Am I suppose to be the one asking?

Sometimes, I dunno who's been the fool.

Sometimes, I dunno why is it so hard to be truthful to me.

Sometimes, I wonder whether did I know the truth or otherwise all these while.

Sometimes, I wonder what's going on.

Sometimes, I wonder why do i even bother staying around when there's so many unanswered questions.

Sometimes, I wonder whether is it me that's been too hard on you.

If yes, then tell me, and i'll leave.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm not looking forward to things anymore. I'm leaving behind all familiarity for something unknown. I've lost all faith in mankind. All faith. And yet, I'm diving into a possible shitty situation all by myself. I have a knack for such things.

Have I been blind? I'm not just another character in a book. I'm human.

How can everything right be wrong? There will always be Hope? No? But no.. All hope is lost.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, you'll have to paint it green sometimes.

I'm hurt, I'm lost and I'm heartbroken.

----------------------------------------------------------

Thanks. Thanks for showing me exactly what I mean to you.

Don't ever think of sharing the light that comes along with the glory of my achievements. Don't ever think of that.

Don't ever think that a day will come where I will stoop and bow down. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you will be in my memory till end of time. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think of all the possibilities the future could bring you with my success. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that you'll have a place in my heart. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think this girl will just compromise her life and believes for you, of all people. Don't ever think that.

Don't ever think that I will ever ask for your forgiveness and don't ever think that I will accept it the day you seek me for it. Don't ever think that.

I told you that I will never find someone who will ever accept me for who I am ever again. And you never did believe did you?

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm so afraid. I'm just really afraid. of things, of you, of everyone, of myself. For once, I wanna let my guard down, I wanna be dependent on someone for a change, I wanna be pampered and looked after too. A girl always will wanna be loved even if she denies it. I wanna be that girl too, but too many things have showed me not too.

I wanna ask things from people, only to realise that the questions can't seem to come out of my mouth coz I'm afraid of the rejection that might accompany the reply.

hmmm... so one would be wondering what did i do on vday rite?

i was fen.cing. with josh. *rolls eyes* basically, we're the two without dates when i ask him why he said this.. ,"i dont have girlfriend la, cant be bothered... waste money."
Me:"like as if you have so little to begin with."
him:"no girlfriend = more money = more clothes for me"

and when he asked me why i dont have a date... COACH JUST HAD TO BUTT IN. bleargh.

then i was on the road for abt... 4 and half hours and then, i was picked up and drove toooo...

A METAL GIG!

lol! trust me. it was one experience. lol. i dont listen to rock... much, and i dont listen to things that i wont understand. sooooooo, it was interesting

the moshing, the s0ngs, and how people were so high on drugs / alcohol. LOL!

how was my weekend? it was activity filled. Gig, shopping, driving, bowling, dvd marathon, arcade, karaoking, chilling and eating. lots of things.

thanks for everything. you'll definitely be missed.

i already dont know how i'm gonna survive there. bleargh.

ALUMNUS PAPPARAZZIS!

Remember the last time I went for Alumni Gathering at Fort Canning? Yeah well, our cammies were not the only ones filled with our faces you know. We took pics with the event photographers. LOL!

So i've been waiting for the pics to materialise when I received a message from Kin this morning our pic was on album cover. For a moment there I was like.. HUH? WHAT PICTURE? WHAT THING? WHAT EVENT?

She asked me to check my mail.

And this was what I saw as the album cover.

We took ton of pics and I didnt expect them to put it ALL UP! We took abt 10-15 pics (i mean with event photographer is alot wat), and the best part? its ALL UP! *hides face*

Hahaha.. DramaTec better be proud to have seniors like us. LOL!~

I actually find this quote entertaining and well.. very true.

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

And Deena, where did you find this? you too free hor!

Hide & Seek

Its funny, really, the things I resort to just for that one person. Never once have I ever have to hide from anyone and hope that I was as clear as air. And yet, I still do it...

I'm not the most humble person around. I think I'm quite arrogant. My pride and ego is always so high. And yet.

I really have nothing to say. Do I feel like shit? yeah. I guess I do. I'm now the friend. Fine. But yet, I am still the one that can't be seen.

How does it feel really? To have the one person (besides your mom) that you cherish more than your life depart for a foreign land and there you are, present but hiding behind a ticketing counter to see him off. Not even sure if you can see him personally before he flies off. Because you're just not suppose to exist. At least not anymore.

This is not a plot i took out of the recent Korean Drama series i'm watching. this is real life. This is mine.

With arms folded and listening, one can only imagine the fear within. I was scared, I was on the verge of tears and I was sad. Its been such a long time since my guard went up that high. Its been such a long time. One can practically see a great wall of china built right in between us as he stood right in front of me.

It's weird saying goodbye. It really is. I've never said goodbye to friends before. Especially not him. I've never been good with goodbyes. I can't seem to say anything. I'll just keep quiet and stay as far away as possible.

I hate the idea of pple leaving. I hate the idea of going away.

I am sometimes afraid of the things I will do to overcome that.

Patience Nad, patience. Nothing stays rock bottom forever. You of all people should know that better than anyone else. Haven't you learn that? your whole life?

Dear God,

Give me the patience and strength to keep it in.
------------------------------------------------------------

I hope you've reached. Safe and sound.

The picture that made me smile.

Credits to Sin Ni and the scrapbook she made for me. And I know she's not that arty farty and for her to do that for me.. AWW~! *tears*

4Oreos was well known. This is the girl band that graced many school events. The girl band that joined the school talent time and got into the top 5 finals. This is the girl band that played our own instruments, create our own dance moves and sing, with cordless, clip on mics! WAHAHAHAH~!!

From left to right: Syazana, Me, Sin Ni & Tuti (yes, that toot chinese looking girl at that corner is tuti! one of the cleverest girl in school)

Yes. yes. I WAS THAT SIZE FOR MOST OF MY SEC SCHOOL YEARS! except sec 4. ok? haiyo! and yes pple, better believe it when each time my cousin talks about our outings in town at that time and she always tend to tell the whole world that I was constantly in baggy jeans and short tshirts or those oversized short tees. lol!

with that size, you can wear practically anything no? LOL!

but ya. i liked my size then! i wanna be that size again!

Say it pple say it. Dont think i cannot hear what your mind is thinking. "Go DIET NAD!!"\

*rolls eyes*

So my heart speaks...

I'm back at work after more than a week of absence. It feels weird and I'm really tired. There's some things that I need to buy and I have yet to go get it and I have no idea when i'm gonna do that seeing how my week is already packed.

I've already packed my bag and I am literally living out of the suitcase. Reminder to self: I need to buy one more.

Some of my heels are already transported there and I'm looking at the rest of my shoes and I'm wondering, should i? I'm living on a hill and when on earth am i going to run up and down in my heels? You pple yourself know how high my heels are. My shortest is 2.5 to 3 inches. bleargh~

Will I be able to withstand everything there?

Or will I make a move out of there into a whole new continent altogether?

I'm so scared of things. I just dont know what's going on. The unknown is driving me nuts more now then ever! I've been losing even more sleep then before and I cant help myself.

I worry too much. for myself and others.

Am I grateful to have you there with me? Yes I am. Am I scared at that fact? To tell you the truth, I am. Too many things have happened to us and to you with regard to us and me. I don't wanna jeopardize anything for you. I constantly question whether am I ever really worth it for you. Things are different now, is it really?

So yes. I am scared and afraid even though I wanna be selfish and smile. I've told myself countless times to not think about it. But I can't help it. I'm sorry if I care too much but you know me well enough. You know why.

That's the reason why I cant seem to type things out yesterday. So many things are still too fresh even though us have died sometime back. My heart still hurts as if its just yesterday.

There's too many love-hate relationships going on around me. I don't know how to deal with it. I know myself better, I know the other party better than anyone else here. I don't know whether I should please others or I should just please myself.

I've been making my own stand. I've been ignoring snide remarks but that doesn't mean I'm not sad hearing all that. People should know me better than that. I've always wondered how did things end up like that.

was it my fault?

