of it to something else. There's really nothing much that can be done about it.

I know that. I should know that better then anyone else. And yet, things betray me over and over again.

How am i suppose to deal with this?

They say that it will come and go... What if it never did go?

One thing I know for sure, its definitely not an obsession...
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I'm aching like a bitch. I sucked at what I did last saturday. I'm serious. That was really ruining my reputation!!!!!!!!!

Totally embarassing! haix.
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This festive period I was abandoned. Like thanks alot. I'm really grateful for it. Very truly.

Thank you very much. Really appreciate it!
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My bags are packed...
I'm ready to go....

Lalalalallalala~!
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some time early this yr, i was having difficulty sleeping... Coz of dreams.

Dreams that were just too real and at some nights, they were real.

Now, i'm having difficulty sleeping again.

Coz I unconsiously know that if i were to close my eyes, the time would just pass without me being able to see what's happening. For me to know that the time for me to leave would just get closer and closer.

Not that without sleeping it will prolong, but its unconsiously known that without sleeping, one would never call the day before yesterday, but simply "just now". Therefore, your mind controls wat you perceive.

Its time for me to pull away from everyone and everything.
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I wonder how i'll be spending new year eve.

Its ending. 2008 is ending. Surreal really. But looking back on whatever that has happened. Its about time it should end.

I dont want anymore pple to get hurt. I dont want to see anyone else sad. I hope that no one else would quarrel.

With the end of 2008, my journey begins.
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My Christmas was supposed to be planned and packed this year.

Something came up and I made a decision.

Becoz of that decision I ended up spending Christmas here in Singapore.... ALONE>

haix.

so much for wanting the perfect holiday...

bleargh~!

such things dont exist i suppose.

I'm still awake and i'm going to wake up in 2hours time. YAYNESS~!

i'm worried. Its been 2 months.

I AM SO NOT FIT FOR LATER~

SHEESH!

I've waited for the day you might change.

I prayed and long for the day that you would actually be proud of me for who I am.

I prayed for the day that you would talk about me the way you talk about the rest.

I prayed for the day that you would trust me coz I am no outsider but your own flesh and blood.

I prayed for the day where you would not doubt my actions and not have such thoughts of me.

I hoped through all those years.

I hope through all those disappointment that one day.. Just one day, you would be proud of me. Even for that one second. I would be satisfied.

I hate the way you're afraid of what others would think.

I hate the way you look at me and I can see the reflection in your eyes.

I hate the way that you blame me for everything without seeing the reason behind things.

I hate it when you accuse me and the reason reflected within your eyes even if you dont say it out loud.

I know I have always lived my life the way I want it to be. Made my own decisions, choose who I wanna be with or hang with and took my own steps.

I knew of the times that you were unhappy of my actions, but i really didn't care... Coz at the end of the day, its my life to live.

But there was always that glimmer of hope that one day, you would see me as who I am and for what I am.

I still tried pleasing you. THAT, was my mistake.

So now,

That hope faded. Yes, that flickering light extinguished. I gave up hoping.

Coz rite now, I really don't care who or what you think of me as long as I'm happy doing the things I do.

Irritants.

When people are too free. They are too free.

But hey, what can I say? Some are just employed to do just that.

Which means, they're not too free. People are just too rich.

Maybe the recession isn't that bad an occurence afterall.

Or maybe the statement is true:- "The rich just keeps on getting richer!"

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I'm sick and tired of certain things. If perfection is expected, please therefore insert your instructions in all completeness and not later on be the bringer of tantrums and sulks.

Its not really enjoyable to read through people's head when I've never done any of your stuff before but is expected to know what to do, because of I have no idea what stories you have heard from I have no idea where.

I'm annoyed. Yes. Very annoyed.

You better not shout
You better not cry

You better not hide
I'm telling you why...

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*and I am oh so capable of screwing lyrics up! LOL!

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Quote of the week from Me to Mel on our way home to the East Side yest.

Conversation:

Me: I think you go get yourself a External HD

Mel: I already have one. Came with the laptop
*silence*
Mel: But my brother took it.

Me: So you don't have it la...

Mel: Hee. Maybe I should get ALOT OF THUMBDRIVES

Me: Ya, then you'll bundle it together like a bunch of keychains rite?

Mel: YA! One bunch for one show..

Me: Ya! Then you can label each thumbdrive and maybe even colour code them!

Mel: Yup!

Me: Ya. I forgot. Bird face comes with Bird brain.

Mel: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH~!!!

Blings & Rings...

This Friday is my Company's Christmas Party. Theme: Christmas Bling. LOL!

Now this is gonna be interesting, coz I might not end up looking like Beyonce for the very first time.. Just when I start to try looking like her for the purpose of the theme... I might just end up being the direct opposite. When I don't, pple say I dress the same way. BAGOS LOR!

This friday's outfit: Bright Pink Heels, Bright Pink Diamante Chandelier Earrings and black tube dress.

Let's just see what I'll turn out to be... LOL!

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Been in search of blings to complete the outfit and end up indulging myself to stare at certain blings that is beyond my reach for now but definitely NOT impossible to get.

I know the topic of marriage is out of my conversation topic. But since I know there are hopefuls out there, let me just clarify...

I dont settle for second best.

So if you STILL dare, i'll just furnish you with the least that I expect out of an Engagement Ring.

I'm just a simple girl with very simple taste. I like clean cut, sleek, sophisticated and air of uniqueness about things... so here goes.

#1 - THE CARTIER CHOICES

Louis Cartier Ring
Platinum, Diamond

Declaration d’Amour Ring

Platinum, Diamonds

OR


#2 - THE BVLGARI CHOICES (THIS BTW, IS MY FAV BRAND [Irregardless of apparel or accessory])

I love the chunkiness of Bvlgari's design and unique and distinct style that sets it really apart from alot of other designers. So of course this will be close to my ultimate choice! LOL!

So 1st up:

Griffe Diamond Ring with 2 lateral diamonds and a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 1,00 ct.


No. 2:

Griffe Platinum Ring with a round brilliant cut diamond from 0,30ct.

No. 3: And my current most fav.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 0,30ct. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari Design for a new and contemporary engagement ring.

#3 - THE TIFFANY CHOICES

Lucida rectangular

Heart Shape -
I've always had a soft spot for heart shape thingys. LOL! Maybe its the romantic hiding inside. LOL!


Round Brilliant with bead set band
I actually find this classic piece rather gorgeous. So this is 2nd on the list below Bvlgari. LOL!


Lucida

This comes close behind on no. 3. LOL!

But if you're already willing to spend such amounts...

Just go on... and take

#4 - THE HARRY WINSTON CHOICE

I've always fallen in love with their diamond cuts. *orgasms*

They have coloured diamonds too!!! NOT PRECIOUS STONES. Diamonds.

Yup yup. Gorgeousness.com

But since i've been nice enough to provide a list of possible engagement rings to be considered by my future beau. I'll just add another list of wedding bands I would most probably expect out of him. LOL!

WEDDING BANDS BY BVLGARI

Marryme platinum wedding band with five round brilliant cut diamonds

THIS IS GORGEOUS DONT YOU THINK?!

But then again me being me, I will be considerate enough to think about my other half. In other words, I'm not sure whether this will actually look nice on a man. Hmmmmm... So I've found the alternative solution.

18kt white gold eternity band with baguette cut diamonds

Now. THIS IS PERFECT. Eternity band. I like the sound of it. Blondeness. I KNOW!

Its unique and its masculine enough for a man and feminine enough for a female. LOL! Well, at least for a female like me!