Its sad. really. Nobody is unworthy. Nobody has the right to judge someone else to classify them. Don't tell me who I deserve and who deserves me. I'm no angel. No one has the right to judge that and no one has the right to say anything in that way.

So I know that its out of concern. I know that its been awhile already. But I know that I'm not over things. Will I ever be? I don't know. I'm great at hiding things and putting up a front. But you should know me better than that. really.

Just let me be. I know its hard for ya'll to see me like this. I've managed to control things from surfacing for awhile already.. or maybe.. not. I don't know.. but please... its my heart. I'm the one hurting / in love / confused / happy. I'm the one feeling it all, not you.

Financially, I wonder how mom is gonna survive here. I know she's going through alot. But I'm really sorry. I need to be away. I need to stay away. I'm afraid of certain things and this is one of it. I don't know how to face things. Is it really fair for me to change everyone's life for my dream?

I feel guilty about wanting to go away sometimes. Sometimes, I'm looking forward to it more then I should. It scares me really. Has life been all that unfair to me here? Its not... but you know...

Am I too independent for my own good?

I'm afraid of leaving things behind and yet I wonder of what's there. Makes sense?

I love my mom. That I know very well. I just hope she will be able to accept me going away. I just hope she knows that I will need to grow up one day soon and find my own path in life. I hope she won't think that I won't need her anymore.

When I thought that the tear ducts have run dry. I'm wrong. Again.

My friends. My best friends. they've seen me grow, they've seen me change, they've seen me through everything. How i'm afraid that this distance will change alot of things. Oh so afraid. How I'm afraid that time will pull us apart. How i'm afraid that we'll all change.

I'm afraid of being alone even though I don't admit it. I'm afraid of being left behind. I'm afraid of standing there waiting and no one will come along. I'm afraid that I might lose the things that I'm gonna leave behind.

What if 5 years go into forever?

I always thought that I have nothing left here. But I have more then I realised.

I hope everyone will be well. I know they will be. Why wouldn't they? =)

-------------------------------------------------

I'm leaving on a jet plane...
Don't know when I'll be back again.

I'm watching my Korean Dramas,

But i'm crying for a whole different reason altogether.

I drove yesterday.

Around my neighbourhood. Love it love it love it!!!

LOL!

now i need to find another person who is willing and patient enough to teach me things.. =P

I'm back from Australia.

Its been 2 days. I'm flying off again. Soon.

If you ask me how was it? Did I love it there? Hate is a strong word. So maybe, more like.. on the fence.

I'm not looking forward to it and I have no idea how I'm gonna survive there. I just hope I can. I mean I know I can its just a matter of time.

People have asked me did i regret? Well, no. I did not. I'll give up anything for the need to get my degree. even if it means me shipping myself to a third world country. so ya.

thank god, that's not the case for this.

hahaha... but ya. you know wat i mean. I want it. I need it. More than anyone realise. Especially after everything.

---------------------------------------------

For months, I have always asked myself, what wrong have I done in my life to anyone for me to deserve whatever that has been happening.

Yesterday, I still ask myself the exact same thing.

I have yet to get the answer.

Even after constantly being out in the open, a perfect prey for any predator. To be ripped open and stabbed. Over and over again. My head still tells me to stay. And my heart willingly seconds it.

We've destroyed so much but we're still holding strong. Is it really worth it for you?

I'm reporting live from Australia.

Yes. I'm in Australia rite now.

First impression of Australia: oooook.

First impression of Brisbane: I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. I'll complain when i'm back. my batt is dying and my charger is around but my universal adapter does not have the plug they use. yippeeness.com

My mom saw brisbane and her first thought was to transfer me out of Australia by the end of the year. LOL!

First impression of Adelaide: Thank god the state has senses.

I can get use to it here. yes yes.

I had my Sec Sch Class Gathering yest nite.

The most interesting ever~ Me is waiting for photos! Actually to tell you the truth, i missed school sometimes despite the annoying teachers and backstabbing girls.

anywayz, there were obviously people who matters that exist. so ya. LOL!

one of it was my best friend has always been one of my closest friend. Sin Ni. Woman! you better meet me again soon!

Anywayz, friends (esp close ones) have things in common and this is one of it. I hope she wont kill me for cutting and pasting it on my blog from hers.

I saw some non-prescriptive glasses and I started to try them on to satisfy my childhood desire to wear glasses and look intellectual. I love geeky boys. They are so smart that they are so cute.

I think only deena won't understand the above! LOL~ see! even Sin Ni understands! That is btw one of the pulling factor in a guy for me... lol!

Number 4: I wanna get a boyfriend!

It took a while for me to decide the right verb for the subheading.
I wanna find a boyfriend! - Sounds tiring.
I wanna keep a boyfriend! - He is not a pet.

Blonde-ness lies deep within the clique~ WAHAHAH~! Well, at least. someone has admitted she is looking! so ya. I'm sure you'll find a really great guy. He better be great of he has alot of unhappy friends to face and fear. *cues lightning and thunder*

Koosmangat!

I down here mcm kueh pau or angku kueh! whichever it is. both also fat fat. Starchy starchy. Then. People like having fun annoying me kan?

OMG. i swear i am so bloated it is not funny. And pple have to stop calling me to ask me whether i have gained weight or not!

People so long never call. then call to ask me if i have gained weight or are they hallucinating. Babi keluak betol~!

Then when i say maybe i have i dunno. Coz I am definitely feeling the bloated-ness. I blame of the blocked nose that comes and goes since New Year.

You know what they ask me? How did that happen?

EH HALO! YOU ASKING ME HOW I GAIN WEIGHT?! Use your brain la. You tell me how pple gain weight? eat rite? bloody hell.

And have i been eatin excessively? Nope. actually i have not been eating much. No appetite also lor!

In the words of my grandmother (accent seems to change and totally reminds me of my great grandmother): "Koosmangat Dee~! Aper la kau buat nie! Mcm pau! pakai la bengkong!

She has resorted to asking me to wear a corset. sheesh.

OMG. I FEEL LIKE KILLING SOMEONE RITE NOW.

You're arrogant, childish and i was never interested! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A WASTE OF MY TIME. even though it was an acquaintance made under the weirdest of circumstances! THERE IS SUCH THING AS BEING POLITE OKAY?!

I'm a different kinda girl. People should know that by now.

Deena, last year, that night at MOS... remember? some things just wont leave me alone lor. cb.

so not worth it lor! MEN! bleargh~!

i'm annoyed. yes, VERY ANNOYED! Tengah sakit hati nie!

PLS LOR IF YOU THINK YOURE SO EFFING SORT AFTER THEN BY ALL MEANS LA! DONT NEED TO GET ME INVOLVED RITE?

My interests does not dwell itself on you just like how my feelings have always been for someone who matters. *gasp* You're not that someone!

You're like that speck of dust. Tiny, unimportant and has no impact on my life whatsoever!

AND I CANT BELIEVE I JUST WASTED AN ENTIRE BLOG ENTRY ON THIS. Sheesh. too bad everyone is asleep. or else.. i would have called to complain!

Goodbye to you my trusted friend.

I have cleverly spoilt the letter 'I' on my laptop keyboard. Sheesh. I thought something was stuck underneath it so I pulled the letter out as I pulled out the key on any normal days where things get stuck.

But yesterday was different. I think i pulled it out a little too hard! coz I can't seem to put it back anymore! its jutting out! and when i stare at it closer, i realised that... one of the hook is no longer there~!

Now, where am I suppose to find a replacement key?!

-----------------------------------------------

I expected this day to come. Sooner or later.

I will no longer be needed once a replacement is found. I knew that.

yes. yes. *silence*

----------------------------------------------

Can people please answer the phone when I call?
Can people just reply my messages?
Can my cousin please come back?

I promise. I will no longer disturb you all once i'm in Australia. I promise. All I ask is for someone to entertain me as of now. that's all. I'm not asking for much. Just someone to be there to comfort me. that's all.

I've never asked for anything before. This is my only request. and its just for another 30days. that's all.

I really don't know who to turn too. I really dont.

-----------------------------------------------

We had joys, we had fun.
We had seasons in the sun.

With 2008 ending right in the middle of the week, and allowing 2009 to take over in completing the week. I noticed the significant of that. As i sit here by the river to take the sights in (its practically empty at 6pm on weekday at esplanade. Did anyone realised that?) and typing this out, it hit me that this brand new year was not presented to me as a brand new chapt but a continuation of what was..

And it is beginning to be more obvious as the year begins to unfold itself. I did not put a reflection of '08 up. Looking back, i was never that happy before. Rather, contented. That word would be more apt.

'08 was hard. Definitely one of the hardest since my parents divorced.

Mid week frenzy

Mid week. Half day deadlines. End of month deadlines. End of year deadlines.

The thought of Thursday being 1st January 2009 is surreal.

its like... in the middle of nowhere!

Right smack in the centre!

ok i shall go and go for fish spa and then revel at it later on. see whether it will hit me or not!

Unfairness

I knew that it exists. But this year, this year just brings a whole new meaning to the word unfairness. Sometimes, I wonder. Have I really been that bad to anyone? Hurt anyone so bad that all of this just keeps on coming...

Seems like i'm welcoming it with open arms.

Yesterday was the ultimate unfairness. The peak and most delicious topping and what more? the perfect closure for the year.

Seeing how he was treated and how welcoming she was. I was just, well, shocked? It did manage to raise a few eyebrows.

Jealous? Well no.. Maybe a little. More like disappointed. Yeah maybe.

Its really great to see how starkingly different the treatment was between me and her and what's hers and mine.

I was envious. I did mention to her that it was really unfair but hey, what can I say, mine has long gone and the situation was long over.

She was obviously shocked at what happened back then. I just shrugged and told her, I didn't conform and never once have I regretted that. I may have gotten hurt, badly even but I will never conform. I'll just live my choices, its afterall my life. She treats me differently but hey, I can't please everyone - so i'll just please myself first.

Selfish? yeah... maybe... I suppose.

I have always been the one that mistakes are amplified and never forgotten. But at the end of the day, at least I know what I want. With or without her approval.

Its unhealthy... really.

I should channel all of it to something else. There's really nothing much that can be done about it.

I know that. I should know that better then anyone else. And yet, things betray me over and over again.

How am i suppose to deal with this?

They say that it will come and go... What if it never did go?

One thing I know for sure, its definitely not an obsession...
-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm aching like a bitch. I sucked at what I did last saturday. I'm serious. That was really ruining my reputation!!!!!!!!!

Totally embarassing! haix.
---------------------------------------------------------------

This festive period I was abandoned. Like thanks alot. I'm really grateful for it. Very truly.

Thank you very much. Really appreciate it!
----------------------------------------------------------------

My bags are packed...
I'm ready to go....

Lalalalallalala~!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

some time early this yr, i was having difficulty sleeping... Coz of dreams.

Dreams that were just too real and at some nights, they were real.

Now, i'm having difficulty sleeping again.

Coz I unconsiously know that if i were to close my eyes, the time would just pass without me being able to see what's happening. For me to know that the time for me to leave would just get closer and closer.

Not that without sleeping it will prolong, but its unconsiously known that without sleeping, one would never call the day before yesterday, but simply "just now". Therefore, your mind controls wat you perceive.

Its time for me to pull away from everyone and everything.
---------------------------------------------------------------

I wonder how i'll be spending new year eve.

Its ending. 2008 is ending. Surreal really. But looking back on whatever that has happened. Its about time it should end.

I dont want anymore pple to get hurt. I dont want to see anyone else sad. I hope that no one else would quarrel.

With the end of 2008, my journey begins.
----------------------------------------------------------------

My Christmas was supposed to be planned and packed this year.

Something came up and I made a decision.

Becoz of that decision I ended up spending Christmas here in Singapore.... ALONE>

haix.

so much for wanting the perfect holiday...

bleargh~!

such things dont exist i suppose.

I'm still awake and i'm going to wake up in 2hours time. YAYNESS~!

i'm worried. Its been 2 months.

I AM SO NOT FIT FOR LATER~

SHEESH!

I've waited for the day you might change.

I prayed and long for the day that you would actually be proud of me for who I am.

I prayed for the day that you would talk about me the way you talk about the rest.

I prayed for the day that you would trust me coz I am no outsider but your own flesh and blood.

I prayed for the day where you would not doubt my actions and not have such thoughts of me.

I hoped through all those years.

I hope through all those disappointment that one day.. Just one day, you would be proud of me. Even for that one second. I would be satisfied.

I hate the way you're afraid of what others would think.

I hate the way you look at me and I can see the reflection in your eyes.

I hate the way that you blame me for everything without seeing the reason behind things.

I hate it when you accuse me and the reason reflected within your eyes even if you dont say it out loud.

I know I have always lived my life the way I want it to be. Made my own decisions, choose who I wanna be with or hang with and took my own steps.

I knew of the times that you were unhappy of my actions, but i really didn't care... Coz at the end of the day, its my life to live.

But there was always that glimmer of hope that one day, you would see me as who I am and for what I am.

I still tried pleasing you. THAT, was my mistake.

So now,

That hope faded. Yes, that flickering light extinguished. I gave up hoping.

Coz rite now, I really don't care who or what you think of me as long as I'm happy doing the things I do.

Irritants.

When people are too free. They are too free.

But hey, what can I say? Some are just employed to do just that.

Which means, they're not too free. People are just too rich.

Maybe the recession isn't that bad an occurence afterall.

Or maybe the statement is true:- "The rich just keeps on getting richer!"

-----------------------------------------------

I'm sick and tired of certain things. If perfection is expected, please therefore insert your instructions in all completeness and not later on be the bringer of tantrums and sulks.

Its not really enjoyable to read through people's head when I've never done any of your stuff before but is expected to know what to do, because of I have no idea what stories you have heard from I have no idea where.

I'm annoyed. Yes. Very annoyed.

You better not shout
You better not cry

You better not hide
I'm telling you why...

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*and I am oh so capable of screwing lyrics up! LOL!

------------------------------------------------

Quote of the week from Me to Mel on our way home to the East Side yest.

Conversation:

Me: I think you go get yourself a External HD

Mel: I already have one. Came with the laptop
*silence*
Mel: But my brother took it.

Me: So you don't have it la...

Mel: Hee. Maybe I should get ALOT OF THUMBDRIVES

Me: Ya, then you'll bundle it together like a bunch of keychains rite?

Mel: YA! One bunch for one show..

Me: Ya! Then you can label each thumbdrive and maybe even colour code them!

Mel: Yup!

Me: Ya. I forgot. Bird face comes with Bird brain.

Mel: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAH~!!!

Blings & Rings...

This Friday is my Company's Christmas Party. Theme: Christmas Bling. LOL!

Now this is gonna be interesting, coz I might not end up looking like Beyonce for the very first time.. Just when I start to try looking like her for the purpose of the theme... I might just end up being the direct opposite. When I don't, pple say I dress the same way. BAGOS LOR!

This friday's outfit: Bright Pink Heels, Bright Pink Diamante Chandelier Earrings and black tube dress.

Let's just see what I'll turn out to be... LOL!

------------------------------------------------

Been in search of blings to complete the outfit and end up indulging myself to stare at certain blings that is beyond my reach for now but definitely NOT impossible to get.

I know the topic of marriage is out of my conversation topic. But since I know there are hopefuls out there, let me just clarify...

I dont settle for second best.

So if you STILL dare, i'll just furnish you with the least that I expect out of an Engagement Ring.

I'm just a simple girl with very simple taste. I like clean cut, sleek, sophisticated and air of uniqueness about things... so here goes.

#1 - THE CARTIER CHOICES

Louis Cartier Ring
Platinum, Diamond

Declaration d’Amour Ring

Platinum, Diamonds

OR


#2 - THE BVLGARI CHOICES (THIS BTW, IS MY FAV BRAND [Irregardless of apparel or accessory])

I love the chunkiness of Bvlgari's design and unique and distinct style that sets it really apart from alot of other designers. So of course this will be close to my ultimate choice! LOL!