But of course, if he is daring enough. I wouldn't mind this instead.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with pave diamonds. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari design which becomes a contemporary eternity band.

Now now. A girl is allowed to dream doesn't she?

Besides, you really think its THAT easy to get me to be by your side and annoy you for the rest of your life? HA. Pleeasee!

or maybe this is also plan set to turn you off. *shrugs* You'll never know, will you? *winks and sashays off*

*thinks of rings and orgasms quietly*

Of Blocks and Barricades.

I'm the office rite now and I'm dying! All I wanna do is go home and sleep! sheesh. I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me lor! I should have recovered by now.

Bleargh. Just feel like tendering already, counting down properly is driving me nuts. But I think its approximately a month before i'll tender. so ya.

Just wait one more month lor. Actually, its 3 weeks if you minus of the X'mas and New Year Holidays!

And guess what I found out when I reached office this morning.

MY MSN HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM MY DESKTOP. clever rite? annoying.

Oh well. watevers. If I wanna talk. I'll find other means and ways. Nobody can stop me.. That's for sure!

Of Pine Trees and Memories

I've been sick for the longest time and its been awhile since i've been incapable of doing anything the way i am rite now. Only the worst of memories came flashing into my mind and I hope that there won't be a repeat. A lot of things will be at stake if that happens!

I remembered a time where I was saying that I wanted to destress. Maybe next time when I wanted that, I shouldn't take it too lightly. Tears flow for no apparent reason this morning and breathing was beginning to feel as though it was something alien and new.

Tears fell as I proceeded to bed yest. My sleep began to be more of a chore as this year comes to an end.

I want to say it out loud. But I just don't know.

The right side of the back failed as 3am comes, reached for a medicine that could no longer help. Like a mouse, she ransacked the room for it. Prednosolone. 7mg or 25mg? The cramps began eating upwards, she felt as though everything was in the way. Her hair, her clothes, everything. Took the higher dosage and made her way back to the bed.

Fell asleep. Sleep filled with dreams and familiar faces. Woke up to a phone call. She couldn't decide who it was and decide not to pick it up. Timecheck: 723am. But there was a problem, she couldn't move.

She lay there hoping that she would just turn invisible. She was feeling much better tho. Only her chest was heavy, it was affecting her posture. She sat there. Sat and stared. Her mother asked wat's wrong and she shrugged her shoulders saying that she doesn't know. Her chest was heavy and it felt too tight for rib cage. She doesn't know what's wrong.

Her mother asked, "are you stressed?" Like a missing key, the question engulfed her and tears flowed. Flowed and did not stop.

It was all I could do to stare in the 3rd person.

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X'mas is around the corner. I wonder how christmas will be this year. I don't celebrate christmas for its real meaning, but nevertheless, i love the feeling of it. I missed my christmas of yesteryears.

I remembered when it was tradition to head over to Uncle David's house for Christmas. Where candles light the house, christmas tree was decorated, the turkey was just delicious. the whip potato was to die for and the homemade american brownie just lay there on the table to be consumed.

While the cats eyed the turkey on the table.

I remembered playing soccer with the guys in the back yard with their friends and there was one girl in each team. Me and my cousin. It was fun.

I remembered how me and them will be in new clothes and the girls in pretty dresses. Even though my dress dont stay the same by the end of the night. I blame it on soccer!

I remembered presents were exchanged. Sometimes, Christmas was the day to get rich. HAHAHAH~!

I remembered how the night goes into the wee hours of the morning and I will talk to them and our laughter rang through the night till the 4 of us fall asleep on the bed.

I remembered how I will look forward to Uncle William's and Sabrina's call and look forward to receiving my presents from them.

I loved how I was allowed to join in every other festivity just coz the family does it...

I loved how we still maintain certain things that we have done since young even though alot of things have changed in our lives.

I love how we still go crazy finding the right gift to fulfill the gift exchange tradition.

I remembered when I first started working, and Christmas was around the corner. I remembered the tree, the decorations, the presents, the conversations that went into the night in the midst of files and trials and KFC delivery.

I remembered last year's christmas and it was nearly ideal with whatever I had in my mind.

I wonder what it will be like next yr in Australia?

I'll most probably finally manage to get that pine tree christmas tree in the house!

fine fine.. i know the needles will drop! but i'll make sure it wont! hahahah.. just to prove you wrong! LOL!!!!

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My heart misses more then what my mind allows to admit. greatness.com.

Of footsteps and making marks...

Its interesting seeing how the people I know are now making their mark. Friends... Not acquaintances... friends. People whom i've talked abt the future with...

Not locally.

But regionally. Globally. Internationally.

Nobody's here anymore. They're all based all over the place!

Truthfully, I am the most impatient human being. I am quite jealous. yes I am! I'm thinking to myself.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? Is it the career path i've chosen or is it the break that I took? Career path. Hmmm.. there's just tooooo many challenges along the way. I'd have to detour a few times. But then... The break be it a wise decision or otherwise, has its own purpose.

So,

It might be both.

My friends are telling me to be patient as good things come to those who wait. really? I doubt it.

But victory will be sweet to those who have to fight for it... no? Well, at least I hope its true. lol.

I'm scared. But at the same time, i cant wait. I really can't!

So people, dont slow down. Don't wait for me. Coz, I will catch up. At least soon enough!

We'll meet again. Definitely.

I've been sick. Fever, flu, sore throat. All thanks to the rain last thursday!

Me is giddy and feel like throwing up half the time. Thank god me is not on the road trip with them or me will just be party pooper of the century! bleargh~!

Its hari raya haji today so.. Salam Aidil Adha to all Muslims out there!

The rain has been causing all kinda disasters everywhere and Malaysia, festive seasons and rain dont go well together!

Sheesh~! having friends on the road drive me up the worry wall! lol!! oh well. I'm sure they will come back in one piece. THEY BETTER!

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I have no idea when my cousin is coming back. She has been summon back here by my aunt. Things have been happening. TOO MANY THINGS! *pulls hair*

Why do pple always take us for granted? Why do pple ask for something that we will not give? Why are you still so nice to them? I don't understand. Even after everything that they have put us through.

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It was not an escape. Or so she thought. When she started dodging things she realised maybe she was unconsciously doing it. Filled with questions and uncertainties she has forced herself away from that room. She has tried to keep it shut only to have it reopened over and over again.

She is scared. She is really really scared. She wants the tears to run dry.

Will you stay by my side and hug me till my tears subside?

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Things she say and do. She apologize for it. She has a weird logic. Seriously. She thinks that by making one hate her will make it all easier. Will make it all better. But seriously, it is a task much harder to be accomplished. She cant fulfil it... she knows that. That's not what she wants...

But thats what have to happen rite? He have to end up hating her one day. isnt it? Isn't that what the books state?

She doesnt know how. Teach her? Will you?

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I am heading off to bed. I seriously feel like shit.. me hates flu!!!

Of Annoyance and Loneliness

Me is not going Melaka with them this weekend. Me is sad actually. Me was thinking of bringing me's new DSLR for a trip there and explore it to its full capabilities...

Me knows they're all gonna have so much fun! Me sadded!!!!!

But its ok, me respect the decision and me shall remain here in Singapore.

Me is nevertheless guilty to all parties. Me apologize once again!

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Me has a new friend. Her name is Jolene. She's known as SealPanda to me!!! MUAHAHAHAH~!!! That is one endangered species! LOL!!!!

Me like her alot alot!!

(I just sound like a 5yr old who just found something new and shiny. Gosh Nad. How bimbotic can you get?! must be the flu getting to my head!)

Me hopes that the SealPanda wont get extinct anytime soon! =)

Take care and have fun tmr!

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Have been getting really annoyed with the OTHER travel agent that I'm having with regard to my first round of trip there...

Conversation with Agent -

Agent: I'm sorry Miss Zainal but the revised flight schedule emailed to you is the only option left. All flights out of perth is cancelled and the 945am flight is the first flight operating out of perth.

Me: In that itinerary i'll be reaching perth at 1.10am. What do you expect me to do for 8hours at Perth airport? (thinks to self: I have enough time to plan a terrorist attack sia! babified!)

Agent: But that's the only option we have.

Me: Miss, I hope that you understand that if there is nothing of utmost urgency that requires my attention in Adelaide, I wouldn't be making such a big fuss over rescheduling of flight details.

Agent: Oh I'm sorry Miss Zainal... Do you have a meeting in Adelaide?

Me: Yes. I have to be in Adelaide before 12noon. You don't expect me to reschedule my busy schedule to accomodate something that you guys cancel do you?

Agent: Oh.. I'm really sorry Miss Zainal. *gets really flustered and looks through flights*

Agent: *talks without thinking* There is a flight from Singapore to Sydney arriving in Sydney at 2am and the flight out of Sydney into Adelaide is at 115am on the same day.

Me: *feigns irritation* And how do you expect me to get on that flight? Walk backwards and pray to god that the time goes back to 115am? (<- see what i mean by dangerous sarcasm?)

Agent: Oh i'm sorry. That's a misconnection.

Me: I'm sure. You know wat. Just get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide irregardless of which state i'm connected too. If you can't. Please look into other airlines.

Agent: I'll check again and call you back in half an hour.

Me: Please do. *hangs up*

I was actually pretty amused by the entire conversation that I couldn't stop laughing about the misconnection of flight.

Agent calls back 30 minutes later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight out of Singapore at 9am on 24th January into sydney, sydney to Darwin and Darwin to Adelaide. And you will reach Adelaide at 8am on 25th January.

Me: Isn't that like 23hours? You expect me to get on a 23hour flight to Australia? Look. If I wanted to experience such a long hour flight, I wouldn't choose Australia to be my destination. Why would I want to take a 23hour flight to australia when 23hours can get me to US? (I nearly added this: You want my expensively insured butt to suffer from cramps issit?)

Agent: *nervous laughs*

Me: Ok. Listen. Get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide on 25th January 2009 before 12nooon and doesnt require me to travel for 23hours.

Agent: Yes Miss Zainal. I'll call you again.

1 hour later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight from Singapore departing at 9.05pm on 24th January 2009 arriving in Brisbane at 6.50am. And the flight from Brisbane will be departing at 8.25am and arriving in Adelaide at 11.35am.

Me: Have you checked with the airlines whether the can accomodate 2 passengers?

Agent: Yes, Miss.

Me: Fine, then confirm this flight then. Thank you.

Agent: Ok Miss Zainal, I'll email the details to you shortly.

Me: Thank you.. *hangs up*

SEE WHAT I MEAN BY ANNOYING?! My batt turned flat rite after that. Bloody hell.

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I'm trying a little too hard. Yup. A little too hard. BLEARGH~! Its eating me up slowly from within.

Of Ramblings & Nonsensical Chatters...

I feel like rambling about everything but then again, I don't think anyone would bother. But when you think about it... I HAVE NO ONE TO PLEASE ITS MY BLOG AFTERALL!!

Hahahah.. suckers. LOL~!!

For the first time in many many years since I got my puberty (i'm not gonna state when.. Ha.), this is the first time or rather first year that in recent months that when I am expecting myself to bleed to death that I actually have the worst case of PMS.

I dont have bad moods. But just sarcasm worthy to shred diamonds.

And it will last for a week or so. I see the change and I see myself being like that, but there's nothing I can do to stop myself.

Its like I'm fired up by a silent anger residing within me and no amount of water could extinguish it. And me being me, I do feel bad saying the things I say (sometimes), but I can stop my mouth from moving.

I try to stop myself. Biting my tongue half the time (i literally do it, at times) but hahhahahaha.. I fail sometimes. Oh wait, let me correct that. Most of the time. Yerp!

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My flight is driving me crazy.. Now I can like travel the whole damn country just to get to one damn state la.. fuckers.

Annoyed and irritated.

Booked my one-way ticket. Come Feb 09 (me not going to state which date, me is going to fly there and not come back already.) me is gonna disappear. The term "one-way" has driven me into deep emotional unstability.

Conversation with agent:

Agent: So miss, one way ticket for how many persons?

Me: One.

Agent: Ok then, i'll be confirming your ticket and will be emailing your details shortly. I repeat your reservation. One way ticket to (insert state) on (insert date) for one. Is that correct?

Me: Yes... thank you.

Agent: Please confirm and make your payments by 31st December 2008. Thanks Ms. Zainal.

Yes, my insides are churning as I type that damn phrase just now.

ONE-WAY.

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Busy at work. VERY BUSY AT WORK. HAIX. Shah has decided that my head looks like a mushroom now. And i'll be taking out my extensions tonight.

Yes yes, for those of you who really thought that I dyed my hair, lo and behold! my red streaks are extensions. There goes the streaks of red. My expensive streaks of red. Saded. I actually like the damn thing.. but i should have rebonded my hair initially then it will look neater.

Shah thinks that i've grown mad. Coz my hair is in a mess and i'm humming to myself while doing payment vouchers. She's convinced. I'm either mad. Or in love.

Go Figure~!

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So now, i have decided to leave my office and revel in my new fear of new hairstylists who might get eaten up by me if they by any chance spoil my oh-so precious hair.

Yes. My PRECIOUS hair. the one thing that wont grow fat on me!

That btw is not a blonde moment. Just a matter of fact. LOL!

Goodbye dear readers! Me is off.

Some say I'm a passionate being.

Oh trust me! I am far from passionate.. Well, at least that's the impression that I have of myself. Fine, I don't hold myself in high stead.

BUT ANYWAYZ,

Its Art & Craft week and its been such a long time since. I know now why I love Art. It makes people smile. Its really funny how I manage to make one agree to do certain things with me. This is something I will never forget.

WHEN IS MY COUSIN COMING BACK?! MY COUSIN IS ANNOYING ME LA! EH WOMAN! YOU THINK ME MSGING TO THAILAND CHEAP ISSIT?! I DONT HAVE A RICH ASS ARCHITECT FOR A DAD HOR! I PAY MY OWN PHONE BILLS!!!

I realised sometime back that when she turns 23, I wouldn't be here. I feel bad just thinking about it. I need to do something that will go on in my absence. Yup Yup! *thinks of a master plan*

Which reminds me, I need to steal something from her. khekhekhekeh...


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I"m tired and I need comfort.

Would you comfort me? Please?

Tired. Mix. Disappointment. Betrayal. Enough. Imperfection.

And yet, I'm still yearning.

The gates are closed. Its under construction. The wall keeps on crumbling, the soil is too soft. It will take forever, I'm sure of it.



P.s: I should learn to speak like Yoda, its rather amusing.

I was so looking forward to it.

So looking forward.

Now? I just don't know anymore.

Caution: HIGH VOLTAGE

some people can't lie. coz they cant keep track of what they say to you and tell others in front of you. yup yup.

I usually find out things. whether I like it or not.

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i'm just tired. omg. sometimes, things are just so weird. I just don't know anymore. yes, I dont. Its giving me a headache actually.

oh god. help me.