So 1st up:

Griffe Diamond Ring with 2 lateral diamonds and a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 1,00 ct.


No. 2:

Griffe Platinum Ring with a round brilliant cut diamond from 0,30ct.

No. 3: And my current most fav.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with a central round brilliant cut diamond available from 0,30ct. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari Design for a new and contemporary engagement ring.

#3 - THE TIFFANY CHOICES

Lucida rectangular

Heart Shape -
I've always had a soft spot for heart shape thingys. LOL! Maybe its the romantic hiding inside. LOL!


Round Brilliant with bead set band
I actually find this classic piece rather gorgeous. So this is 2nd on the list below Bvlgari. LOL!


Lucida

This comes close behind on no. 3. LOL!

But if you're already willing to spend such amounts...

Just go on... and take

#4 - THE HARRY WINSTON CHOICE

I've always fallen in love with their diamond cuts. *orgasms*

They have coloured diamonds too!!! NOT PRECIOUS STONES. Diamonds.

Yup yup. Gorgeousness.com

But since i've been nice enough to provide a list of possible engagement rings to be considered by my future beau. I'll just add another list of wedding bands I would most probably expect out of him. LOL!

WEDDING BANDS BY BVLGARI

Marryme platinum wedding band with five round brilliant cut diamonds

THIS IS GORGEOUS DONT YOU THINK?!

But then again me being me, I will be considerate enough to think about my other half. In other words, I'm not sure whether this will actually look nice on a man. Hmmmmm... So I've found the alternative solution.

18kt white gold eternity band with baguette cut diamonds

Now. THIS IS PERFECT. Eternity band. I like the sound of it. Blondeness. I KNOW!

Its unique and its masculine enough for a man and feminine enough for a female. LOL! Well, at least for a female like me!

But of course, if he is daring enough. I wouldn't mind this instead.

B. Zero I 18kt white gold ring with pave diamonds. A precious version of the most recognizable Bulgari design which becomes a contemporary eternity band.

Now now. A girl is allowed to dream doesn't she?

Besides, you really think its THAT easy to get me to be by your side and annoy you for the rest of your life? HA. Pleeasee!

or maybe this is also plan set to turn you off. *shrugs* You'll never know, will you? *winks and sashays off*

*thinks of rings and orgasms quietly*

Of Blocks and Barricades.

I'm the office rite now and I'm dying! All I wanna do is go home and sleep! sheesh. I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me lor! I should have recovered by now.

Bleargh. Just feel like tendering already, counting down properly is driving me nuts. But I think its approximately a month before i'll tender. so ya.

Just wait one more month lor. Actually, its 3 weeks if you minus of the X'mas and New Year Holidays!

And guess what I found out when I reached office this morning.

MY MSN HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM MY DESKTOP. clever rite? annoying.

Oh well. watevers. If I wanna talk. I'll find other means and ways. Nobody can stop me.. That's for sure!

Of Pine Trees and Memories

I've been sick for the longest time and its been awhile since i've been incapable of doing anything the way i am rite now. Only the worst of memories came flashing into my mind and I hope that there won't be a repeat. A lot of things will be at stake if that happens!

I remembered a time where I was saying that I wanted to destress. Maybe next time when I wanted that, I shouldn't take it too lightly. Tears flow for no apparent reason this morning and breathing was beginning to feel as though it was something alien and new.

Tears fell as I proceeded to bed yest. My sleep began to be more of a chore as this year comes to an end.

I want to say it out loud. But I just don't know.

The right side of the back failed as 3am comes, reached for a medicine that could no longer help. Like a mouse, she ransacked the room for it. Prednosolone. 7mg or 25mg? The cramps began eating upwards, she felt as though everything was in the way. Her hair, her clothes, everything. Took the higher dosage and made her way back to the bed.

Fell asleep. Sleep filled with dreams and familiar faces. Woke up to a phone call. She couldn't decide who it was and decide not to pick it up. Timecheck: 723am. But there was a problem, she couldn't move.

She lay there hoping that she would just turn invisible. She was feeling much better tho. Only her chest was heavy, it was affecting her posture. She sat there. Sat and stared. Her mother asked wat's wrong and she shrugged her shoulders saying that she doesn't know. Her chest was heavy and it felt too tight for rib cage. She doesn't know what's wrong.

Her mother asked, "are you stressed?" Like a missing key, the question engulfed her and tears flowed. Flowed and did not stop.

It was all I could do to stare in the 3rd person.

-----------------------------------------------

X'mas is around the corner. I wonder how christmas will be this year. I don't celebrate christmas for its real meaning, but nevertheless, i love the feeling of it. I missed my christmas of yesteryears.

I remembered when it was tradition to head over to Uncle David's house for Christmas. Where candles light the house, christmas tree was decorated, the turkey was just delicious. the whip potato was to die for and the homemade american brownie just lay there on the table to be consumed.

While the cats eyed the turkey on the table.

I remembered playing soccer with the guys in the back yard with their friends and there was one girl in each team. Me and my cousin. It was fun.

I remembered how me and them will be in new clothes and the girls in pretty dresses. Even though my dress dont stay the same by the end of the night. I blame it on soccer!

I remembered presents were exchanged. Sometimes, Christmas was the day to get rich. HAHAHAH~!

I remembered how the night goes into the wee hours of the morning and I will talk to them and our laughter rang through the night till the 4 of us fall asleep on the bed.

I remembered how I will look forward to Uncle William's and Sabrina's call and look forward to receiving my presents from them.

I loved how I was allowed to join in every other festivity just coz the family does it...

I loved how we still maintain certain things that we have done since young even though alot of things have changed in our lives.

I love how we still go crazy finding the right gift to fulfill the gift exchange tradition.

I remembered when I first started working, and Christmas was around the corner. I remembered the tree, the decorations, the presents, the conversations that went into the night in the midst of files and trials and KFC delivery.

I remembered last year's christmas and it was nearly ideal with whatever I had in my mind.

I wonder what it will be like next yr in Australia?

I'll most probably finally manage to get that pine tree christmas tree in the house!

fine fine.. i know the needles will drop! but i'll make sure it wont! hahahah.. just to prove you wrong! LOL!!!!

------------------------------------------------------

My heart misses more then what my mind allows to admit. greatness.com.

Of footsteps and making marks...

Its interesting seeing how the people I know are now making their mark. Friends... Not acquaintances... friends. People whom i've talked abt the future with...

Not locally.

But regionally. Globally. Internationally.

Nobody's here anymore. They're all based all over the place!

Truthfully, I am the most impatient human being. I am quite jealous. yes I am! I'm thinking to myself.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG? Is it the career path i've chosen or is it the break that I took? Career path. Hmmm.. there's just tooooo many challenges along the way. I'd have to detour a few times. But then... The break be it a wise decision or otherwise, has its own purpose.

So,

It might be both.

My friends are telling me to be patient as good things come to those who wait. really? I doubt it.

But victory will be sweet to those who have to fight for it... no? Well, at least I hope its true. lol.

I'm scared. But at the same time, i cant wait. I really can't!

So people, dont slow down. Don't wait for me. Coz, I will catch up. At least soon enough!

We'll meet again. Definitely.

I've been sick. Fever, flu, sore throat. All thanks to the rain last thursday!

Me is giddy and feel like throwing up half the time. Thank god me is not on the road trip with them or me will just be party pooper of the century! bleargh~!

Its hari raya haji today so.. Salam Aidil Adha to all Muslims out there!

The rain has been causing all kinda disasters everywhere and Malaysia, festive seasons and rain dont go well together!

Sheesh~! having friends on the road drive me up the worry wall! lol!! oh well. I'm sure they will come back in one piece. THEY BETTER!

--------------------------------------------------------------

I have no idea when my cousin is coming back. She has been summon back here by my aunt. Things have been happening. TOO MANY THINGS! *pulls hair*

Why do pple always take us for granted? Why do pple ask for something that we will not give? Why are you still so nice to them? I don't understand. Even after everything that they have put us through.