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i'm just so tired, i dont wanna wake up anymore. yes, no more.

Conversations with a talking seal...

Since an animal has not been bestowed upon me, I shall just refer to myself as... what else? Me.

Me: but i'm hungry!!!!!

Seal:hahaha i trying to be

Me: you trying to be hungry?
got such thing ah!?
wahhhh

Seal: haha
not hungry
weird

Me: this one only seal have such talents ah?

Seal: but i need to stop eating so much
esp since we gg melaka to eat
HAHAHAH

Please note that this possible trip to Melaka will only be taking place on 6th December 2008. Its in 2 weeks time. In the meantime we'll have a starving seal. So the Conversation continues...

Me: .......
you know
that is blogworthy
lol!!!

Seal:
WHAT!
WHAT IS???

Me:
your head is shining pls!! *coughs* platinum blonde *coughs*

Seal:
HAHAHAHAHAH
shhh!!

That's the best part! *points to last phrase/word/sound* She knows and admits it and still tries to keep it quiet!!

Beautiful.

Today was beautiful. And Dhanya, I thank you for inviting me to be a part of such a wonderful event in your life. Congrats babe, on the start of this new journey and chapter of your life.

The venue was beautiful, the weather was just right, the bride's gorgeous.

Yup Yup. Another friend of mine is married! heee...

Congrats once again!!

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This is the second wedding i've attended this year. Yup yup. Its nice but at the same time scary. This is when reality hits me most of the time. I'm growing old. I'm off a marriageable age. And that scares me enough to keep me quiet for the whole day. Well those are the thoughts of one that's not ready.

Who's next? Hmm i know another friend of mine is getting married in mid December, but i'm not invited to that one.. hahaha.. so yup yup...

Who's next? *look around*

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Right now I can't hardly breathe
Oh, you can do it, just know that I believe
And that's all I really need
Then come on, make me strong
It's time to turn it up, game on!

Now or Never - HSM3

To you who thinks that you can never do it, just know that I believe. That I always have.

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The year is ending and I am feeling my jitters all over again. yup yup.

Its actually coming true. Its no longer the dreams I used to come across when the eyes are closed and the night is still and the only thing that kept me exhausted was the mind, painting pictures, directing scenes, in my head while i'm the audience in my own play.

My dreams are coming true.

I believe it then. What you have always say. I believe it now why you called me a dreamer and you never once worry about me, dreaming my day away. Coz you have always knew that I have

always dreamt with my eyes wide open.

Its time then.

I will make my dreams, my reality.

In 9 weeks time, i'll make my first disappearance.

In 12 weeks time, i'll start my new life.

12 weeks. 84 days. 2016 hours. 120960 minutes.

I'm counting down to the day I leave the way Paro counted down the days for Devdas' return.

...... with great anticipation.

When funny is a contradiction.

Its funny how my friends are friends with my friend's friends. And in the end, it seemed as though we're ALL hanging with the SAME CIRCLE! I'm not sure whether its us, or its just Singapore being ultra small.

Its funny when I thought that everything is set, something else comes around.

Its funny how I thought that I could never be tortured further, I'm proven wrong. Again.

Its funny seeing things are turning out the way it is.

Its funny seeing how i'm uncaring i'm trying to be towards some people, but everything else betrays me.

Its funny how I wanna make people hate me to make things easier only to realise that task is much harder to be completed.

Its funny how my thoughts clouds my mind and things dont seem to make sense and I find solace in a memory.

Its funny how many times the word funny is used in this entry, but i'm not laughing. Nope. Not at all.

Then I would thank the star that made our wish come true (Oh yeah)
Cause he knows that where you are is where I should be to.

Right Here, Right Now - HSM3

Red is the new black.

That is my latest hair colour. If you've checked out my msn pic or facebook. you guys will know. and you also know that i dont dye my hair! So go figure!

But the red is getting brighter now!!! But i love this look! lol! just need to rebond my hair. after this i'll most prob go for ash or platinum blonde streaks!

They say that this will last about 4 months. But by the look of things, i doubt it. The red runs when I wash it.

I give it about a month. Therefore, I would need to camwhore before this look disappears.

bleargh~!

---------------------------------------------------------

"We live on Avenue Q... We live on Avenue Q..."

Caught Avenue Q on Saturday. It was... FUNNY! Definitely worth the money i paid for it. And me and friend actually booked the tickets 2 months back! can you believe it? lol!!!

But it was awesome. I've never been more blown away by an entire cast the way it did blew me away on Saturday. Super Duper Talented.

I teared, I laughed, I was rendered speechless by the multi characters played by the actors. The variation in the puppet voice and still managing to sing and sometimes, them along on stage with 2 puppets dueting, and they're the only one doing it! GOSH~!

I'm still in awe. I wish I could sing like that. Or even sing to begin with.

Bleargh~!

Next play: Office Party.
-------------------------------------------------------

The clock starts ticking and the nights grew sleepless. I wish that I could just sit somewhere and stare out into space and just let the waterpipes run dry.

The book is finishing, the chapter is coming to an end and the sentence is nearing its full-stop.

I've always known that I'll go somewhere else. Have always been dreaming of it since I was 14. When I stepped onto the steps of Oxford, and stayed in their classes, made friends with them and soon yearned to be there.

Now, i'm taking my step. Unsure steps, shaky and lacking in confidence. But the determination in my heart is stronger then the overwhelming emotions.

I'll survive this. Even if I'm doing it by myself.

The way i've survived alot of things in my life. By myself.

Its my dream, its my life. I'll do what it takes even if it means alienating everyone who has ever cared about me. Coz only you live your own life isn't it? I'll live my rules now.

Yes, I can do this.

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If you're no longer around one day... then I'll just have to suck it in and go on living. Because nothing good lasts forever. I should accept that.

An entry that has been dragged since my birthday.

Typed, editted, added more paragraphs and Finally. Posted.
Apologies for such a long entry!

I'm putting my heart on my sleeves, exclusive only for one.

An endearment I once used is something that will never be bestowed to another. It was for you. It will remain that way. Yours.

I pray for you everyday and hope that things will turn out fine. Coz you are worth more. More than anyone realised.

Remember what I told you pursuant to that letter. Some things can't be changed and my feelings are one of it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm counting my days here. Its approximately 108 days till my impending departure. Its weird how I can no longer say i'm going off in 6mths or next yr. Yes, i can still say next yr. But this year is already ending.

Everything I do here and rite now, seems to be my goodbye. I'm counting my days and suddenly it feels as though its not enough. so many things to do. So many pending things.

I wanna leave things as painless and as untouched as possible. Its already difficult seeing tears in the eyes i truly care about everytime she thinks about me leaving. she's been crying and only god knows how it breaks my heart.

Deena,

You're my best friend. I hope you will not cry anymore at the fact that i'm leaving. I know you're worried for me there by myself.

Hey, everyone will have to grow up and face the world by themselves one day.

Our time, is now. =)

I know you're afraid what will happen to this friendship. Will distance and time change everything? I hope not. I'm sad and scared about that too... Not only with you but with the rest of my friends. Our friendship has gone through nearly everything one could possibly think off.

It has been torn apart by boyfriends, its been torn apart by people back in school... But i will never forget how this friendship blossomed just by that one fateful art lesson, when i was trying to destroy your lime and you my chilli back when we were 13.

I will never forget of my first impression of you when i thought you were retarded. LOL!! and I will never forget how you saved my ass by pretending to be my "girlfriend". How i'll never forget those days in the blue pleated pinafore down at Hillside Drive.

I will never forget that one phonecall you made to me, crying about that one guy in your life. How you got my number? I still don't know. LOL! And suddenly just like that, we became each other's confidante.

I remembered those days when you were more afraid of me then your mom. I remembered how I got so pissed off everytime i see you cry and would really feel like killing someone. And usually, i did manage to "kill" the person in question. I remembered cicak, the comic strips and the oh so blonde moments when you guys mistook the sign for a taxi stand.

I also remember of those times where i'm reputated as the best friend not to be messed with and all your boyfriends seemed to be afraid of me. Even though I swear i would rather not be known as such a tyrant. hahaha.

I cry everytime you cry. And just thinking about the other day when you broke down in front of me is enough to send tears down my cheeks.

You've seen me change from that temperamental Nad to what I am today. You saw me at the top of my game and you've seen me broke down and being dragged down to the brink of depression. You saw nearly everything Deen.

I know you're worried how i'm gonna survive there seeing the circumstances and situations. Trust me, I worry too. I just hope you wouldn't miss me as much as you think you would. Hey, the world is small now. Everything is so easily accessible.

I wouldn't know when or if I'll come back. Maybe one day when I decide i'll come back to my hometown for good, I'll be back.

But other than that, I'll definitely visit. That is my promise. And I have not broken any have i? =)

Love Always,
Nad

Its like as though I'm dying with a terminal disease. This must be what those patients must be feeling. You want to do alot of things for a lot of people and yet your days are numbered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of friends,

Lili has to stop trying to inspire me to get married. That is something that is unlikely to happen. She constantly asked me if I ever thought of being married.

My ans:
Yes. I have. At one point someone managed to change my mind... But now I think my initial mindset proved to be better.

So yes, if she or anyone else talks about trying to get me married. I'll fart in your face lor!!! seriously.

I know that I already have thought of names for my future daughters. Names which I've perfected over the years. Names that has been crafted eversince I can remember.

D.A. _. and D.S._. The spaces are to be filled in by my future partner so that he cant complain that he didn't have a say in his daughters' names. And sons? Yes well, I do have one name in mind and ironically, it starts with D as well. lol!

BUT this doesn't mean i'll get married. Names. are afterall, JUST names. so lili, stop trying to inspire me hor! I'm afraid of being left behind. I've seen it too many times, from my surrounding irregardless of race and religion.

Islam states for a man to marry a woman to love her, provide for her, understand and guide her, to shelter her, to be her pillar of strength, basically make her his world and vice versa till death do them apart.

Marriage no longer carry the same importance the way it was back in our grandparents' time. Sacred. Marriages was a lifetime union.

so lili, if you want me to get married so much, get me a man with a big fat wallet. Now marriage is always out of convenience isn't it? Do people still manage to marry coz of love? Or was it just some fairytale only told in storybooks for children to have cotton candied dreams?

-------------------------------------------------

I'm having such tight wallet. I am stressed out please! Now is just about the right time for someone to pass me seeds so that I can grow money!!! Can't believe i overspent THAT much this month.

BIRTHDAYS! BLEARGH!!

I'm definitely gonna get scolded by mommy tomorrow.

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Rihanna's Take A Bow is going on in loops.

Sensitive Doer (SD)

-WAS BLOG HOPPING AND CAME ACROSS A PERSONALITY TEST ON KIN'S BLOG-

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Sensitive Doers are gentle, modest and reserved persons. They cope well with everyday life and like their privacy. With their quiet, optimistic nature, they are also good, sought-after listeners and other people feel well in their company. All in all, this type is the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types. Tolerance and heir regard for others distinguish their personality. They are very caring, generous and always willing to help. They are open to and interested in everything that is new or unknown to them. However, if their inner value system or their sense of justice is hurt, Sensitive Doers can suddenly and surprisingly become forceful and assertive.

Sensitive Doers enjoy the comforts life offers to the full. They are very happy in everyday life. Sensitive Doers are often gifted artists or very good craftsmen. Creativity, imagination and an especially keen perception are just a few of their strong points. Sensitive Doers are very presence-oriented; long-term planning and preparations do not appeal to them. They take life as it comes and react flexibly to daily demands. They do not like too much routine and predictability. Their talents come more to the fore when work processes are variable and there are not so many rules.

Sensitive Doers like to work alone; if they are part of a team, they do not get involved in competitive or power games and prefer living and working together harmoniously and openly.

Sensitive Doers are completely satisfied with a small, close circle of friends as their need for social contacts is not very marked. Here, too, they avoid conflicts - quarrels and disputes put considerable strain on them. Sensitive Doers are often very fond of animals and are very good with small children. As partner, this type is loyal and reliable and is willing to invest a lot in a relationship. Mutual respect and tolerance are very important to Sensitive Doers. Their love of pleasure makes them a pleasant companion with whom one can experience intensive moments. They like to look after their partner with attentiveness and small gifts and are very sensitive to the partner’s needs - often more than to their own. However, should they meet the wrong person, they run the risk of being taken advantage of. They are then deeply disappointed.

Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, practical, emotional, spontaneous, sensitive, peace-loving, reserved, gentle, good-natured, independent, empathetic, friendly, playful, carefree, sympathetic, relaxed, quiet, modest, pleasure-loving, loyal, obliging, caring, helpful, optimistic

These subjects could interest you
art, music, craftwork, garden work, animals, nature, literature, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, music, handicrafts, writing

----------------------------------------

Don't you just agree to all those i've bold!?! LOL!

22 was blessed with 3

It was a day spent with the person I can't lie too, the person who understands me and the person whom I truly love.

Thanks for all the wishes as the clock strike 12. I was still at Deena's place for my Jalan Raya and Neo messaged me. I didn't realise that it was already 25th Oct till I read his message. lol!

Toot-fied pls.

This year, I don't know why but I dont seem to expect anything. But nothing is something that isn't happening.

I thought this year I will be spending it quiet. The way I spent it last year. But seriously. How wrong i was. My cousin abandoned me last week despite promising me that she will spend time with me this year during my birthday. Surprise. She left.

So I decided, I will have my own fun without realising what they have in store for me.

I went to watch a play with Mel and he brought me out for my birthday dinner. Yes it was uber sweet.

Maybe coz I reach to a point where I wasn't expecting anything. lol!!

I was suppose to meet the girls to club that night but little did I know that they and mel have planned something for me! I was temporarily blind, I was given my birthday cake and everyone sang a birthday song for me!!! it was odd but.. you know.. sweet.. lol!!

They gave me my birthday presents and they TRIED to sabo me but i warned them that I didn't bring any extra clothes. So ya.. they were kind. LOL!

I was allowed to open my presents but I wasn't allowed to read a letter. It was painful pls, the fact that I had to wait till the time I reach home to read it.

The night was something I'll never forget. It feels as though its the last time I'm gonna spend my birthday here... Maybe it is.

The rest of the pictures are put up on my facebook under the albums titled "22 was blessed with 3" part 1 and part 2.

I'm looking at the photos and the presents laying rite in front of me. I'll never forget last saturday. that's for sure.

Many thanks to:

Mommy for giving me a Digital SLR for my birthday which made me scream for the entire hougang to hear when I saw it.

Tuti for the bag and perfume. Don't worry la, the bag is fine can!

Bear for the charm bracelet and the letter. Thank you. really. Truly and sincerely. No, not for making me cry. But we both know why. I'll cherish it... forever.

Deena for being the mastermind behind most of it all.

I knew a day would come when one would question me of my decision.

It was a decision made based on what I want to do and not other influence. Coincidences are something beyond our control.

People always think its expected. But seriously, one has to know me better than that.