--------------------------------------------------------------

It was not an escape. Or so she thought. When she started dodging things she realised maybe she was unconsciously doing it. Filled with questions and uncertainties she has forced herself away from that room. She has tried to keep it shut only to have it reopened over and over again.

She is scared. She is really really scared. She wants the tears to run dry.

Will you stay by my side and hug me till my tears subside?

----------------------------------------------------------------

Things she say and do. She apologize for it. She has a weird logic. Seriously. She thinks that by making one hate her will make it all easier. Will make it all better. But seriously, it is a task much harder to be accomplished. She cant fulfil it... she knows that. That's not what she wants...

But thats what have to happen rite? He have to end up hating her one day. isnt it? Isn't that what the books state?

She doesnt know how. Teach her? Will you?

----------------------------------------------------------------

I am heading off to bed. I seriously feel like shit.. me hates flu!!!

Of Annoyance and Loneliness

Me is not going Melaka with them this weekend. Me is sad actually. Me was thinking of bringing me's new DSLR for a trip there and explore it to its full capabilities...

Me knows they're all gonna have so much fun! Me sadded!!!!!

But its ok, me respect the decision and me shall remain here in Singapore.

Me is nevertheless guilty to all parties. Me apologize once again!

------------------------------------------------------

Me has a new friend. Her name is Jolene. She's known as SealPanda to me!!! MUAHAHAHAH~!!! That is one endangered species! LOL!!!!

Me like her alot alot!!

(I just sound like a 5yr old who just found something new and shiny. Gosh Nad. How bimbotic can you get?! must be the flu getting to my head!)

Me hopes that the SealPanda wont get extinct anytime soon! =)

Take care and have fun tmr!

-------------------------------------------------------

Have been getting really annoyed with the OTHER travel agent that I'm having with regard to my first round of trip there...

Conversation with Agent -

Agent: I'm sorry Miss Zainal but the revised flight schedule emailed to you is the only option left. All flights out of perth is cancelled and the 945am flight is the first flight operating out of perth.

Me: In that itinerary i'll be reaching perth at 1.10am. What do you expect me to do for 8hours at Perth airport? (thinks to self: I have enough time to plan a terrorist attack sia! babified!)

Agent: But that's the only option we have.

Me: Miss, I hope that you understand that if there is nothing of utmost urgency that requires my attention in Adelaide, I wouldn't be making such a big fuss over rescheduling of flight details.

Agent: Oh I'm sorry Miss Zainal... Do you have a meeting in Adelaide?

Me: Yes. I have to be in Adelaide before 12noon. You don't expect me to reschedule my busy schedule to accomodate something that you guys cancel do you?

Agent: Oh.. I'm really sorry Miss Zainal. *gets really flustered and looks through flights*

Agent: *talks without thinking* There is a flight from Singapore to Sydney arriving in Sydney at 2am and the flight out of Sydney into Adelaide is at 115am on the same day.

Me: *feigns irritation* And how do you expect me to get on that flight? Walk backwards and pray to god that the time goes back to 115am? (<- see what i mean by dangerous sarcasm?)

Agent: Oh i'm sorry. That's a misconnection.

Me: I'm sure. You know wat. Just get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide irregardless of which state i'm connected too. If you can't. Please look into other airlines.

Agent: I'll check again and call you back in half an hour.

Me: Please do. *hangs up*

I was actually pretty amused by the entire conversation that I couldn't stop laughing about the misconnection of flight.

Agent calls back 30 minutes later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight out of Singapore at 9am on 24th January into sydney, sydney to Darwin and Darwin to Adelaide. And you will reach Adelaide at 8am on 25th January.

Me: Isn't that like 23hours? You expect me to get on a 23hour flight to Australia? Look. If I wanted to experience such a long hour flight, I wouldn't choose Australia to be my destination. Why would I want to take a 23hour flight to australia when 23hours can get me to US? (I nearly added this: You want my expensively insured butt to suffer from cramps issit?)

Agent: *nervous laughs*

Me: Ok. Listen. Get me a flight that will allow me to reach Adelaide on 25th January 2009 before 12nooon and doesnt require me to travel for 23hours.

Agent: Yes Miss Zainal. I'll call you again.

1 hour later.

Agent: Miss Zainal, we have a flight from Singapore departing at 9.05pm on 24th January 2009 arriving in Brisbane at 6.50am. And the flight from Brisbane will be departing at 8.25am and arriving in Adelaide at 11.35am.

Me: Have you checked with the airlines whether the can accomodate 2 passengers?

Agent: Yes, Miss.

Me: Fine, then confirm this flight then. Thank you.

Agent: Ok Miss Zainal, I'll email the details to you shortly.

Me: Thank you.. *hangs up*

SEE WHAT I MEAN BY ANNOYING?! My batt turned flat rite after that. Bloody hell.

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm trying a little too hard. Yup. A little too hard. BLEARGH~! Its eating me up slowly from within.

Of Ramblings & Nonsensical Chatters...

I feel like rambling about everything but then again, I don't think anyone would bother. But when you think about it... I HAVE NO ONE TO PLEASE ITS MY BLOG AFTERALL!!

Hahahah.. suckers. LOL~!!

For the first time in many many years since I got my puberty (i'm not gonna state when.. Ha.), this is the first time or rather first year that in recent months that when I am expecting myself to bleed to death that I actually have the worst case of PMS.

I dont have bad moods. But just sarcasm worthy to shred diamonds.

And it will last for a week or so. I see the change and I see myself being like that, but there's nothing I can do to stop myself.

Its like I'm fired up by a silent anger residing within me and no amount of water could extinguish it. And me being me, I do feel bad saying the things I say (sometimes), but I can stop my mouth from moving.

I try to stop myself. Biting my tongue half the time (i literally do it, at times) but hahhahahaha.. I fail sometimes. Oh wait, let me correct that. Most of the time. Yerp!

-------------------------------------------------

My flight is driving me crazy.. Now I can like travel the whole damn country just to get to one damn state la.. fuckers.

Annoyed and irritated.

Booked my one-way ticket. Come Feb 09 (me not going to state which date, me is going to fly there and not come back already.) me is gonna disappear. The term "one-way" has driven me into deep emotional unstability.

Conversation with agent:

Agent: So miss, one way ticket for how many persons?

Me: One.

Agent: Ok then, i'll be confirming your ticket and will be emailing your details shortly. I repeat your reservation. One way ticket to (insert state) on (insert date) for one. Is that correct?

Me: Yes... thank you.

Agent: Please confirm and make your payments by 31st December 2008. Thanks Ms. Zainal.

Yes, my insides are churning as I type that damn phrase just now.

ONE-WAY.

---------------------------------------------

Busy at work. VERY BUSY AT WORK. HAIX. Shah has decided that my head looks like a mushroom now. And i'll be taking out my extensions tonight.

Yes yes, for those of you who really thought that I dyed my hair, lo and behold! my red streaks are extensions. There goes the streaks of red. My expensive streaks of red. Saded. I actually like the damn thing.. but i should have rebonded my hair initially then it will look neater.

Shah thinks that i've grown mad. Coz my hair is in a mess and i'm humming to myself while doing payment vouchers. She's convinced. I'm either mad. Or in love.

Go Figure~!

-----------------------------------------------

So now, i have decided to leave my office and revel in my new fear of new hairstylists who might get eaten up by me if they by any chance spoil my oh-so precious hair.

Yes. My PRECIOUS hair. the one thing that wont grow fat on me!

That btw is not a blonde moment. Just a matter of fact. LOL!

Goodbye dear readers! Me is off.

Some say I'm a passionate being.

Oh trust me! I am far from passionate.. Well, at least that's the impression that I have of myself. Fine, I don't hold myself in high stead.

BUT ANYWAYZ,

Its Art & Craft week and its been such a long time since. I know now why I love Art. It makes people smile. Its really funny how I manage to make one agree to do certain things with me. This is something I will never forget.

WHEN IS MY COUSIN COMING BACK?! MY COUSIN IS ANNOYING ME LA! EH WOMAN! YOU THINK ME MSGING TO THAILAND CHEAP ISSIT?! I DONT HAVE A RICH ASS ARCHITECT FOR A DAD HOR! I PAY MY OWN PHONE BILLS!!!

I realised sometime back that when she turns 23, I wouldn't be here. I feel bad just thinking about it. I need to do something that will go on in my absence. Yup Yup! *thinks of a master plan*

Which reminds me, I need to steal something from her. khekhekhekeh...


---------------------------------------

I"m tired and I need comfort.

Would you comfort me? Please?

Tired. Mix. Disappointment. Betrayal. Enough. Imperfection.

And yet, I'm still yearning.

The gates are closed. Its under construction. The wall keeps on crumbling, the soil is too soft. It will take forever, I'm sure of it.



P.s: I should learn to speak like Yoda, its rather amusing.

I was so looking forward to it.

So looking forward.

Now? I just don't know anymore.

Caution: HIGH VOLTAGE

some people can't lie. coz they cant keep track of what they say to you and tell others in front of you. yup yup.

I usually find out things. whether I like it or not.

------------------------------------------------

i'm just tired. omg. sometimes, things are just so weird. I just don't know anymore. yes, I dont. Its giving me a headache actually.

oh god. help me.

----------------------------------------------

i'm just so tired, i dont wanna wake up anymore. yes, no more.

Conversations with a talking seal...

Since an animal has not been bestowed upon me, I shall just refer to myself as... what else? Me.

Me: but i'm hungry!!!!!

Seal:hahaha i trying to be

Me: you trying to be hungry?
got such thing ah!?
wahhhh

Seal: haha
not hungry
weird

Me: this one only seal have such talents ah?

Seal: but i need to stop eating so much
esp since we gg melaka to eat
HAHAHAH

Please note that this possible trip to Melaka will only be taking place on 6th December 2008. Its in 2 weeks time. In the meantime we'll have a starving seal. So the Conversation continues...

Me: .......
you know
that is blogworthy
lol!!!

Seal:
WHAT!
WHAT IS???

Me:
your head is shining pls!! *coughs* platinum blonde *coughs*

Seal:
HAHAHAHAHAH
shhh!!

That's the best part! *points to last phrase/word/sound* She knows and admits it and still tries to keep it quiet!!

Beautiful.

Today was beautiful. And Dhanya, I thank you for inviting me to be a part of such a wonderful event in your life. Congrats babe, on the start of this new journey and chapter of your life.

The venue was beautiful, the weather was just right, the bride's gorgeous.

Yup Yup. Another friend of mine is married! heee...

Congrats once again!!

-----------------------------------------------------

This is the second wedding i've attended this year. Yup yup. Its nice but at the same time scary. This is when reality hits me most of the time. I'm growing old. I'm off a marriageable age. And that scares me enough to keep me quiet for the whole day. Well those are the thoughts of one that's not ready.

Who's next? Hmm i know another friend of mine is getting married in mid December, but i'm not invited to that one.. hahaha.. so yup yup...

Who's next? *look around*

----------------------------------------------------



Right now I can't hardly breathe
Oh, you can do it, just know that I believe
And that's all I really need
Then come on, make me strong
It's time to turn it up, game on!

Now or Never - HSM3

To you who thinks that you can never do it, just know that I believe. That I always have.

-------------------------------------------------------

The year is ending and I am feeling my jitters all over again. yup yup.

Its actually coming true. Its no longer the dreams I used to come across when the eyes are closed and the night is still and the only thing that kept me exhausted was the mind, painting pictures, directing scenes, in my head while i'm the audience in my own play.

My dreams are coming true.

I believe it then. What you have always say. I believe it now why you called me a dreamer and you never once worry about me, dreaming my day away. Coz you have always knew that I have

always dreamt with my eyes wide open.

Its time then.

I will make my dreams, my reality.

In 9 weeks time, i'll make my first disappearance.

In 12 weeks time, i'll start my new life.

12 weeks. 84 days. 2016 hours. 120960 minutes.

I'm counting down to the day I leave the way Paro counted down the days for Devdas' return.

...... with great anticipation.

When funny is a contradiction.

Its funny how my friends are friends with my friend's friends. And in the end, it seemed as though we're ALL hanging with the SAME CIRCLE! I'm not sure whether its us, or its just Singapore being ultra small.

Its funny when I thought that everything is set, something else comes around.

Its funny how I thought that I could never be tortured further, I'm proven wrong. Again.

Its funny seeing things are turning out the way it is.

Its funny seeing how i'm uncaring i'm trying to be towards some people, but everything else betrays me.

Its funny how I wanna make people hate me to make things easier only to realise that task is much harder to be completed.

Its funny how my thoughts clouds my mind and things dont seem to make sense and I find solace in a memory.

Its funny how many times the word funny is used in this entry, but i'm not laughing. Nope. Not at all.

Then I would thank the star that made our wish come true (Oh yeah)
Cause he knows that where you are is where I should be to.

Right Here, Right Now - HSM3

Red is the new black.

That is my latest hair colour. If you've checked out my msn pic or facebook. you guys will know. and you also know that i dont dye my hair! So go figure!

But the red is getting brighter now!!! But i love this look! lol! just need to rebond my hair. after this i'll most prob go for ash or platinum blonde streaks!

They say that this will last about 4 months. But by the look of things, i doubt it. The red runs when I wash it.

I give it about a month. Therefore, I would need to camwhore before this look disappears.

bleargh~!

---------------------------------------------------------

"We live on Avenue Q... We live on Avenue Q..."

Caught Avenue Q on Saturday. It was... FUNNY! Definitely worth the money i paid for it. And me and friend actually booked the tickets 2 months back! can you believe it? lol!!!

But it was awesome. I've never been more blown away by an entire cast the way it did blew me away on Saturday. Super Duper Talented.

I teared, I laughed, I was rendered speechless by the multi characters played by the actors. The variation in the puppet voice and still managing to sing and sometimes, them along on stage with 2 puppets dueting, and they're the only one doing it! GOSH~!

I'm still in awe. I wish I could sing like that. Or even sing to begin with.

Bleargh~!

Next play: Office Party.
-------------------------------------------------------

The clock starts ticking and the nights grew sleepless. I wish that I could just sit somewhere and stare out into space and just let the waterpipes run dry.

The book is finishing, the chapter is coming to an end and the sentence is nearing its full-stop.

I've always known that I'll go somewhere else. Have always been dreaming of it since I was 14. When I stepped onto the steps of Oxford, and stayed in their classes, made friends with them and soon yearned to be there.

Now, i'm taking my step. Unsure steps, shaky and lacking in confidence. But the determination in my heart is stronger then the overwhelming emotions.

I'll survive this. Even if I'm doing it by myself.

The way i've survived alot of things in my life. By myself.

Its my dream, its my life. I'll do what it takes even if it means alienating everyone who has ever cared about me. Coz only you live your own life isn't it? I'll live my rules now.

Yes, I can do this.

----------------------------------------------------------

If you're no longer around one day... then I'll just have to suck it in and go on living. Because nothing good lasts forever. I should accept that.

An entry that has been dragged since my birthday.

Typed, editted, added more paragraphs and Finally. Posted.
Apologies for such a long entry!

I'm putting my heart on my sleeves, exclusive only for one.

An endearment I once used is something that will never be bestowed to another. It was for you. It will remain that way. Yours.

I pray for you everyday and hope that things will turn out fine. Coz you are worth more. More than anyone realised.

Remember what I told you pursuant to that letter. Some things can't be changed and my feelings are one of it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm counting my days here. Its approximately 108 days till my impending departure. Its weird how I can no longer say i'm going off in 6mths or next yr. Yes, i can still say next yr. But this year is already ending.

Everything I do here and rite now, seems to be my goodbye. I'm counting my days and suddenly it feels as though its not enough. so many things to do. So many pending things.

I wanna leave things as painless and as untouched as possible. Its already difficult seeing tears in the eyes i truly care about everytime she thinks about me leaving. she's been crying and only god knows how it breaks my heart.

Deena,

You're my best friend. I hope you will not cry anymore at the fact that i'm leaving. I know you're worried for me there by myself.