I swear there are times where I think a person has problems with just the fact that I exist. I mean, one can't possibly be jealous of me. There's really nothing to be jealous about.

I'm not really sure how I manage that really. I try to be as invisible as I can be but it seemed as though I fail each and everytime.

What can people be jealous off? That my friends are richer then them? more good looking then them? I hang with the socialites? WHAT? fuck ah. It cant be me wat? I mean what's there on me to be jealous off? My boobs bigger then yours ah? WTF.

So yes. I concluded, I think its the mere fact that I exist.

--------------------------------

On a sidenote: nobody realised that I wore contact lenses today. And I wore blue. TRUE SAPPHIRE. Do you even know how bright that is? very.

Hari Raya is... NOT Over yet..

Been visiting my relatives. The grandaunts to be exact. Spent last sunday at Sennett Avenue and witness the old people indulge themselves in reminisence. The day spent in the garden, on the swings under the trees, was like a picture of eden.

Its uber sweet how they talk about their past. Their life. Their escapades. Their husbands.

It seemed so surreal that our grandparents married when they were 14 or so, lived their lives, had kids (lots of them sometimes) and went on even after their spouses passed on.

The emptiness in their eyes reflect the loyalty they buried within. The tone of their voice reflect the undying love for their partners that lived on in their hearts. The smile reflected the happiness and joy of the love they shared. The distant stare showed what they remembered so fondly off.

Somehow, my heart felt empty when I listened to their stories. At this day and age, where the mind ruled over the heart, you'll hear talks of individuals not wanting to have a family. To be able to live life by his or herself. To be independent.

Its when the festive season arrives, and the visiting occurs, that stories are told. So fondly. So everlasting. Forever etched in my mind. Even makes me want to have such stories to pass down to my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren...

But there's always the fear. The fear of being left behind not because of your partner passing on. Instead some other external factor. Yeah. I am perfectly aware that I'm not the most perfect woman to be with... And it has been lingering on my mind...

Alittle toooo long then it should.

----------------------------------------------------

I want a fairytale. Found it once.
I want a love that will last. Found it once.
To find it again is something rather questionable...
I want it all.

Greediness is not a crime. Its a healthy indulgence.
If you think Greed is a sin; Indulgence is meant to be sinful anywayz.
So its fine either way... =)

This is the one song in Princess Hours that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Not only when I stare at the television screen. Even when I hear it on my MP3. hahaha. ya i know. crybaby! LOL!

I still think the prince is cute. My mom however has concluded that he looks like a monster, with his half moon eyes and when he smiles, it disappears. I however, still maintain my stand that he is cute.

so ya. This song feels rather heartbreaking but I dont know why though. lol!

She's worried abt me alrite. She's worried how i'm gonna do there. She's even worried what if things just go wrong.

I've wanted this my whole life, would I really allow anything to jeopardize it? If she's wondering that I will other factors affect this. Then I guess I will just have to prove her wrong. Sadly.

I am not that kind of person and never once have I managed to let the other step over the line. There's a thin line in between everything and so far I have managed to maintain it.

Personal and career.

That's 2 different things and I'm perfectly aware of that.

And yes, I will try to tell you everything even when one of my subjects' results are atrocious.

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

Flaws & All

We didn't realise what we mean to the other, did we?

I am just tooo scared for you. I think you know that already.

Thanks for thinking that of me and answering my question as to why I stay. I'll always be here. Yes, for you.

Fell asleep yesterday while playing with my pet on petsociety. Woke up only to realise that its already morning and my laptop was turned off and put at the corner.

Had the weirdest dream. Its been quite sometime since I last had such things. Sat up on the bed only to have a heavy feeling tugging on my heart. Something wasn't right. Its not right at all. My phone rang and the display pictue appeared.

Something was definitely not right. About to pick it up when it stopped. And then I knew why.

A long awaited invitation has finally arrived. A new player has been added into this game. Me.

I am not what she thinks I am. I'm much more stubborn then anyone I've met.

My only worry is that, what if, what if I accidentally exchanged words of insult in my anger?

---------------------------------------------------

New Player has accepted the invitation. Welcome.

6th October 2008

I cant bring myself to do the necessary. I can't bring myself to post the entry typed out before this. The entry that was typed out 2days ago. Today is 6th October.

And Deena asked me whether is that what I really wanted. I couldn't answer her but instead only tears wet my cheeks. All I said was, Its for his own good. She told me not to be stupid. Its something that the both of us didn't want, she said.

Only god knows the feelings that I've been hiding inside. Guilt being at the top of the list, for now.

This yr's emmy nomination, I've been included. Most probably I'll get the prize for Best Actress, especially at the rate I am going.

----------------------------------------------

Am I really worth it to go through all this trouble?

SELAMAT HARI RAYA~!

Its the 2nd day of raya and i'm at work. Yayness.

The last few hari rayas, i'm either jobless or ya.. Most of it jobless lor. lol! i love being jobless on hari raya... I could sleep and wake up late after a late outing the night before and not worry how many more days of leaves i have after this or whether or not i have work piling once i return from leave.

So this time, I'm at work.. so there is no piling up off work. There is just boredom and the lack of interest to work. I didn't intend to even take leave this hari raya actually. But then my boss in particular has wondered why I have yet to apply for leave since everyone has gone on leave and all and here i am working like crazy.. similar to her, we both have reached a point of flipping out tables once. lol!

So ya, going on leave was due.

she's leaving for taiwan next wk and has been asking me whether i wanted anything... taiwan, wat's there in taiwan? i dont even know lor.. haix.

I am so sleepy, I swear I'm ranting like mad.

So yes. the point i'm trying to make is that. I'm on leave tmr.

WAHAHAHHA~!!

I have photos but i'm at work now and my photos are in the laptop. I forgot to bring my memory card here. point trying to make here: will upload later...

I'm in a kebaya top rite now. with office pants. It feels weird even though i've seen so many pple wear it this way before. Maybe coz i'm so used to wearing it full... But i was late lor just now.. cant be bothered to tie my kain. Point trying to make here: This morning wasnt the best morning. I'm in a bad mood.

Rite now, I'm just sleepy and tired. I dunno why but yeah I'm just like.. bleargh~!

And i saw syaz's Hari Raya photos in Australia. I swear its funny how they're all like so semangat you know.. cook everything and bake cakes and all.. LOL! Ok fine. I think i would do it too.. but its kinda bittersweet though and quite fun too.. lol!

I have that to look forward to next year. kwang kwang kwang.

---------------------------------------------------------

Berlalulah sudah ramadan sebulan berpuasa
Tiba syawal kita rayakan dengan rasa gembira
Anak muda di rantauan semuanya pulang ke desa
Ibu dan ayah keriangan bersyukur tak terkira

Bertukar senyuman dan salam ziarah-menziarahi
Tutur dan kata yang sopan saling memaafi
Suasana hari raya walau di mana pun jua
Memberikan ketenangan dan mententeramkan jiwa

Kuih dan muih beranika macam
Makanlah jangan hanya di pandang

Ketupat rendang sila nikmati kawan
Penat memasak malam ke pagi

Wajik dan dodol jangan lupakan
Peninggalan nenek zaman berzaman

Asyik bersembang pakcik dan makcik
Hai duit raya lupa nak di beri

- This year's fav. Hari Raya song.

Suasana Hari Raya - Anuar Zain + Ellina

There are just many things.

Please don't feel betrayed for me. I knew. I've always knew but I chose to believe in the greater good of others. I chose to believe in those words.