Hey, everyone will have to grow up and face the world by themselves one day.

Our time, is now. =)

I know you're afraid what will happen to this friendship. Will distance and time change everything? I hope not. I'm sad and scared about that too... Not only with you but with the rest of my friends. Our friendship has gone through nearly everything one could possibly think off.

It has been torn apart by boyfriends, its been torn apart by people back in school... But i will never forget how this friendship blossomed just by that one fateful art lesson, when i was trying to destroy your lime and you my chilli back when we were 13.

I will never forget of my first impression of you when i thought you were retarded. LOL!! and I will never forget how you saved my ass by pretending to be my "girlfriend". How i'll never forget those days in the blue pleated pinafore down at Hillside Drive.

I will never forget that one phonecall you made to me, crying about that one guy in your life. How you got my number? I still don't know. LOL! And suddenly just like that, we became each other's confidante.

I remembered those days when you were more afraid of me then your mom. I remembered how I got so pissed off everytime i see you cry and would really feel like killing someone. And usually, i did manage to "kill" the person in question. I remembered cicak, the comic strips and the oh so blonde moments when you guys mistook the sign for a taxi stand.

I also remember of those times where i'm reputated as the best friend not to be messed with and all your boyfriends seemed to be afraid of me. Even though I swear i would rather not be known as such a tyrant. hahaha.

I cry everytime you cry. And just thinking about the other day when you broke down in front of me is enough to send tears down my cheeks.

You've seen me change from that temperamental Nad to what I am today. You saw me at the top of my game and you've seen me broke down and being dragged down to the brink of depression. You saw nearly everything Deen.

I know you're worried how i'm gonna survive there seeing the circumstances and situations. Trust me, I worry too. I just hope you wouldn't miss me as much as you think you would. Hey, the world is small now. Everything is so easily accessible.

I wouldn't know when or if I'll come back. Maybe one day when I decide i'll come back to my hometown for good, I'll be back.

But other than that, I'll definitely visit. That is my promise. And I have not broken any have i? =)

Love Always,
Nad

Its like as though I'm dying with a terminal disease. This must be what those patients must be feeling. You want to do alot of things for a lot of people and yet your days are numbered.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of friends,

Lili has to stop trying to inspire me to get married. That is something that is unlikely to happen. She constantly asked me if I ever thought of being married.

My ans:
Yes. I have. At one point someone managed to change my mind... But now I think my initial mindset proved to be better.

So yes, if she or anyone else talks about trying to get me married. I'll fart in your face lor!!! seriously.

I know that I already have thought of names for my future daughters. Names which I've perfected over the years. Names that has been crafted eversince I can remember.

D.A. _. and D.S._. The spaces are to be filled in by my future partner so that he cant complain that he didn't have a say in his daughters' names. And sons? Yes well, I do have one name in mind and ironically, it starts with D as well. lol!

BUT this doesn't mean i'll get married. Names. are afterall, JUST names. so lili, stop trying to inspire me hor! I'm afraid of being left behind. I've seen it too many times, from my surrounding irregardless of race and religion.

Islam states for a man to marry a woman to love her, provide for her, understand and guide her, to shelter her, to be her pillar of strength, basically make her his world and vice versa till death do them apart.

Marriage no longer carry the same importance the way it was back in our grandparents' time. Sacred. Marriages was a lifetime union.

so lili, if you want me to get married so much, get me a man with a big fat wallet. Now marriage is always out of convenience isn't it? Do people still manage to marry coz of love? Or was it just some fairytale only told in storybooks for children to have cotton candied dreams?

-------------------------------------------------

I'm having such tight wallet. I am stressed out please! Now is just about the right time for someone to pass me seeds so that I can grow money!!! Can't believe i overspent THAT much this month.

BIRTHDAYS! BLEARGH!!

I'm definitely gonna get scolded by mommy tomorrow.

-------------------------------------------------

Rihanna's Take A Bow is going on in loops.

Sensitive Doer (SD)

-WAS BLOG HOPPING AND CAME ACROSS A PERSONALITY TEST ON KIN'S BLOG-

(Just visiting? Take the free personality test and determine your iPersonic type!)

Sensitive Doers are gentle, modest and reserved persons. They cope well with everyday life and like their privacy. With their quiet, optimistic nature, they are also good, sought-after listeners and other people feel well in their company. All in all, this type is the most likeable and friendliest of all personality types. Tolerance and heir regard for others distinguish their personality. They are very caring, generous and always willing to help. They are open to and interested in everything that is new or unknown to them. However, if their inner value system or their sense of justice is hurt, Sensitive Doers can suddenly and surprisingly become forceful and assertive.

Sensitive Doers enjoy the comforts life offers to the full. They are very happy in everyday life. Sensitive Doers are often gifted artists or very good craftsmen. Creativity, imagination and an especially keen perception are just a few of their strong points. Sensitive Doers are very presence-oriented; long-term planning and preparations do not appeal to them. They take life as it comes and react flexibly to daily demands. They do not like too much routine and predictability. Their talents come more to the fore when work processes are variable and there are not so many rules.

Sensitive Doers like to work alone; if they are part of a team, they do not get involved in competitive or power games and prefer living and working together harmoniously and openly.

Sensitive Doers are completely satisfied with a small, close circle of friends as their need for social contacts is not very marked. Here, too, they avoid conflicts - quarrels and disputes put considerable strain on them. Sensitive Doers are often very fond of animals and are very good with small children. As partner, this type is loyal and reliable and is willing to invest a lot in a relationship. Mutual respect and tolerance are very important to Sensitive Doers. Their love of pleasure makes them a pleasant companion with whom one can experience intensive moments. They like to look after their partner with attentiveness and small gifts and are very sensitive to the partner’s needs - often more than to their own. However, should they meet the wrong person, they run the risk of being taken advantage of. They are then deeply disappointed.

Adjectives which describe your type
introverted, practical, emotional, spontaneous, sensitive, peace-loving, reserved, gentle, good-natured, independent, empathetic, friendly, playful, carefree, sympathetic, relaxed, quiet, modest, pleasure-loving, loyal, obliging, caring, helpful, optimistic

These subjects could interest you
art, music, craftwork, garden work, animals, nature, literature, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, music, handicrafts, writing

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Don't you just agree to all those i've bold!?! LOL!

22 was blessed with 3

It was a day spent with the person I can't lie too, the person who understands me and the person whom I truly love.

Thanks for all the wishes as the clock strike 12. I was still at Deena's place for my Jalan Raya and Neo messaged me. I didn't realise that it was already 25th Oct till I read his message. lol!

Toot-fied pls.

This year, I don't know why but I dont seem to expect anything. But nothing is something that isn't happening.

I thought this year I will be spending it quiet. The way I spent it last year. But seriously. How wrong i was. My cousin abandoned me last week despite promising me that she will spend time with me this year during my birthday. Surprise. She left.

So I decided, I will have my own fun without realising what they have in store for me.

I went to watch a play with Mel and he brought me out for my birthday dinner. Yes it was uber sweet.

Maybe coz I reach to a point where I wasn't expecting anything. lol!!

I was suppose to meet the girls to club that night but little did I know that they and mel have planned something for me! I was temporarily blind, I was given my birthday cake and everyone sang a birthday song for me!!! it was odd but.. you know.. sweet.. lol!!

They gave me my birthday presents and they TRIED to sabo me but i warned them that I didn't bring any extra clothes. So ya.. they were kind. LOL!

I was allowed to open my presents but I wasn't allowed to read a letter. It was painful pls, the fact that I had to wait till the time I reach home to read it.

The night was something I'll never forget. It feels as though its the last time I'm gonna spend my birthday here... Maybe it is.

The rest of the pictures are put up on my facebook under the albums titled "22 was blessed with 3" part 1 and part 2.

I'm looking at the photos and the presents laying rite in front of me. I'll never forget last saturday. that's for sure.

Many thanks to:

Mommy for giving me a Digital SLR for my birthday which made me scream for the entire hougang to hear when I saw it.

Tuti for the bag and perfume. Don't worry la, the bag is fine can!

Bear for the charm bracelet and the letter. Thank you. really. Truly and sincerely. No, not for making me cry. But we both know why. I'll cherish it... forever.

Deena for being the mastermind behind most of it all.

I knew a day would come when one would question me of my decision.

It was a decision made based on what I want to do and not other influence. Coincidences are something beyond our control.

People always think its expected. But seriously, one has to know me better than that.

I swear there are times where I think a person has problems with just the fact that I exist. I mean, one can't possibly be jealous of me. There's really nothing to be jealous about.

I'm not really sure how I manage that really. I try to be as invisible as I can be but it seemed as though I fail each and everytime.

What can people be jealous off? That my friends are richer then them? more good looking then them? I hang with the socialites? WHAT? fuck ah. It cant be me wat? I mean what's there on me to be jealous off? My boobs bigger then yours ah? WTF.

So yes. I concluded, I think its the mere fact that I exist.

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On a sidenote: nobody realised that I wore contact lenses today. And I wore blue. TRUE SAPPHIRE. Do you even know how bright that is? very.

Hari Raya is... NOT Over yet..

Been visiting my relatives. The grandaunts to be exact. Spent last sunday at Sennett Avenue and witness the old people indulge themselves in reminisence. The day spent in the garden, on the swings under the trees, was like a picture of eden.

Its uber sweet how they talk about their past. Their life. Their escapades. Their husbands.

It seemed so surreal that our grandparents married when they were 14 or so, lived their lives, had kids (lots of them sometimes) and went on even after their spouses passed on.

The emptiness in their eyes reflect the loyalty they buried within. The tone of their voice reflect the undying love for their partners that lived on in their hearts. The smile reflected the happiness and joy of the love they shared. The distant stare showed what they remembered so fondly off.

Somehow, my heart felt empty when I listened to their stories. At this day and age, where the mind ruled over the heart, you'll hear talks of individuals not wanting to have a family. To be able to live life by his or herself. To be independent.

Its when the festive season arrives, and the visiting occurs, that stories are told. So fondly. So everlasting. Forever etched in my mind. Even makes me want to have such stories to pass down to my children, my grandchildren, my great grandchildren...

But there's always the fear. The fear of being left behind not because of your partner passing on. Instead some other external factor. Yeah. I am perfectly aware that I'm not the most perfect woman to be with... And it has been lingering on my mind...

Alittle toooo long then it should.

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I want a fairytale. Found it once.
I want a love that will last. Found it once.
To find it again is something rather questionable...
I want it all.

Greediness is not a crime. Its a healthy indulgence.
If you think Greed is a sin; Indulgence is meant to be sinful anywayz.
So its fine either way... =)

This is the one song in Princess Hours that never fails to bring tears to my eyes. Not only when I stare at the television screen. Even when I hear it on my MP3. hahaha. ya i know. crybaby! LOL!

I still think the prince is cute. My mom however has concluded that he looks like a monster, with his half moon eyes and when he smiles, it disappears. I however, still maintain my stand that he is cute.

so ya. This song feels rather heartbreaking but I dont know why though. lol!

She's worried abt me alrite. She's worried how i'm gonna do there. She's even worried what if things just go wrong.

I've wanted this my whole life, would I really allow anything to jeopardize it? If she's wondering that I will other factors affect this. Then I guess I will just have to prove her wrong. Sadly.

I am not that kind of person and never once have I managed to let the other step over the line. There's a thin line in between everything and so far I have managed to maintain it.

Personal and career.

That's 2 different things and I'm perfectly aware of that.

And yes, I will try to tell you everything even when one of my subjects' results are atrocious.

I'm a train wreck in the morning
I'm a bitch in the afternoon
Every now and then without warning
I can be really mean towards you
I'm a puzzle yes in deed
Ever complex in every way
And all the pieces aren't even in the box
And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don't know why you love me
And that's why I love you
You catch me when I fall
Accept me flaws and all
And that's why I love you

Flaws & All

We didn't realise what we mean to the other, did we?

I am just tooo scared for you. I think you know that already.

Thanks for thinking that of me and answering my question as to why I stay. I'll always be here. Yes, for you.

Fell asleep yesterday while playing with my pet on petsociety. Woke up only to realise that its already morning and my laptop was turned off and put at the corner.

Had the weirdest dream. Its been quite sometime since I last had such things. Sat up on the bed only to have a heavy feeling tugging on my heart. Something wasn't right. Its not right at all. My phone rang and the display pictue appeared.

Something was definitely not right. About to pick it up when it stopped. And then I knew why.

A long awaited invitation has finally arrived. A new player has been added into this game. Me.

I am not what she thinks I am. I'm much more stubborn then anyone I've met.

My only worry is that, what if, what if I accidentally exchanged words of insult in my anger?

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New Player has accepted the invitation. Welcome.

6th October 2008

I cant bring myself to do the necessary. I can't bring myself to post the entry typed out before this. The entry that was typed out 2days ago. Today is 6th October.

And Deena asked me whether is that what I really wanted. I couldn't answer her but instead only tears wet my cheeks. All I said was, Its for his own good. She told me not to be stupid. Its something that the both of us didn't want, she said.

Only god knows the feelings that I've been hiding inside. Guilt being at the top of the list, for now.

This yr's emmy nomination, I've been included. Most probably I'll get the prize for Best Actress, especially at the rate I am going.

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Am I really worth it to go through all this trouble?

SELAMAT HARI RAYA~!

Its the 2nd day of raya and i'm at work. Yayness.

The last few hari rayas, i'm either jobless or ya.. Most of it jobless lor. lol! i love being jobless on hari raya... I could sleep and wake up late after a late outing the night before and not worry how many more days of leaves i have after this or whether or not i have work piling once i return from leave.

So this time, I'm at work.. so there is no piling up off work. There is just boredom and the lack of interest to work. I didn't intend to even take leave this hari raya actually. But then my boss in particular has wondered why I have yet to apply for leave since everyone has gone on leave and all and here i am working like crazy.. similar to her, we both have reached a point of flipping out tables once. lol!

So ya, going on leave was due.

she's leaving for taiwan next wk and has been asking me whether i wanted anything... taiwan, wat's there in taiwan? i dont even know lor.. haix.

I am so sleepy, I swear I'm ranting like mad.

So yes. the point i'm trying to make is that. I'm on leave tmr.

WAHAHAHHA~!!

I have photos but i'm at work now and my photos are in the laptop. I forgot to bring my memory card here. point trying to make here: will upload later...

I'm in a kebaya top rite now. with office pants. It feels weird even though i've seen so many pple wear it this way before. Maybe coz i'm so used to wearing it full... But i was late lor just now.. cant be bothered to tie my kain. Point trying to make here: This morning wasnt the best morning. I'm in a bad mood.

Rite now, I'm just sleepy and tired. I dunno why but yeah I'm just like.. bleargh~!

And i saw syaz's Hari Raya photos in Australia. I swear its funny how they're all like so semangat you know.. cook everything and bake cakes and all.. LOL! Ok fine. I think i would do it too.. but its kinda bittersweet though and quite fun too.. lol!

I have that to look forward to next year. kwang kwang kwang.

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Berlalulah sudah ramadan sebulan berpuasa
Tiba syawal kita rayakan dengan rasa gembira
Anak muda di rantauan semuanya pulang ke desa
Ibu dan ayah keriangan bersyukur tak terkira

Bertukar senyuman dan salam ziarah-menziarahi
Tutur dan kata yang sopan saling memaafi
Suasana hari raya walau di mana pun jua
Memberikan ketenangan dan mententeramkan jiwa

Kuih dan muih beranika macam
Makanlah jangan hanya di pandang

Ketupat rendang sila nikmati kawan
Penat memasak malam ke pagi

Wajik dan dodol jangan lupakan
Peninggalan nenek zaman berzaman

Asyik bersembang pakcik dan makcik
Hai duit raya lupa nak di beri

- This year's fav. Hari Raya song.

Suasana Hari Raya - Anuar Zain + Ellina