I'm buying my time. Yes, I'm waiting. Been waiting for the longest time. For the courage to be given to you, to tell me the truth.

Not many know what I'm capable off. Only some. Many tend to underestimate. But i'm just saying, once i've waited enough and still not get anything, you definitely don't wanna know what's next.

Ever heard of Phoenix rising from the ashes? Yes, Gossip Girl, Serena Van Woodsen did that in the previous episode.

Yes, that.

That i'm capable off.


........ And far worst.

Been there, done that. Don't tempt me to do it again.

Was everything I knew a lie? Or was I just in denial?

Now tell me, what was the truth? I can't believe that you could lie to me in my face despite all that you've said. Despite all that you've felt. Even when you suspect that I know the truth?

Was I, a reason of convenience?

Was I, the perfect cover?

I trusted you with my life and yet you couldn't even bring yourself to be honest to me.

Why? Have I ever done anything to you?

Tell me how am i suppose to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel when you ain't there
There's no air, no air...

No Air - Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown

EH NAD...

Now, isn't that just familiar? LOL! I realised that not only merlimah uses that with a certain tone of voice... so does everyone else. lol!

Deena keeps thinking that Jordin Sparks is my long lost sister. LOL! Fine, i agree there is some resemblance.. But not that much hor! she is afterall, pretty. I on the other hand is rather questionable.

I was surfing the net when I came across this. I swear Omar didn't realise that his most embarassing moment has been caught on camera and the ENTIRE thing was taped. LOL!

http://multimedia.asiaone.com/Multimedia/Story/A1Multimedia20071212-2170.html

Hari Raya's in a few days. 2 to be exact. Am I excited? hmm there was alot of things planned for this hari raya... Some of the things remained even th0ugh certain things have changed. It may be my last hari raya here. Who knows. My gut feeling seems to be agreeing with me though.

----------------------------------------------------

SIDETRACK: HALLY! Your cake order is done please message me when you wanna collect it! You can either come to my house and collect it from my aunt or what la...

----------------------------------------------------

After this hari raya, alot of things will change. The year will definitely end. Faster then expected. I have yet to inform Dad of my impending departure. Still finding the right words, and waiting for the right time. Do I really have to tell? haix.

There's alot of things running through my mind. Its better to keep mum sometimes but yes, I have been worrying. Worrying about alot of things. Swallowed my words and bury it deep within. There's just so many things that I wanna say out but I just don't know where to start.

Alot of pple have told me that I'm stronger then what I appear to be. Is it really? That was a random sidetrack by the way.

------------------------------------------

I'm just waiting...

Its been a truly interesting week, the last one.

Yes last week I was sick, still am, my voice is still rocker and I'm still coughing like free.
I have pics to post up.

It’s been interesting how things are turning out in my life. When I look and remembered the things I used to think about, now I know my life is turning out as I have always planned it to be. Haven't gotten everything that I've wanted. Little baby steps towards it. Slow and steady...

Been sleeping late during the weekends, slept at 6am in the morning. I'm beginning to wonder whether i'm able to finish my beadings by Hari Raya. This is annoying! I've found the cutest, cosiest peranakan shop. I am so in love with it... I'm serious. The owner is sooooo nice lor. *Drools* Haizz... I think my maternal great grandfather's blood is stronger than my Middle Eastern ones. LOL!

Speaking of Middle Eastern, I am envious of those arab/lebanon/(insert any other countries that is related) singers. They're like.. PERFECT AND FLAWLESS! Ok fine there were some minor adjustments (READ: Plastic Surgery) on their nose or something... but they were flawless even before the surgery lor! HAIZ.

Its.. Damn sexy lor! haiyo~ I could turn lesbian if i were surrounded by such females on a daily basis. They're my new inspiration. I shall be like them lor~! Slim and flawless.. *drools* (dunno whether its achievable or not) super sexy can!! haiyo.

Like the rest of us who are falling sick like flies in the office, our office server has caught the virus as well. Its been having connection hiccups and finally flu has everything overflowed and its now ill till further notice.

I've been looking at accommodation and I've decided that there are some stuff that I want more than others. On the other hand, there just some that I have no idea how to get.

I've been getting really weird attention lately. *stares at face* Maybe, I grew a new mole.. OR MAYBE! I grew another eye?! Ok I still am not able to point out what exactly it is but I’ve been receiving attention from the opposite gender. Good-looking males to be exact. That's for sure. Even though it is rather surprising. LOL!

Anywayz, enough of me ranting on before my internet connection fails on me again!

Toodles~!

"As a Malay, I've always been told that I have to work twice as hard to prove my worth. When I was younger, I always thought of myself as the quintessential Singaporean. Of my four late grandparents, two were Malay, one was Chinese and one was Indian.

This, I concluded, makes me a mix of all the main races in the country.

But I later realised that it was not what goes into my blood that matters, but what my identity card says under 'Race'. Because my paternal grandfather was of Bugis origin, my IC says I'm Malay. I speak the language at home, learnt it in school, eat the food and practise lesser Singaporean than those from other racial groups..."

"...... It is not just the NS issue. It is the frustration of explaining t non-Malays that I don't get special privileges from the Government.

It is having to deal with those who question my professionalism because of my religion. It is having people assume, day after day, that you are lowly educated, lazy and poor.

It is like being the least favourite child in a family. This child will try to win his parents' love only for so long. After a while, he will just be engulfed by disappointment and bitterness.

I also believe that it is this 'least favourite child' mentality which makes most Malays defensive and protective of their own kind. Why do you think Malay families spent hundreds of dollars voting for two Malay boys in the Singapore Idol singing contest? And do you know that Malays who voted for other competitors were frowned upon by the community?

The same happens to me at work. When I write stories which put Malays in a bad light, I am labelled a traitor. A Malay reader once wrote to me to say: 'I thought a Malay journalist would have more empathy for these unfortunate people than a non-Malay journalist.' But such is the case when you are a Malay Singaporean.

Your life is not just about you, as much as you want it to be. You are made to feel responsible for the rest of the pack and your actions affect them as well. If you trip, the entire community falls with you. But if you triumph, it is considered everyone's success."

I salute this reporter for typing and writing the one thing that i've been tired of explaining to everyone or anyone when it comes to my race in the Straits Times. They're few like her who take their own stand despite what others think.

We are afterall not born to conform to society's expectations... aye?

THE MOST ANNOYING SONG OF THE YEAR...

GOES TO

Rihanna's Disturbia.

I thought Umbrella was bad. But Umbrella was subtle. LOL!

-------------------------------------------

And mel, I'm so EXCITED FOR YOU!!! wahahahah~! Welcome to my world! WAHAHAHAHA

I've found respect in this answer.

i'm afraid that as time passes, i'll lose my courage to love..

I hope the person who said this won't mind me taking it and copying it here on my blog.

It takes a very courageous person to admit something like that. Well to that person, good luck on your quest coz not many has managed to retain that same passion.

It is afterall not only finding someone you love, but most importantly, finding someone you can't live without. no? :)

Its sunday and it already felt like a really really long day.

I'm down with everything that you could think off, it has hit me. Sheesh. Yes. I am sick. AGAIN.

Wanna say that i've been playing in the rain.. never lor. Its been a long long time since i played in the rain.. seriously.. hahaha.. kinda miss it actually. Shall play in the rain one of these days ONCE i've recovered. HAHAHA~!

Yes yes. One wonders how old I am. *rolls eyes*

I'm beginning to wonder how on earth if I fall sick in Australia? That's it lor. haiz.

Positive note: I have finally got my wireless working. LOL! i seriously think that Singtel is super helpful pls! LOL!!

I've been really close with my lawyer and it just dawned on her that I would be leaving her soon. And she told me that she wanna leave coz of that. I told her to not talk nonsense. LOL. One thing she keeps asking me on a daily basis is if whether i'm really sure about becoming a lawyer.

That is one thing that i'm really sure about rite now. About becoming a lawyer. yup yup.

To go or not?

Taipei Open Fencing Championships 2008. November 2008.

For the very first time coach asked me whether I wanna go or not. Hmmmm...

Should I go or not? One thing's for sure, confirm gonna get myself slaughtered there.

Mommy told me not to waste money since its gonna be a quick competition. Hrmph!

I am currently trying to ignore the pain in my ankle. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THAT HAPPENED!

I was walking around perfectly fine yest AFTER fencing training.

speaking of which, I did really well yest at Fencing. The guys died! like they DIED. Ran out of energy! WAHAHAHAH~!! Totally love it pls. I mean hello! I haven't been training for very long as well.

Made a new friend. Roy. ROY IS SUCH A NERD I SWEAR!

and the best part? he thought i'm a first year TP student. lol!!!!

Roy to Neo: you from poly ah? NP? No wonder its so much easier to talk to you..
Neo: *points at me* this one from TP.
Roy: Oh ok.. No wonder its such a different feeling talking to you guys as compared to the rest.
Me: That's becoz, we're nice lor!
Roy: you guys fun to talk to
Me: where you schooling?
Roy: TP
Me: which course?
Roy: *Confidently* Biomed. You won't see me in school la.. i'm graduating already... gonna enter the army soon.
Me: WAHAHAHAH~! how old do you think i am?
Neo: you think this one in school ah?
Roy: *stares at both of us & turns to me* aren't you in first yr or something?
Me: WAHHH!! *turns to Neo* don't insult me hor! I look young ok!
Roy: Huh? how old are you?
Me: How old are you?
Roy: 21
Me: I'm 1 yr older than you lor. I graduated like 2 yrs ago.
Roy: ARE YOU FOR REAL?!
Me: I get that all the time pls!
Neo: YOU'RE BORN IN 86?
Me: Ya?
Neo: WE'RE THE SAME AGE!
Me: This one lagi best. *takes out my suit and lamee to suit up*

But of course, my sunday started at 830am when Neo msged me. ANNOYING. I swear he finds joy in annoying me at the weirdest moments! bleargh~!


For somebody who has disappeared to Aust for a mth for pilot training, he sure makes his presence back here known pls! *rolls eyes*

830 lei! 830AM ON SUNDAY MORNING! I mean c'mon who wakes up THAT early on a Sunday and think that everyone else is like him to wake up that early to reply a msg?! sheesh. I only replied him at much comfortable timing obviously. khekhekhe~!

EEEEEEEE~! I am still quite annoyed at my loss of sleep on sunday. lol!

Neo btw is a chinese guy who has his most random mat moments! For example, when i reached he just took out his phone..

Neo: Eh eh.. Ader message sial.
Me: *stares and dies*

Neo was telling me about his break ups and the most recent with his Australian girlfriend...

Me: What happened with that one until you dont wanna see her?
Neo: That was a spectacular breakup. I knew it wouldnt last the moment it started.
Me: o.O"
Neo: Oh I broke up with my australian girlfriend a few days before i left for aust for my pilot training.
Me: You mean this trip?
Neo: Yeah.. very good rite?
Me: Huh? What happened?
Neo: Its another spectacular breakup lor!
Me: -.-"

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I'm going to watch Avenue Q!!

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I got meself a lappie! I never thought that day would actually come. I love my lappie! But i think I'm gonna start modifying it myself. KHEKHEKHEKHE~!

And no, I didn't get myself the Macbook... Even though mommy actually nearly bought it for me, the thought of having to find mac compatible programs was the reason why Macbook is currently not in my possesion. Haix.

Asus Lambhorgini lappie was out of stock! it was sadded pls!

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Deena's daddy got for her the Iphone. It was surprisingly cheap. Deena ask me to get an iphone as well so that we can have matching phones... I told her.. Wait first, if she cant she can ask her daddy to get another iphone for his adopted daughter, i.e: me. Since I need to get another line once i'm overseas anywayz... Which also means I need another phone.

Maybe... Just maybe... It might be the Iphone. khekhekhe~! But first, i'll have to wait and see what are her complaints from the Iphone.

Without pain, there is no love
Without love, there is no pain.
-12 Lotus

What's that suppose to mean? When you love, you'll hurt and when you hurt only then you know that you have loved?

hmmm... If that is the case, i would be willing to go through the rest of my life without love, then, there will be no pain.


You're my needle; I'm your thread.

Things I need to get/do:

1. Laptop (IT Fair this weekend, shall ask mommy)
2. A room
3. Send payment
4. CID license
5. Cancel school and get pvt.
6. Get my corset frm tailor. (this has nothing to do with sch stuff, this is hari raya stuff, I realised that I have one hot pink corset there.)
7. Get the necessary stuff for nxt yr in the nxt 5mths. (sobs!)

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Btw, thanks for telling me all that the other day. It helped. Alot. Maybe it was my mistake for thinking like that. But i suppose its only natural no? There are times where I just don't know what to do. Thanks for being patient. For always being patient.

Told you you'll eventually find things out from me, the way you always have.

Thanks for having faith in me the way I've always have in you. I will come around. I promise. I've not broken any promises so far, have I? I've taken a step the other day, no? And its not away from you.

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Deena, cheer up ok? There's all the stuff toys i've bought for you to accompany you! I don't know whether the decision you made yesterday will stay that way or not la. But you know what I mean.

And Deena, I need help! to get certain idiots of my back! ARGH~!

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I'm bored and I'm currently at work after my 2 days mc. My fever's gone (thank god!), my voice suck and I'm currently trying to mentally tell and distract myself not to throw up. BLEARGH~!

Now, I shall go disturb my lawyer. hahaha.. She missed me. LOL!

Let's see... Its been close to 10 days since i blogged! A definite shocker, even to me! lol!

First up, I actually like it here... Now, i'm even playing hide and seek with a certain department when I arrived work not according to the dress code as stated in their books. LOL!

The thing is, I've never found anything wrong with it, even my dept thinks that there's nothing wrong with it... Maybe one day I shall wear whatever I was wearing and sashay over to the avoided department and later on see whether is there a mass email being circulated 15mins later. kwang kwang kwang~!

I haven't met anyone for the past 2 weeks or so. Basically, eversince I started here. Not that I come home late or anything. Its easier sometimes, living life like this. Going through life as though i'm a different person and have no association to what I was.

Its been difficult not talking to you. Its been difficult not having anyone for me to tell my nonsensical moments or even at times just having someone to keep me company, among other things. Its been difficult avoiding questions as though I'm hiding things. Sometimes, I don't know what privellege I have anymore and therefore not wanting to be a bother.

I've not disclosed anything to anyone coz nothing is concrete. :)

ANYWAYZ, a decision have been made. I might actually be rejecting top 21 of the world just coz of what I have to do initially. Stupidity? Or just basic survival skills? Hmmm... Many would wanna be in there... but suffering for a year?! lol!

I'll be sending my fees over, can't wait for top 11 of the world to reply me since they've already sent out their offers for this year's intake last Christmas. Christmas this year will be a little too late for me to hold on to any offers without accepting.

So yeah, I'm leaving all sort of familiarity behind rite now.

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My own hopes and dreams are my current driving force and strongest motivation.

Told you If was never in my dictionary. When. Now, that's a better word.